Arrrrrgggg

Seriously at risk of disappearing under a tsunami of work... I've been trying to maintain work life balance this year... But after one month the lack of night and weekend work has left me seriously under a pile of craziness and a looooong way from the good end of my to do list.  I think it's time to give in and be consumed... To dive back into crazy land and let the beasts have me.  6 months and 5 days to go... Counting counting .....

Ants

This country is crawling with ants. My home is full of ants. Everything I touch has ants on it... Every morsel of food or drop of drink left momentarily unattended is ruthlessly claimed by them.  It rains almost everyday at the moment so the sodding ants are perpetually in a state of panic migration.... They are not like Aussie ants though... They are tiny tiny and ever so numerous. Imagine all the ants in your house divided themselves into 12 pieces of ant, which each became an ant itself...and then imagine those ants crawling on the back of your arms, and your neck, and the back of your hands, and that point between your  shoulder blades that is really hard to reach... Then add the thick layer of sweaty slime that the ants are sliding around in on your body and you may start to get a sense of how I feel about these ants.  I used to be relatively kind to little creatures. I've been known to go to great lengths to avoid killing ants.... But these little bastards bring out a vicious murderous side of me that is rarely seen and best left unexplored... Please ants... Get thee hence... I cannot abide thee....

41

41.
I'm now 41.  In many ways this feels really quite different to 40. At 41 I think I am past the age of having a second child.... Which comes with some grief but also a quiet acceptance of my choice. I feel that I am also officially an adult, with all the guts and glory that the lofty title entails. I feel different. I question myself less. I care less what others think of me. I take risks more confidently. I avoid less and confront more. I have an abiding sense of time running out. I am firmer with myself. I make fewer excuses and I am learning to look less to others to blame or solve things for me, and more to myself to step up and take responsibility. I know how to work hard. I know how to fail and to succeed with grace. I don't let a failure make me feel like I am a failure. I have learned a lot and I am also more acutely aware of how much I don't know. I feel guilt for not knowing more at my age. Knowing seems more important than doing in some ways.  I am both more cautious, more thoughtful, and less cautious, more confident. I sound like a parent at times and it doesn't make me cringe because I am ok with being a mother, acting like a mother...  I am much more comfortable in my own quiet company than ever before.  Although I am not entirely free of the desire to be liked by others and a slight paranoia about not being liked is still hanging around, it is less debilitating than in the past.
I'm 41. I wish that life was much much longer. I want to live for at least another 4 lifetimes... But I won't and there is a little grief that tinges my choices now... There is just not enough time left for everything I want to do in life....
But I am 41... I am on my path.... I trust that I am walking in a good direction and I am committed to making the most of the time I have left.