So I have 8 months left on my I contract saving a little piece of the world, and I am determined that when that time comes I shall move on..., which begs the question... To where shall I move? I'm once again at a cross roads... Which may well be the most salient feature of my career... I took this current CEO malarkey as a chance to make a difference in the world again, to feel valuable and valued, to push myself to grow and develop new skills... And of course to boost my career options. It certainly has done all of these things except that I remain unconvinced on the last point. I am sure that it has indeed boosted my career options immeasurably.... What I am less sure on is whether I want them boosted anymore.
If I am to capitalize on the boost I have to make sure that my next job is also a very senior management role....which necessarily means long hours, stress and preasure, and quite probably comtinued sacrifices in my health, social life and parenting.....and that is where the collage starts to come unstuck... I see little pieces of the picture start to flutter in the breeze because I find myself very unsure that this is actually the path I want to take.
I was determined to make a name for myself, to angle myself into the roles that would give me enough power to overcoming my abiding sense of frustration with the injustices of the world... I also, to be honest, wanted to earn a decent amount of money so that I could have an independent sense of pride in my own financial achievements... But now I am looking at the pay-offs in reality and it's not a picture that I feel comfortable hanging on my wall.
I am a parent...and while I love it, it doesn't fulfil me entirely... But still, I don't want to compromise the quality and enjoyment that is so abundant in my relationship with my daughter. I see myself putting work before her too often and I do not like it, not one little bit. I see her frustration and sadness and hear her anger at my puter's invasion in her life and then the pride of financial independence feels pretty lame. I feel the frustration of being too tired, stressed and distracted to properly teach my daughter to swim, to write her name, to sing songs and take joy in life outside DVDs and the wish to feel less frustrated at the state of world is kind of slammed into perspective... . If I can't do my little part well I figure I have no business taking on the big picture.... And at the same time I also increasingly despair at the state of the world.... As I age and lose my sense of optimistic naivity I see the horrors mounting, the sheer madness taking grip more extremely, the endlessness of the bad news and I realize that I can sacrifice my own joys, my child's joys, and the chances of actually making any dint in the overall misery of the world is zip to zilch.
And I realize also that I am a person who needs people... I need a strong sense of connectedness with others, and damn it, I want a partner... I want a person to hold my hand, share my joys, and to lean on me when it's their time. I want someone that my life comes back to. I want love in my life... I've been seeking it, and scared of it, for a long time. I want to face the fear and I want to grow old with plans for the future that stand on two feet...or four....you know what I mean... I CAN do it alone, but I don't want to. I need to stand still for a while and let myself connect with others.... I need to unbusy my life enough to fit good people in.
So here I am on a threshold of future greatness...and I am not sure that I want it. I think I want a simpler life, a smaller life that is like the tardis... Small and inconspicuous on the outside, but huge and surprisingly amazing on the inside.... I want to live green, clean and simple. I want to meditate and be peaceful inside.... I want to teach my daughter to grow her own food and to treasure the bugs precious lives. And I am not a person who can do it all... So I think I choose simple, I choose love, I choose friendship, I choose to sacrifice some of my grand dreams to build the smaller ones properly.... I think!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
2012 I kick your ass....
It's coming to the end of the year that was 2012.... To say "it's been quite a year" is sort of like saying that the Category 5 Cylcone Evan that ended my working year was "quite a windy day". In fact, my year was actually a whole lot like that cyclone... Wild, unpredictable, hard work, exhausting, damaging and powerful.... Life feels a lot like its been flying past me in the 200 odd kms an hour breezes. I have 8 months left on my contract and I can't wait to finish and come home.... But of course I have to come to terms with what that means and what it says about the person I have become. The simple answer would be to say that I've grown soft and want an easier life... But I don't think it's that. If I peel back the onion I realize it's more about seeking something that's missing for me in this life that I thought I wanted. I have dreamed of being the intrepid aid worker... Making a difference in the world... And I expected it to be hard work... But something is missing in it for me.... It's not giving me the deep satisfaction that I sought... And I realize that is about connectedness. I feel like an outsider there... I don't belong, I don't have a community....
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Phew.... funding fun
So its been a hellish couple of months facing the imminent loss of our funding. The end of our current funding came and went, and I was forced into the unenviable task of giving termination notices to 75 people who are more like a big family than a work force. Perhaps its different when its people who are working from their hearts, counsellors and social workers who are giving of themselves in their work every day, for crappy wages, because they believe in the value of the work that they do... Perhaps it always sucks to have to fire people, regardless of who they are or what they do. In any case these lovely people moved me with their ability to smile through their tears and stay focused on supporting each other through this personal and professional crisis.
Its been a roller coaster last few weeks with glimmers of hope regularly dashed on the rocks of economic pragmatism and realisation of our own insignificance in the bureaucracy of aid.
BUT at the last minute... we were snatched from the jaws of defeat by a sudden turn around and as of 3pm yesterday we suddenly have enough funding to keep going. PHEW... we will lose a few staff, and things will be tight... but most of the staff will still have jobs, and most of our essential work will continue... we will even get to expand slightly in some areas. We will restructure, be meaner and leaner, but ideally we will work better and smarter as a result.
And I am thus remaining in the tropics for my full term... another year under the palm trees... a bitter sweet prospect. And at least I don't have to look for a job in QLD at the moment! (PS the only silver lining in the horror of Qld slash and burn politics is that it did make me feel a little better about our funding struggles!)
Its been a roller coaster last few weeks with glimmers of hope regularly dashed on the rocks of economic pragmatism and realisation of our own insignificance in the bureaucracy of aid.
BUT at the last minute... we were snatched from the jaws of defeat by a sudden turn around and as of 3pm yesterday we suddenly have enough funding to keep going. PHEW... we will lose a few staff, and things will be tight... but most of the staff will still have jobs, and most of our essential work will continue... we will even get to expand slightly in some areas. We will restructure, be meaner and leaner, but ideally we will work better and smarter as a result.
And I am thus remaining in the tropics for my full term... another year under the palm trees... a bitter sweet prospect. And at least I don't have to look for a job in QLD at the moment! (PS the only silver lining in the horror of Qld slash and burn politics is that it did make me feel a little better about our funding struggles!)
cold shower season
So its officially cold shower season...
Some people measure seasons by the way the garden blooms, some by seasonal fruits. Some people measure by the calendar and some by memories of seasons past...
Me, I measure the start of summer by the point at which I stop using the hot water tap. And we are certainly there... phew...
Sunday, December 2, 2012
an angel's best friend...
So my professional life is really really crap at the moment... thats the truth.
but I thank the stars and my own perseverance for the little person in my life who brings me such joy despite the horror of the rest.
This morning I sat at my computer for a few moments while I prepared myself for the day and she pottered around creating her universe of interactive imagination for the morning...
And a little voice broke through my thoughts
"Hmmmm I wonder where my best friend mummy is? I had better go and find her..."
And in that moment I was not the CEO of a doomed NGO that has lost its funding base... I was not the over tired, not sleeping, burnt out shell of a person that I feel like a lot of the time.
I was an angel's best friend.
Melting priceless moments.
but I thank the stars and my own perseverance for the little person in my life who brings me such joy despite the horror of the rest.
This morning I sat at my computer for a few moments while I prepared myself for the day and she pottered around creating her universe of interactive imagination for the morning...
And a little voice broke through my thoughts"Hmmmm I wonder where my best friend mummy is? I had better go and find her..."
And in that moment I was not the CEO of a doomed NGO that has lost its funding base... I was not the over tired, not sleeping, burnt out shell of a person that I feel like a lot of the time.
I was an angel's best friend.
Melting priceless moments.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
lookin' like mummy...
Sunday, November 25, 2012
a weekend....
So I took the weekend off. I am surprised at myself, and I am feeling rather guilty indeed. But I took the whole weekend off. I know, I know... it shouldn't be such a big deal, self care is important...yudda yudda... I know all of that. But still, I am stunned that I did it. I took the whole weekend off. Even now - I sat down to do work, and I didn't. What's in a weekend? Well... I think its both a sign of my complete mental burn out, and a remedy. I am not entirely sure if I am attempting to fix my broken brain by taking the weekend off...or if I am incapable of anything else because my brain is broken.
Once upon a time I thought I was pretty invincible. I wanted to save the world...and I figured I had it in me if I could just find an opportunity to prove it. I am was the girl who believed that. I had always been pretty successful at the stuff I did, so I figured that would carry me through. But I am learning that I have limits. I am old and I am tired. I have limits and I am no longer sure that I have it in my to save the world. I think perhaps its time to throw in the towel. I have another year here, and a very large mess to fix. And when I am done, I think perhaps I am done. Maybe then I can rest on my laurels and tell myself that I didn't save the world, but I did do good in a little part of it, and thats enough. I don't want to work with gang raped infants in Liberia. I don't want to work with women burning themselves in Afganistan. I don't think I have it in me to do the things I am passionate about changing. I wish I did...but I fear that I don't. I don't have any clue what on earth I am going to do with the rest of my life... but I am starting to be pretty sure that I won't spend it saving the world. I think its time for me. I think its time for me to find a little piece of happiness and try and hold onto it. I think its time to stop trying to look around the corner all the time...time to stop looking for the big thing that will make my life mean something. I think its time to meditate more, to work on saving my inner world. I think its time to accept that I am not the person that I thought I might be, I am not the one who saves the world. I'm tired. I'm old... and I want a home. I want a love. I want peace. I want to find joy instead of struggling through each day.
So I took the weekend off. And yes, I feel guilty. No platitudes or rationalisations please - I am allowed to feel guilty about neglecting the work that was due and the part of myself that did want to do it. I feel guilty because I am torn between two options, both of which I want - a productive work weekend and a weekend off. Either choice would have left me regretting the other. But I made a choice. I drank cocktails and swam with my angel. I read Sherlock Holmes instead of writing proposals. I watched Weeds and Greys Anatomy instead of doing statistics.
I am burnt out... and I hope I find my energy and drive again tomorrow... but for now... I am going to bed to enjoy the last of my weekend off.
Once upon a time I thought I was pretty invincible. I wanted to save the world...and I figured I had it in me if I could just find an opportunity to prove it. I am was the girl who believed that. I had always been pretty successful at the stuff I did, so I figured that would carry me through. But I am learning that I have limits. I am old and I am tired. I have limits and I am no longer sure that I have it in my to save the world. I think perhaps its time to throw in the towel. I have another year here, and a very large mess to fix. And when I am done, I think perhaps I am done. Maybe then I can rest on my laurels and tell myself that I didn't save the world, but I did do good in a little part of it, and thats enough. I don't want to work with gang raped infants in Liberia. I don't want to work with women burning themselves in Afganistan. I don't think I have it in me to do the things I am passionate about changing. I wish I did...but I fear that I don't. I don't have any clue what on earth I am going to do with the rest of my life... but I am starting to be pretty sure that I won't spend it saving the world. I think its time for me. I think its time for me to find a little piece of happiness and try and hold onto it. I think its time to stop trying to look around the corner all the time...time to stop looking for the big thing that will make my life mean something. I think its time to meditate more, to work on saving my inner world. I think its time to accept that I am not the person that I thought I might be, I am not the one who saves the world. I'm tired. I'm old... and I want a home. I want a love. I want peace. I want to find joy instead of struggling through each day.
So I took the weekend off. And yes, I feel guilty. No platitudes or rationalisations please - I am allowed to feel guilty about neglecting the work that was due and the part of myself that did want to do it. I feel guilty because I am torn between two options, both of which I want - a productive work weekend and a weekend off. Either choice would have left me regretting the other. But I made a choice. I drank cocktails and swam with my angel. I read Sherlock Holmes instead of writing proposals. I watched Weeds and Greys Anatomy instead of doing statistics. I am burnt out... and I hope I find my energy and drive again tomorrow... but for now... I am going to bed to enjoy the last of my weekend off.
putting myself back together
slowly coming out of the haze of mental burn out is like trying to find all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that have been scattered in the bottom of the toy box. Until all the pieces are in place and the picture recreated there is a pervasive anxiety provoked by the fear that some of the best bits are lost forever in the same parallel universe as all those black socks....
Thursday, November 8, 2012
dark days
crumbling, slipping, nails tearing at the earth as it slides past...
these are dark days that are leading to darker places
alone, bewildered, overwhelmed
angry tears of frustration pile up in the box like holiday mail...
these are dark days that are leading to darker places
alone, bewildered, overwhelmed
angry tears of frustration pile up in the box like holiday mail...
Monday, November 5, 2012
priorities
So I am feeling kind of torn. On the one hand I am fighting tooth and nail to protect the services that I believe in, the organisation that has grown over 18 years, the staff who have given their all for the psychosocial wellbeing of our clients... on the other hand I am not entirely unsympathetic when I am told that the health funding is going into preventing babies from dying of pneumonia (common here) and gastro (too common also) and adults in their prime dying of diabetes, or having limbs amputated...and that until the very basic levels of health care are in place to keep people alive, mental health just doesn't figure on the agenda. It kind of takes the wind out of my fight. I will keep on keeping on, but you know, just saying...
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
angry
I feel like I spent my life in phases of anger versus numbness. I have stages when I don't think about the rampant inequity, the abuses, the torture, the greed, the stupidity, the damn injustice of the world.... in those stages I manage to stay pretty numb and just focus on my little piece of the world and making it a little happier...I only focus on my friends, the people I love, my garden, my home, fun outings and entertainment... and then I remember. And then I walk around with a pit of anger and frustration in my belly... I rage inside at the horror of the world and my own powerlessness to change it. I try to change my little piece of the world and make it a little fairer, but still I feel deeply angry and overwhelmed by the state of things... This is an angry stage.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
facing the impossible and staring the F*cker down...
An AUSAID quirk threatens the existence of our whole organisation...
My heart is blue and heavy, my head is weary and worried, my back is tight and I am mentally rehearsing the speech I give when I tell all of my staff that we can no longer pay their wages...
And at the same time...I am coming out fighting. In the next three weeks we need to achieve the impossible if we are to survive.... and damn it... my fighting spirit is coming out. I will win this damn it. Those suits are not going to unravel 18 years of blood sweat and tears with one ill conceived funding decision... I will work harder than ever, longer, better than ever...and we will win....
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #21
21. Finish what I begin.
ARG! I have never been good at finishing... I avoid endings. Relationships, assignments, jobs, sentences...I don't like full stops. I avoid going to bed at night, my fridge is full of jars with the last bit still in them, my shelves are full of half read books and my life is driven by the next new challenge rather than finishing the one I am living at the time... I am a huge fan, you may have noticed, of the "..." I like to leave things open, open to the possibility of continuation...
I was planning on finishing my 21 posts on inner beauty with a retrospective of the other 20 posts, under the them "learn from the past"...but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I noticed I was avoiding it... And I realised - this typifies one of my great life challenges. I love beginning, and avoid ending.
This has been a double edged sword.
In some situations it has brought me rewards - I have hung on, with patience and fortitude, and the rewards have been that things and people are still in my life that wouldn't have been otherwise...this blog is one example!
On the other side of the sword it has meant that I have left things unresolved, hung on too long, left doors open that should have been closed, been cowardly, and this has sometimes brought sadness and frustration to myself and other affected people.
And the big downside is the blow that it strikes to my sense of accomplishment in life. I don't finish things - I get to the very last stage, and I lose momentum. Diets, tasks, goals... so often just short of accomplished. I am so often "going well" until I am not anymore.
I have spent many many hours, and a lot of therapy money, trying to work on this in myself. What is my resistance to finishing? Is it addiction to the joy of new beginnings, do I get bored, do I fear admitting that is "as good as it gets", do I feel inadequate and always hope for more time to meet expectations, was I never really committed to the outcome??...blah blah blah....I think its time to stop asking the question "why" and just start doing it.
So as I FINISH this challenge, I acknowledge that it was tempting to either never post the 21st post... or to keep going, to decide to go to 100..... but I wouldn't finish it and it would be another thing on my list of unfinished self challenges - so I won't.
I have enjoyed this, and I have learned from it, and now it is finished. I do feel slightly more beautiful on the inside for undertaking this process... and I have reinvigorated my sense of commitment to self improvement.
My new self challenge... JFI. "Just Finish It".
ARG! I have never been good at finishing... I avoid endings. Relationships, assignments, jobs, sentences...I don't like full stops. I avoid going to bed at night, my fridge is full of jars with the last bit still in them, my shelves are full of half read books and my life is driven by the next new challenge rather than finishing the one I am living at the time... I am a huge fan, you may have noticed, of the "..." I like to leave things open, open to the possibility of continuation...
I was planning on finishing my 21 posts on inner beauty with a retrospective of the other 20 posts, under the them "learn from the past"...but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I noticed I was avoiding it... And I realised - this typifies one of my great life challenges. I love beginning, and avoid ending.
This has been a double edged sword.
In some situations it has brought me rewards - I have hung on, with patience and fortitude, and the rewards have been that things and people are still in my life that wouldn't have been otherwise...this blog is one example!
On the other side of the sword it has meant that I have left things unresolved, hung on too long, left doors open that should have been closed, been cowardly, and this has sometimes brought sadness and frustration to myself and other affected people.
And the big downside is the blow that it strikes to my sense of accomplishment in life. I don't finish things - I get to the very last stage, and I lose momentum. Diets, tasks, goals... so often just short of accomplished. I am so often "going well" until I am not anymore.
So as I FINISH this challenge, I acknowledge that it was tempting to either never post the 21st post... or to keep going, to decide to go to 100..... but I wouldn't finish it and it would be another thing on my list of unfinished self challenges - so I won't.
I have enjoyed this, and I have learned from it, and now it is finished. I do feel slightly more beautiful on the inside for undertaking this process... and I have reinvigorated my sense of commitment to self improvement.
My new self challenge... JFI. "Just Finish It".
Saturday, October 6, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #20
20. Take the first little step.
So I have been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work that I am having to face in the next three weeks. And I have been avoiding it... I fill my time with the hundred little issues that come through in emails...and I avoid the big bastards. And the anxiety is building...
Last night I took a small step towards achieving... and it felt good. And now, I am going to take another small step... and soon - I know - I will feel less paralysed and more engaged... and then, I will be in the swing. Taking one small step can make a big difference.
This goes for everything in life - growing as a person, relationships, health, parenting, life goals... its all about taking the first step... and moving forward... trusting that these little steps will, indeed, sometimes make a big difference.
Friday, October 5, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #19
19. Embracing age
I love this. And I love being 40. I am not so keen on life running out...but I love being older. I love feeling like a grown up. I love feeling worthy of respect and not fighting to overcome the stigma of youthful inexperience. I love having a history. I love looking back at all I have learned and how it has shaped who I have become. I love not stressing about how I look any more, because I am more than that.
I am more than ok, for now, with ageing.
I am loving focussing on the inner beauty of who I am.
I love this. And I love being 40. I am not so keen on life running out...but I love being older. I love feeling like a grown up. I love feeling worthy of respect and not fighting to overcome the stigma of youthful inexperience. I love having a history. I love looking back at all I have learned and how it has shaped who I have become. I love not stressing about how I look any more, because I am more than that.
I am more than ok, for now, with ageing.
I am loving focussing on the inner beauty of who I am.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #17
17. On the importance of not being earnest.
So when I was a teenager I remember my mum turning to me in exasperation and saying "do you really need to be so honest? Its ok not to be honest all the time!".
And I admit... its a bit of a theme for me. I am compelled to speak the truth, and there have been many many times when I have regretted it. Sometimes because people have been unnecessarily hurt, sometimes because you can't take it back once it is said, sometimes because the "truth" is a relative and unstable construct...and it changes... and again, you can't unsay it once it is said....
And yesterday I had another lesson in this.
Its pretty gross so if you are "delicate" then stop reading now...
So I was sitting on a stool (the chair type) in the toilet room while my daughter worked to deposit a stool (the non-chair type) in the said toilet. We were having a chat, as we are wont to do to pass the time and keep things relaxed. Its not been an easy journey to this point...but that would be digressing.
So we were talking about her pregnant teacher. I have answered my angel's questions all about where she came from and how she was born...so she asked me "mummy, will the doctor cut open Teacher Lyn's tummy and take the baby out?"
And here is where I should have stopped myself and resorted to Santa Claus/Easter Bunny style babble.
Instead I said... "well maybe, but sometimes women don't have their tummies cut open, sometimes they push the baby out through their 'gina's, a bit like pushing out a really big poo...but its a baby that comes out, and its from your gina not your bottom."
And we moved on.
Later that night.... I was awakened by hysteria. Nightmares. Desperately trying to hold in her wee, shouting "no wee, don't come out!!" and refusing to go to the toilet, while wailing in misery. Finally I, in total confusion, managed to persuade her to sit on the toilet...where-upon she started wailing again... and as she finally started to get the words together between the sobs...I heard "sob,noooooo waaa, baby... boooohooooooooo out...my gina! waaaaaaaaah"
And that is when I learned my lesson.
Think before you speak. Honesty is not always wise, nor appropriate, nor kind.
And this is my inner beauty message for today.
Paradoxical - but true.
So when I was a teenager I remember my mum turning to me in exasperation and saying "do you really need to be so honest? Its ok not to be honest all the time!".
And I admit... its a bit of a theme for me. I am compelled to speak the truth, and there have been many many times when I have regretted it. Sometimes because people have been unnecessarily hurt, sometimes because you can't take it back once it is said, sometimes because the "truth" is a relative and unstable construct...and it changes... and again, you can't unsay it once it is said....
And yesterday I had another lesson in this.
Its pretty gross so if you are "delicate" then stop reading now...
So I was sitting on a stool (the chair type) in the toilet room while my daughter worked to deposit a stool (the non-chair type) in the said toilet. We were having a chat, as we are wont to do to pass the time and keep things relaxed. Its not been an easy journey to this point...but that would be digressing.
So we were talking about her pregnant teacher. I have answered my angel's questions all about where she came from and how she was born...so she asked me "mummy, will the doctor cut open Teacher Lyn's tummy and take the baby out?"
And here is where I should have stopped myself and resorted to Santa Claus/Easter Bunny style babble.
Instead I said... "well maybe, but sometimes women don't have their tummies cut open, sometimes they push the baby out through their 'gina's, a bit like pushing out a really big poo...but its a baby that comes out, and its from your gina not your bottom."
And we moved on.
Later that night.... I was awakened by hysteria. Nightmares. Desperately trying to hold in her wee, shouting "no wee, don't come out!!" and refusing to go to the toilet, while wailing in misery. Finally I, in total confusion, managed to persuade her to sit on the toilet...where-upon she started wailing again... and as she finally started to get the words together between the sobs...I heard "sob,noooooo waaa, baby... boooohooooooooo out...my gina! waaaaaaaaah"
And that is when I learned my lesson.
Think before you speak. Honesty is not always wise, nor appropriate, nor kind.
And this is my inner beauty message for today.
Paradoxical - but true.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #16
16. Simplify and let go
So I openly admit it... I am a hoarder. I over-consume, and I hate to get rid of things... I find it excruciating. I live in fear of needing something that I don't have on hand. If something has no conceivable usefulness then I can easily dump it, but if I can think of a way that it might be able to be used in the future its really hard to walk away. I don't have one of things, I have three...just in case I lose or use one and break the other... or in case I meet someone who doesn't have one, and then I can help clutter their lives too. I let things go off in the fridge, yummy expensive things, because I can't let myself eat them - because then I won't have them anymore and I may never be able to get more... so in fear I hoard the last one and hope it stays that forever....this tendency is exacerbated here in Fiji because its literally true that the shops get in a product once, and then never have it again...so I have to buy months worth, and then I can't let myself use them...
But I have to change this... I have to learn to not fear going without...I have to let go of the need to "have" and focus on the need to "be".
This is an example I want to set for my child, and the way that I know I will be happier...
So I openly admit it... I am a hoarder. I over-consume, and I hate to get rid of things... I find it excruciating. I live in fear of needing something that I don't have on hand. If something has no conceivable usefulness then I can easily dump it, but if I can think of a way that it might be able to be used in the future its really hard to walk away. I don't have one of things, I have three...just in case I lose or use one and break the other... or in case I meet someone who doesn't have one, and then I can help clutter their lives too. I let things go off in the fridge, yummy expensive things, because I can't let myself eat them - because then I won't have them anymore and I may never be able to get more... so in fear I hoard the last one and hope it stays that forever....this tendency is exacerbated here in Fiji because its literally true that the shops get in a product once, and then never have it again...so I have to buy months worth, and then I can't let myself use them...
But I have to change this... I have to learn to not fear going without...I have to let go of the need to "have" and focus on the need to "be".
This is an example I want to set for my child, and the way that I know I will be happier...
Monday, October 1, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #15
15. 
For some people their inner beauty journey is about opening their minds to possible paths. For me it is the opposite. I have always been inundated with ideas, plans, hopes, choices... I see options and possibilities everywhere I look. For me, my inner beauty will be about letting go of trying to do it all, and of suffering if I can't. My inner beauty is about being calm, and accepting the limits of time and life. I can always do more, certainly, but to be focussed and happy, to be centred and grounded, to have quality rather than quantity in myself - I will accept that my short life will not allow me to do everything, follow every possibility. For me, I need to start to choose and let go.
For some people their inner beauty journey is about opening their minds to possible paths. For me it is the opposite. I have always been inundated with ideas, plans, hopes, choices... I see options and possibilities everywhere I look. For me, my inner beauty will be about letting go of trying to do it all, and of suffering if I can't. My inner beauty is about being calm, and accepting the limits of time and life. I can always do more, certainly, but to be focussed and happy, to be centred and grounded, to have quality rather than quantity in myself - I will accept that my short life will not allow me to do everything, follow every possibility. For me, I need to start to choose and let go.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #14
14. Being my dream for my child
More than anything in the world I want my little girl to be happy. This week for some reason I am acutely aware of how much she means to me... she is my everything...
And much more than my own happiness, I want her to be happy. I don't want to live through her, but I want to teach her how to find a pathway to happiness. I don't want to choose that path for her, but I want her to find it and confidently walk it, without faltering, without self sabotaging, without fear... I want her to stride into her happiness with her head held high.
And there is only one way that I can think of to teach her that... and that is by leading the way. In a thousand obvious and invisible ways she is learning from me every day. She is sucking in my way of thinking, living, believing and choosing. She is imprinting her mind with the things I say and do...and of course, like every mother, I hear myself coming out of her mouth on a daily basis.
So this is my challenge... I need to teach her to find her inner beauty and let it guide her in choosing a path of happiness. I need to show her how to do it.
And so I need to do it myself. I need to find in me the confidence, the bravery, the trust and the commitment to stride forward towards happiness. I need to take her with me on my journey inside myself to find my inner happiness.
I need to be the way I want her to be, and live the life I want for her.
I need to be happy.
More than anything in the world I want my little girl to be happy. This week for some reason I am acutely aware of how much she means to me... she is my everything...
And much more than my own happiness, I want her to be happy. I don't want to live through her, but I want to teach her how to find a pathway to happiness. I don't want to choose that path for her, but I want her to find it and confidently walk it, without faltering, without self sabotaging, without fear... I want her to stride into her happiness with her head held high.
And there is only one way that I can think of to teach her that... and that is by leading the way. In a thousand obvious and invisible ways she is learning from me every day. She is sucking in my way of thinking, living, believing and choosing. She is imprinting her mind with the things I say and do...and of course, like every mother, I hear myself coming out of her mouth on a daily basis. So this is my challenge... I need to teach her to find her inner beauty and let it guide her in choosing a path of happiness. I need to show her how to do it.
And so I need to do it myself. I need to find in me the confidence, the bravery, the trust and the commitment to stride forward towards happiness. I need to take her with me on my journey inside myself to find my inner happiness.
I need to be the way I want her to be, and live the life I want for her.
I need to be happy.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #13
13. Just do it anyway... trust!
I notice today how often I mentally sabotage my own enjoyment... I agree to things, throw myself into ideas, organise things...and then in the moments that precede them I lose the joy. In the minutes or hours before a social event, or an unusual activity, begins, even though I have previously been filled with enthusiasm, I lose my nerve, my joy in the idea... I resent it, kick myself or organising it, become attached to my homeostasis in the face of impending disruption. And then I do it anyway, because I have committed, and I love it.
Sometimes I pull out and on those occasions I will never know if I would have loved it, but I do know that the times I don't pull out are almost always great.
Why do I doubt it?
Why do I doubt myself?
Why do I tell myself I don't want something that clearly has a stack of evidence behind the premise that I will enjoy it? While I am there, why do I also tell myself I don't want to exercise when the evidence is definitely in that I will feel better if I do...?
So my inner beauty inspiration for today is to keep encouraging myself to "just do it"...and forge my way through the last minute cold feet and into the promised land.
I notice today how often I mentally sabotage my own enjoyment... I agree to things, throw myself into ideas, organise things...and then in the moments that precede them I lose the joy. In the minutes or hours before a social event, or an unusual activity, begins, even though I have previously been filled with enthusiasm, I lose my nerve, my joy in the idea... I resent it, kick myself or organising it, become attached to my homeostasis in the face of impending disruption. And then I do it anyway, because I have committed, and I love it.
Sometimes I pull out and on those occasions I will never know if I would have loved it, but I do know that the times I don't pull out are almost always great.
Why do I doubt it?
Why do I doubt myself?
Why do I tell myself I don't want something that clearly has a stack of evidence behind the premise that I will enjoy it? While I am there, why do I also tell myself I don't want to exercise when the evidence is definitely in that I will feel better if I do...?
So my inner beauty inspiration for today is to keep encouraging myself to "just do it"...and forge my way through the last minute cold feet and into the promised land.
Friday, September 28, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #12
12. Remembering that under it all we are all the same, and we just want to be happy...even if we are a bit misguided about how we go about it. So if someone upsets you or makes you angry...if they do wrong by you... remember - its just their poor stupid misguided attempt to find a little crumb of happiness - and forgive them...
Countering Stress and Depression
By HH Dalai Lama
At a fundamental level, as human beings, we are all the same; each one of us aspires to happiness and each one of us does not wish to suffer. This is why, whenever I have the opportunity, I try to draw people's attention to what as members of the human family we have in common and the deeply interconnected nature of our existence and welfare.
Countering Stress and Depression
By HH Dalai Lama
At a fundamental level, as human beings, we are all the same; each one of us aspires to happiness and each one of us does not wish to suffer. This is why, whenever I have the opportunity, I try to draw people's attention to what as members of the human family we have in common and the deeply interconnected nature of our existence and welfare.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #11
11. Knowing the physical body will eventually be ash, but your legacy will remain...
Today's Inner Beauty Inspiration comes from the idea of letting go of the focus on outer beauty. There was a photo posted on Facebook of a woman with very obvious facial hair... the rest speaks for itself. And I applaud whole-heartedly...
Shout out to this truly fresh and fearless Kaur! After finding her picture posted in Reddit's "Funny" section under the title, "I'm not sure what to conclude from this", Balpreet Kaur responded:
"...I'm a baptized Sikh woman with facial hair. Yes, I realize that my gender is often confused and I look different than most women. However, baptized Sikhs believe in the sacredness of this body - it i
Today's Inner Beauty Inspiration comes from the idea of letting go of the focus on outer beauty. There was a photo posted on Facebook of a woman with very obvious facial hair... the rest speaks for itself. And I applaud whole-heartedly...
Shout out to this truly fresh and fearless Kaur! After finding her picture posted in Reddit's "Funny" section under the title, "I'm not sure what to conclude from this", Balpreet Kaur responded:
"...I'm a baptized Sikh woman with facial hair. Yes, I realize that my gender is often confused and I look different than most women. However, baptized Sikhs believe in the sacredness of this body - it i
s a gift that has been given to us by the Divine Being [which is genderless, actually] and, must keep it intact as a submission to the divine will. Just as a child doesn't reject the gift of his/her parents, Sikhs do not reject the body that has been given to us. By crying 'mine, mine' and changing this body-tool, we are essentially living in ego and creating a seperateness between ourselves and the divinity within us. By transcending societal views of beauty, I believe that I can focus more on my actions. My attitude and thoughts and actions have more value in them than my body because I recognize that this body is just going to become ash in the end, so why fuss about it? When I die, no one is going to remember what I looked like, heck, my kids will forget my voice, and slowly, all physical memory will fade away. However, my impact and legacy will remain: and, by not focusing on the physical beauty, I have time to cultivate those inner virtues and hopefully, focus my life on creating change and progress for this world in any way I can. So, to me, my face isn't important but the smile and the happiness that lie behind the face are..."
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #10
10. Knowing that more is not necessarily better
I am nursing a sore head... its not too bad, but its a hang over... I failed to learn from experience...and once again I thought it would be a great idea to have a second glass of that yummy wine. All too recently I learned that two glasses makes me feel like crap the next day at the moment (cadbury's girl!). For some reason I am not tolerating more than one glass and still being friends with my body the next day.
But the wine was yummy, and it had been a long day...so of course my mind told me "hey, you like it, you deserve it...have more!" and it was a slippery slope from there.
Because its all too easy to subscribe to the super-size culture of more-ism...
I think its a survival instinct - get while the going is good because you never know when a bear is going to eat your head... but of course these days we have evolved to the point where the instinct is redundant, and yet we continue to blindly follow it...
More is better, more is grand, a glass of wine in the mouth is better than one in the hand...
But its not true.
Moderation people, moderation!
Inner beauty comes is inspired by moderation...by stopping when you have had enough...by taking life slowly and not taking more than you need...by knowing when enough is enough and you are just being a little piggy who will regret it in the morning...
Tis sadly true, that more often means moans...not the well of endless happiness it promises.
Inner beauty requires one to be feeling balanced...and balance means M-o-d-e-r-a-t-i-o-n!
Sheesh.
But the wine was yummy, and it had been a long day...so of course my mind told me "hey, you like it, you deserve it...have more!" and it was a slippery slope from there.
Because its all too easy to subscribe to the super-size culture of more-ism...
I think its a survival instinct - get while the going is good because you never know when a bear is going to eat your head... but of course these days we have evolved to the point where the instinct is redundant, and yet we continue to blindly follow it...
More is better, more is grand, a glass of wine in the mouth is better than one in the hand...
But its not true.
Moderation people, moderation!
Inner beauty comes is inspired by moderation...by stopping when you have had enough...by taking life slowly and not taking more than you need...by knowing when enough is enough and you are just being a little piggy who will regret it in the morning...
Tis sadly true, that more often means moans...not the well of endless happiness it promises.
Inner beauty requires one to be feeling balanced...and balance means M-o-d-e-r-a-t-i-o-n!
Sheesh.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #9
9. Giving yourself a break
Sometimes its a night to just lay on the couch. Sometimes its a night to drink not one, but two glasses of wine. Sometimes its a night off - just because.
Breaks are necessary. Breaks let us come back stronger and more motivated.
Sometimes we just need to give ourselves a night off.
Sometimes its a night to just lay on the couch. Sometimes its a night to drink not one, but two glasses of wine. Sometimes its a night off - just because.
Breaks are necessary. Breaks let us come back stronger and more motivated.
Sometimes we just need to give ourselves a night off.
Monday, September 24, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #8
8. Appreciating natural beauty
Beauty is everywhere... in a leaf, a green tree against a blue sky, a cloud, a new shoot, a flower...
Taking a moment to appreciate a small thing of natural beauty, even if you see it so often you don't notice it any more, changes you in that moment. In that moment I find I am transported out of my own messy brain and into a space of connectedness with the world around me. Natural beauty is unfathomably mysterious and limitlessly wonderful.
Today my moment of appreciation was a frangipani tree laden with rich white flowers. I only glimpsed it from the car as I drove past - but in that moment my mood shifted, I smiled, relaxed and was - for a moment - joyous. And moments like these can change everything.
So today I remember that taking a tiny teeny moment to pause in appreciation of the wonderous beauty of nature inspires my inner beauty, makes me a better, happier, more grounded, more humble, more present, more open person.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #7
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e tthyt h.mu[//oopppr6hh
7. Not saying no just because...
Above this inspiration you can see the typing of a 3 year old... A three year old who sees her mummy sitting pressing buttons on a computer for too many hours doing "work"... A three year old who asked her mummy if she could please do some work on the 'puter too... and could mummy please leave her alone to do her work...
The natural answer to this would have been "NO"... you cannot sit alone pressing buttons on mummy's work computer... No, of course a three year old shouldn't be left alone with an expensive piece of technology...
No ... No... But.... then I thought about what she could do wrong in a few moments... could she delete the hard drive? Unlikely. Where there any liquids near by? No... Whats the worst that could happen? Not sure... probably nothing too dire...
So I said OK. I didn't say No...
Too often in life I say No first, and think later. I say No, just because...even when I am not entirely sure what comes after the because. I say No because I think that's the better answer without stopping to really think about why, and what could really happen if I said Yes...
So I am inspiring my inner beauty today by saying Yes... instead of No.
And so I opened a blog window and I left her to it. And she typed the letters above... apparently.
A new moments later I heard a computerised voice coming from the office... I came in quickly. I have no idea how she did it, or how to do it again...but she was in a section of the control panel that was giving the button options out-loud one after the other... reading out the words on the buttons in a female GPS-style voice. I had never known that my computer had a voice!
One day I might find it again, or I may not... but somehow she found it...
And see...if I had said "NO" I would never have discovered that my computer had a voice!
There must be some kind of metaphor in that....
e tthyt h.mu[//oopppr6hh
7. Not saying no just because...
Above this inspiration you can see the typing of a 3 year old... A three year old who sees her mummy sitting pressing buttons on a computer for too many hours doing "work"... A three year old who asked her mummy if she could please do some work on the 'puter too... and could mummy please leave her alone to do her work...
The natural answer to this would have been "NO"... you cannot sit alone pressing buttons on mummy's work computer... No, of course a three year old shouldn't be left alone with an expensive piece of technology...
No ... No... But.... then I thought about what she could do wrong in a few moments... could she delete the hard drive? Unlikely. Where there any liquids near by? No... Whats the worst that could happen? Not sure... probably nothing too dire...
So I said OK. I didn't say No...
Too often in life I say No first, and think later. I say No, just because...even when I am not entirely sure what comes after the because. I say No because I think that's the better answer without stopping to really think about why, and what could really happen if I said Yes...
So I am inspiring my inner beauty today by saying Yes... instead of No.
And so I opened a blog window and I left her to it. And she typed the letters above... apparently.
A new moments later I heard a computerised voice coming from the office... I came in quickly. I have no idea how she did it, or how to do it again...but she was in a section of the control panel that was giving the button options out-loud one after the other... reading out the words on the buttons in a female GPS-style voice. I had never known that my computer had a voice!
One day I might find it again, or I may not... but somehow she found it...
And see...if I had said "NO" I would never have discovered that my computer had a voice!
There must be some kind of metaphor in that....
Saturday, September 22, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #6
6. Knowing I can always be and do more...
I can do much more than I think I can, and I can do much more than I do. I can give more, I can think more, I can work more and play more, I can be more generous, more creative, more thoughtful, more healthy... Being inspired means I know that I can be more and do more... I don't give in to "thats enough now" thinking...I am limitless.
I can do much more than I think I can, and I can do much more than I do. I can give more, I can think more, I can work more and play more, I can be more generous, more creative, more thoughtful, more healthy... Being inspired means I know that I can be more and do more... I don't give in to "thats enough now" thinking...I am limitless.
Friday, September 21, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #5
"Something happens to you when you start looking after yourself: You start to feel precious. You are happy, and it is infectious. People around you are happy too"
Today I found this and it summed up what I have been wanting to articulate. I wanted to write something about how paradoxically I feel better when I am exercising, eating well, committing to my own health. Its not just about the endorphins of exercise, its bigger than that. While my mind tells me I am happier indulging in tasty desirable "unhealthy-ness", diving into chocolate and cheesecake and laying on the couch... my reality tells me that the opposite is paradoxically true.
What I know to be true is that I am happier, more optimistic, more empowered, more positive to others, more energised and more alive when I am "sacrificing" the treats and laziness and making the effort to look after myself. I know that for some this is no longer an effort - they have committed to it enough that it feels natural rather than like a chore... I hope to get there some day...but in the mean time I will try to hold onto this inner beauty inspiration to encourage me to keep on being committed to health and well-being, and know this honouring of myself will positively infect all of my relationships and endeavours.
Today I found this and it summed up what I have been wanting to articulate. I wanted to write something about how paradoxically I feel better when I am exercising, eating well, committing to my own health. Its not just about the endorphins of exercise, its bigger than that. While my mind tells me I am happier indulging in tasty desirable "unhealthy-ness", diving into chocolate and cheesecake and laying on the couch... my reality tells me that the opposite is paradoxically true.
What I know to be true is that I am happier, more optimistic, more empowered, more positive to others, more energised and more alive when I am "sacrificing" the treats and laziness and making the effort to look after myself. I know that for some this is no longer an effort - they have committed to it enough that it feels natural rather than like a chore... I hope to get there some day...but in the mean time I will try to hold onto this inner beauty inspiration to encourage me to keep on being committed to health and well-being, and know this honouring of myself will positively infect all of my relationships and endeavours.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #4
So I missed a day... I missed a day because I have been struggling a bit. I could have forced something, but my heart wasn't it in. I go up and down at the moment and I have been on a bit of a down slope. I have been thinking about my future - about the next step after this step. I have been trying to focus on a goal, to have a sense of what I am working towards...and, for the life of me, I can't see a thing. Its all fog. I know I won't stay here much longer than another year (which is, lets face it, quite a long time) but I cannot see beyond here. And that makes me feel disconnected, like I am standing at the top of a cliff... Its distractingly disconcerting.
And then I found this quote. And it reminded me... I am so busy worrying about what comes next that I am not here. I am not engaged. I am not present. I am also not achieving what I need to do, and I am not fully experiencing the now.
So I remind myself to stop, breath, be here.
When I am present I am engaged with life.
When I am engaged with life I am able to engage with others in a genuine and present way.
When I am present I am more able to be authentic, real, beautiful on the inside.
So...back to being present in the now.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #3
3. Ask for feedback from others and be humble and open to learning from it.
Today I invited all of my team of managers to give me feedback on my performance. Usually performance appraisals are done by someone above you, but in my case... as the CEO there is only be Board of Trustees...and they would know almost nothing about my daily work. So I have set a time for all of my executive management team to get together and give me feedback. And I am really looking forward to it!
At the same time we have been doing a staff engagement survey, and some are very positive, and some responses are honest and direct and critical. And I really appreciate it. I really do want to know what people are thinking and feeling and what they think should be done better. Its so inspiring to have the opportunity to learn and grow in this way.
Some people shy away from criticism... they stand strong against it, holding tight to their positive self image in and avoiding any evidence that is contrary to that image. And paradoxically they think that will help them to be happier - whereas I find that when I am open, undefensive, humble, and eager to learn - then receiving feedback is a wonderful gift.
And it helps others to feel valued and important as well.
So in today's journey of inner beauty inspiration I celebrate humbleness and willingness to take it on the chin and learn, grow and improve.
Today I invited all of my team of managers to give me feedback on my performance. Usually performance appraisals are done by someone above you, but in my case... as the CEO there is only be Board of Trustees...and they would know almost nothing about my daily work. So I have set a time for all of my executive management team to get together and give me feedback. And I am really looking forward to it!
At the same time we have been doing a staff engagement survey, and some are very positive, and some responses are honest and direct and critical. And I really appreciate it. I really do want to know what people are thinking and feeling and what they think should be done better. Its so inspiring to have the opportunity to learn and grow in this way.
Some people shy away from criticism... they stand strong against it, holding tight to their positive self image in and avoiding any evidence that is contrary to that image. And paradoxically they think that will help them to be happier - whereas I find that when I am open, undefensive, humble, and eager to learn - then receiving feedback is a wonderful gift.
And it helps others to feel valued and important as well.
Monday, September 17, 2012
21 inner beauty inspirations #2
2. Making an effort to do the small things for others that sometimes turn out, unexpectedly, to be the moments that make the difference in a life.
Today I read a story on Facebook (posted below)...I was moved and inspired - it inspired me to remember to go out of my way to do little things for other. When I am focussed on my inner beauty I think to do the little things that take but a moment and may only last a moment, but which sometimes, occasionally, mean the world.
Once a long time ago I knew a woman who was feeling down. I didn't know her well, I had worked with her for a short time but wasn't anymore. I heard from someone else that she was feeling down and, on a whim, I bought a book by HH The Dalai Lama and I wrapped it up and dropped it off at her house. I didn't go in, just handed her the book and said that I was thinking of her and thought she might like it. I actually don't know what effect the book had, if any, on her happiness but we did develop, over time and in random moment of connection, a long term friendship that I value highly. We don't see each other very often, but when we do its wonderful. Recently she has been in a position to help me with a work issue, and she has gone out of her way to do that. Dropping that book off remains one of the things that I am proudest of in my life, because it shaped me - it helped me to become someone who does that stuff. It pushed me out of my comfort zone in a way that became part of how I now define myself. I am the person who does random acts of kindness and goes out of my way to help a friend or stranger. I am someone who will turn up on your doorstep with soup. I am someone who will give you a gift, for no reason, because its something you would like. I am someone who will stop to compliment someone when they don't expect it. Last week my nanny mentioned an old lady she knows who is living alone and although she can hardly walk, she is growing all her own food because she has little money and her adult kids are now far away. So I bought the old lady a months worth of groceries. Because I could. Because I am someone who does stuff like that - and it makes me happy to know that - not out of pride or conceit, but because I am so happy and grateful that I learned to be this way.
Remembering this about me helps me feel connected with inner beauty.
I hope you enjoy today's inspiration...
A sweet lesson on patience.
A NYC Taxi driver wrote:
I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across
Today I read a story on Facebook (posted below)...I was moved and inspired - it inspired me to remember to go out of my way to do little things for other. When I am focussed on my inner beauty I think to do the little things that take but a moment and may only last a moment, but which sometimes, occasionally, mean the world.
Once a long time ago I knew a woman who was feeling down. I didn't know her well, I had worked with her for a short time but wasn't anymore. I heard from someone else that she was feeling down and, on a whim, I bought a book by HH The Dalai Lama and I wrapped it up and dropped it off at her house. I didn't go in, just handed her the book and said that I was thinking of her and thought she might like it. I actually don't know what effect the book had, if any, on her happiness but we did develop, over time and in random moment of connection, a long term friendship that I value highly. We don't see each other very often, but when we do its wonderful. Recently she has been in a position to help me with a work issue, and she has gone out of her way to do that. Dropping that book off remains one of the things that I am proudest of in my life, because it shaped me - it helped me to become someone who does that stuff. It pushed me out of my comfort zone in a way that became part of how I now define myself. I am the person who does random acts of kindness and goes out of my way to help a friend or stranger. I am someone who will turn up on your doorstep with soup. I am someone who will give you a gift, for no reason, because its something you would like. I am someone who will stop to compliment someone when they don't expect it. Last week my nanny mentioned an old lady she knows who is living alone and although she can hardly walk, she is growing all her own food because she has little money and her adult kids are now far away. So I bought the old lady a months worth of groceries. Because I could. Because I am someone who does stuff like that - and it makes me happy to know that - not out of pride or conceit, but because I am so happy and grateful that I learned to be this way.
I hope you enjoy today's inspiration...
A sweet lesson on patience.
A NYC Taxi driver wrote:
I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across
the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard
box filled with photos and glassware.
'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'
'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive
through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
'There are other passengers,' I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard
box filled with photos and glassware.
'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'
'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive
through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
'There are other passengers,' I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
21 inner beauty inspirations #1
1. Taking a genuine interest in others...
I notice how often conversations with others are exchanges of self focussed stories, rather than genuine conversations which unravel the superficial and get to the heart of a friend's state of being. I notice how much having young children at the table influences the superficiality of friendships - its much harder to get into an in depth discussion about the more personal aspect of a friend's experiences of life when really, you can only listen with half a brain, and watch with one eye. I notice how many of my friendships are now based on these half focussed interactions in which story telling is the default because you can do that while multi-tasking and it doesn't require eye contact.
So I ask myself - how can I return to a way of being in which I am able to take a genuine interest in others in the context of their lives? I reflect on the people I love best, and they are all people who are able to do that - who make me feel like they are really truly interested in what I am thinking, feeling, doing, experiencing...and why that is. These are the people I miss most, the people I most want to talk to after a hard day, and the people who I am most interested in learning more about.
I am genuinely interested and caring of other people in my life - how can I express and foster that more - to both enhance this inner beauty, and to connect better with the inner beauty of others.
I can :
1. take time to call instead of text.
2. text out of the blue because I am thinking of a friend - and ask them how they are
3. send emails instead of reading about people's lives on facebook and assuming I know whats going on for them
4. randomly contact people I haven't spoken to in years but still think fondly of
5. ask ask ask tell instead of tell ask tell... a rich conversation has both parties present and included - not all focussed on the other - but I will try to make it less than 25% about me, and the rest about them...questions, reflections, actually asking about the things I am interested in. Sometimes I hold back out of not wanting to be seen as prying...but its time to put that fear aside and ask. After-all - I love it when people are interested enough to ask me, and I trust my friends to have boundaries around not feeling pressured to talk about things that they are not comfortable sharing.
6. Listen, really listen. The most important part - no point asking and not really paying attention to the answer... when the interest is genuine the listening is a given.
By maintaining focus on others I become the friend I want to be.
And true friends are beautiful.
I notice how often conversations with others are exchanges of self focussed stories, rather than genuine conversations which unravel the superficial and get to the heart of a friend's state of being. I notice how much having young children at the table influences the superficiality of friendships - its much harder to get into an in depth discussion about the more personal aspect of a friend's experiences of life when really, you can only listen with half a brain, and watch with one eye. I notice how many of my friendships are now based on these half focussed interactions in which story telling is the default because you can do that while multi-tasking and it doesn't require eye contact.
So I ask myself - how can I return to a way of being in which I am able to take a genuine interest in others in the context of their lives? I reflect on the people I love best, and they are all people who are able to do that - who make me feel like they are really truly interested in what I am thinking, feeling, doing, experiencing...and why that is. These are the people I miss most, the people I most want to talk to after a hard day, and the people who I am most interested in learning more about.
I am genuinely interested and caring of other people in my life - how can I express and foster that more - to both enhance this inner beauty, and to connect better with the inner beauty of others.
I can :1. take time to call instead of text.
2. text out of the blue because I am thinking of a friend - and ask them how they are
3. send emails instead of reading about people's lives on facebook and assuming I know whats going on for them
4. randomly contact people I haven't spoken to in years but still think fondly of
5. ask ask ask tell instead of tell ask tell... a rich conversation has both parties present and included - not all focussed on the other - but I will try to make it less than 25% about me, and the rest about them...questions, reflections, actually asking about the things I am interested in. Sometimes I hold back out of not wanting to be seen as prying...but its time to put that fear aside and ask. After-all - I love it when people are interested enough to ask me, and I trust my friends to have boundaries around not feeling pressured to talk about things that they are not comfortable sharing.
6. Listen, really listen. The most important part - no point asking and not really paying attention to the answer... when the interest is genuine the listening is a given.
By maintaining focus on others I become the friend I want to be.
And true friends are beautiful.
my inner beauty project...
So... recently put it out to the world that I wanted to be struck speechless by beauty...
I meant that I wanted to fall in love, be blown away in awe and overcome with appreciation for another person. I got four responses from friends. One reminded me about the splendour of the world around me...which I had forgotten to appreciate this week. One sought to give me faith that I would have that experience because I gave it to others - whether I knew it or not... Which was both exceedingly surprising and reassuring. One reminded me to look at my angel child... which reminded me that I am indeed deeply in love with her, and am indeed rendered speechless in appreciation on such a regular basis that I almost take it for granted now. And the fourth urged me to look for it inside my own heart. This one struck me most.
And I am reminded, once again, that I have indeed lost my perspective on what it is that I really need to do to find satisfaction. I used to know these truths. I used to know that if I am feeling unsatisfied in my life then it is inner development that is needed. I used to be clear in the knowledge that my perception of the world is entirely the product of my own mind and its quality. I used to be in the habit of knowing that my inner development is more important than any external achievement. I used to commit time and energy to the quality of my mind rather than the trappings of my life.
And I am frustrated that I have forgotten these things. I am sad that I am not living them.
So... At the same time as I am making a commitment to improving my outer self through healthy eating and exercise.... I am going to make a commitment to getting my insides back on track.
So... I make this commitment. I am going to find one thing a day which inspires inner beauty to grow. And I am going to blog about it.
I read once that it takes 21 days to change a habit - so this will be my challenge to myself. 21 days, 21 things to inspire inner beauty. 21 blog posts to record it.
How very exciting!
I meant that I wanted to fall in love, be blown away in awe and overcome with appreciation for another person. I got four responses from friends. One reminded me about the splendour of the world around me...which I had forgotten to appreciate this week. One sought to give me faith that I would have that experience because I gave it to others - whether I knew it or not... Which was both exceedingly surprising and reassuring. One reminded me to look at my angel child... which reminded me that I am indeed deeply in love with her, and am indeed rendered speechless in appreciation on such a regular basis that I almost take it for granted now. And the fourth urged me to look for it inside my own heart. This one struck me most. And I am reminded, once again, that I have indeed lost my perspective on what it is that I really need to do to find satisfaction. I used to know these truths. I used to know that if I am feeling unsatisfied in my life then it is inner development that is needed. I used to be clear in the knowledge that my perception of the world is entirely the product of my own mind and its quality. I used to be in the habit of knowing that my inner development is more important than any external achievement. I used to commit time and energy to the quality of my mind rather than the trappings of my life.
And I am frustrated that I have forgotten these things. I am sad that I am not living them.
So... At the same time as I am making a commitment to improving my outer self through healthy eating and exercise.... I am going to make a commitment to getting my insides back on track.
So... I make this commitment. I am going to find one thing a day which inspires inner beauty to grow. And I am going to blog about it.
I read once that it takes 21 days to change a habit - so this will be my challenge to myself. 21 days, 21 things to inspire inner beauty. 21 blog posts to record it.
How very exciting!
Saturday, September 15, 2012
the search...
So I am tired... I'm tired because I don't sleep enough. I say I don't sleep enough because I am busy working, but that's not the strictly truth. I do work a lot at night, and I do often need to, to stay on top of the endless mountain of work (or at least on the mountain if not at the top). But the truth is that I also don't sleep a lot because I stay up too late. It sounds simple I know, like, duh. I stay up too late at night so I am tired the next day. I get this. Its the reasons why I stay up too late that are more complex.
There is something deeply symbolic about ending a day I think. Ending a day by choosing to lay your head down, close your eyes and sleep - its an ending that is necessary to go through before the new day can start. For many I know that going to sleep is a blessed escape from the day. For many it is a practicality - their bodies need sleep, so they go to bed. For me it has always been more complicated.
When I end a day I like to feel that I have achieved what I wanted for the day. I end a day happily when I am satisfied with my day, when I am satisfied with my life. I end a day happily when I feel that the world is in balance. The rest of the time I go kicking and screaming, metaphorically. I drag myself off when I can no longer put it off. When my head has fallen on my keyboard too many times, or my vision is so blurry I can no longer make excuses to stay up.
And this is a sign, its a sign that I am not satisfied. I push later, longer, harder... compress the sleep hours into less and less space in my life when I am not happy with the awake hours. Somehow I think that if I just keep going I will find something that gives me the sense of completion I need to happily snuggle in for the night. And at the moment I am just not finding it.
I realise that I have done this for most of my adult life and I am saddened and disappointed to realise that I have spent a lot of my adult life incomplete. I have been looking for something for a really long time... what that is totally eludes me. Maybe its love, maybe its a sense of home, maybe its a "gang", maybe its an intangible sense of belonging. I have never found it and really - that is just sad.
I want those things. I truly cannot understand why they have eluded me.
Does anyone else feel like that?
There is something deeply symbolic about ending a day I think. Ending a day by choosing to lay your head down, close your eyes and sleep - its an ending that is necessary to go through before the new day can start. For many I know that going to sleep is a blessed escape from the day. For many it is a practicality - their bodies need sleep, so they go to bed. For me it has always been more complicated.
When I end a day I like to feel that I have achieved what I wanted for the day. I end a day happily when I am satisfied with my day, when I am satisfied with my life. I end a day happily when I feel that the world is in balance. The rest of the time I go kicking and screaming, metaphorically. I drag myself off when I can no longer put it off. When my head has fallen on my keyboard too many times, or my vision is so blurry I can no longer make excuses to stay up.
And this is a sign, its a sign that I am not satisfied. I push later, longer, harder... compress the sleep hours into less and less space in my life when I am not happy with the awake hours. Somehow I think that if I just keep going I will find something that gives me the sense of completion I need to happily snuggle in for the night. And at the moment I am just not finding it.
I realise that I have done this for most of my adult life and I am saddened and disappointed to realise that I have spent a lot of my adult life incomplete. I have been looking for something for a really long time... what that is totally eludes me. Maybe its love, maybe its a sense of home, maybe its a "gang", maybe its an intangible sense of belonging. I have never found it and really - that is just sad.
I want those things. I truly cannot understand why they have eluded me.
Does anyone else feel like that?
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
shrinking media wench
So in the last two weeks I have been on the evening news twice, on the paper 4 times, and done a live Radio Australia interview... and there is more media coming. I know, I know... autographs available on request :) Don't worry - I am working on getting smaller in my thongs, not too big for them :) While I am thrilled for the organisation that we are getting so much great media coverage at the moment - I know its not about me. Its about the hundreds of people, past and present, who have made us what we are. I am just the cherry on the sundae! Not really part of the dessert - just the decoration at the end.
What I am much more proud of is the 2.4kgs I have lost in the last 2 weeks! Yay me! Thats all my hard work, and all my glory. No media for that one, but I did do a happy dance :)
What I am much more proud of is the 2.4kgs I have lost in the last 2 weeks! Yay me! Thats all my hard work, and all my glory. No media for that one, but I did do a happy dance :)
Sunday, September 9, 2012
honour roll
So ...so far these are the moments I am proud of this weekend...
- I sat with the angel while she ate hot chips, and I was hungry, and I didn't eat any - even when she lost interest and didn't finish them
- I bought the angel an ice cream after shopping, and it was lunch time, and I was hungry...and I didn't have anything
- I was tired, and sore, and hot...and I finally tried out my zumba wii game... after 6 months of procrastinating it.
- This weekend I almost always kept my patience with the little one, and I am getting better at positive parenting techniques...including getting her out of the pool and on our way home with no tears - and she really really wanted to stay and swim more.
- I bothered to make lasagne instead of throwing something quick together
- I crossed several things off tomorrow's to do list, things I had been procrastinating for some time.
- I helped out a friend
- I sat with the angel while she ate hot chips, and I was hungry, and I didn't eat any - even when she lost interest and didn't finish them
- I bought the angel an ice cream after shopping, and it was lunch time, and I was hungry...and I didn't have anything
- I was tired, and sore, and hot...and I finally tried out my zumba wii game... after 6 months of procrastinating it.
- This weekend I almost always kept my patience with the little one, and I am getting better at positive parenting techniques...including getting her out of the pool and on our way home with no tears - and she really really wanted to stay and swim more.
- I bothered to make lasagne instead of throwing something quick together
- I crossed several things off tomorrow's to do list, things I had been procrastinating for some time.
- I helped out a friend
I'm really doing it...
So I don't think I ever really believed that I would do it. I don't think I really thought that I had it in my to do the 12wbt at the moment. I wanted to - and I signed up... I think I thought the wanting to was worth the two hundred bucks - just so that I could feel like I was taking steps...
And I couldn't do the first week - so many reasons - but all too hard that week...
But here I am nearing the end of week two - week one and a half for me... and I am doing it! not only am I doing it, but I am loving it! I feel so happy to be actually focussing on me for a change... and I also have a real sense of achievement and power over this program. Unlike the rest of my life. I can't control my toddler's moods, her sleep, or her impact in my life. I love it, but I don't have any illusions that I am in control. She is her own little person and I just work with it. I can't control my work - I can do my best, but the loading of stuff on me that needs doing, the reluctance of some others to actually do what they need to be doing, the ever changing aid environment - so much is beyond my control and I actively practice letting go...
I can't control the birds eating my tomatoes, or the rain on washing day...
But I can control my weight loss. I have the tools. And I can do it.
I was out of control of my weight and my health, and now I have it back - and it feels good damn it!
But here I am nearing the end of week two - week one and a half for me... and I am doing it! not only am I doing it, but I am loving it! I feel so happy to be actually focussing on me for a change... and I also have a real sense of achievement and power over this program. Unlike the rest of my life. I can't control my toddler's moods, her sleep, or her impact in my life. I love it, but I don't have any illusions that I am in control. She is her own little person and I just work with it. I can't control my work - I can do my best, but the loading of stuff on me that needs doing, the reluctance of some others to actually do what they need to be doing, the ever changing aid environment - so much is beyond my control and I actively practice letting go...
I can't control the birds eating my tomatoes, or the rain on washing day...
But I can control my weight loss. I have the tools. And I can do it.
I was out of control of my weight and my health, and now I have it back - and it feels good damn it!
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Dora my fat away...
So yes, I am doing another round of 12wbt. Since I have been here I have been eating my stress away and I have some serious damage to undo. I'm doing really well with my diet. Its challenging but my motivation so far has been strong and clear. There has also been a radical improvement in my exercise - not perfect, not as it should be for the program - but I have gone from nothing to semi-regular workouts. I'm so pleased! And the almost 2kg I have lost is really making me happy :-)
Being a CEO, a single mum and living in a country where I don't have any family to call on for babysitting or support is challenging, and I know its not going to be easy. I can't get many of the foods and snacks I used to have, I don't have reliable babysitting to go to the gym, gluten free low fat food to buy when away from home is pretty much impossible... but I am going to do my very best anyway!
Today was a classic example of being inventive and flexible to get the outcomes... I had just started a zumba wii workout while the little one was napping and she woke up about 10 mins in. I could have given up at that point, but I didn't. For a while I convinced her to dance with me, but then she insistently wanted HER dancing wii game, so I completed the rest of a 40 min work out with the Dancing Dora wii game! I have to say, that chick has some moves and the steps were easier to follow! I did a little skipping outside while the little one had a dance on her own, and was ready to hit the painting when she got bored...satisfied that I had both had fun with her and lifted my heart rate for a while! (and I got three gold stars from Dora!).
Being a CEO, a single mum and living in a country where I don't have any family to call on for babysitting or support is challenging, and I know its not going to be easy. I can't get many of the foods and snacks I used to have, I don't have reliable babysitting to go to the gym, gluten free low fat food to buy when away from home is pretty much impossible... but I am going to do my very best anyway!
Today was a classic example of being inventive and flexible to get the outcomes... I had just started a zumba wii workout while the little one was napping and she woke up about 10 mins in. I could have given up at that point, but I didn't. For a while I convinced her to dance with me, but then she insistently wanted HER dancing wii game, so I completed the rest of a 40 min work out with the Dancing Dora wii game! I have to say, that chick has some moves and the steps were easier to follow! I did a little skipping outside while the little one had a dance on her own, and was ready to hit the painting when she got bored...satisfied that I had both had fun with her and lifted my heart rate for a while! (and I got three gold stars from Dora!).
The CEO and The President
Read one of the media examples here, if you feel so inclined... :
http://www.thejetnewspaper.com/subpages.php?ID=1799#.UEpoRI0gc6J
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
being healthy makes me happy??
I thought chocolate made me happy... I thought laying on the couch made me happy... I thought not thinking about being unhealthy made me happy...
Turns out I have been wrong. My readers may have picked up a melancholic theme to my blog in recent days. Today I experienced my first burst of happy hearted singing and dancing around the house in some months... Today I felt high on life. Today I actually felt really happy.
Turns out that being healthy actually makes me feel happy. For the last three days I have been eating clean and lean, I have started exercising, and I have lost 1 kg already. Today I did a big run at the gym to do my pre-diet fitness test (currently sitting on 9.35 mins to do 1km on the treadmill with a 5 incline). I also did a bunch of free weights while I was there (and the cute trainer doing weights in front of me didn't hurt).
After I finished I did feel nauseous for a while, but I knew it was just the lactic acid moving around my system.
And then, I felt like dancing...singing... laughing....
And then I felt truly happy.
Its a great start to putting myself and my health first again.
Turns out I have been wrong. My readers may have picked up a melancholic theme to my blog in recent days. Today I experienced my first burst of happy hearted singing and dancing around the house in some months... Today I felt high on life. Today I actually felt really happy.
Turns out that being healthy actually makes me feel happy. For the last three days I have been eating clean and lean, I have started exercising, and I have lost 1 kg already. Today I did a big run at the gym to do my pre-diet fitness test (currently sitting on 9.35 mins to do 1km on the treadmill with a 5 incline). I also did a bunch of free weights while I was there (and the cute trainer doing weights in front of me didn't hurt). After I finished I did feel nauseous for a while, but I knew it was just the lactic acid moving around my system.
And then, I felt like dancing...singing... laughing....
And then I felt truly happy.
Its a great start to putting myself and my health first again.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
the joys of public speaking
So tomorrow I have to stand in front of a crowd of media, big wig donors and stakeholders, colleagues and my staff and give a stupid speech. The speech isn't stupid but I am feeling somewhat petulant about it so be tolerant of me. Its quite a good speech, if I do say so myself...I was quite happy with how it came out. Now if only I could get someone else to read it I would be thrilled. I am not a limelight girl. At parties I hover in the kitchen. At events I stand back and applaud others. Somehow I agreed to be a CEO but I work closely with my team of managers - its never just about me. I hate the attention being on me. Yes I am an aquarian, a natural entertainer - but only if its not about me. I love other people's birthdays, but don't really love my own. You won't be surprised therefore to learn that I hate giving speeches.
So I am talking to myself and trying to remind myself that really, in the grand scheme of life, this is really not a big event. Its just a day, just two hours. There are people who are starving, people who are fighting wars, people who are losing their homes, and people who are dying. This really doesn't rate on the scale of importance. Perspective woman!
If I allow it to it could become an elephant in my head, filling all the spaces and trumpeting in my ear. But really - life is full of MUCH more important things than my little speech. It will be over before I know it, all I have to do is act confident and put on a show, and all will be fine.
Sigh.
Sod off elephant.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
investing!
At that time the work was doing a tour of the South Pacific, and it was not for sale. And I was a poor volunteer...
This week I went to an exhibition of local arts, and he was there, and I met him. And I was able to see his new paintings. Its a new style, a little different to the ones I saw 5 years ago, but still beautiful. And this time I am not a poor volunteer, I am a CEO....and this time I got to buy one.
I now own a Mason James Lee original and I love it. May it inspire me to fly high, stay pure and see the patterns of life with perspective.
let them eat vegies...
Rewards abound...
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
hotel room ramblings
So I am in a hotel room in Suva... after a looong day of bus trip and meetings, and I should be sleeping in preparation for tomorrow's very long day of meetings. I find myself in my days conducting myself in ways that I wouldn't have expected myself to be able to. I find myself confidently negotiating, planning, holding the big picture and strategising... how did I become this person? little old me?
But now I am tired, in a hotel room far from my little angel, working away at midnight... I miss my home, my veggie garden, my chickens, my child... Sometimes its hard to stay focussed on the people I am working to help and not get caught up in the game if it all... to take on the challenge for its own sake rather than with clear motivation for the people at the end of the process.
I'm going into a challenging meeting tomorrow and I am going to take that as my mantra - this is about the people, the women, the vulnerable... this is about how to best help them - not how to prove how good I am, how good my organisation is...
Keeping it real. Putting People First.
But now I am tired, in a hotel room far from my little angel, working away at midnight... I miss my home, my veggie garden, my chickens, my child... Sometimes its hard to stay focussed on the people I am working to help and not get caught up in the game if it all... to take on the challenge for its own sake rather than with clear motivation for the people at the end of the process.
I'm going into a challenging meeting tomorrow and I am going to take that as my mantra - this is about the people, the women, the vulnerable... this is about how to best help them - not how to prove how good I am, how good my organisation is...
Keeping it real. Putting People First.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
It politics, damn it, but I care...
So for most of my life I have avoided politics... I will admit - I have kind of taken it for granted that the basic moralities would be covered, and the rest, well - I am still in grief over when Howard was re-elected the first time and I think that day something in me broke and has never repaired. It was the day I gave up on democracy. I simply cannot fathom how the stupid greedy self-serving uneducated masses get to decide my future. So I have avoided it, I vote...but I try to stay out of really engaging in it. The Kevin11 election reawakened my optimism for a while, and then it was dashed on the rocks when that woman-who-is-an-insult-to-unmarried-women muscled her way in.
And now I have reached an all time low. I cannot understand how the greedy bastards can say "oh labour is making a mess of everything" and "oh we have some debt so its all labour's fault" and "me making money is the only priority" and overlook the reality that we are a remarkably strong financial position internationally, our dollar is stronger than ever, and we have somehow managed this while still supporting women and vulnerable people in our communities. So Queensland is the precurser of what is no doubt going to happen nationally - asshole bastards are dismantling all the basic services that support our most needy and vulnerable groups, they are slashing women's services, they are slashing jobs and attacking the people who have no money to fight back. They fund horse tracks and goat racing while defunding breast cancer and HIV services.
I am ashamed. I am so horrified each day as I read about more and more unthinkable realities coming to be. I am utterly and completely powerless but if nothing else, I have started to care again. At first I wanted to run away, live somewhere else, not be confronted by the evilness... now I am starting to want to fight, to rally, to protest... to at least be one small drop in the resistance.
You assholes... you are not the bloody boss of me! so there!
And now I have reached an all time low. I cannot understand how the greedy bastards can say "oh labour is making a mess of everything" and "oh we have some debt so its all labour's fault" and "me making money is the only priority" and overlook the reality that we are a remarkably strong financial position internationally, our dollar is stronger than ever, and we have somehow managed this while still supporting women and vulnerable people in our communities. So Queensland is the precurser of what is no doubt going to happen nationally - asshole bastards are dismantling all the basic services that support our most needy and vulnerable groups, they are slashing women's services, they are slashing jobs and attacking the people who have no money to fight back. They fund horse tracks and goat racing while defunding breast cancer and HIV services.
I am ashamed. I am so horrified each day as I read about more and more unthinkable realities coming to be. I am utterly and completely powerless but if nothing else, I have started to care again. At first I wanted to run away, live somewhere else, not be confronted by the evilness... now I am starting to want to fight, to rally, to protest... to at least be one small drop in the resistance.
You assholes... you are not the bloody boss of me! so there!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
welcome chicks!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
what did I do this week...
So its wednesday... and I pause to reflect on the week... what have I achieved this week?
Hmmm
A new 3.1 million dollar funding package for work to decrease gender based violence in Fiji...
A new partnership with save the children to provide specialist counselling services to kids who have been victims of sexual exploitation...
A new partnership with the National Council on Prevention of Suicide, and Fiji Police, to improve methods for targeting suicide prevention strategies to the people who need them most...
A new agreement to be the lead/convening agency of the working party to establish minimum standards and strategies for delivering mental health and psychosocial support in disasters.
A new agreement with Unicef to support our school based counselling programs
A new funding agreement to provide water filters to flood affected families
A new beginning to the total restructure of the way we are core funded over the next three years.
A new manager of counselling services
New branch managers for two of our branches
A new opportunity to work with one of the other major NGO's who have refused to communicate with us for years...
A new way of approaching the asia pacific sex work agency symposium we are hosting
Hmmm - and thats on top of the normal day to day work of being a CEO. Not too bad for a Monday and Tuesday...plus 8 hours of driving to and from Suva...
Oh and two new chickens and a new first cucumber in my garden!
No wonder I am a bit tired.
It must be the cucumber.
Hmmm
A new 3.1 million dollar funding package for work to decrease gender based violence in Fiji...
A new partnership with save the children to provide specialist counselling services to kids who have been victims of sexual exploitation...
A new partnership with the National Council on Prevention of Suicide, and Fiji Police, to improve methods for targeting suicide prevention strategies to the people who need them most...
A new agreement to be the lead/convening agency of the working party to establish minimum standards and strategies for delivering mental health and psychosocial support in disasters.
A new agreement with Unicef to support our school based counselling programs
A new funding agreement to provide water filters to flood affected families
A new beginning to the total restructure of the way we are core funded over the next three years.
A new manager of counselling services
New branch managers for two of our branches
A new opportunity to work with one of the other major NGO's who have refused to communicate with us for years...
A new way of approaching the asia pacific sex work agency symposium we are hosting
Hmmm - and thats on top of the normal day to day work of being a CEO. Not too bad for a Monday and Tuesday...plus 8 hours of driving to and from Suva...
Oh and two new chickens and a new first cucumber in my garden!
No wonder I am a bit tired.
It must be the cucumber.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
tired
So its been a busy and really tiring week... Its saturday night now and my working week is a long way from over. And the days are so full that sometimes it feels like being underwater, fighting to get to the surface for air and having to scrabble my way through layer after layer of seaweed. I never make it to the top.
Today a friend came to visit and I started to describe my day yesterday, the issues I was dealing with, the reasons I am tired today... and her eyes got wider and wider - wow...she, interrupted, you are dealing with a lot... "and thats just the first two hours of the day" I said.
Today a friend came to visit and I started to describe my day yesterday, the issues I was dealing with, the reasons I am tired today... and her eyes got wider and wider - wow...she, interrupted, you are dealing with a lot... "and thats just the first two hours of the day" I said.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
importance fatigue
So I do love a good challenge... and so let me preface this post by saying that behind any appearance of moaning I am actually still loving the momentous and life changing challenge that this job is delivering. BUT... I have importance fatigue. Everything is important... I get it... its all damn important...but sheesh - could it give a girl a break sometimes?? There is never a day when I don't have at least 5 urgent important things to attend do, and usually a lot more than 5. And as well as all the things that I think are important, I try to be mindful of the fact that every email I get is important to the sender, all the little issues that people bug about they are important to them. I might be tempted to ignore one, or more, because the issue is not on my importance radar - but having a positive, receptive, engaged and respectful organisational culture is...so I have to take it all as important. Sigh. I run, all day, trying to cover as much as I can, trying to work out which important thing is taking priority today, now, in the next hour....and I am tired. And I come home and my evenings and weekends are full of things that my little angel thinks are important - and so I have to be turned on her her too... and I am tired. And I know its all important but sometimes I don't want to care so much. And now I have a cold too...so tomorrow - I am calling in sick, I am going to stay in bed. And I know it won't help because the important things pile will be twice as big the next day - but I am going to stay in bed all day and get better. Because hey, thats important too.
the mirage of facebook
So I am feeling more and more disconnected from the people I have loved...from the friends I have left behind. I was pondering why this is, why I feel like I have dropped out of my old life and the space I used to occupy has closed around me... and I realised that one of the reasons is facebook. I am on facebook daily. It gives me a sense of connectedness to people I know, of being in touch with what is going on in their lives and in the world around me. But it is becoming clearer and clearer that it is an illusory intimacy...a fake closeness that leaves emptiness in its wake. Its like eating junk food when you are hungry, it fills you in the moment but leaves you unsatisfied. I realise I have 25 words or less snippets of people's lives, and I give them little fleeting snapshots of mine - but its not real closeness, its not actual communication.
So I am deciding to refocus on email and skype and texts - real person to person communication, real in the moment conversations. While I know it is important for me to be in the moment where I am, I don't want to be too estranged from the people I care about in my life. I miss my friends, I miss my people, I miss connectedness.
Friends - if you are reading this - I miss you... lets talk...
So I am deciding to refocus on email and skype and texts - real person to person communication, real in the moment conversations. While I know it is important for me to be in the moment where I am, I don't want to be too estranged from the people I care about in my life. I miss my friends, I miss my people, I miss connectedness.
Friends - if you are reading this - I miss you... lets talk...
better than jelly
So there are times when she drives me a bit nuts, of course... and then there are times like these :
Me : You have eaten all your dinner, thats great! Would you like a jelly or a snake for dessert? (her two very favourite things)
Her : Nothing mummy, I just want you, because I love you so much....(and throws her arms around me)
Ah it doesn't get much better than that.
(I gave her a jelly anyway)
:-)
Me : You have eaten all your dinner, thats great! Would you like a jelly or a snake for dessert? (her two very favourite things)
Her : Nothing mummy, I just want you, because I love you so much....(and throws her arms around me)
Ah it doesn't get much better than that.
(I gave her a jelly anyway)
:-)
Saturday, July 7, 2012
dinner tonight brought to you by....
I find my life somewhat bi-polar at the moment. My work life is full to the brim, stressful, go go go and needing to be switched on, thinking fast, being strategic, prioritising time and keeping many balls in the air at the same time. And then I come home at the end of the day and I have to switch. I have to also be efficient, multitasking, on the go and focused - but on totally different things. I have to watch where the sticky play dough ended up, be aware of the paint disaster about to happen, remember bin night, write a shopping list in my mind, remember to water the garden, feed the chicken, put the chicken to bed at night, put the child to bed at night, pack school lunches having remembered to buy food for school lunches....etc etc etc... sometimes I want to be lazy, take a break, just be irresponsible for a while... sometimes I do (and pay the price)... mostly I am just always tired and always compromising. Life at the moment is a constant juggle of never quite enough... not quite a good enough mum, CEO, housekeeper, gardener, friend... I live with the "undone" list echoing in the back of my head at all times. And I flip between personas and have to be the best I can be in every moment. Its exhausting.
But tonight I ate vegies that I grew... so I must be doing something right.
Friday, July 6, 2012
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