I'm HUGE...

Ok so I am really big... People no longer hesitate to ask how many months along I am... Shop assistants have started telling me their birth stories....
I most definitely look pregnant.
There will be no easing into this...
Two weeks ago I felt big....
Now I am HUGE....
and its only just beginning!
Arg!
(Loving it all the same :-) )







See - from the front I could almost look normal....








Ah but no... Not from the side!!



:-)

Ah my spunky little alien frog....

Yay!
So I went for the big 12 week scan.... at 13 weeks, but never mind... Its the one where they test for downs syndrome and other abnormalities... and NOW the do the spunky 3-d imaging too I discovered! (Ain't technology incredible!)
I have to admit that I was anxious before it. I wasn't really thinking much about the risk of abnormalities...I just wanted to hear the heart beat... After two and a half weeks of bleeding I was really looking forward to that bompa bompa bompa that would tell me that little olive was still popping along happily.
And YAY... the first moment that Associate Professor forgot-his-name-coz-nothing-else-mattered-other-than-my-baby touched the wand to my belly...there it was...bompa bompa bompa... and woop - there was my smile!! My lovely friend Katie who came with me was just as excited! Bompa Bompa Bompa! Its quite a sound!
And then the magic of technology showed my gorgeous wee froggie leaping and twisting and waving her arms and legs in gay abandon... "could you ask your child to sit still for a moment??" said Assoc Prof Baby Man... as he struggled to get a still shot... But the wee one seems to be fabulously excited with her own flexibility and energy... she's a future acrobat in the making! Finally we managed to get some semi clear images.... aren't they funky???

AND the good news is that ... In the words of both Assoc Prof and my own doctor... my test results were "very very very very very good"... it seems my bubba has less risk of downs syndrome than if I were a 15 year old! For my age my risk would have been 1:190... but after the measurements and bloodtests my risk has dropped to one of the lowest levels.... 1:2793... Yay!
So she is wonderfully active, perfectly average on every measurement, and fabulously healthy!
But WAIT...
There is more!
Did I want to know the sex? Mr Assoc Prof Good Stuff asks me as I beam blissfully at the plasma images... "OOOOHHH YES PLEASE!" (does a bear crap in the woods???)
Weeeeelll... he says.... see this bit here? "Mmhmmmm" I say (mental fingers crossed furiously as I see nothing but a white smudge on the screen).... well...don't go painting the nursery just yet, he pauses... but I would be around 80% sure its a girl.... YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.... I woop.
:-)
:-)
Trying not to get too excited (obviously) as it really was a bit early to tell for sure...
But YAY!
SO...
All is wonderful
All is joy
I am HUGE (I now officially look like a big pregnant woman...people keep asking me if I am having twins, but the 4 ultrasounds can't lie)
but I am exceedingly HAPPY...
Hope everyone catches a wee splash of the positive vibes I am sending out....
:-)

jig saw journeys

So we sat before the puzzle and it puzzled us...
We looked at all the pretty pieces with their lovely colours, and we knew that there was something beautiful in there... so we tried to fit them together... and we poked and we prodded... and at times it made us frustrated, and at times we stomped our feet and threw the pieces down... and at times we found little bits that fitted and we laughed with joy... and at times we grew sad when we couldn't find the picture they promised...
And then one day we quietly realised, each of us in our own way, that we were working on one table with two different jig saw sets.... each had our own gorgeous colours and shapes, but they made different pictures... trying to fit them into one was simply human error, not the fault of the jig saw puzzles themselves.
So we sat back and thought for a moment... and we stepped back from the table and looked at each other... and we held hands as we shared this knowledge. A tear or two fell as we both took one deep breath and let go. Finally we realised that our paths are connected but not one. Finally we let go of trying to make our pieces squish into one picture of the future. Finally we let go of the battle for control over the pieces and decided to focus on the bits that do fit.
And this time the sun shone brighter than ever, and the flowers continued to blossom brightly... and the individual pathways opened with bright possibility.
And we held each others hands in loving friendship... and we smiled.

So from the deepest and most honest and true parts of my heart I give my thanks to my Twinkle Blue Eyes... I thank her for teaching me to love my own pathway...to seek my own bright and happy jig saw puzzle picture... to each day rejoice in my own difference and my own strengths. And I thank her for teaching me deep respect and affection for her difference and her strengths.
And my heart fills with joyous excitement at a future of strong loving friendship, free of the pressure to fit our differences together. And I see happiness mirrored in her eyes, and I am happy.

And I set off down my pathway, skipping with the thrilling anticipation of what adventures will come next!

thought for the day

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think.
When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
- Buddha

atonement and appreciation

So its Yom kippur - Jewish day of atonement... a day of fasting, of giving up satisfying your own immediate wants and needs, and of recognising any wrongs you have done through the year, of feeling remorse for them, of apologising and seeking to right the wrongs where you can. Its a day, apparently, of taking reckoning of your karma for the year.
How wonderful... In some ways I think this is better than Christmas. In my mind Christmas is a time to stop and appreciate the people you love, and to give them a gesture of your affection. But of course it is rarely fully that in reality... but I hold onto the sentiment...
But in some ways I think that Yom Kippur could be even more meaningful. Imagine the benefit to relationships of recognising and apologising for past harms, of reaching out a hand in genuine understanding and reconciliation... imagine a community where, for a time, people genuinely acknowledged their faults and poor behaviours and sought to redress them... imagine a group of people really putting themselves in each others shoes... imagine the warmth that could be generated... no more energy crisis!

Thinking about this connects with my thoughts earlier today. I was watching the presidential debate at lunch time... and afterwards there came on an interview with singer Alicia Keys about her latest album. I listened as she talked about the song "like you'll never see me again", which is about acting every day, in each moment, as if this is the very last time you will ever see the other person. The song is romantic, of course, but the theme is universal. We take for granted that people will be around later, tomorrow, next week... and we don't fully appreciate them in the moment. I found it so inspiring to think about how I would change in my way of treating people if I held in my mind the thought that this might be the last time I ever see them. How different it would be! No more petty grumpiness reliant on the knowledge that we can make up for it later if we want to... No more taking people for granted, ignoring them for something else that seems more important in that moment but isn't really... No more reacting thoughtlessly and regretting it later....

When I was younger I pinned up a piece of paper next to my bed which said "today I might die"... (Actually I can't remember if I really did, or just thought about it a lot... but never mind...) The idea was that if you remember that this indeed could be your last day alive - how do you choose to spend it? Being grumpy, negative, complaining, feeling dissatisfied? Or looking around and cherishing every indescribably beautiful moment...seeking out the good and the happy and the joyous elements of every scene... looking beyond the buildings to the blue sky... loving the people around you, and letting them know it.... feeling grateful to be alive for one more day.... Of course the reality is that each day may indeed be our last - we have no way of knowing what cards we will be dealt, what karma awaits around each corner...
How different would life be if we lived this way every day?

"Like You'll Never See Me Again"

If I had no more time
No more time left to be here
Would you cherish what we had?
Was it everything that you were looking for?
If I couldn't feel your touch
And no longer were you with me
I'd be wishing you were here
To be everything that I'd be looking for
I don't wanna forget the present is a gift
And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me
'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed

So every time you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
Every time you touch me
Touch me like this is the last time
Promise that you'll love me
Love me like you'll never see me again

a brief thought on the miracle of life...

So as usual am procrastinating while supposed to be working... back to doing three jobs this month...but I love being under pressure it seems :-)

I have been slightly distracted by enjoying the debate that has flowed a little from the comments on "och life, whats it all about anyway"... now that's what I like to see! People being stimulated, commenting, debating, well a bit anyway... Life passes by so fast these days - Heavens I am already in the last week of my first trimester! I am thrilled by the chance blogging gives to take a moment to reflect a little, to think a little....

And on another level, at the risk of continuing to seem somewhat obsessed, I am still utterly blown away by the rediculous enormity of the insanely normal process of growing a child. On one level its so completely common, natural, normal... And on another level its outrageously incomprehensibly HUGE! In my belly a little person is coming into being.... my body, my cells, are feeding this child, are forming its parts... Its mind is coming alive as I type... its little fingers reach out to the world. It grows, moment by moment, into the person it will be in the world. The unfathomable miracle of life is silently happening inside me in each moment, as I eat, work, sleep (a lot), even as I pee (a lot). And a day will come when it will emmerge from my belly whole and complete... and take its place in the world - a thinking acting self determining human being...made from my cells, in my belly. How incredibly bizarre is that!!?? And I reflect for a moment on the fact that this process happens everyday, all around us, from tiny almost unnoticeable beings to huge and dominating creatures... And I am part of it all... Its awe-inspiring!

the art of not being right...

So apparently American Indians used to revere a special group of designated "contrary people" whose role was to do the opposite of what everyone else was doing, to remind tribe members that what they considered right and true was a simply relative concept...
How wonderful! Where do I join up??

still pregnant.... despite a bit of anxiety...

So this week was a bit of a scare... nothing like the sight of blood that shouldn't be there to get the ol ticker racing! My inner sensible voice kicked in of course... "its normal"... "all the books say its common"... "it doesn't mean anything bad"... but of course the inner paranoid hormonal freaked out pregnant woman screamed a lot more loudly in moments! I had started to cruise a bit, feel confident and secure and full of the vim of knowing that all the tests and scans had been perfect... and that I had so little sickness that I really had nothing much to complain about... This sure was a wake up call. Of course I called my obstetrition on a sunday while he was on his family holiday...I am sure he just luuuurves those calls! "Its common - rest" he said... "and besides which, there is nothing you can do except go to hospital if it gets really bad." (terribly reassuring...)
And by the fourth day when the red elixar of life was still mocking me I was feeling decidedly less than cheery. Inner sensible voice and inner screaming panic were having an all-in brawl... So I took myself off for accupuncture (spleen 1 to stop bleeding - rub just near the bottom outside corner of your big toe) and then to my chinese medical man...
I have previously found my chinese medical man hugely grounding and reassuring... but today he freaked me out completely by talking about the possible need to go into hospital to be monitored... and I have really learned to loath the term "viable"... a "viable" pregnancy means, of course, that the baby is still alive. So he sent me off for a scan to see if my pregnancy was still "viable" (sound effect - copious weeping of terrified hormonal pregnant woman).
So while drinking a litre of water and "holding on" in readiness for the ultrasound, which thankfully I managed to book for two hours later, I found time to have screaming spats with twinkle-eyes and my boss within the hour... great! nothing like easing gently into a stressful situation.
Thankfully my dear dear friend emerged from the deep bliss of 10 days of contemplating her abdominals in meditative pose and sent me a text...and then responded to my SOS by rushing over a dose of healing hand holding and gentle loving presence...
AND the scan showed a gorgeous delightful little "viable" bubba... heart pop pop popping away... little arms waving happily at the camera... leaping around like a jellybean on a sugar rush.... and once again - perfect size for her age... 3.8 cms now! Which is exactly the size a 10 week and 3 day old little bundle of love should be...
So despite being totally drained and having a new found respect for this whole pregnancy malarky... All is fine!
Yay!
And this week in olive land... we grow fingernails! Apparently olive is now starting to resemble an olive left too long behind the fridge as he starts to develop a delightful peach fuzz hair all over...The vital organs - liver, kidneys, intestines, brain, and lungs - are fully formed and functional, and the head is almost half the length of olive's no longer so olive-y body. Olive is apparently happily stretching her limbs, swallowing and kicking about - which I have seen for myself! The external sex organs are just starting to show... but I am told not to expect to be able to see much of them until at least the 16 week scan.
I'm starting to think more seriously about birth planning, midwives, nurseries and loving looking at pictures of prams and cots - though not ready to actually start buying anything yet. But I did get the most wonderful wonderful wonderful package from one of my oldest dear friends - she has recently had her second child and sent me a gorgeous feast of yummy little hats and bibs and jump suits and toys and shoes and sox and all sorts of baby delights!... and bits and bobs for me too...belly oil and bath scents and magazines and books... Ah friends... Love Ya!!

Communication

One of the things that I find hardest in life is the devastating effects of misunderstood communication... In my heart I really do deeply wish people happiness, and want to do all in my power to bring it to them. Knowing that people don't hear the messages of my heart... that they react to things that I do or say in a way that causes anger or distress rips my heart into shreds. I can tell you exactly all of the times that it has happened in my life - because each one is etched deeply into the fabric of my self. I carry these experiences like scars. In moments of reflection I get them out and ponder them anew...even some from more than 10 years ago... and I continue to try and learn from them.
One of my dilemmas is that I try so hard to take responsibility for anything I might do wrong or any ways that I might be misunderstood... and I apologise genuinely and profusely for this... but then what I am left with a sense of having taken all the blame...and there is no space left for my hurts and sense of being wronged by the other person... The result of this is sadly that people sometimes remain angry at me - feeling righteously confirmed in their belief that I have done them wrong... I struggle deeply with trying to balance being able to explain to people that the impression they have was not my intention... and not seeming to be denying them their feelings or being defensive.
In Buddhism we learn that our own pride and ego is our biggest cause of suffering...so I suppose it is better to be humble and to continue to try to live by my belief that "it is better to be kind than to be right". And if others then see me as the one in the wrong, well, I need to let go of the need to correct this. That is my pride talking. What matters most is that know in my heart that I mean people well, that I care, that I don't have the intention to hurt, and that I learn from the experience about how to try to do things differently in the future...