Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Huge-er and Huge-er!


I'm huge.
I know I said this a while ago... what was I thinking? NOW I really am HUGE... its hard to think that I have another 4 months to go! Apparently I am currently roughly the size I would be if an errant basketball decided to seek refuge under my t-shirt.
Can my belly stretch that much more?? Already I am losing my belly button. Soft sensitive skin that has not seen the light of day ever is now making an entrance to the world of my tummy....emerging from the depths day by day.
Yes, its a miracle. Yes its incredible... Yes I am so thrilled and excited... but I gotta say - I am starting to look forward to the day this little bundle of joy gets off my back and into the real world. Sleep is more and more uncomfortable. Sitting for longer than half an hour makes my back ache. Standing? well - see my previous entry "ode to sitting"... I am not really winging... well, ok I am a bit... I am no less happy but the excitement is now tinged with the reality of the discomfort of this strange miraculous total transformation of my once familiar body.
Amidst the rustle of christmas tinsel... Amidst the santas and ear-less reindeer... quietly another special day or two came upon us.
A birthday in the midst of the frivolity... a celebration of another year in the life of a special person... and not so far from it... a year since one eccentric, late, disorganised, FUNNY, generous and creative aquarian inadvertently became a christmas elf in the life of a FUNNY, kind, organised, generous, timely, responsible and perfectly respectable Capricorn...
Many miracles are celebrated as people gather beneath a glittery adorned tree... and this is one more for the stack of brightly wrapped hopes and surprises. Who would have thought it?

the joy of parents...


So as I enter this new phase of life... the new adventure of being a parent... I have plenty of evidence of the incredible shoes I have to follow in...
my wonderful parents have once again taken out a lifetime award for dedication to the role, above and beyond the call of duty... my dear home has now a resplendent new bathroom, is well on the way to a new sparkling kitchen, new french doors and windows linking balcony and interior living areas... and joy-of-joys... no more icky green carpet in the dining and lounge rooms.
Did it cost me a fortune? Did it take me weeks of sweat? Not me...
My dear parents have spent weeks slaving in the heat to help me nest and be comfortable.
May I always be as generous, self giving and all-round fabulous as my own role models... phew... its gonna be a task and a half!

a girlie kinda family christmas...





Christmas this year was also different because it started with a bang with the gathering of the girls... ah my dear inner circle aunties...
...with much feasting and merriment we celebrated not just the season of giving, but also the joy of friendship and marked a year of our little group... One of us was heard to comment "this is more like my real family christmas!" How wonderful to have lovely people around a table - people who have all chosen to be there... to share laughter and wear silly hats and give silly (and serious) gifts and eat way too much of course!
What a fabulous way to round off the year....

a merry little christmas...


Christmas this year was very different. Usually I spend Christmas being peaceful with my parents... all very grown up - champagne and mangos for breakfast, presents, a nice swim in the ocean... but this year has seen the introduction of little people in my life, and what a joyous introduction!
The countdown to Christmas day was no longer just counted in shopping days, but in pieces of advent calendar chocolate that marked one less day til Santa comes!! A fridge door letter to Santa with pictures of a mere selection of desirable toys added to the anticipation... and on the morning, well... 5:30am has never been so exciting!
And this year another wonderful new addition... presents appeared from under the towering tree labelled "to baby".... and baby was quietly excited with her little pj's and bibs... :-)
Oh how exciting to look forward to many years of little smiles, giggles, mountains of torn paper and the glee of shiny new toys :-)

an ode to sitting


I love to sit
to take the weight off my legs and feet is a joy and a bliss
like sucking the inside out of a lindt ball...
like a cool shower on a hot day
sitting...
I sit anywhere
paint tins, shelves, steps, beds, floors, gutters
I sit with pleasure

:-)

except in a 3 hour movie... way too much of a good thing, that last two chocolates too many...
so now I look forward to lying... mmmm the joy of being horizontal... mmmm

Sunday, December 14, 2008

sitting with ambivalence....
when I was young and impetuous life seemed black and white...
decisions were yes or no
indecision was excruciating - and had to be fixed
any decision was better than no decision
choices were there to be made, and then never looked back upon.
now as I grow, older and hopefully wiser...
I find that I am at once more decisive, and less decisive
I understand consequences more deeply
I have learned to look back with regret
I know that some things are no longer choices
I know that some things are just not clear
and I have learned about patience
its never easy, but it now has a place in my life
I sit with grey
so its growth, maturation
sometimes I miss the old days
So my daughter is now about the length of a ruler... she is 18cms from head to bottom, and when her long little legs are added... somehow the size of a ruler seems much bigger than just saying 30cms.... the numbers don't conjure up the same level of anxious excited awe as when I hold a ruler to my belly...
I love being pregnant... it is indeed the miraculous feeling I thought it would be... yet I still have many moments of abject terror as well... moments when it hits me - oh my heavens I AM GOING TO BE A MOTHER!! I am going to be one of THEM! I am going to have a little person who is dependant on me always and in every way.... My life will never be the same again!
I wonder how differently I would feel if I was doing this in a relationship - I guess that with a partner it might seem more like there would be someone else there to carry the slack if I was not up to it all the time... I think of my friends who are kind-of wanting children but not sure if they want to take it on... and I think of how sure I was, and am, that this is definitely what I want... and yet I am still have moments of such fear and doubt...
But then again - all great things come with fear and excitement as flip sides of the same coin... and I know that I am just one of the mothers of the world who have contemplated this miraculous journey with both joy and trepidation. And in the end I know firmly and deeply in my heart that it will all be ok...it will be hard and wonderful and lonely and thrilling and in the end... its life!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Shikibu

One thousand half loves
Must be foresaken
To follow one whole heart home.

Rumi

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

"You may not be able to control all of the things that happen to you in your life, but you can decide not to be reduced by them."

Dr Maya Angelou
Letter to my Daughter

Disappointment

So life is pretty good over-all... I am realising my dearest dreams... but at the same time I have a sense of fear of losing the other important things in my life... in particular, my career. I have worked hard for little recognition over the years... In the past I have not worried terribly about it, it always seemed like I had time to find my professional niche in the future. In the last year or so I have realised that actually... Its now or never. If I am going to find a sense of acknowledgement of the strong skills I have then I really need to start positioning myself now. This is important not just because I will get respect and reward, but because it will put me in a position of being able to work for change much more effectively.
Accordingly I went to work for Red Cross at a position lower than I should have... so that I could get a foot in the door with an organisation I respected and thought would be good for my CV and career development. My plan was to find my feet and then move into a more challenging role within the organisation. And in some ways this has appeared to be a good decision...there are more challenging positions within the organisation. Getting a chance at those positions however, has led to frustration and disappointment.
As an Aquarian I know that I have a rather well developed sense of fairness. Injustice and impropriety bug the hell out of me. People not following "proper" "fair" "equitable" processes really gets my goat up....
As a realist I come to terms, more and more, with the fact that life is just not fair sometimes, and the world just does people over. Its not just me... it happens everywhere... so I guess rather than focusing on disappointment when it happens, the only thing to do is to be happily surprised when it things are done well.
I am still astounded that many people who get paid lots of money to be professionally intelligent still so often manage to do such an poor job of it....

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

life goals...


My dear goals focussed friend will hate this... but it gave me a chuckle :-)



thanks to Letters, postcards, notes on the fridge

Almost half way!

So I am now almost half way through this incredible magical journey. I am finding the speed of time completely mind blowing... I had imagined that when I was finally pregnant the 9 months would seem to last forever... instead I find myself trying desperately to hang on to every precious moment... I am so excited to meet my daughter - but I am also loving this process of feeling her grow each day so much. I am starting to feel what I have imagined it is like to have a child and watch them grow - the incredible sense that they change and grow up every day and every moment is so precious and fleeting... one minute they are in nappies and the next they are arguing with you over wearing something waaaay too short and revealing!
Yesterday I had my second big 4-d ultrasound... technology is truly amazing... my mum and donor watched in similar awe as I while the doctor went through each and every organ in minute detail. My mum was shocked by the vivid realisation of how much can go wrong! Once upon a time a child just grew and popped out and you counted the fingers and toes and were relieved that all was well. Now I have seen the intimate workings of my child's bladder, kidneys, the individual valves of her heart, the specific sections of her brain, even her movements of her diaphragm... all in real time... and while her body is the size of my hand. Thankfully my child is indeed perfect in every way... :-) Her heart is strong and well developed, her brain plumping up nicely, her fingers and toes waving happily....
She is perfectly average in every way :-) except for one....
Word has gotten around at the ultrasound clinic... my child is a challenge to photograph... it seems she is extreeeemly active! In every ultrasound I have had the scanners have huffed in frustration at her constant movements... taking a clear photo requires a tricky quick finger! I am now duly warned that I have many sleepless nights ahead of me... it seems she is strong and independent and way too excited about life to lie still and let us just look at her peacefully. Of course there is no empirical evidence that this means she will be a get-about after she is born...but it seems a pretty consistent pattern is forming so far! Like me she seems to be of the opinion that the world is out there to be explored, and she is not wasting any time!
She is also, it seems, not destined to be a model :-) We tried hard to get some clear photos of her dear little face - but she was utterly determined to thwart us and plastered her hand firmly across her face.... "nope"...she said..."no portrait snaps - I don't got time...I got growing and kicking to do". The scanner tried jiggling my tummy, poking her firmly with the ultrasound wand...but No.... she refused to move her hand. She kicked back in rebellion but fingers remained firmly across nose and mouth....Occasionally she would lower her hand and stroke her chin thoughtfully... so I have a couple of bubba philosopher shots that are very lovely :-) I will scan and post them soon...
So it seems I have a very active and rather strong willed child to contend with....
(sigh)
Loving it of course... you go girl... I will cheer your every step - as long as you agree to do what I say at least MOST of the time... :-)
And finally my nervousness about her gender is put totally to rest. Once again it was very clear that she is indeed a girl.... The scanner confidently said "well, we never say we are 100% sure...but there is her vulva and her clitorus...so lets say we are 99% sure!".... (sorry sweetie, its so rude to be so exposed without a choice I know....)
And every day now I feel her move around more and more. As I sit here typing now she is poking me just below my belly button.... People tell me I will get sick of it eventually - but its totally thrilling at the moment!
Overall I am stunned by how incredibly fortunate I feel at the moment...

Sunday, November 23, 2008

No more dancing diva....

So before I was pregnant I blustered to the world and myself that having a child would not really change me so much... I was naively and vocally confident that I could carry on my life as usual... just with the addition of a little person to love :-)
And so in some ways this will be true ... but in many more fundamental ways I am shocked and surprised (this seems to be the theme of my pregnancy!) to discover that I am already changing...
This weekend it hit home more than ever... My dear friends suggested a trip to the pub for a chat, hang out, a drink or two...
Obviously I am not drinking at the moment, but still.... just the thought of going to a pub conjured up an immediate aversive instinct in me! I felt the need to clutch my belly protectively! The idea of being around alcohol and noise, and maybe even smoke made me want to run the other way...
Am I becoming a suburban mum?? Is it just a phase? Is it ok that I would much rather get up early and take a toddler to the park than go out boogying and letting loose? Will I rediscover my inner disco diva in time? Will I have a second or third youth some time in my future... or am I destined to be a soccer mum?? Will a cup of tea always look much more desirable than a cocktail? Or will I rediscover the lost joys of a mohito or two post-gestation...
Somehow my happiness seems much more inner, more peaceful, as I move through this incredible and fundamentally mind altering process....
And I surrender myself, as the only thing I can do, to the flow of change. It seems that despite my best intentions... my life is indeed utterly changing....
:-)
Its not so bad really :-)

Sobering Storms

So I have been working in the emergency services recovery centre for the storm damage in Brisbane... Its been crazy busy... and incredible to experience hands on the very personal sides of something that would otherwise be a vaguely interesting news item... Usually we can only have an intellectual sense of empathy... but sitting listening for hours to person after person describing their losses...feeling close hand the sense of frustration and powerlessness in the face of the destructive force of nature... this time the experience has been much more touching.
And today it was brought even closer to home. I have been incredibly lucky, and have been able to hold on to some of the natural sense of invincibility that most of us live with on a day to day basis....my house has been surrounded by suburbs of damage, but has remained untarnished and unaffected... I have not even lost power. But today we walked to the park at the bottom of my yard. Less than 100 meters from my house the storm had wrecked havoc.
Usually a thriving picnic area, filled with children's screams of happiness and the sizzle of bbq's... this sunday it was like a post-battle scene... too much mud even for a tumble weed in the echoing vista of uprooted trees, old couches, carpets, park benches and driftwood. All the kids toys were coated in mud, and the water had obviously risen to at least two meters above the ground, and around 4 meters above the usual creek level.
Its utterly humbling to think that it was all there on my doorstep, in its awsome and destructive power...

Sunday, November 16, 2008

singing her praises...





What a woman....
My dear new best friend was a wee bit concerned about how to fill all her spare hours when she finally agreed to take the christmas term off doing her MBA (because a full time high powered job, a 3 year old to raise and entertain, a large block of land to landscape, a social life and a lengthy list of life goals is clearly not enough to keep her busy...) So... I obligingly gave her a list of things she could do to help me out...I know... I'm all heart :-)
And the nastiest most evil job on the list? Tackling "down the bottom"... At the base of my terraced garden is "down the bottom"... the far reaches of uncharted territory...a land of jungle running free, lost dogs balls and who the hell knows what else. I have not touched it since I moved in... frankly...its scary down there. The dog disappears in there frequently - so far she has always come back, but always carrying a load of foliage and prickles as souvenirs of her travels.
And so it came to pass, that on the hottest day so far this year... my dear BF brought her tools and plunged in.
Its only just beginning... the whipper-snipper promptly fainted in pure terror and refused to come back to the party. But BF is firmly on my pedistal of admiration... :-)

One day I will say this to someone...
I am really looking forward to it :-)




thanks to postsecrets

wriggling and jiggling

Ok so I am huge... from now on that just goes without saying...
My belly is pleasantly rotund :-) If I could stay this size - clearly pregnant but not too unwieldy...I'd be really happy. Alas I know it is not to be...
And I have now hit a double D in the bra department and I just can't face the idea that I am going to get bigger...
So lets think about happier things :-)
So I am testing out a name for my daughter... Sahra Sophia Vichta. ALL COMMENTS WELCOME! It means Princess Wisdom....
And she is a sprightly young thing! She's jumping and turning and poking her bits out at all angles :-) Its still pretty gentle - she still has a bit of room in there to move at the moment...but every so often an avocado protrudes firmly from one area of my belly or another... just popping her head up to say hi! Its the strangest feeling... at once totally natural feeling and completely ridiculously bizarre....
Its all going so very very fast too... I have a sense of trying to hang on to each moment, as it slides so quickly past... trying to drink in all of the sensations... I have a feeling this is what I will feel like for many years to come, as she grows and changes so fast after she is born as well. Seems like there is nothing like being a mother to make you feel that life is lived at break neck speed and must be absorbed with all your might in every moment of every day!
Sahra is now 13 cms from the top of her head to her bum... its pretty big really once you imagine legs added on the end of that! No wonder my belly sticks out!

a vision of self care and change

My dear friend sent me a copy of this... she knew I would love it...

Nov. 5, 2008

Letter from Alice Walker to Obama

Dear Brother Obama,

You have no idea, really, of how profound this moment is for us. Us
being the black people of the Southern United States. You think you
know, because you are thoughtful, and you have studied our history.
But seeing you deliver the torch so many others before you carried,
year after year, decade after decade, century after century, only
to be struck down before igniting the flame of justice and of law,
is almost more than the heart can bear. And yet, this observation
is not intended to burden you, for you are of a different time,
and, indeed, because of all the relay runners before you, North
America is a different place. It is really only to say: Well done.
We knew, through all the generations, that you were with us, in us,
the best of the spirit of Africa and of the Americas. Knowing this,
that you would actually appear, someday, was part of our strength.
Seeing you take your rightful place, based solely on your wisdom,
stamina and character, is a balm for the weary warriors of hope,
previously only sung about.

I would advise you to remember that you did not create the disaster
that the world is experiencing, and you alone are not responsible
for bringing the world back to balance. A primary responsibility
that you do have, however, is to cultivate happiness in your own
life. To make a schedule that permits sufficient time of rest and
play with your gorgeous wife and lovely daughters. And so on. One
gathers that your family is large. We are used to seeing men in the
White House soon become juiceless and as white-haired as the
building; we notice their wives and children looking strained and
stressed. They soon have smiles so lacking in joy that they remind
us of scissors. This is no way to lead. Nor does your family
deserve this fate. One way of thinking about all this is: It is so
bad now that there is no excuse not to relax. From your happy,
relaxed state, you can model real success, which is all that so
many people in the world really want. They may buy endless cars and
houses and furs and gobble up all the attention and space they can
manage, or barely manage, but this is because it is not yet clear
to them that success is truly an inside job. That it is within the
reach of almost everyone.

I would further advise you not to take on other people's enemies.
Most damage that others do to us is out of fear , humiliation and
pain. Those feelings occur in all of us, not just in those of us
who profess a certain religious or racial devotion. We must learn
actually not to have enemies, but only confused adversaries who are
ourselves in disguise. It is understood by all that you are
commander in chief of the United States and are sworn to protect
our beloved country; this we understand, completely. However, as my
mother used to say, quoting a Bible with which I often fought,
"hate the sin, but love the sinner." There must be no more crushing
of whole communities, no more torture, no more dehumanizing as a
means of ruling a people's spirit. This has already happened to
people of color, poor people, women, children. We see where this
leads, where it has led.

A good model of how to "work with the enemy" internally is
presented by the Dalai Lama, in his endless caretaking of his soul
as he confronts the Chinese government that invaded Tibet. Because,
finally, it is the soul that must be preserved, if one is to remain
a credible leader. All else might be lost; but when the soul dies,
the connection to earth, to peoples, to animals, to rivers, to
mountain ranges, purple and majestic, also dies. And your smile,
with which we watch you do gracious battle with unjust
characterizations, distortions and lies, is that expression of
healthy self-worth, spirit and soul, that, kept happy and free and
relaxed, can find an answering smile in all of us, lighting our
way, and brightening the world.

"We are the ones we have been waiting for."

In Peace and Joy,
Alice Walker

what is family?


So I have been thinking for a while about the future of society's relationships... you know, as one does... :-)
They say "as an Aquarian thinks so the world will think in 50 years"... and I have a sense that they world is starting to think differently about relationships.
I have a view of the future that is outside of our past boxes. I sense a movement away from traditional dynamics, routines and patterns... and towards people creating "families" and "relationships" in forms that suit them and their situations. I know that this is not a new idea - its been happening all around us for many years... but recently the awareness has been become more acute to me.
As people become more mobile, love is no longer a picket fence dream. As people become more open to options, love is no longer a traditional "marriage". People are creating odd shaped, bumpy, lumpy, stretched and ultimately workable family units that look vastly different to the mom/pop 2.5 kids jelly mould of former days. Christmases are spent with step parents, half siblings, adopted cousins and same sex aunties. Births are celebrated with surrogate families of all shapes and colours. People are opening the paint jars of "traditional relationships" and freeing themselves to mix a whole new palette.
Its exciting! Despite some moments of frustration, eg the recent reversal of californian marriage laws, I do think that our social rules are evolving. I think of my dear friends... one who is in love with a partner in another country...and ok with that...one who happily celebrated her second anniversary of non-cohabiting domestic bliss... and I rejoice in the throwing out of the old rule books. I think people have historically made their own paths quietly and flown under the radar...but what was once radical eventually becomes mainstream. Recently a friend told me she was getting married...and my honest response (after congratulations of course) was "why?" She wasn't really sure... but it seemed like a nice thing to do... traditional rules are now choices.
I am so happy to think that people will become happier and more accepting of themselves and others as they loosen up to the idea of creativity in making love work for them in their own way. I am so happy to think that I too might find my own way of loving and being a part of a family that works, without having to question whether it is "proper" or "the way things should be done".
So on I stride on my path...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Fragments of thoughts on love...

So I was going through some old email drafts today... clearing out my boxes....and I found one that I had written late at night to a past love. And this paragraph seemed too good to waste.... It stands true today as I consider my path ahead. I know what I am looking for.



"I know exactly what I want. I want to feel loved, unconditionally, unequivocally, from the tip of my nose to the tip of my toes... to the moon and back. And I want to love someone with all my heart, for all of their strengths and their vulnerabilities, without doubt, without fear, without complication and "what ifs" and "maybe". And I would compromise pretty much anything else to feel that and to have that in my life. So if you can love me - wholly and completely, irrationally, forsaking all else for love, for all my imperfections that make me perfect, with all that you have in your heart.... If you can find it in you to be that person who just loves me... well, then I will love you madly and totally, loyally and deeply, joyfully standing by your side in life despite all and through all.

At the end of the day its really quite simple actually."

Monday, November 3, 2008

Today my dear friend posted a blog about being goal driven and thriving on the competition of life... seeking to get the most out of life rather than "slowing down to enjoy the moment..."
And I responded... and it made me think...
Here is my response...

In my humble view... in seeking balance one does not need to slow down and do less, one needs to make careful choices about which goals take priority at which points in time. (I'm sure you agree...) Balance and well-being are, I think, NOT about doing LESS to make space to enjoy the moment (doing less does not necessarily lead to enjoyment, rather boredom and laziness)... but it is, I think, about being consciously aware of the choices one makes in each moment, being mentally fully present, and checking that they are the choices that are most likely to bring long term happiness...rather than simply being busy being busy.... if that makes sense... Being driven is fabulous if you are deeply sure that you know and like where you are going...and I think it is this that leads some people astray... Not you of course :-)...

And a few thoughts came to mind...
One is that so many of our successes in life are measured by external achievements... Where as I think that my own goals in life are much more internal than some others. My most important goals include such things as :
- "overcoming the impulse to react in anger when people do things I don't agree with...."
- "being able to be fully conscious of owning my own contribution to relationships and communication so that I am more in control of how I affect other people"....
- "being able to take a position of kindness as a default, rather than reacting with small mindedness and self concern..."
- "being able to consistently put myself in other people's shoes and understand their perspectives..."
and many more... (including saving the world of course)
However one of my goals clashes slightly...
- I strive to be worthy of respect from others....
and this is very important to me. It saddens me therefore that broader society conditions people so strongly to value goals and success by external, visible, measures. Yesterday I read a column in the paper by a woman bemoaning the reality that, despite feeling wonderfully successful in her professional and personal life, the one thing she received constant accolades for, from everyone she knew, was the enzyme disorder produced loss of 10kg. Everywhere she went people clapped her on the back and praised her richly for becoming a size 8. Its a sad state of affairs.... And I reflect back on the resentment that simmered quietly inside during the years that I dated a body builder. Everywhere we went her muscles and competition performances were the toast of the party... yet the ground breaking program I wrote for recovering addicts - yes, it barely raised a social eyebrow... My simple goals of being a good person, helping the vulnerable in society... they take just as much commitment, hours of hard work, diligence and determination, self sacrifice etc etc...yet they are relatively inconsequential on the social success scales. If I chose to instead put my energy instead into making money and having a socially desireable body... why, the admiration would flow! I would represent that most respected of people, the thin and rich.
So it seems to me that I could be the next Mother Theresa - but if I am overweight and poor... who's gonna admire me? A few "bleeding hearts".... those that took the time to notice...in between the long hours of working on their own unrecognised, unapplauded goals...
Ah its a tough world to save...
I guess I just need to be very selective about who's opinions and respect I take notice of....

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I'm HUGE...

Ok so I am really big... People no longer hesitate to ask how many months along I am... Shop assistants have started telling me their birth stories....
I most definitely look pregnant.
There will be no easing into this...
Two weeks ago I felt big....
Now I am HUGE....
and its only just beginning!
Arg!
(Loving it all the same :-) )







See - from the front I could almost look normal....








Ah but no... Not from the side!!



:-)

Ah my spunky little alien frog....



Yay!
So I went for the big 12 week scan.... at 13 weeks, but never mind... Its the one where they test for downs syndrome and other abnormalities... and NOW the do the spunky 3-d imaging too I discovered! (Ain't technology incredible!)
I have to admit that I was anxious before it. I wasn't really thinking much about the risk of abnormalities...I just wanted to hear the heart beat... After two and a half weeks of bleeding I was really looking forward to that bompa bompa bompa that would tell me that little olive was still popping along happily.
And YAY... the first moment that Associate Professor forgot-his-name-coz-nothing-else-mattered-other-than-my-baby touched the wand to my belly...there it was...bompa bompa bompa... and woop - there was my smile!! My lovely friend Katie who came with me was just as excited! Bompa Bompa Bompa! Its quite a sound!
And then the magic of technology showed my gorgeous wee froggie leaping and twisting and waving her arms and legs in gay abandon... "could you ask your child to sit still for a moment??" said Assoc Prof Baby Man... as he struggled to get a still shot... But the wee one seems to be fabulously excited with her own flexibility and energy... she's a future acrobat in the making! Finally we managed to get some semi clear images.... aren't they funky???

AND the good news is that ... In the words of both Assoc Prof and my own doctor... my test results were "very very very very very good"... it seems my bubba has less risk of downs syndrome than if I were a 15 year old! For my age my risk would have been 1:190... but after the measurements and bloodtests my risk has dropped to one of the lowest levels.... 1:2793... Yay!
So she is wonderfully active, perfectly average on every measurement, and fabulously healthy!
But WAIT...
There is more!
Did I want to know the sex? Mr Assoc Prof Good Stuff asks me as I beam blissfully at the plasma images... "OOOOHHH YES PLEASE!" (does a bear crap in the woods???)
Weeeeelll... he says.... see this bit here? "Mmhmmmm" I say (mental fingers crossed furiously as I see nothing but a white smudge on the screen).... well...don't go painting the nursery just yet, he pauses... but I would be around 80% sure its a girl.... YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.... I woop.
:-)
:-)
Trying not to get too excited (obviously) as it really was a bit early to tell for sure...
But YAY!
SO...
All is wonderful
All is joy
I am HUGE (I now officially look like a big pregnant woman...people keep asking me if I am having twins, but the 4 ultrasounds can't lie)
but I am exceedingly HAPPY...
Hope everyone catches a wee splash of the positive vibes I am sending out....
:-)

Thursday, October 16, 2008

jig saw journeys


So we sat before the puzzle and it puzzled us...
We looked at all the pretty pieces with their lovely colours, and we knew that there was something beautiful in there... so we tried to fit them together... and we poked and we prodded... and at times it made us frustrated, and at times we stomped our feet and threw the pieces down... and at times we found little bits that fitted and we laughed with joy... and at times we grew sad when we couldn't find the picture they promised...
And then one day we quietly realised, each of us in our own way, that we were working on one table with two different jig saw sets.... each had our own gorgeous colours and shapes, but they made different pictures... trying to fit them into one was simply human error, not the fault of the jig saw puzzles themselves.
So we sat back and thought for a moment... and we stepped back from the table and looked at each other... and we held hands as we shared this knowledge. A tear or two fell as we both took one deep breath and let go. Finally we realised that our paths are connected but not one. Finally we let go of trying to make our pieces squish into one picture of the future. Finally we let go of the battle for control over the pieces and decided to focus on the bits that do fit.
And this time the sun shone brighter than ever, and the flowers continued to blossom brightly... and the individual pathways opened with bright possibility.
And we held each others hands in loving friendship... and we smiled.

So from the deepest and most honest and true parts of my heart I give my thanks to my Twinkle Blue Eyes... I thank her for teaching me to love my own pathway...to seek my own bright and happy jig saw puzzle picture... to each day rejoice in my own difference and my own strengths. And I thank her for teaching me deep respect and affection for her difference and her strengths.
And my heart fills with joyous excitement at a future of strong loving friendship, free of the pressure to fit our differences together. And I see happiness mirrored in her eyes, and I am happy.

And I set off down my pathway, skipping with the thrilling anticipation of what adventures will come next!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

thought for the day


We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think.
When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
- Buddha

atonement and appreciation

So its Yom kippur - Jewish day of atonement... a day of fasting, of giving up satisfying your own immediate wants and needs, and of recognising any wrongs you have done through the year, of feeling remorse for them, of apologising and seeking to right the wrongs where you can. Its a day, apparently, of taking reckoning of your karma for the year.
How wonderful... In some ways I think this is better than Christmas. In my mind Christmas is a time to stop and appreciate the people you love, and to give them a gesture of your affection. But of course it is rarely fully that in reality... but I hold onto the sentiment...
But in some ways I think that Yom Kippur could be even more meaningful. Imagine the benefit to relationships of recognising and apologising for past harms, of reaching out a hand in genuine understanding and reconciliation... imagine a community where, for a time, people genuinely acknowledged their faults and poor behaviours and sought to redress them... imagine a group of people really putting themselves in each others shoes... imagine the warmth that could be generated... no more energy crisis!

Thinking about this connects with my thoughts earlier today. I was watching the presidential debate at lunch time... and afterwards there came on an interview with singer Alicia Keys about her latest album. I listened as she talked about the song "like you'll never see me again", which is about acting every day, in each moment, as if this is the very last time you will ever see the other person. The song is romantic, of course, but the theme is universal. We take for granted that people will be around later, tomorrow, next week... and we don't fully appreciate them in the moment. I found it so inspiring to think about how I would change in my way of treating people if I held in my mind the thought that this might be the last time I ever see them. How different it would be! No more petty grumpiness reliant on the knowledge that we can make up for it later if we want to... No more taking people for granted, ignoring them for something else that seems more important in that moment but isn't really... No more reacting thoughtlessly and regretting it later....

When I was younger I pinned up a piece of paper next to my bed which said "today I might die"... (Actually I can't remember if I really did, or just thought about it a lot... but never mind...) The idea was that if you remember that this indeed could be your last day alive - how do you choose to spend it? Being grumpy, negative, complaining, feeling dissatisfied? Or looking around and cherishing every indescribably beautiful moment...seeking out the good and the happy and the joyous elements of every scene... looking beyond the buildings to the blue sky... loving the people around you, and letting them know it.... feeling grateful to be alive for one more day.... Of course the reality is that each day may indeed be our last - we have no way of knowing what cards we will be dealt, what karma awaits around each corner...
How different would life be if we lived this way every day?

"Like You'll Never See Me Again"

If I had no more time
No more time left to be here
Would you cherish what we had?
Was it everything that you were looking for?

If I couldn't feel your touch
And no longer were you with me
I'd be wishing you were here
To be everything that I'd be looking for
I don't wanna forget the present is a gift
And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me
'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed

So every time you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
Every time you touch me
Touch me like this is the last time
Promise that you'll love me
Love me like you'll never see me again

a brief thought on the miracle of life...

So as usual am procrastinating while supposed to be working... back to doing three jobs this month...but I love being under pressure it seems :-)

I have been slightly distracted by enjoying the debate that has flowed a little from the comments on "och life, whats it all about anyway"... now that's what I like to see! People being stimulated, commenting, debating, well a bit anyway... Life passes by so fast these days - Heavens I am already in the last week of my first trimester! I am thrilled by the chance blogging gives to take a moment to reflect a little, to think a little....

And on another level, at the risk of continuing to seem somewhat obsessed, I am still utterly blown away by the rediculous enormity of the insanely normal process of growing a child. On one level its so completely common, natural, normal... And on another level its outrageously incomprehensibly HUGE! In my belly a little person is coming into being.... my body, my cells, are feeding this child, are forming its parts... Its mind is coming alive as I type... its little fingers reach out to the world. It grows, moment by moment, into the person it will be in the world. The unfathomable miracle of life is silently happening inside me in each moment, as I eat, work, sleep (a lot), even as I pee (a lot). And a day will come when it will emmerge from my belly whole and complete... and take its place in the world - a thinking acting self determining human being...made from my cells, in my belly. How incredibly bizarre is that!!?? And I reflect for a moment on the fact that this process happens everyday, all around us, from tiny almost unnoticeable beings to huge and dominating creatures... And I am part of it all... Its awe-inspiring!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

the art of not being right...


So apparently American Indians used to revere a special group of designated "contrary people" whose role was to do the opposite of what everyone else was doing, to remind tribe members that what they considered right and true was a simply relative concept...
How wonderful! Where do I join up??

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

still pregnant.... despite a bit of anxiety...

So this week was a bit of a scare... nothing like the sight of blood that shouldn't be there to get the ol ticker racing! My inner sensible voice kicked in of course... "its normal"... "all the books say its common"... "it doesn't mean anything bad"... but of course the inner paranoid hormonal freaked out pregnant woman screamed a lot more loudly in moments! I had started to cruise a bit, feel confident and secure and full of the vim of knowing that all the tests and scans had been perfect... and that I had so little sickness that I really had nothing much to complain about... This sure was a wake up call. Of course I called my obstetrition on a sunday while he was on his family holiday...I am sure he just luuuurves those calls! "Its common - rest" he said... "and besides which, there is nothing you can do except go to hospital if it gets really bad." (terribly reassuring...)
And by the fourth day when the red elixar of life was still mocking me I was feeling decidedly less than cheery. Inner sensible voice and inner screaming panic were having an all-in brawl... So I took myself off for accupuncture (spleen 1 to stop bleeding - rub just near the bottom outside corner of your big toe) and then to my chinese medical man...
I have previously found my chinese medical man hugely grounding and reassuring... but today he freaked me out completely by talking about the possible need to go into hospital to be monitored... and I have really learned to loath the term "viable"... a "viable" pregnancy means, of course, that the baby is still alive. So he sent me off for a scan to see if my pregnancy was still "viable" (sound effect - copious weeping of terrified hormonal pregnant woman).
So while drinking a litre of water and "holding on" in readiness for the ultrasound, which thankfully I managed to book for two hours later, I found time to have screaming spats with twinkle-eyes and my boss within the hour... great! nothing like easing gently into a stressful situation.
Thankfully my dear dear friend emerged from the deep bliss of 10 days of contemplating her abdominals in meditative pose and sent me a text...and then responded to my SOS by rushing over a dose of healing hand holding and gentle loving presence...
AND the scan showed a gorgeous delightful little "viable" bubba... heart pop pop popping away... little arms waving happily at the camera... leaping around like a jellybean on a sugar rush.... and once again - perfect size for her age... 3.8 cms now! Which is exactly the size a 10 week and 3 day old little bundle of love should be...
So despite being totally drained and having a new found respect for this whole pregnancy malarky... All is fine!
Yay!
And this week in olive land... we grow fingernails! Apparently olive is now starting to resemble an olive left too long behind the fridge as he starts to develop a delightful peach fuzz hair all over...The vital organs - liver, kidneys, intestines, brain, and lungs - are fully formed and functional, and the head is almost half the length of olive's no longer so olive-y body. Olive is apparently happily stretching her limbs, swallowing and kicking about - which I have seen for myself! The external sex organs are just starting to show... but I am told not to expect to be able to see much of them until at least the 16 week scan.
I'm starting to think more seriously about birth planning, midwives, nurseries and loving looking at pictures of prams and cots - though not ready to actually start buying anything yet. But I did get the most wonderful wonderful wonderful package from one of my oldest dear friends - she has recently had her second child and sent me a gorgeous feast of yummy little hats and bibs and jump suits and toys and shoes and sox and all sorts of baby delights!... and bits and bobs for me too...belly oil and bath scents and magazines and books... Ah friends... Love Ya!!

Communication

One of the things that I find hardest in life is the devastating effects of misunderstood communication... In my heart I really do deeply wish people happiness, and want to do all in my power to bring it to them. Knowing that people don't hear the messages of my heart... that they react to things that I do or say in a way that causes anger or distress rips my heart into shreds. I can tell you exactly all of the times that it has happened in my life - because each one is etched deeply into the fabric of my self. I carry these experiences like scars. In moments of reflection I get them out and ponder them anew...even some from more than 10 years ago... and I continue to try and learn from them.
One of my dilemmas is that I try so hard to take responsibility for anything I might do wrong or any ways that I might be misunderstood... and I apologise genuinely and profusely for this... but then what I am left with a sense of having taken all the blame...and there is no space left for my hurts and sense of being wronged by the other person... The result of this is sadly that people sometimes remain angry at me - feeling righteously confirmed in their belief that I have done them wrong... I struggle deeply with trying to balance being able to explain to people that the impression they have was not my intention... and not seeming to be denying them their feelings or being defensive.
In Buddhism we learn that our own pride and ego is our biggest cause of suffering...so I suppose it is better to be humble and to continue to try to live by my belief that "it is better to be kind than to be right". And if others then see me as the one in the wrong, well, I need to let go of the need to correct this. That is my pride talking. What matters most is that know in my heart that I mean people well, that I care, that I don't have the intention to hurt, and that I learn from the experience about how to try to do things differently in the future...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

dancing baby...


Ok so the pictures are not so impressive... but today's scan was thrilling! Not only did I hear the boom boom boom of the babies heart out loud... Not only could we see fingers and feet and arms and the head and even a knee... But wee bubba danced for me! After I had looked at the first images the doc suddenly turned the screen towards me and said "look!"... and there the wee groover was, turned to face me... heart patta-pattering in the middle of its chest... arms going up and down and legs following along... how amayzing... 2.88 cms long and already with a funky sense of rythym! Thats my olive! :-)