Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The hell of controlled crying

I have discovered a new kind of hell.
Standing in the hallway, listening to your child scream her heart out... knowing the worst possible thing you can do is the only thing you want to do - pick her up and sooth her and make her happy.
Apparently if I do this, if I stop rocking her to sleep in my arms, she will learn to get herself to sleep and I won't have to keep getting up 2-4 times a night. 

I am not sure its worth it.

My Pledge

So my readers will know that when I was pregnant I had horrific gestational diabetes.  It was nasty.  I had to stick a needle in my finger and test glucose two hours after every meal.  I had to inject my stomach with insulin before every meal.  I couldn't eat anything that vaguely resembled sugar, and could eat only a minimum of carbs since they converted rapidly to the evil stuff also.  As a gluten intolerant pregnant woman this meant I lived on cheese and nuts.  And I don't even like cheese much (except the soft ones which were off the list for pregnant women, of course... ).  It was exceedingly unpleasant, and I mentally survived by counting down the days to the birth of normality... having a baby was thrilling, but eating like a normal person vied for placing on my excitement podium.  So in the midst of that time the horrifically expensive endochronologist cheerfully informed me that I had developed the gestational diabetes because my body was having to work harder as my belly expanded, and that it kicked in when my my body reached its pressure threshold at roughly 75kgs... Her advice was that I needed to see the diabetes diet as a long term lifestyle change because if I ever reached 75kg again, after the pregnancy, then I would be likely to develop Type 2 diabetes for real.  At the time I scoffed, and swore that I would never allow that to happen... I would have this baby and then lose lots of weight quickly, exercise lots (I mean what else would I have to do with my time when I was on maternity leave - I thought) and eat well and I would not only return to my pre-baby body, I would improve it.  I was determined to be a svelt yummy mummy - with a new found motivation now that I had a little one to set a good example for, and to run around after....
Hmmmm
The reality was, of course, that I was wildly naive.  I spent the first couple of months enjoying guilt free cheesecake after all those months of sugar deprivation...and then well... I was simply exhausted, all the time, tired, drained, at times overwhelmed, but mostly just bone weary.  I felt like a had no time for myself, and the moments I did get I spent staring blankly at a wall, just breathing slowly, doing the bare minimum that I could.  I got by, and still do, on roughly 4-5 hours of broken sleep a night.  Sure - I took out a gym membership, I even managed to get to sessions with a trainer for half an hour a week.  But at the same time I ate... what ever was nearby... what ever made me feel full... and then in between I ate whatever I wanted to reward myself with.  And the results started to show... I kept wearing my maternity clothes... I unpacked my old clothes in anticipation of being able to wear them "soon"...but they hung unworn and after a while I started buying bigger, looser, floppier disguises.... the belly I wore proudly when it had a baby in it was still sticking out but the stretchy t-shirts had a totally different effect and one that made me shudder in the mirror.  So I moved the little tops aside for the kaftans... and kept thinking somehow a miracle would happen and I would find my inner yummy mummy... meanwhile I kept eating whatever found its way into my mouth, and sleeping little, and mostly wandering slowly in a daze of tiredness conserving the little energy I had for essentials, like feeding the baby, cleaning my teeth, putting on another load of washing.
And so I not only didn't lose the baby weight, I started putting on more....
And now, to my horror, I find myself weighing in at 72kg.  I suddenly realise that I am a mere cheesecake away from diabetes.  I am a few weeks of indulgence away from a lifetime of needles and extreme deprivation.  I am mere inches from a life that is limited by having to have refrigerated insulin on me at all times, having to eat something sugar free and gluten free every two hours.  I would be waving good bye to intrepid travelling, to freedom, to health and vitality and flexibility and choice.
And suddenly I realise that this is now serious folks.
I have made a few hundred weight loss plans in my lifetime.  I have dabbled with all the major weightloss schemes in the past when chronic fatigue saw me balloon 15 kg in a few years.  Some worked a little, some didn't at all.  I have searched in vain for a miracle flab cure.  I haven't found it.  But what I do know is that I have to do something and this time it has to work.  Now it is not just about fitting into that little skirt or looking cute - its about being alive and strong for my daughter.  And my daughter has a double sided gene risk of diabetes herself (my grandmother and my donor's mother) - so together we have to beat this demon.
I haven't wanted to talk about it...I have been embarrassed, I have been ashamed... but now I need to put all of that aside.  I need to take this pledge, privately and publicly.  Its not going to be easy, in the past I have found losing weight very hard, and I am going to need all the support I can get. 
So I pledge now - for me, for my child, for our future.... I will lose 12 kilos by next Christmas.
I hated the way I looked in our christmas photos this year.  Next year I want to smile and be proud in the photos of these incredibly special moments.
My dear friend knows about my struggle with committing to a goal - so she sent me the SMART goals outline - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results Orientated, Timebound.  So here is my SMART goal analysis.... 
S - Specific  : I will lose 12 kg by changing my diet and lifestyle in a way which I consider sustainable as a long term healthy way of living.
M - Measureable :  My target is 12 kg body weight.  I am doing body measurements at the gym next week so I will form some concrete body shape goals as well then.
A - Achievable : 12 kgs over 12 months is a realistic rate of sustainable weight loss which will allow for some periods of "time out" or reward for hard work without the overall goal being threatened.
R - Results Oriented : It’s the result that counts, not the intent. No excuses. No rewards for "being good" unless it shows on the scales.
T - Timebound :  I am not doing a radical 12 week program, or expecting immediate miracles.  Over 12 months I will change my lifestyle and set new habits and patterns for myself and my family.  But I have a specific time target - I can clearly visualise Christmas Day next year... me, 12 kilos smaller and feeling proud - celebrating not just my child's second christmas, but my own success - celebrating my self honouring, my commitment to myself and my health, my ability to set a goal and do what it takes to reach it.

This I will do.

This I pledge.

Monday, December 28, 2009

my baby's first tooth!


So my baby got her first tooth today!  After almost 6 months of dribbly crying and gumming furiously... the first little milestone is finally here... oh time...it does pass... these are the days!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

and sleeping babes lie....
















So there is really nothing quite like holding your sleeping baby in your arms, drifting off yourself in the deliciousness of the feeling.... Sadly this night I was holding her to sooth the hacking cough that made our lives a little sadder for a few days... but what ever the reason - the sensation cannot be described really.  It is primal, it is instinctive, it is melted chocolate....

Who's the cutey??


We are starting young in a career of self adoration....

Monday, December 21, 2009

smiles...



Moment of gratuitous cuteness #7957
Really needs no explanation... My humble words pale into irrelevance - how can you beat that smile??  (although the little one behind clearly doesn't get the joke!)

my little jailbird....


Moment of gratuitous cuteness #7694
I don't really keep her in jail... don't believe a word she says!  ...But note the fabulously coordinated bubba dyke christmas outfit - nothing like red and green bonds singlets layered to make a statement :-)

and off she goes!












So I am finding it harder and harder to keep up with my little motor mouse!   She has found her knees and is not afraid to use them... blink and she is gone.  This is a child who takes on life head first.... this is a child who throws herself into everything... this is a child who opens the pantry door, pulls out all the bottles and tries to crawl into the cupboard.... at 8 months... heaven help me!  Its so fortunate, for her, that she is heart stoppingly cute while being shockingly naughty!  The adventures are just beginning..... help! 

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

from my facebook friend...

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there
– Bob Marley. (via quote-book) (via treehousestories)

Does everyone love beetroot?? Yummm edible body paint :-)

The most special gift ever


So last night I wrapped gifts for my little girl... I am filled with bubbles of happiness.  Year upon year I have dreamed of the day that I would share my first Christmas with my own child.  And now the time is here.  My little family of three has become a whole different world.  I can scarcely believe it is really going to be happening - that this Christmas is the start of a whole new life of Christmases shared with my little angel.  No matter what is under the tree with my name on it, nothing will ever compare to the gift of this... joy of joys... the imagining of each year getting more and more exciting as she grows and understands and participates makes my heart sing.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Where oh where have you gone...my little baby child

So recently my little munchkin stood up unsupported... she was holding onto a coffee table, playing with a toy, lifted up the toy to her mouth and let go of the table... and stood.  How did this happen?  How did that wee helpless little bundle with the floppy head and fingers smaller than should be humanly possible morph into this little creature.  She is a joy and a delight... delicate and small I know, but to me she looks so big!  Her little personality is bursting forth, and boy oh boy its a strong one.  Determined.  Willfull.  Headstrong.  Holy Crap.

My little ram is running at the world full tilt and letting nothing come in her way... she literally head-butts any foolish piece of furniture which tries to intervene in her journey.  Oh my little one... life moves so fast, the world is rushing towards you... pause a while if you please - mummy needs time to adjust!