Keeping up my end...

So it's Wednesday...day three of my "finding my fitness groove" self challenge... And I am thrilled to say that inner determination and self commitment, my old friends, have popped in to visit. I'm working on convincing them to stay a while, move in, unpack...
Three days, three work outs, 150 push ups, calorie controlled diet and no alcohol or chocolate...
Sore but happy...
Yay me.

shrinking media wench

So in the last two weeks I have been on the evening news twice, on the paper 4 times, and done a live Radio Australia interview...  and there is more media coming.   I know, I know... autographs available on request :) Don't worry - I am working on getting smaller in my thongs, not too big for them :)  While I am thrilled for the organisation that we are getting so much great media coverage at the moment - I know its not about me.  Its about the hundreds of people, past and present, who have made us what we are.  I am just the cherry on the sundae!  Not really part of the dessert - just the decoration at the end.
What I am much more proud of is the 2.4kgs I have lost in the last 2 weeks!  Yay me!  Thats all my hard work, and all my glory.  No media for that one, but I did do a happy dance :)

honour roll

So ...so far these are the moments I am proud of this weekend...
- I sat with the angel while she ate hot chips, and I was hungry, and I didn't eat any - even when she lost interest and didn't finish them
- I bought the angel an ice cream after shopping, and it was lunch time, and I was hungry...and I didn't have anything
- I was tired, and sore, and hot...and I finally tried out my zumba wii game... after 6 months of procrastinating it.
- This weekend I almost always kept my patience with the little one, and I am getting better at positive parenting techniques...including getting her out of the pool and on our way home with no tears - and she really really wanted to stay and swim more.
- I bothered to make lasagne instead of throwing something quick together
- I crossed several things off tomorrow's to do list, things I had been procrastinating for some time.
- I helped out a friend

I'm really doing it...

So I don't think I ever really believed that I would do it.  I don't think I really thought that I had it in my to do the 12wbt at the moment.  I wanted to - and I signed up... I think I thought the wanting to was worth the two hundred bucks - just so that I could feel like I was taking steps...

And I couldn't do the first week - so many reasons - but all too hard that week...
But here I am nearing the end of week two - week one and a half for me... and I am doing it!  not only am I doing it, but I am loving it!  I feel so happy to be actually focussing on me for a change... and I also have a real sense of achievement and power over this program.  Unlike the rest of my life.  I can't control my toddler's moods, her sleep, or her impact in my life.  I love it, but I don't have any illusions that I am in control.  She is her own little person and I just work with it.  I can't control my work - I can do my best, but the loading of stuff on me that needs doing, the reluctance of some others to actually do what they need to be doing, the ever changing aid environment - so much is beyond my control and I actively practice letting go...
I can't control the birds eating my tomatoes, or the rain on washing day...
But I can control my weight loss.  I have the tools.  And I can do it.
I was out of control of my weight and my health, and now I have it back - and it feels good damn it!

Dora my fat away...

So yes, I am doing another round of 12wbt.  Since I have been here I have been eating my stress away and I have some serious damage to undo.  I'm doing really well with my diet.  Its challenging but my motivation so far has been strong and clear.  There has also been a radical improvement in my exercise - not perfect, not as it should be for the program - but I have gone from nothing to semi-regular workouts.  I'm so pleased!  And the almost 2kg I have lost is really making me happy :-)
Being a CEO, a single mum and living in a country where I don't have any family to call on for babysitting or support is challenging, and I know its not going to be easy.  I can't get many of the foods and snacks I used to have, I don't have reliable babysitting to go to the gym, gluten free low fat food to buy when away from home is pretty much impossible... but I am going to do my very best anyway!
Today was a classic example of being inventive and flexible to get the outcomes... I had just started a zumba wii workout while the little one was napping and she woke up about 10 mins in.  I could have given up at that point, but I didn't.  For a while I convinced her to dance with me, but then she insistently wanted HER dancing wii game, so I completed the rest of a 40 min work out with the Dancing Dora wii game!  I have to say, that chick has some moves and the steps were easier to follow!  I did a little skipping outside while the little one had a dance on her own, and was ready to hit the painting when she got bored...satisfied that I had both had fun with her and lifted my heart rate for a while!  (and I got three gold stars from Dora!).

being healthy makes me happy??

I thought chocolate made me happy... I thought laying on the couch made me happy... I thought not thinking about being unhealthy made me happy...
Turns out I have been wrong.  My readers may have picked up a melancholic theme to my blog in recent days.  Today I experienced my first burst of happy hearted singing and dancing around the house in some months... Today I felt high on life.  Today I actually felt really happy.
Turns out that being healthy actually makes me feel happy.  For the last three days I have been eating clean and lean, I have started exercising, and I have lost 1 kg already.  Today I did a big run at the gym to do my pre-diet fitness test (currently sitting on 9.35 mins to do 1km on the treadmill with a 5 incline).  I also did a bunch of free weights while I was there (and the cute trainer doing weights in front of me didn't hurt).
After I finished I did feel nauseous for a while, but I knew it was just the lactic acid moving around my system.
And then, I felt like dancing...singing... laughing....
And then I felt truly happy.
Its a great start to putting myself and my health first again.

counting down the days

So I am mere days away from my third and final round of the 12wbt.  And sheesh, I ain't looking forward to it.  Yes I want the results... I need to lose another 8-10 kg to feel really really HOT.  And I really would like to feel really really HOT in a bikini on the beach in tropical paradise.  Not sure who I will be impressing... but there is always that HOT chick in the mirror to check out.
I know these diets are supposed to be a permanent life change... not just a short term weight loss fix.  And absolutely - a lot of things have changed for me in a way that is not just a 12 week whirlwind romance relationship with change.  I have actually started to want to go to the gym and zumba and stuff without jumping at any excuse not to.  I definitely trust that it makes me feel good... and that is a big attitudinal shift.  I am also much more aware of portion sizes and daily calorie intake amounts, even if I don't always stick to it.  But as for the program being a permanent way of life... not likely.  I am afraid that I am still in the mindset of wanting to dive headfirst into a cheesecake as soon as the 12 weeks are up.  And I am still in the unfortunate mindset of "making the most of it" between rounds of the program.
Thus, I have put on 2 kg between each round of the program.  So I lost 8, put on 2, lost 5, put on 1.5... meaning I sit here 9.5 kg lighter - but having done the hard yards to lose 13kg!  Bugger!
So I am going to give it another red hot shot.  I am not really sure that I want to... not really sure where I am going to dig out the motivation... and not really sure that my love affair with chocolate that has blossomed in the last few weeks is really ready for the graveyard.
I'm giving up so much at the moment - packing up my house, giving away my things, leaving my ex-lover behind, leaving my job, leaving friends and family, leaving my routines and my parks and my cafes and my whole relatively happy little lifestyle... I seriously have to break up with my mate freddo too??
Sheesh

A slippery slope

So its week 11 of my 12 week weight loss challenge.  I feel both proud and disappointed.  I have lost an incredible 8kg... which feels so wonderful and I am so incredibly pleased with myself.  I put on clothes, and they fit.  I dress once, without having to change 4 times to find something that doesn't make me feel enormous.  I look in the mirror and I like what I see...
At the same time I am also disappointed that I have stalled.  My challenge is now to move to the next level of loss, out of my current wardrobe and into the small clothes I have packed away.  Its been too easy to rest on my laurels now.  I have lost focus and I want it back.
I have two weeks of this 12 week round to go and I recommit myself to getting and staying on track.  I then maintain myself for a few weeks, and will start a second 12 week program at the end of May. My overall goal is to lose 15kg... which will see me under 60 kg for the first time since my early 20's.
Its a hugely challenging goal and one that I already find myself doubting my capacity to achieve.  It will require an incredible amount of physical effort, but more than that is the mental work involved.  My mental image of myself is about where I am now.  I let go of the hope of ever being smaller than this again, and I am not really sure how I will get my head around it or what it will mean for me.
One thing I am sure of, having learnt it from experience... it will be achieved through consistency, with humility and not thinking I know better than the program, and by focusing on one kilo at a time.
One step at a time, up the slippery slope...

Last night I wore my jeans...

Last night I went out for a drink.
I wore my jeans - the tight ones, the ones I haven't been able to wear since I bought them two years ago... the ones that look hot.
I wore my black and red top, the one that I have had for years and love, the one that has hung in the wardrobe forlornly for years because I couldnt' fit into it but I didn't have the heart to part with it.
I walked into a bar, a trendy bar, and I realise now, this morning, that not once did I wonder whether people were looking with disdain at the short fat chick.  I realise not once did I feel apologetic towards my partner being seen out with me.  I realise that not once did I sit awkwardly, adjusting to cover up or minimise my tummy, boobs, flab.
It feels fantastic.
I feel proud.

Parts of shrinking me

So I vacillate between thrilled, scared and quietly determined.  I have now lost 6kg in 5.5 weeks.  I have never done anything like this before.  Previously I had set myself the goal of 1kg per month, and failed at that.  Now I am steadily cracking 1kg per week.
My shrinking self is subdivided into lots of paradoxically diverse parts.  Part of me doesn't believe its really true (I was starting to believe I would just be chubby forever).
Part of me is so f-ing loudly proud of myself.
Part of me is quietly self satisfied.
Part of me is utterly focused and determined to move mountains (literally).
Part of me is slightly terrified at the reality of actually achieving this previously unfathomable goal (12kg in 12 weeks).  What will it mean for me if I actually do this?  Will I mean I need to stop limiting myself?  That I need to start living up to the knowledge that I can actually do things when I set my mind to them?  (many of my dear friends would say that they had known this all along and point to my list of achievements, but I tend to focus more on the things I haven't done and form my self-image around them... then again, my to do list has well over 100 things on it so I accept that I may not have realism as one of my strengths... then again I do believe in setting the bar high and surprising yourself... I mean, look at me now... and thus ends a ridiculously long set of bracketed ramblings).
Part of me is tempted to self sabotage (to get back to what I was actually saying)
Part of me is confident that this time I am really changing, both mentally and physically, and I want to hold on to it so hard that my knuckles turn white.
Part of me is well, slightly numb.
Another part is kind of hungry, but it is lunchtime.

Day 3 of 84

So its day three of the 12 week body transformation program and I am going strong.   I have eaten 850 calories the first day, and 1050 calories the second day, and I am on track for another low day today... I know is lower than the recommended 1200 calories per day but decided that I wanted to launch an ambush on the blubber body and go in hard.  If I can adjust my appetite and energy levels to manage on this then sitting around and up to 1200 will be easier going forward.  I also wanted to have a sense of achievement and hit the scales hard in the first week...
So I am being disciplined with eating... but I knew that exercise would be the stickier issue... and on Day 1 I did not manage any exercise...the angel slept in, it rained, I was tired blah blah... excuses got in the way.  Day 2 however dawned differently and I made the effort to check the new improved local gym and see what deals the new owners were offering... and lo!  it was fabulous!  Suits me to a tee... no commitment, no contract, pay by the week and cancel any time..and only $10 a week. I love it!  Suits my commitment phobia to the ground...And they have set up 30 minute intensive workout programs around the gym...guided by firm voices and beeping machines the gym itself pushes you through a "go hard and fast" workout... for 30 minutes!  Awesome!  Just my style of working out... no time to get bored, and hey, I can do anything for 30 minutes....No classes and no childcare...but it is right near the child care centre and so I really don't have any excuses on Monday, Tuesdays and Wednesday...I just need to set my alarm, get up early and make sure I drop Indi off 45 minutes early, train hard and fast, change and head into work.... or alternatively leave work early and train before I pick her up... so now added to the assorted toys and kid snacks in the back of my car will be a bag of gym clothes ready to go...
So I am very pleased to report that I have trained both day 2 and day 3... good hard fast 30 minute workouts... and the scales are loving me.  2kg lost in two days... now they are my kind of numbers!  I am not expecting the scales to be so kind on a regular basis... we have a long love hate history to overcome... but I;m off to a running start.
So.... overcoming resistance, overcoming laziness, overcoming excuses.  I feel good, am already looking rosy cheeked and alive, and I am feeling positive and motivated.  Go me!

12wbt

So my readers will know my struggle with my weight, and my ongoing search for some way of overcoming my resistence to commiting to a course of action that will make me feel good about myself.  Recently an old friend recommended the 12wbt program - Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation program.  And I like the sound of it.  Firstly it allows for adaption to a gluten free diet, which most of the popular diet programs neglect.  Secondly it is a program that I would be doing together with an on-line community, starting together and ending together - so there can be no postponing, taking a week off or do-overs.  Thirdly it is a completely prescribed program of diet and exercise, down to shopping lists.... so there is no thinking for me to do, only following instructions.  Those who know me will be chuckling, since I am the one who never follows a recipe, and demonstrates a clearly discernible pattern of resistence to authority and doing what I am told.  In this area however, I admit defeat. I need help and I need to hand over control to a higher power. I do know all about  methods to lose weight, in theory, I just don't know how to lose weight.  So I start this program with Michelle's pre-season tasks.  I have identified my goals, monthly, 3 monthly, 6 monthly and 12 monthly.  I have also acknowledged my habitual excuses, written them down, and thought up solutions or rational combatants for the excuses.  I have paid my dollars for the program, and I have made a commitment - in front of a loved one - and on-line in the forum - to making this time different.  This time I will start and finish this program.  This time I will not allow myself to continue to feel like a failure.  This makes me feel exceedingly anxious.  I have tried and failed so many times in the past that it feels impossible to imagine being different, easy to want it, hard to see it in reality.  But I think the only way I stand a chance is one day at a time.  I think I need to avoid thinking about the end goal, or about the bigger commmitments involved.  I need to think that one day at a time I will simply put one foot in front off the other and keep to the program for that day.  And if I do slip up I need to get right back on the next day instead of slipping into failure.  So today I make a commitment to today and tomorrow.  Tomorrow I am going to work, and I will not eat any chocolate or lollies all day.  Working in emergency services has been disasterous for my health.  Well meaning types have filled our work space with chocolate and lollies.  And I cannot stop at one.   And like a drug addict I have to have more.... and now I am the heaviest I have every been.  I need to learn to say no - no to others, and no to my own inner tempting voice... No.  I will not eat any sugary treats tomorrow.  None.
I will report back on how I go!