So last night I lay in bed... it was cold out in the room, and I was warm and comfortable under my doona. I had only been asleep for an hour before grunty snuffleupagus started up again... grunt, grumble, grunt...pause.... grunt grunt... pause... I know from experience that her eyes are closed but she is starting to be aware that she is hungry... And it struck me... this is not just a temporary thing... I am going to feeding this child for months and months... and then of course my thinking flowed on... I am going to be looking after this child's needs for a long long time... I am responsible for this child for the rest of my life!
Wow...
As is, I am sure, quite normal...the feelings I have for her and about being a mother are not consistent. Sometimes I look at her and my heart melts and I feel full of warm mooshy chocolate fudge feelings...Sometimes I look at her and feel nothing. Sometimes I care for her out of duty...Sometimes I almost (but not quite) resent having to get out of bed and offer my breasts to her, yet again... Sometimes an expression of discomfort on her face will move me to tears. Sometimes I am so full of joy at how incredibly lucky I am, and can't imagine doing anything else...Sometimes I already find I miss my old life a bit...
And I suppose that all I can do is roll with it... surf the waves of the different feelings evoked by this all consuming process... and trust that overall the balance is strongly weighted towards love. I am sure that when she smiles at me for the first time the moments of feeling slightly overwhelmed will all be worth it!
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