Little angel is finding her voice... no longer the merry chirping little bird...she has learned to voice her discontent in no uncertain terms!

thoughts on being a mother #3

So tonight I cannot quite believe that this perfect little person, this little angel child came from me...
Her cells were made from my cells... her body from my body...
Such a miracle.

thoughts on being a mother #2

So last night I lay in bed... it was cold out in the room, and I was warm and comfortable under my doona. I had only been asleep for an hour before grunty snuffleupagus started up again... grunt, grumble, grunt...pause.... grunt grunt... pause... I know from experience that her eyes are closed but she is starting to be aware that she is hungry... And it struck me... this is not just a temporary thing... I am going to feeding this child for months and months... and then of course my thinking flowed on... I am going to be looking after this child's needs for a long long time... I am responsible for this child for the rest of my life!
Wow...
As is, I am sure, quite normal...the feelings I have for her and about being a mother are not consistent. Sometimes I look at her and my heart melts and I feel full of warm mooshy chocolate fudge feelings...Sometimes I look at her and feel nothing. Sometimes I care for her out of duty...Sometimes I almost (but not quite) resent having to get out of bed and offer my breasts to her, yet again... Sometimes an expression of discomfort on her face will move me to tears. Sometimes I am so full of joy at how incredibly lucky I am, and can't imagine doing anything else...Sometimes I already find I miss my old life a bit...
And I suppose that all I can do is roll with it... surf the waves of the different feelings evoked by this all consuming process... and trust that overall the balance is strongly weighted towards love. I am sure that when she smiles at me for the first time the moments of feeling slightly overwhelmed will all be worth it!

thoughts on being a mother #1

So here I sit... my child lies sleeping restlessly in her bassinet beside me... the tinkle of children's sleep music drifts across the room as I condition her to drift off whenever this music is played... she grunts occasionally, a guttural and indelicate but decidedly cute sound, but stays in dream land.
A few minutes ago I held her in my arms in the dim light of my room... and I soothed her... and I gazed at her little face and tried to get my head around the fact that she is my daughter...for life she will be my daughter... this journey that is my life will, from now, be lived as two not a solo flight...
This is a huge change for me...the independent aquarian who is used to being answerable to no-one, doing things "my way"... being impulsive at times, being withdrawn into myself at times, being adventurous as the whim takes me... Now I must always think of her...her needs, her wishes, her goals...
I tried to imagine the moments that lie ahead...the first time she calls me "mummy", the first time I sit in a school hall to watch her in a concert, the moments when I pick her up from school and she runs to me full of stories of her day, the first time she skins her knee or has a bad dream and cries for her mummy...and thousands more... this is now me - my life.
I have imagined it for so long that now that it is here it still feels unreal - like I am still imagining it, dreaming about it... like one day I will wake up and she will not be here and I will realise it was all a day dream that was so vivid it felt real.
I know its real, and I don't know its real... at the same time.
I have been so extremely well supported that I have not had a shock moment of realisation of the hard reality of being a parent...I have been so lucky that it has all seemed easy so far - too easy perhaps... maybe that is why I am taking time to get my head into the reality of it.
And at the same time it feels so natural and like I am doing the thing I was born to do... there has not been a harsh transition into the role of mother... I have just slipped into it like a comfortable old jacket. And so perhaps what I mistake for a sense of unreality is actually more of a sense of comfort in the new reality - perhaps it is the strangeness that is missing...
Only time will tell how my head and heart will deal with what is a fundamental core life change, the realisation of my life's dreams, and at the same time - just simple and beautiful.
:-)

my baby is a genius

With my tongue firmly pressed to my cheek wall I pronounce with glee that my baby is a genius :-) At only 16 days old she is already well ahead of her developmental milestones... She can already roll from her tummy onto her back - and babies are not supposed to be able to do that until around 4 months I believe... and she can reach up and hit her hanging toys and make them move... again - not expected until months down the track... Indi spent a happy half hour making those toys dance!
Of course I expect that she will crawl in the next couple of weeks, be walking in no time... be talking around the same time as she sings her first operetta... and be enrolled in medicine by primary school age! I have decided that she is going to be the head of medicine sans frontier prior to giving me adorable clever grandchildren... so she had better get a wiggle on!
:-)

pics

Most precious delicate little one...
She changes moment to moment, from one feed to the next she is more alert, more engaged, more involved in the sensations of life...
Today she discovered she can suck her own thumb!
Each moment is so precious, to be held, savoured, treasured, remembered.... the 700 odd photos so far will help!
These are just a couple that I like :-)

first steps

so I have not written since my dear little Indigo was born... I have started a few times and not gotten far. I think in my mind this is such a momentus, huge, amazing event that I have been thinking that it needed and deserved a big and very meaningful blog entry...
But of course I have not had the time or headspace to do a big colourful and detailed entry...much as I would love to.
So in the end lets settle for a short post just to get the ball rolling...

So please join me in welcoming the gorgeous ms Indigo Rose!

Songs for Indigo

So I have been making a compilation of Songs for Indigo...
All suggestions welcome!
So far it starts out boppy and fun and then gets sleepier as it goes along...
So far it is :

Jungle drum by Emiliana Torrini
Bubbly by Colby Calliat
Indigo by Moloko
You're beautiful by James Blunt... (this one has the word "fucking" in it once...but I will hum over that!)
I'm Yours by Jason Moraz
Ice cream by Sarah McLachlan
Lovin U by Alicia Keys
Suddenly I See by KT Tunstall
Imagine by Alison Crow (a live cover of the John Lennon song)
Indigo Girl by Watershed (so cute!)
Saving Grace by Pete Murray
Butterflies by Alicia Keys
You've got a friend by Carol King
Wild Child by Enya
You are so beautiful by Louis Armstrong
Warm ways by Fleetwood Mac
My Darling Child by Sinead O'Conner
Goodnight my love by Sarah Vaughan
All the pretty horses by Olivia Newton John
The Indigo by Yaruma (a gorgeous instrumental)
In the still of the evening by Jay Rose


Of course its much more important to do this than to tidy my papers and do work... :-)

my last day alone

So today was my last day alone for a long time...
Tomorrow my family arrive, on monday my dear friend flies in, on tuesday another dear friend arrives... and on Wednesday... my child arrives. No longer will I feel the quiet sense of aloneness as I sip my morning cup of tea. I anticipate, realistically I am told, that from now on my mind will always wrap itself around the consciousness of the two of us, rather than just me.
So I sat for quite a while... sipping tea... listening to the breeze, listening to the rain, watching the trees from my balcony... just being....Savouring the moment... the end of my old life, and the threshhold of the new.
:-)