the world is full of water

so we are surrounded by water... falling endlessly, I wonder how the sky can hold such an amount and continue to drop it relentlessly.  Thankfully we are some of the lucky ones and our home is not submerged, we are only without power.  But we are more than lucky, we are privileged and wealthy, and we can escape to the local hotel and their generator and avoid the suffering reality of all around us.  While many have lost their homes, livelihoods and cherished few possessions, again, we bemoan the minor inconveniences of cold showers and kids who want to watch DVD's and don't understand why the On button doesn't work.  We have food, we have money and we are dry.  Blessed are we and may we stay this way!

the moods of an angel...

dark days indeed

So today the christian right wing achieved political power in my home state. I feel so incredibly sick and sad as I watch the progressive world I thought I lived in be over taken by forces of hate masquerading as religion.  I thought that as we evolved as a culture we would develop into a more aware, more accepting, less judgemental, more kind species.   I thought it was there was a law of inexorable growth of wisdom.  But I was wrong.  I look around the world and I see humanity going backwards at a rate of knots.  I see hard won freedoms being taken away, I see acceptance withdrawn, I see people embracing hate and turning away from equality.  It distresses me greatly, makes me feel powerless, makes me want to search for a pocket where I can be protected and yet it also makes me want to fight. 
The worst part is that it is making me so angry - and I don't want to become like them... I don't want to be infected by hate... and yet to sit here and take it - to be told that I am an abomination, that my beautiful child is an abomination, abused by me for being created by me - it makes me sick in my stomach and I want to scream and shout at them... but I won't let them make me like them... I won't allow their hate to infect me - that is the only control I can hold on to in these dark days indeed.
In the country I live in at the moment people keep inviting me to come to their churches.  I politely decline... "Its not for me" I politely respond.  What I want to say it something more along the lines of :
"No, I will not come to your church.  I will not sit in a room and smile and play nice with people who believe that I am an abomination - people who would self-righteously condemn my beautiful child to eternity in hell for the perceived sins of her mother.  I will not sit with people who believe that my act of creating that perfect miracle child was an act of abuse of she who I love and protect with my life.  I will not put myself in a room with people who worship a book which is filled with hatred and judgement and down-right weird-ass-shit.  I will not accept that you can disregard the parts of that book which you find inconvenient as you cut your hair, eat your prawns and do your gardening on a Sunday afternoon, but that you will hold onto a line which condemns my family and I to a life of being treated as though we are less than human.  I will not accept the lies you tell when you say that God loves all his children, when you say you live by his words, but you add your own subtext (except the gay ones).  
When your church stands up for not just the equal rights of all, but the equal value of all in the world - regardless of gender, age, race, sexuality, ability or any other defining factor other than the goodness of their hearts and the kindness of their actions, then I would consider coming to one of your services.  When your church respects me I may learn to respect it.  You let me know when that happens and invite me then.  Until then I would like you to look me in the face and tell me that I am evil, that your church is right and I am wrong... you tell me to my face that I am going to burn in the fires of hell for eternity for practicing love, compassion, openness and acceptance of everyone - including my lover.  Look me in the face and tell me I should embrace a church which practices hate, perpetuates fear and promotes judgementalism.  Look me in the face and tell me I am wrong"
Thats what I want to say....

Now I know what I am worth...

Humbling child quote for today...

As she zips up her little suitcase and heads for the door she says...

"Bye mummy, I am going to the airport to get the airplane... Bye-bye and thanks for getting the money mummy"..

letting go, letting suffer

so yes, I am somewhat protective of my angel... I am a single parent, and I am her world.  Whilst she has a higher level of verbal ability than many teenagers, I keep reminding myself that she is only 2.  That she is three in a couple of weeks is something I am yet to come to terms with, but in the meantime, I keep telling myself that she is only little and this whole moving countries business is a lot for a little person to deal with.  I wrap my life around her and my perception of her needs in an effort to cushion her, to protect her from anything except joy... As a single parent now living in a foreign country with little support and a demanding full time job, that approach is proving tricky.  Plagued by guilt if she so much as whimpers, I have convinced myself that, having dragged her away from home and security, its my job now to make it as wonderful an experience as I can and ensure that she does not suffer at all for my decision.
This is not working so well for me.
At the same time as she is undoubtably my own personal world - outside our door there is a big world that also needs some attention.  Yesterday a good friend called and gave me a pep talk and I appreciate it.  She reminded me that my angel has a really good life over all... compared to the vast majority of children in the world she is truly blessed.   She can have no doubt that she is deeply loved, she is abundantly cared for, nurtured in all possible ways, and provided with an endless supply of stimulating entertainment.  She rarely has to complain because she almost always is provided with pleasurable experiences.
So in the context of that - its ok for me to disappoint her sometimes.  Sometimes she wants to stay home and play and I need to go to work.  Its ok for her to be upset and annoyed - thats life afterall.  I am often upset and annoyed that I have to go to work instead of relaxing at home - but I have learned that in life, we don't always get what we want, and rewards require sacrifice.  This is what I need to teach her also.  I don't need to feel guilty for letting her down and not meeting her immediate desires.   When I drop her at day care and walk away hearing her cry behind me  I am not being a cruel abandoning mum, I am giving her an opportunity to learn independence.  When I teach her that she is not my only priority I am helping her understand that the world does not revolve around her.  When I push her into new challenging situations I am building her resilience, her strength, and her courage.
Its ok for me to stop entirely protecting her from discomfort.  I need to refocus - moving away from keeping her "happy" all  the time... and towards keeping her healthy and safe, even if she disagrees with my decisions and voices her discontent at times.
In my job now I am doing really important meaningful work.  She does not understand this, but in time she will.  My work requires me to travel, to be available for longer hours than in past roles, to balance my home and work life with more care and less emotive prioritising.  Indi is going to have to cope with this or I may as well resign myself to a life of nurturing her at the cost of my own goals in life, and probably producing a fragile, inflexible, tyrannical child who expects to be at the center of the world around her.
So I convince myself to be brave, to face my guilt head on, to prioritise the big picture, and to deal with it - just as I want her to learn to do.

what we think we become...

What we think we become... I have been repeating those words to myself when I feel overwhelmed and start to slide into the spiral of negative thinking that leads me into the "I can't do this" place.  I am following my dream and I know I am in the right place... I do know that in my guts... and I knew it would be hard work and that I would have to really push myself to achieve my potential.  That is one of the reason I really wanted to do this adventure.  And so I am not surprised that it is hard... that I am finding myself struggling... I am hampered by several things...I hate going to bed early and my angel is waking with the sun at 5:30am - so I am constantly tired.  When I am tired by normally poor short term memory becomes a liability.  And thirdly - I am really much more interested in playing with my child and doing enjoyable things than in working.  This has not always been the case for me - before having a child I was very committed and really enjoyed working hard.  Now not so much... I am also used to working 3 days a week and so jumping up to a full time position is reminding me how much I love weekends and evenings to myself ie not doing the work I need to do to really get on top of this new challenge and stop treading water and bluffing my way through.
As we think we become... I need to start shaping my attitude and approach by setting my intention clearly, and using my thoughts to motivate instead of undermine...
Phew.
Tomorrow...

the lows and the highs...

So today I was tired... I was hot... The novelty of this CEO business is wearing off to reveal a lot of really hard work that I have to actually do... I'm in a foreign country without any support or help... and today the child really started to bug me... she threw tantrums in the shops, she hid from me in the supermarket, she demanded treats, she ran into people with her mini shopping cart, she grabbed things from the shelves and refused to put them back, she refused to get in her car seat, she argued about everrrrryyyyttthhhing... and yes, mummy got cranky... picture me standing in the supermarket in a country famed for deep christian values and for loving children, gripping a recalcitrant wrist and fuming "Jesus Christ Child, you are driving me mad!"  I don't think it went down well...

But then this evening as I was putting her to bed I was so tired that I lay down with her for a while... and she was deeply concerned... "Mummy, are you tired?" and started stroking my face gently... and then she threw her arms around me and nuzzled in and exclaimed "Mummy, I love you!... You are my best friend"... and went on to repeat that, interspersed with more cuddles and gentle strokes, about a dozen times... What a treat to end the day with - better than chocolate!

My little angel heading off to the swimming pool... where did my baby disappear to?
So it seems that I, once again, underestimated this incredible child.  I thought that uprooting her from all she had ever known, sticking all our stuff on a plane, unloading her in a strange house, in a strange country, sending her to a strange new school and surrounding her with unfamiliar faces and languages and lifestyles...well I thought that might just cause her some concern.
It seems I was wrong.  Not only have her legs grown, longer and browner, so too has her mind.  Rather than retreating into regression or rebellion, my angel has blossomed... she has lapped up the stimulation and matured into a ridiculously sensible, capable and even more charming child.
She has coped with cherished grandma leaving with hardly a murmur, she understands that she had to go home on the airplane to look after papa.  She has taken ownership of her room and leads people by the hand to see her new furnishings.  People are surprised when she knows the names of all her colours - little do they know the complexity she shows behind the scenes.
The examples are numerous but one I recall today...
I have wanted a nanny - being protective under-estimating mum I anticipated a challenge leaving her for the first time with a stranger - especially one who looked different and spoke differently.
So I explained that we were going to meet some ladies who would come and play with her while mummy did some work... I simply said she should tell me if she would like to play with them.   I'm not foolish enough to assume I could make a decision like this!
She met the first one... engaged with her immediately, tested out her painting skills and then took her hand and walked with her to buy an ice cream.  She approved.
Then it was time to meet the second one the next day.  She refused to get dressed.
"I don't want to put my pants on"
Why?  I asked...
"Because I am feeling nervous"  (how does a 2 year old know what nervous means??)
"Why are you nervous?  I asked... "Is it about the lady coming"
"Yes... because I think that I just want to play with O"  (the first lady)...
Ah ....
So clearly the choice was made... she dutifully spent an hour educating the second contender on the methods of bird feeding and play dough squeezing... but her heart wasn't in it.
I think it helped that contender 1 is named after a certain favoured cartoon piggy.
And no, she is not called Peppa, thankfully, or I think I would be facing the world's youngest self-emancipation and adoption motion.