the resounding silence

So I am aware, well aware, that my blogging has dropped off.   I regret this... I keep stockpiling little stories and anecdotes, or taking pictures that I would like to upload... but somehow time gets away from me!  And then I hesitate because to break the silence with some moment of relative inconsequence seems somehow inappropriate... yet the ball must roll somehow and here I am, giving it a kick...
(not my real legs... sadly!)

I thought I would create context by reproducing facebook updates from the quiet times...You see I can facebook from my iphone, my dear new iphone (post toilet incident of previous blog post)... so I have time to do that when, oh, I am on the toilet... (although I still shudder involuntarily when I bring the precious iphone within a few metres of the drop zone)...

Voiceless I roam, mouthing silent complaints at the sleeping child... 'I say' said the dumb mum to the deaf child...

Tuesday at 20:10 via Facebook for iPhone

...Is observing, with some concern, the obvious joy of doing a poo and then sitting resolutely on it... Ah the simple pleasures of toddlerdom... 

Monday at 07:46 via Facebook for iPhone

...Is shattered... Utterly... Yet the to-do list beckons... Boo! Leave me be oh darned list! Tis the first night of junior masterchef!

12 September at 19:56 via Facebook for iPhone

 

...Is sort of enjoying my cold stopping my morning exercise routine, but is being guilt tripped by Burt and Ernie doing aerobics... Sneaky kids tv!

12 September at 07:34 via Facebook for iPhone

 ...Is lying in bed nursing a cold, listening to the rain, luxuriating in the silence of the sleeping child, playing iPhone games... Not so bad at all!!'

10 September at 10:35 via Facebook for iPhone

 

09 September at 22:30

mummy's reward for making such an adorable one... ruthlessness in the pursuit of cuteness... waa haa haa

07 September at 23:45

 

Is wondering how to find sunshine on the inside... Blue skies above, drizzle within.

07 September at 11:31 via Facebook for iPhone

 

Where does one buy those cleverly disguised animal backpack child leads??? 1 hour in dfo, one shoplifting runaway child, several new grey hairs for mummy... It's either restraints or hibernation....

05 September at 19:57 via Facebook for iPhone

Is tired but the joy of seeing the absolute wonder in the little angel eyes at her first fireworks show was so worth it....

05 September at 06:58 via Facebook for iPhone 

is off to buy spring seedlings :-)

29 August at 14:24

 

 

You get the idea... I've been sick, I've been loving that kid to within an inch of her pooey bottom life, I've been planting seedlings and embracing spring, despite the odd drizzly day...

Its life, its my life, apparently.  Last week I looked in the mirror and realised that I am about to turn 39... even now my finger hesitates hopefully over the 2 instead of the 3... can I not be 29 again??   I feel more like 28 than 38... Yet somehow my youth is behind me and this... this odd, bubbling along, plodding by, bumping up and down path is THE path... this is THE LIFE that I live!  I spent my youth wondering what THE LIFE I LIVE would be like... and suddenly I realise that this is it.  This is "WHAT I DO"... I work in a semi-meaningful job... I have some pretty nice friends... I have a dear dear little child... I date and make relationships work.... I live in a pretty nice house.  None of it is remarkable, none of it is terrible... its all pretty damn nice and sometimes I feel incredibly lucky and blessed but most of the time I just, well, roll along with it.  I think I thought my life would be somehow more dramatic...more sensational, more... well, more.  

I'm not sure what, if anything, I would want to change... and yet somehow... its like a drink that I swallow in my thirst but don't really taste... it just slips on by and then it is gone... and I want another glass that i can sip and savour and really get the full experience of.... I want another life so that I can live all the options, all the potentials, all the choices.  I have made some pretty adventurous choices in my life, yet also some pretty safe and tame ones.  There is always more that I could, should, would do... and yet... life slips on by and I find myself turning 39.

 

Well actually, my birthday is not really until January so at least I have plenty of time to wallow in angst before then.... oh and think of it... it will then be the count down to 40!  What peaks and troughs I can plow in the move towards that most powerful life marker! 

On with life then! 

the best bl#&$dy feeling ever

So I might be doing the dishes, getting distracted by the kids show on TV, drying my hair or eating something... and I hear, or don't hear, the patter of little feet... and then there she is... looking up at me grinning... a smile of pure joy.  And the reason - just because I am there.  Just coz I am her mum and she thinks I am pretty fantastic.  She looks at me and smiles with her whole face radiating happiness... and in that moment my heart stops for a beat... my breath becomes superfluous... everything in the world contracts into that moment which is at once over in a brief millisecond and at the same time ever-lasting.... my world dissolves into her smile.... and its the best bloody feeling I've ever known.

of giving and receiving...

So I was pondering...
Generosity - what does it really mean?  Or rather... In order to be generous do we have to give without hope or expectation of receiving?  Perhaps there are different layers of generosity - there is that which gives selflessly with no thought or desire for return or reciprocation... There is that which gives openly and with willingness to self sacrifice, however does expect something in balance - a sort of "I'll scratch your itch because I trust that when I need you to, you will scratch mine back"... and then perhaps there is that which says I will give to you, but on my terms and in the ways that suit me.
Which is the better?  Clearly the first is the more noble... yet it is exceedingly rare and somewhat hard to practice in daily life... and there is the slight downside that people may not trust you and think you are mad, or you end up broke and burnt out.  The second seems the most practical - but is it really generosity? 
These are the thoughts that I ponder... but now I hear my child wake and I am off to practice the first sort - except its not really... because I get soooo much back from her.... its not selfless at all!

mummy's perogative :-)

So I made this precious incredible little miracle... surely I am allowed to have some fun with it??