Letting go...
Letting be...
Letting it all unravel...
Recognising the limits of what I can do...
Redefining moment to moment the things I can't change...
Trying to focus on the things I can...
Putting up an emotional shield against mourning the things I can't...
Living with the irrationality of guilt, frustration, should/could do more...
Balancing self preservation with my enduring struggle to overcome injustice and "fix" the world....
Bemoaning my lack of omnipotence...
At the same time craving freedom...
Balancing the wish for release from the battle to change the things that need to be changed...
With the angst of giving up and walking away after giving my all...
I've been changed
I am different
This thing I leave is different
I leave a part of me here
Even as I lean towards the newness, next steps.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Saturday, July 6, 2013
The luck of the loss...
So I got burgled.
Worse than that, my home was invaded...
Worse than that, men were in my house, while I was getting my child ready for bed, and at any moment I could easily have stumbled upon them and put myself and my child in mortal danger.
I came home in the dark, late, after enjoying jumping castles and merry-go-rounds at the local festival.
I rushed in, dropped my bags, and focused on getting my sleepy angel into the bathroom to clean her teeth and off for a bed-time story.
I clearly didn't properly lock the door behind me.
At some point between bathroom and bedroom two men followed me into the house and took my bag. I think I was on the toilet, with the door open, at the time. India was running in and out. My mum was skyping on the iPad...
I heard a noise...but I didn't go into the lounge to check what it was.
Some time later, long after I had properly locked up, I realised my bag was gone.
In it were all the usual life necessities... Phone, camera, wallet... Plenty of personal bits and pieces of life stuff that I only realise is gone as I go looking for it...
I thought I was going crazy for a while... And then thankfully I checked "find my iPhone" and tracked my phone to the other side of town. That's when the truth sank in...
With "find my iPhone" I was able to direct the police, over Skype, to where my phone was and it was recovered. They arrested one man and the other is still on the run. The next day they found his bag with my camera in it.
The losses are annoying.
But more than that I am surrounded by the cloud of awareness of all that could have gone terribly terribly wrong... Of just how close we came to something very very bad.
I feel more fragile, more brittle than before.
I still feel incredibly lucky, but I do feel more aware of my vulnerability.
And my little one now wakes from a nap in fear that the bad man will come out of the bushes and come into the house and steal her.
I reassure her that she is safe and I cross my fingers that its true.
While it felt enormous and overwhelming at the time... I also know that nothing has really changed.
The nature of life as a female, as a solo mum of a daughter, is that we are utterly vulnerable to the whims of men's aggression. We lock our doors, we bar our windows, and we do what we can to keep our daughters safe...
But at the end of the day, it's most often pure luck that stands between safety and disaster.
Worse than that, my home was invaded...
Worse than that, men were in my house, while I was getting my child ready for bed, and at any moment I could easily have stumbled upon them and put myself and my child in mortal danger.
I came home in the dark, late, after enjoying jumping castles and merry-go-rounds at the local festival.
I rushed in, dropped my bags, and focused on getting my sleepy angel into the bathroom to clean her teeth and off for a bed-time story.
I clearly didn't properly lock the door behind me.
At some point between bathroom and bedroom two men followed me into the house and took my bag. I think I was on the toilet, with the door open, at the time. India was running in and out. My mum was skyping on the iPad...
I heard a noise...but I didn't go into the lounge to check what it was.
Some time later, long after I had properly locked up, I realised my bag was gone.
In it were all the usual life necessities... Phone, camera, wallet... Plenty of personal bits and pieces of life stuff that I only realise is gone as I go looking for it...
I thought I was going crazy for a while... And then thankfully I checked "find my iPhone" and tracked my phone to the other side of town. That's when the truth sank in...
With "find my iPhone" I was able to direct the police, over Skype, to where my phone was and it was recovered. They arrested one man and the other is still on the run. The next day they found his bag with my camera in it.
The losses are annoying.
But more than that I am surrounded by the cloud of awareness of all that could have gone terribly terribly wrong... Of just how close we came to something very very bad.
I feel more fragile, more brittle than before.
I still feel incredibly lucky, but I do feel more aware of my vulnerability.
And my little one now wakes from a nap in fear that the bad man will come out of the bushes and come into the house and steal her.
I reassure her that she is safe and I cross my fingers that its true.
While it felt enormous and overwhelming at the time... I also know that nothing has really changed.
The nature of life as a female, as a solo mum of a daughter, is that we are utterly vulnerable to the whims of men's aggression. We lock our doors, we bar our windows, and we do what we can to keep our daughters safe...
But at the end of the day, it's most often pure luck that stands between safety and disaster.
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