So yesterday was my birthday... my last birthday as a non-parent...
It was a day of appreciating my dear friends and family. My wonderful parents looked after me so well, they worked all day helping me prepare the house for the new kitchen... my mum fussed over me and spoiled me with love... my dad slaved over painting my new gorgeous baby-bath table on wheels that he built me :-) and all day my phone beeped and buzzed with dozens of messages, calls and loving thoughts from my dear friends. And then later in the evening two of my dear local friends joined with my mum and dad and I in a delicious meal. Laughter flowed freely, jokes and stories of life, films, world events, travel...It was all just lovely! I don't think I have ever appreciated friendship and family more.
And once again I learned a valuable lesson. There was one person whose birthday call was conspicuously absent... and I cried my heart out dismally... It took me until the end of the day to put things in perspective and notice that I had let one person bring me down so much - and make me feel so unloved - in the obvious face of the waterfalls of love that surrounded me from every other direction. Birthdays bring out the most sensitive and vulnerable parts of me I think... its a time when everything is more intense... when I most need to feel loved and valued. As such, I have never really looked forward to birthdays - they are such "tender-hooks" days... days of fearing what might go wrong and be upsetting, days of hoping for something special to make the day stand out from all of the rest.
But now it is over and I am 37.... I know that I am because my passport says so... what does 37 feel like? Too young to really know what I am doing, but too old to feel like I can afford to not know anymore. Too young to have to take responsibility for the whole picture of my life at one time, but too old to ignore the challenging parts of it anymore. Too young to have half of my life over already - and too old to want to be young again.
So this year I make some pacts with myself....
This year I am going to find a balance between being compassionate and understanding towards others and accepting and excusing their crap because they are "confused, mixed up, dealing with their own issues".
This year I am going to start putting my own needs first - because I finally realise that most people don't notice or rarely appreciate me attempting to put them first, whereas witnessing me valuing my own needs gives them permission to do the same.
This year I am going to try and consistently model the kinds of behaviours and attitudes that I want my child to learn and develop... Self respect, dignity, integrity and more...
This year I am going to stop telling people what they want to hear at the cost of my own self respect, I am going to stop accepting what others say at the cost of my own dignity, and stop bending myself in knots to please others at the cost of my own integrity.
This year is going to be about my child and I... living the life I choose, based on the values that I uphold and on the things that inspire me and add to my sense of myself as a good and worthwhile person in the world.
This year I am going to be ruthless in protecting myself from anything or anyone who does not add positive value to my life.
These are my most important goals for my 37th year.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
holy crap
Ok so now I am getting really scared...
Holy crap - I am going to be a mother... this little baby is kicking around like mad... she is making herself felt as a strong little entity... and I am counting down the weeks until I give birth. And it feels like finally a sense of reality is kicking in - I was focussed on getting pregnant - then I was focussed on staying pregnant - then I was focussed on the physicality of being pregnant... and now all of a sudden I am realising that in 15 or less short weeks I am going to be a mother. For the rest of my life.
I hold tight to the knowledge that once upon a time, and for a long time, I was really really sure that I wanted this. I hold tight to the knowledge that I do know, under the fear, that I am capable of being a good mum. I hold tight to the fact that once I knew these things because... at the same time as feeling so incredibly familiar - this process also feels so incredibly unfathomably ridiculously surreal. I find myself, at random moments, thinking "oh my god, what was I thinking?!!".... I find myself completely overwhelmed by the reality that there is no way back now! And my life is never going to be the same again. Recently I was driving away from dropping M off at day care and I suddenly realised that - very soon - that is going to be my life - I am going to be one of those mothers... and almost had to stop the car and throw up because, just for a moment, the reality was too much for me.
God I hope those birth hormones are good.
Holy crap - I am going to be a mother... this little baby is kicking around like mad... she is making herself felt as a strong little entity... and I am counting down the weeks until I give birth. And it feels like finally a sense of reality is kicking in - I was focussed on getting pregnant - then I was focussed on staying pregnant - then I was focussed on the physicality of being pregnant... and now all of a sudden I am realising that in 15 or less short weeks I am going to be a mother. For the rest of my life.
I hold tight to the knowledge that once upon a time, and for a long time, I was really really sure that I wanted this. I hold tight to the knowledge that I do know, under the fear, that I am capable of being a good mum. I hold tight to the fact that once I knew these things because... at the same time as feeling so incredibly familiar - this process also feels so incredibly unfathomably ridiculously surreal. I find myself, at random moments, thinking "oh my god, what was I thinking?!!".... I find myself completely overwhelmed by the reality that there is no way back now! And my life is never going to be the same again. Recently I was driving away from dropping M off at day care and I suddenly realised that - very soon - that is going to be my life - I am going to be one of those mothers... and almost had to stop the car and throw up because, just for a moment, the reality was too much for me.
God I hope those birth hormones are good.
Monday, January 19, 2009
look out for that baby!
My belly is starting to poke out from under my t-shirts if I am not vigilant.... Little princess is frequently most concerned.... "Rhianon, Rhianon... your baby is falling out!" she cries in consternation...as she firmly pulls my pants up and my t-shirt down back into place....
Now if only it was so easy to get the baby's feet OFF my bladder... and her dear head OUT of my diaphragm.... the constant heartburn and trips to the toilet are starting to wear me down....
Now if only it was so easy to get the baby's feet OFF my bladder... and her dear head OUT of my diaphragm.... the constant heartburn and trips to the toilet are starting to wear me down....
I did sport :-)
So its a bit of a delayed entry - but better late than never...
I hereby declare, in the witness of my dear readers... that I did sport... AND I loved it!
I believe in taking an interest in the passions of the special people in one's life - and thus I ventured into the hither-to unexplored world of live sport - and went to the International Tennis Semi-Finals... and gosh, it was fun! Fast paced, actio
n packed... two best friends, two dramatic french men, battling it out in a fairly evenly matched game of skill and determination. It was exciting! The atmosphere was friendly and entertaining.... The company was grand... The seats offered a perfect vie
w...In all - a fabulous evening. I still draw the line at test cricket and Rugby (unless its the Rugby 7's which I was converted to in Fiji)...but I reckon I could give this sport thingo a go again in the future :-) Expanding horizons and all that :-)
Sunday, January 18, 2009
the end of trimester two
good heavens...its really happening... Here I am, entering the final trimester... Its all happened so fast! Suddenly the lovely idea of being a mother is becoming a reality.... and its pretty damn scary. Its huge. (I am too...but that's no breaking news!) For the rest of my life I am going to be a mother. For the rest of my life I am responsible for another person's well-being, for their happiness, for their health and for their very existence. I know that in oh, perhaps 25 years time that responsibility will decrease...but really - for the foreseeable future... its a whole new me.
I read an article today in Brisbane's Child magazine, which I was reading to try and get connected to this weird process that is happening in my body. The article was about the parenting happiness myth. It seems that research has shown that parenting does not really make people happier.
"and herein lies the great irony of parenthood. Parents often talk about the happiness they get from their kids, while kids complain about their parents. But in fact, there is strong evidence that parents make children much happier, while children make their parents a little less happy, at least in the short run. In parenting we invest some of our own happiness to create much greater happiness for the next generation"
It seems that if all circumstances are the same, people with children are significantly less likely to rate themselves as "very happy" than people in the same life situation without children. It seems that the benefit of having kids is not necessarily in being "happier"... but in having a greater overall sense of meaning or fulfillment in life in the big picture.
Certainly I think about many of the things that currently make me happy - a relaxed morning in a cafe with good coffee and a newspaper... a great dinner with friends.... a fabulous movie... the freedom to travel and explore the world... having time to be creative...
All of these things will be less enjoyable with a child. All of these things will be harder and rarer with a child.
What was I thinking?
Then again... I also know that I have been staggered by the sheer beauty of simple moments with K and M... moments of play, moments of making breakfast, moments of coming home from a grocery shopping trip with a child singing in the back of the car - and in these moments I feel more quiet contentment than I can ever remember feeling...
I guess the fear is natural
I guess the truth is that it will all be fine...
I read an article today in Brisbane's Child magazine, which I was reading to try and get connected to this weird process that is happening in my body. The article was about the parenting happiness myth. It seems that research has shown that parenting does not really make people happier.
"and herein lies the great irony of parenthood. Parents often talk about the happiness they get from their kids, while kids complain about their parents. But in fact, there is strong evidence that parents make children much happier, while children make their parents a little less happy, at least in the short run. In parenting we invest some of our own happiness to create much greater happiness for the next generation"
It seems that if all circumstances are the same, people with children are significantly less likely to rate themselves as "very happy" than people in the same life situation without children. It seems that the benefit of having kids is not necessarily in being "happier"... but in having a greater overall sense of meaning or fulfillment in life in the big picture.
Certainly I think about many of the things that currently make me happy - a relaxed morning in a cafe with good coffee and a newspaper... a great dinner with friends.... a fabulous movie... the freedom to travel and explore the world... having time to be creative...
All of these things will be less enjoyable with a child. All of these things will be harder and rarer with a child.
What was I thinking?
Then again... I also know that I have been staggered by the sheer beauty of simple moments with K and M... moments of play, moments of making breakfast, moments of coming home from a grocery shopping trip with a child singing in the back of the car - and in these moments I feel more quiet contentment than I can ever remember feeling...
I guess the fear is natural
I guess the truth is that it will all be fine...
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
from the mouths of babes...
ah 3 year olds are truly a delight!
A couple of moments that came to mind today that are worth remembering...
Little Princess walking up to me in the hallway, gripping my belly firmly in both hands (above her head) and pushing it from side to side... "what ever are you doing?" I ask... "Rocking the baby!" is her obvious reply :-) Silly me.
Little Princess overheard asking her mum if I am going to come in the pool with them.... for the first time this summer... on being told that I am indeed planning to swim - she becomes deeply concerned "But mummy, Rhianon can't come in the pool, she'll get the baby wet!" :-)
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
sitting sucks
So I am at work...perched backwards on my office chair, attempting to reach the keyboard from around the back of the seat...with my feet on a cardboard box. Not sure I can get out of this position any time soon... Recently I scared the finance woman when she found me prone under a table in a meeting room attempting to stretch but doing a rather good impersonation of a fainted whale.
How things change... these days sitting sucks. Driving hurts and is rationed into short trips as necessary... sitting at a computer is also on an elimination program... Lousy timing just as I am trying to get huge amounts of work done on policy writing. I would stand at my desk but that hurts too. I wonder if I can work out a way to project my computer onto the roof above my bed? But then lying on my back hurts too... I wonder if I can get a computer embedded into my body pillow??
Who me? Whinge? Nah....
I've been practicing witty come-backs for all the people who drop their jaws in genuine horror at the size of me coupled with the news that I have 4 months to go. I have tried "oh, so you think I am getting big? Glad you mentioned it - I have been meaning to ask you if you had put on weight recently?" Only works on certain people... and I don't really feel right about using a put-down since people's shock towards me tends to be genuinely cloaked in sincere concern for my well-being. If only I had a dollar for all the times people have asked me if I am having twins - I would be able to afford a really funky double pram - one side for the baby and the other for my wounded body image :-)
How things change... these days sitting sucks. Driving hurts and is rationed into short trips as necessary... sitting at a computer is also on an elimination program... Lousy timing just as I am trying to get huge amounts of work done on policy writing. I would stand at my desk but that hurts too. I wonder if I can work out a way to project my computer onto the roof above my bed? But then lying on my back hurts too... I wonder if I can get a computer embedded into my body pillow??
Who me? Whinge? Nah....
I've been practicing witty come-backs for all the people who drop their jaws in genuine horror at the size of me coupled with the news that I have 4 months to go. I have tried "oh, so you think I am getting big? Glad you mentioned it - I have been meaning to ask you if you had put on weight recently?" Only works on certain people... and I don't really feel right about using a put-down since people's shock towards me tends to be genuinely cloaked in sincere concern for my well-being. If only I had a dollar for all the times people have asked me if I am having twins - I would be able to afford a really funky double pram - one side for the baby and the other for my wounded body image :-)
Monday, January 5, 2009
stuff it in your mad passionate extra-ordinary bottom
Today my friend posted this quote on his blog....
"Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life—love should not be one of them."
For me it reflects the abiding and soul-destroying malaise of our generation....
Separating for a moment from my own love life - this is not about me - it triggers my now familiar philosophical reaction and launches me into my increasingly common rant...
Why, oh Why, is this, my generation, so unflaggingly conditioned to expect and accept only the biggest, the best, the most "extra-ordinary" as their DUE. Ordinary has become a dirty word - something that we must seek to avoid at all costs - to the point where the relentless search for the extraordinary has become, well, really rather ordinary!
Those bloody fairy princesses waiting for their knights have infected us from childhood - not for us the perfectly nice young nave who cleans the kings jewels for a job and looks after his grandmother - Oh No - for us only the rare treasure of the the charming and perfect-in-every-way prince of far-far-away....
AND ARE WE HAPPY???
As we search relentlessly for perfection our lives slip away, like sands through that hourglass... the days of our lives are spent striving for something we think we should be finding before we can really be happy.
My generation all think they deserve the fairytale...and as the quote above says - we consider anything else, any compromise, a "waste of time".
I say this is total bollocks. My generation is aging as single, childless, overworked and under-satisfied people who feel cheated that they never got their share of the extra-ordinary.
Happiness is, I think, about celebrating what you have - its about noticing something wonderful in ordinary moments... its about lowering your expectations and being happier more of the time! I don't need a mansion to live in, a fancy new car, the latest fashionable clothes and the most stylish interior decorating on the market - I do not need extra-ordinary success to be happy. Sure - if they come my way I will celebrate them, but I certainly do not expect that anything less is a waste of time! And so too with love.... Love is fundamentally ordinary I say... and wonderfully so. We all love, we all have passionate moments, and we all feel bored, slightly dissatisfied, or somewhat exasperated at times with the ones we choose to love. This is ordinary... and if we see it as mediocre and therefore an unacceptable compromise...well... we will spend our lives searching for something that simply does not exist out of Hans Christian Anderson's world. Or we will bounce from one sensation of "crush" to the next, because when reality creeps in - no matter who it is... there will definitely be ordinary times.
I say LOVE the ordinary, celebrate the soft subtle pleasures of the mundane, rejoice in the beauty that lies in creating deep and abiding love with another person who is - just like you - fundamentally flawed, honourably human, and essentially normal.
So I say "stick it" to the people who say "Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of time" ... I looked for it when I was younger... at times, briefly, I thought I found it... but of course it never lasted... so I went back to searching....
And then I grew up.
I am much much happier now!
Perhaps in this way I myself have become "extra-ordinary"
:-)
"Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life—love should not be one of them."
For me it reflects the abiding and soul-destroying malaise of our generation....
Separating for a moment from my own love life - this is not about me - it triggers my now familiar philosophical reaction and launches me into my increasingly common rant...
Why, oh Why, is this, my generation, so unflaggingly conditioned to expect and accept only the biggest, the best, the most "extra-ordinary" as their DUE. Ordinary has become a dirty word - something that we must seek to avoid at all costs - to the point where the relentless search for the extraordinary has become, well, really rather ordinary!
Those bloody fairy princesses waiting for their knights have infected us from childhood - not for us the perfectly nice young nave who cleans the kings jewels for a job and looks after his grandmother - Oh No - for us only the rare treasure of the the charming and perfect-in-every-way prince of far-far-away....
AND ARE WE HAPPY???
As we search relentlessly for perfection our lives slip away, like sands through that hourglass... the days of our lives are spent striving for something we think we should be finding before we can really be happy.
My generation all think they deserve the fairytale...and as the quote above says - we consider anything else, any compromise, a "waste of time".
I say this is total bollocks. My generation is aging as single, childless, overworked and under-satisfied people who feel cheated that they never got their share of the extra-ordinary.
Happiness is, I think, about celebrating what you have - its about noticing something wonderful in ordinary moments... its about lowering your expectations and being happier more of the time! I don't need a mansion to live in, a fancy new car, the latest fashionable clothes and the most stylish interior decorating on the market - I do not need extra-ordinary success to be happy. Sure - if they come my way I will celebrate them, but I certainly do not expect that anything less is a waste of time! And so too with love.... Love is fundamentally ordinary I say... and wonderfully so. We all love, we all have passionate moments, and we all feel bored, slightly dissatisfied, or somewhat exasperated at times with the ones we choose to love. This is ordinary... and if we see it as mediocre and therefore an unacceptable compromise...well... we will spend our lives searching for something that simply does not exist out of Hans Christian Anderson's world. Or we will bounce from one sensation of "crush" to the next, because when reality creeps in - no matter who it is... there will definitely be ordinary times.
I say LOVE the ordinary, celebrate the soft subtle pleasures of the mundane, rejoice in the beauty that lies in creating deep and abiding love with another person who is - just like you - fundamentally flawed, honourably human, and essentially normal.
So I say "stick it" to the people who say "Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of time" ... I looked for it when I was younger... at times, briefly, I thought I found it... but of course it never lasted... so I went back to searching....
And then I grew up.
I am much much happier now!
Perhaps in this way I myself have become "extra-ordinary"
:-)
Saturday, January 3, 2009
crazy woman
A friend sent me a version of this quote in an email today....
"for there is nothing either good or
bad, but thinking makes it so."
Its Shakespeare, from Hamlet... (I googled)
My emotions are all over the place at the moment. Damn hormones... I have rushes of intense contentment and happiness, followed by strange discoveries of tears rolling freely down my cheeks. Little moments of frustration are enough to send me into a foetal position. Excitement is thrilling....stress overwhelming....
All part of the process and thank heavens for my well-practised ability to notice when I am being a mad woman and realise that all sense of reality is created by the state of my own mind.
:-)
Friday, January 2, 2009
My stars for today ....
One of my resolutions for this year... greater balance between looking after others and attending to my own needs....
Aquarius (20/1-18/2)
While you know how to create a good time for everyone around you, you might not be feeling like making life easier for others. Why? Well, things are not so easy for you right now. It might be a good idea to put yourself first today. Take a break from your cruise director duties and turn your attentions toward doing things that make you happy, not what makes everyone else happy. They aren't going to feel abandoned if you're not up for planning their fun -- they will feel empowered.
One of my resolutions for this year... greater balance between looking after others and attending to my own needs....
Aquarius (20/1-18/2)
While you know how to create a good time for everyone around you, you might not be feeling like making life easier for others. Why? Well, things are not so easy for you right now. It might be a good idea to put yourself first today. Take a break from your cruise director duties and turn your attentions toward doing things that make you happy, not what makes everyone else happy. They aren't going to feel abandoned if you're not up for planning their fun -- they will feel empowered.
You mean I have another 4 months of this??
Token Winge...
Feel free not to read on...
But its got to be done I am afraid...
lest someone thinks that I am all love and joy-bubbles with this pregnancy... mostly I am... but....
It hurts to sit for long... my back aches
It hurts to lie down for long... my hips ache and when I get up I can sometimes hardly walk from the pressure on my sciatic nerves
It hurts to stand - my feet are swollen and painful...
I'm stupidly tired most of the time...
So complain for a moment here... but really most of the time I just smile and get on with daily living...
Thanks for listening for a moment...
Right... back to it...
Feel free not to read on...
But its got to be done I am afraid...
lest someone thinks that I am all love and joy-bubbles with this pregnancy... mostly I am... but....
It hurts to sit for long... my back aches
It hurts to lie down for long... my hips ache and when I get up I can sometimes hardly walk from the pressure on my sciatic nerves
It hurts to stand - my feet are swollen and painful...
I'm stupidly tired most of the time...
So complain for a moment here... but really most of the time I just smile and get on with daily living...
Thanks for listening for a moment...
Right... back to it...
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