Friday, December 23, 2011

a snippit of the angel's mind...

So many magical moments.... I am, like most parents, constantly amazed and amused by what the angel says, and how it shows her mind to be working.  Perhaps enhanced by the fact that the angel's verbal skills seem to be her strongest ability, she takes my breath away on a daily basis with the way she articulates quite complex, sometimes profound, sometimes hilarious concepts.  Sadly.... one of the side effects of almost three years of sleep deprivation, oh and packing up my home, moving countries, changing jobs, christmas, other babies being born, and turning 40 all at the same time (phew) is an almost total loss of short term memory.
So often I am bowled over by one of her little utterances, but don't have the presence of mind to stop and write it down and they are lost forever....
Today I have remembered one... its not one of the more stunning ones... but since my computer happened to by accessible I thought I would record it :-)

Angel :  You are big mummy.
Me : Yes, I am bigger than you (trying not to take it as a commentary on my gradual reversal of my recent weight loss) 
Angel : I'm growing bigger mummy
Me : Yes, yes you are...
Angel : Are you growing bigger too mummy?
Me : (sigh) Yes honey, unfortunately I seem to be...
Angel : Hmmm Is it fun being bigger mummy?


Its not profound... but shows a developmental ability to compare between herself and others (and to have a concept of her own seperate uniqueness) and a curiousity about the future (will it be fun when I am bigger?)...

Go little angel... set your mind aflight... and yes, I trust that it will be a lot of fun when you are bigger :-)


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Another fabulous first...

Life with a little angel is full of firsts...  first smiles, first "I love you"'s, first night in a big girl bed, and many more.  This month we experienced another... Our first sit on Santa's knee.  I thought she would be nervous, I thought she might refuse, I thought she might even shed a tear.... but no, the plucky angel thought the whole thing was quite a charming adventure!
And she certainly has embraced the idea of Santa once she realised he is the source of presents under the tree!  She has a ready list of what she is expecting of Santa... and has taken to approaching his image on her hung stocking and enthusiastically encouraging him to remember what she would like and where she would like it...(bubbles and glitter pens, under the tree please!)

2 months

Two months to go until I leave for the next chapter of my life...
The time is rushing past.  I alternate between carrying on life as normal, and moments of suddenly grasping the enormity of what lies ahead... of all I leave behind and all I go to.
Its more than I can hold in my head in this moment.
I know that in the grand scheme of terminal illnesses, world wars and natural disasters, merely moving countries and take on a huge new job is not such a big thing...
But in my world right now it seems pretty big.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Growing Growing Growing... wee!

So my angel is growing growing growing... She crawled, she walked, she talked, and now she pees!
We tried toilet training several times over this year... but she wasn't ready.  She knew the theory but the practice was messy.
But this week, suddenly, she's got it!
We have had almost a week with minimal accidents...she puts her wees in the potty regularly, holds on until she can get to the potty... and now she even pees in the toilet too.
Its a big step - and a big adjustment for me.  Being a mum has integrally involved changing nappies... its an iconic time.  A little girl in big girl knickers is a whole different story!  She is really not my baby anymore... and I am sooo proud of her!

My Silver Space

So I have realised recently how profoundly I am influenced by others expectations of me.  I feel acutely the judgements of others when I don't meet their expectations.  Some people affect me more profoundly than others... and over-all the result is an overwhelming urge to flee, and the almost complete loss of a stable sense of who I am - and that its ok to be me!
I am not like other people... I do things differently to other people... I know that some things about me are sometimes frustrating, confusing or concerning to others - but I happen to, when I am outside of the influence of others judgements, like myself the way I am.
So I have visualised for myself a Silver Space... it is my space... space to be myself free of others judgements.  In my silver space I don't feel guilty, I don't feel inadequate... With love I allow others to be who they are and be different to me... and I don't need to take on any pressure to be like them or to feel bound by their expectations.
In my Silver Space I am free.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Learning to Love

 My Angel is learning to love...
When she was small, smaller than now, she loved in the moment.  She loved the people who were in front of her...the people who played with her... and when they were gone she moved on to the next person or diversion.
But recently... she is learning to love people and stay loving them.  She remembers, she misses people.  She has her favourites.  She thinks about them when they are not there.  She is excited and looks forward to seeing them.  She doesn't engage with strangers as easily - she wants "her people"...
She knows who she loves.


neglect

It seems I have been neglecting my blog...
Tis true... I admit it. 
Why?  A combination of factors...
I am busy... yep...
I have an iphone... and my mobile blogging isn't working...
My angel loves computers so I need to hide my laptop...
I became conscious that both a) people were reading my blog and it affected them... and b) not all that many people were reading my blog.
I got hooked on the postsecret app and wasted lots of time reading random strangers secrets...
I have a to-do list that is so long that I am either a) busy or b) avoiding activity by lying on the couch dozing or losing my mind in vacuous television.
I started having only a night or two a week to myself, and hoarded my down time jealously...
I had a hundred little things to say and no way to express the big things.
But I am back...
Thanks for your patience!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Donna's story

I've been reading Donna's Story.... Each day for the month of September, cancer awareness month, Donna's amazing mum is telling another chapter of the 31 month story of Donna's illness.  Its so beautifully, simply, unashamedly, honestly written and it moves me to tears. 
This story taps into my greatest fear... the anticipatory fear I had before I had my child, the fear that grips me every night before I go to sleep and every day in every precious perfect moment of childish sticky yumminess.  The fear is always there... sometimes echoing loudly around a mind absorbed by it... sometimes silently tick-tocking, keeping time in the background of life. 
I fear that I am too lucky, that my chances of actually having the perfect little girl I always wanted are so slim that really, something's gotta go wrong to take it all away.  I feel like I am constantly living on borrowed time, making the most of every day before the dream turns on a dime and becomes a nightmare.  Every day I check my daughters beautiful creamy skin for unexplained bruises.  Every day I listen to her speach for slurring.  Every day I watch her balance, her fine motor skills.  Every day I monitor her moods, her growth and learning.  Every day I wait and I fear... and I hope like hell that I will look back in 20 years and laugh that I had this fear....  Of course then I will have a thousand other fears to keep me amused.
But the up-side of this fear is that it makes me a better mum.  In the moments when I am tired, distracted, would love to have time to myself, frustrated, angry, and all the other less favourable moods that go along parenting a toddler I have in the back of my mind the reminder that I want to make sure I make the most of every moment.  I don't ever want to have the worst happen and look back and wish I had appreciated her more when I had her.  The knowledge that everything we love in life is fragile and imperminent is a continual teaching to me to be more patient, make more effort, be more attentive, less selfish, to give with all my heart and take joy in every rewarding smile. 
Thank you, Donna's mum, for helping me be a better mum and a better person.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

counting down the days

So I am mere days away from my third and final round of the 12wbt.  And sheesh, I ain't looking forward to it.  Yes I want the results... I need to lose another 8-10 kg to feel really really HOT.  And I really would like to feel really really HOT in a bikini on the beach in tropical paradise.  Not sure who I will be impressing... but there is always that HOT chick in the mirror to check out.
I know these diets are supposed to be a permanent life change... not just a short term weight loss fix.  And absolutely - a lot of things have changed for me in a way that is not just a 12 week whirlwind romance relationship with change.  I have actually started to want to go to the gym and zumba and stuff without jumping at any excuse not to.  I definitely trust that it makes me feel good... and that is a big attitudinal shift.  I am also much more aware of portion sizes and daily calorie intake amounts, even if I don't always stick to it.  But as for the program being a permanent way of life... not likely.  I am afraid that I am still in the mindset of wanting to dive headfirst into a cheesecake as soon as the 12 weeks are up.  And I am still in the unfortunate mindset of "making the most of it" between rounds of the program.
Thus, I have put on 2 kg between each round of the program.  So I lost 8, put on 2, lost 5, put on 1.5... meaning I sit here 9.5 kg lighter - but having done the hard yards to lose 13kg!  Bugger!
So I am going to give it another red hot shot.  I am not really sure that I want to... not really sure where I am going to dig out the motivation... and not really sure that my love affair with chocolate that has blossomed in the last few weeks is really ready for the graveyard.
I'm giving up so much at the moment - packing up my house, giving away my things, leaving my ex-lover behind, leaving my job, leaving friends and family, leaving my routines and my parks and my cafes and my whole relatively happy little lifestyle... I seriously have to break up with my mate freddo too??
Sheesh

Sunday, August 28, 2011

post secrets...

On post secret this week... This would be one of my secrets... When I feel like I just don't want to do this anymore I keep telling myself "I am a good person, I am a good person"... and I do believe it, no matter now dark I feel.... I know I am a good person.