cReflecting on capable... I realize that I spend a lot of energy trying to fit the standards and expectations of others... And not enough on being appreciative of myself the way I am.... I have a lot of great qualities... I'm generous, kind, creative, interesting, adventurous, warm, funny, patient, a great cook, a great friend and a wonderful mother... I have an open heart and mind, I am sincere, honest and courageous. I can laugh at myself and own my own stuff and take responsibility for myself. I'm smart and I learn new things fast. I have great ideas and communicate really well. I have a good sense of perspective on life, am non-judgmental and very likable. I can be wise and perceptive, and courageously honest with myself and others. These are just some of the great things about me.
Yes, my super is a mess, yes, my budgeting skills leave a bit to be desired, yes I have too much clutter in my house, and I'm a bit disorganized in some areas of life... Yes, my life goals are a bit unfocussed because I am still not really fixed on specific priorities and strategies to meet them... But I'm very capable of being a really lovely person... And that I appreciate.
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Sick again... Booo

We've had a much better run for a while... But a cold has conquered the angel today... Boohoo baby...

Decisions

So I have two major decisions to make.
1. Will I try to have a second child?
2. Will I take the wonderful job I have been offered in Fiji... and go for 2.5 years.
I have been agonising over these decisions. They are interlinked because I would not consider moving to Fiji if I decided to try and have another child.  So I need to decide the first one before I can start to answer the second.

Capable

So I have realised that some of the people closest to me don't see me as very capable.  I understand... I don't always see myself as very capable.  I am going to change this.  I am sticking to my 12 week program... I am going to reach my goal of losing 10kg.  I am going to focus on being more capable, determined, successful in general.
I'll show them and show myself.

Day 3 of 84

So its day three of the 12 week body transformation program and I am going strong.   I have eaten 850 calories the first day, and 1050 calories the second day, and I am on track for another low day today... I know is lower than the recommended 1200 calories per day but decided that I wanted to launch an ambush on the blubber body and go in hard.  If I can adjust my appetite and energy levels to manage on this then sitting around and up to 1200 will be easier going forward.  I also wanted to have a sense of achievement and hit the scales hard in the first week...
So I am being disciplined with eating... but I knew that exercise would be the stickier issue... and on Day 1 I did not manage any exercise...the angel slept in, it rained, I was tired blah blah... excuses got in the way.  Day 2 however dawned differently and I made the effort to check the new improved local gym and see what deals the new owners were offering... and lo!  it was fabulous!  Suits me to a tee... no commitment, no contract, pay by the week and cancel any time..and only $10 a week. I love it!  Suits my commitment phobia to the ground...And they have set up 30 minute intensive workout programs around the gym...guided by firm voices and beeping machines the gym itself pushes you through a "go hard and fast" workout... for 30 minutes!  Awesome!  Just my style of working out... no time to get bored, and hey, I can do anything for 30 minutes....No classes and no childcare...but it is right near the child care centre and so I really don't have any excuses on Monday, Tuesdays and Wednesday...I just need to set my alarm, get up early and make sure I drop Indi off 45 minutes early, train hard and fast, change and head into work.... or alternatively leave work early and train before I pick her up... so now added to the assorted toys and kid snacks in the back of my car will be a bag of gym clothes ready to go...
So I am very pleased to report that I have trained both day 2 and day 3... good hard fast 30 minute workouts... and the scales are loving me.  2kg lost in two days... now they are my kind of numbers!  I am not expecting the scales to be so kind on a regular basis... we have a long love hate history to overcome... but I;m off to a running start.
So.... overcoming resistance, overcoming laziness, overcoming excuses.  I feel good, am already looking rosy cheeked and alive, and I am feeling positive and motivated.  Go me!

Occupation : baby

Every man, woman and child must complete an immigration declaration... They let me sign for her though...

Happiness is....

my brave little fish...

Its amazing to watch... not yet 2 years old and my brave little angel has merrily been teaching herself to swim.  There is a fine line between brave and over-confident, and I fear she has crossed it many times, but so far I have managed to pull her up for air each time before she passes out.  She just loves to dive head first into the water and swim!  Fortunately the little mermaid has learned to very effectively hold her breath under water.  Unfortunately she is only just starting to learn how to get her head up out of the water to take another breath.... Fortunately she has quickly gotten the idea of kicking and paddling her arms...Unfortunately she prefers to swim alone and deliberately and swiftly moves away from the helpful arms of adults to try her moves.    She's a handful, no doubt about it, but thankfully she is also smart, capable and confident.  I guess I can't ask for a lot more!

My big girl!

So my angel becomes more and more independent everyday... Despite a persistent stubborn refusal to aim for the potty, she is none-the-less very proud of her ability to put on her own shoes :)

12wbt

So my readers will know my struggle with my weight, and my ongoing search for some way of overcoming my resistence to commiting to a course of action that will make me feel good about myself.  Recently an old friend recommended the 12wbt program - Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation program.  And I like the sound of it.  Firstly it allows for adaption to a gluten free diet, which most of the popular diet programs neglect.  Secondly it is a program that I would be doing together with an on-line community, starting together and ending together - so there can be no postponing, taking a week off or do-overs.  Thirdly it is a completely prescribed program of diet and exercise, down to shopping lists.... so there is no thinking for me to do, only following instructions.  Those who know me will be chuckling, since I am the one who never follows a recipe, and demonstrates a clearly discernible pattern of resistence to authority and doing what I am told.  In this area however, I admit defeat. I need help and I need to hand over control to a higher power. I do know all about  methods to lose weight, in theory, I just don't know how to lose weight.  So I start this program with Michelle's pre-season tasks.  I have identified my goals, monthly, 3 monthly, 6 monthly and 12 monthly.  I have also acknowledged my habitual excuses, written them down, and thought up solutions or rational combatants for the excuses.  I have paid my dollars for the program, and I have made a commitment - in front of a loved one - and on-line in the forum - to making this time different.  This time I will start and finish this program.  This time I will not allow myself to continue to feel like a failure.  This makes me feel exceedingly anxious.  I have tried and failed so many times in the past that it feels impossible to imagine being different, easy to want it, hard to see it in reality.  But I think the only way I stand a chance is one day at a time.  I think I need to avoid thinking about the end goal, or about the bigger commmitments involved.  I need to think that one day at a time I will simply put one foot in front off the other and keep to the program for that day.  And if I do slip up I need to get right back on the next day instead of slipping into failure.  So today I make a commitment to today and tomorrow.  Tomorrow I am going to work, and I will not eat any chocolate or lollies all day.  Working in emergency services has been disasterous for my health.  Well meaning types have filled our work space with chocolate and lollies.  And I cannot stop at one.   And like a drug addict I have to have more.... and now I am the heaviest I have every been.  I need to learn to say no - no to others, and no to my own inner tempting voice... No.  I will not eat any sugary treats tomorrow.  None.
I will report back on how I go!

Hidden paradise....

So I am embarrassed to admit it, but I am too excited not to share it... I have discovered that there is a stunning national park, gorgeous cafe, beautiful picnic areas, scenic drive in mountain coolness, all a mere puttle from my home! Said lovely national park has been on my list of places to see for years, but I kept putting it off because it seemed a journey requiring time and planning and well, time... (which is a somewhat rare commodity around here...) but when I finally took the leap I am thrilled to discover it starts only 15 mins from my house! Sometimes it is our own minds that make things seem much harder than they really are... :)