Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Inspirational words No. 70988

So recently I found this quote on a card.... and for me it sums up my current life learning goal....
I hope it inspires you also.

Peace.... it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work ...it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.


and here are a few others that I like.... just for kicks :-)

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
— Abraham Lincoln

Men are disturbed, not by things that happen, but by their opinion of things that happen.
— Epictetus

Look to this day for it is life.
In its brief course lie all the realities and truths of existence,
the joy of growth, the glory of action, the splendor of beauty…
Today, well lived,
makes every yesterday a memory of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.
— ancient Sanskrit proverb


In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.
Albert Schweitzer


Men spend their lives in anticipations,in determining to be vastly happy at some period when they have time. But the present time has one advantage over every otherit is our own. Past opportunities are gone, future have not come. We may lay in a stock of pleasures, as we would lay in a stock of wine; but if we defer the tasting of them too long, we shall find that both are soured by age.
Charles Caleb Colton

Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though 'twere his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe








and not a turkey in sight....


So my life has a rapidly increasing sense of being even more surreal than usual....
I spent Christmas day enjoying fabulous gourmet spelt and ricotta pancakes with my parents and my sperm donor. We had a fabulous feast, and my pun-loving pa valiantly resisted the urge to make any references to christmas turkey basters, or "pass the sperm, I mean salt, please"... All a little odd, yet also so normal...even with my mum wearing her new bikini babe apron.... We then walked on the beach in the cold (?) blustery wind, talked through sperm mobility, HIV and his recent sex life... then had coffee and flourless traditional Christmas cake before my parents and I went off to see our Tibetan Lama, Geshe Tashi Tsering, for dinner of pizza and green tea.

Not exactly a "normal" family Christmas :-)

But in the spirit of the season... if you are reading this then you know that you are likely to be someone special to me... or special to someone who is special to me.... and this time of year more than any is a ritualised appreciation of the people we love, the people who have been part of who we are and the journey of our lives... and as I sit here with sporadic taste reminders of the garlic in my donor's yummy tahini dip of yesterday...so too I have little bubbles of memories of people popping in my mind.... some of you I am still close to and some I have lost contact with for now. But the incredible thing is how much I have learned from each of you. I think back on my moment recently when I realised anew that where I am in the outside world is immaterial because I carry who I am and all of my life experiences within me.... and I sit here with spontaneous thoughts of the wonderful gifts that people have individually given me...
Some that come to mind randomly include :

Linda - you gave me the gift of learning that true friendship can be steadfast and not waver with time and circumstances, it is quality of heart connection that matters.
Cal - many years ago you taught me to accept myself and to focus less on trying to fit others' expectations, because you had none of me, and wore none of other peoples. Reconnecting with you recently has given me a gift of once again experiencing that, in life, anything is possible.
Zohar - you have given me the gift of the courage to be brave in expressing myself with authenticity and truth, and to trust in others acceptance of the honest me. You have taught me that authenticity of self means not acting a role but being completely present in a given moment... and that genuine heart caring for another can stand strong without the need for wrappings of practicality, time, place or constancy.
Kath - you gave me the precious gift of knowing that I am better than I sometimes think I am, at the same time as teaching me to be better than I thought I could be... being your friend is one of the proudest achievements in my life.
Sharyn - you taught me to stand on my own feet, to be strong in myself in the presence of another, and to commit to what I believe in without settling for mediocrity or laziness
Marina - you taught me that it is possible to love another more than yourself, without doubt, knowing their strengths and their weaknesses and loving them unconditionally....and through your journey I have learned the importance of knowing myself and holding onto that truth.
Jen - by chasing your dreams and realising them you have taught me to keep trying and stay positive and eventually I too will find a life of simple satisfaction. And through it all your effusive warmth shows that expressing genuine caring towards others takes but a moment but the effects can last a lifetime.
Fe - you have taught me to trust in honest loyal friendship, and have inspired me with what one person can achieve with a bit of organisational skill :-) You teach me and others that we are often limited only by our own lack of faith in ourselves, and actually we can achieve much more than we often think we can.... and, with a little effort and focus, still have a balanced creative life.
Jeff - you have shown me the value of the walking the middle path, while extremity can be exciting, it is often nobler and much more satisfying to put aside ego and enjoy simple life pleasures
Lisa - you gave me a gift of knowing that sometimes a small gesture of kindness, of thoughfulness, means more than the most expensive presents in the world... and gives to the giver in kind...
Houston - your gift to me has been to value communication as it is our relationships with people that are the rich flavour of our life, and a life loving others and being loved is a life well lived.

and there are many many more of course.... these are but a few thought bubbles that popped in my head while I was typing.... If you are not on this little wee sample list please believe that you are indeed in my mind.... but this would ramble on for hours and hours if I attempted to tell you all how incredible and amazing you are....and I would be unwrapping until next Christmas if I was ever able to take true stock of the piles of invaluable gifts you have given me....

I wonder what gifts I have laid under peoples life tree over the years... I hope you have enjoyed them!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Here we go up the duff together… duff together…duff together….


So a couple of people have commented on my openness in deciding to put the process of my journey towards pregnancy on my blog. So I thought I would explain… in case, heaven forbid, anyone should think it is pure self indulgence 
I have lots of reasons…
- Firstly…. Its exciting…. I want to share with my dear ones the journey towards finally achieving a dream that I have bored you all silly with for years….
And lets face it – I am not an exotic aid worker any more – I am living in suburban Brisbane now…(well, I will be once I actually move in and unpack…) Apart from this adventure my answers to the old “what are you up to…?” question might get a bit snoozy from here for a while.
- Secondly…. If this works I’m gonna need and want you, my nearest and dearest, as extended family. As you know, I’m a bit short on the usual forms of support, but my heart swells to know that you who take the time to read this are walking with me along the way… and I hope you will be there to celebrate and share with me in getting to know the new little person whose life is the result of this journey. With you around I am sure he/she will feel as loved and supported by you all as I have…
- Thirdly … if this does not work I’m gonna need and want you… my nearest and dearest….to hold my hand. If I can’t get pregnant, or if I do get pregnant and the child doesn’t survive (a real risk and everyday occurrence)…well, its gonna be a rough time and it will really help me to know that my loved ones have walked the path alongside me and know what is going on.
- On a practical level – there is so much information swimming around, options to explore, ideas and choices… putting it on my blog helps me clarify things in my head and saves me telling the same story over and over in phone calls and emails…. I’m getting sick of my own voice talking about it incessantly…already!
- And finally, some of you out there are thinking of taking a similar journey… some are starting to think about steps… some are just thinking about the options and possibilities… I hope my learning and exploring through this helps you to clarify your own journeys.

So… if you are up for the ride… stay tuned and I will endeavour to make the journey a shared one…. Unless I am too busy vomiting at some points (fingers crossed!) 

And just what does “up the duff” mean anyway??

Please click below and comment any time you like…. I welcome your input and thoughts and reactions….

Friday, December 21, 2007

Taking steps....


So I met with my potential donor... over greek salad and laksa we had a Frank and Frannie discussion... at the next table two veeeery Awshtraaalyan women slowly got tipsy on red wine and our conversation :-)
Happily my donor comes from a culture that is famous for being very direct in their manner of communicating :-) so we were able to get our cards out on the table, shuffle them around vigorously, and come up with the feeling that we did essentially agree on the principles of the thing...
We went over the differences between being a donor and being a father... explored questions of whether making a baby you take no responsiblity for is a spectacularly generous gift... or irresponsible parenting... we talked about potential future relationships.... bottom lines and pipe dreams. And we agreed that the basic premise is its a gift of sperm... I am the mother, the parent, and I have full responsiblity and all parenting rights. He gets to know he has done a great thing, and the knowledge that there is a child in the world that is part of him....And the child gets to know who and where he/she came from....anything beyond that is a bonus if it goes well....
If my son/daughter child wants contact, if I am ok with it and if he is ok with it then he can form a relationship with him/her... visit sometimes if we are in the same country...
We went over the gory details... And to all those who have asked me and all those who want to but haven't... NO WE ARE NOT PLANNING TO HAVE SEX. This is ethically and legally a whole different kettle of sperm to artificial insemination. A baby conceived by sexual intercourse is legally in a very different position to a baby conceived by artificial insemination - even the home turkey type. By the way - people don't really use turkey basters anymore... but I must admit it has a nicer ring to it than "syringe baby"... more festive, less sharp... I guess :-) So... now that is out of the way... where was I?
Oh yes... we went over bits and bobs of how, when, what.... and how we fit in with both of us going overseas in the next few months... and we talked about legal bits, contracts etc
And well... agreed that we were both interested in continuing the conversation over a plastic cup or two ... he he... well continuing the conversation anyway. So off I have gone to do research on the current state of legalities and ensure that all is in order.
Legally where do we stand? Well its pretty easy really - QLD does not have any legislation... Nothing. Nothing has been written... buuuuut there are legal precedents from the Family Law Court.... and there is some legislation in other states... and in the absence of legislation there are the good ol' Reproductive Technology Accreditation Committee Guidelines which inform fertility services practice... These are the people who so protected my rights that they prevent me from signing a waiver to allow the clinic to use fresh sperm. Thanks guys.... Anyway.... So anyone who wants to know more about it all - email me and I am happy to send you my summary sheets, just a little something I prepared earlier.... If you are keen to start learning more...Here is one discussion paper for bed-time reading :
http://www.lawreform.vic.gov.au/CA256902000FE154/Lookup/
Assisted_Reproductive_Technology_and_Adoption/$file/
ART_Surrogacy_and_Legal_Parentage.pdf) Lots of riveting reading.

Fancy a contract or two to peruse in a spare moment ? Try http://www.knowndonor.com/contract.php
Or you may prefer the step by step DIY sites? Something to cosy up with on a lie-in morning... ( eg http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/homeinsem.html)
And I have much much more :-) Did you know that there are lots of different kinds of DIY insemination kits that you can buy with a click of a button? They come with your very own plastic cup :-)
Isn't the internet a fabulous thing????

So that is where we are up to.... we have agreed in principle... and now we are gathering the legal and technical bits... arranging tests... step by step....

Smiles to all :-)

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

And so the big journey begins....

Warning .... the following posting contains graphic language and really bad sperm puns... don't read on if you are sensitive....

And so it starts....
The quest for a child... the realisation of my long nurtured hopes..... the fulfillment of the inner ache that has refused to be silent all these years.... the unfathomable miracle of creating a person.... the joy of unconditional love for another..... I can give some rational reasons for being so keen on having a child...but mostly its a blind instinctual wanting....
and now I am taking steps on the path. Its terrifying and thrilling and really sad (that I am doing this alone) and so joyful all at once.
I have a potential donor and I am hoping to talk to him tonight about the idea... and yesterday I had my first appointment with a doctor at the fertility clinic.

There was bad news.
It seems that some legislation has changed. Women used to be able to sign a waiver exempting the clinic from the responsibility of ensuring that a known donor is HIV negative. This is no longer allowed. Seems reasonable... but the repercussion of this is that it is no longer possible to do medical insemination with unfrozen sperm from a known donor. Many of you will know that there is a 3-6 month window period in which HIV may not be detected following infection. So in order for a clinic to ensure that a sample is HIV free, it must be frozen and held for 6 months while the donor is tested at 3 months and again at 6 months. If they remain HIV negative then it can be assured that the sample taken 6 months ago was safe.
This may seem like a simple matter of patience... but it gets worse. Frozen sperm often just don't swim so well when defrosted... can't blame the poor dears really... must be a traumatic experience... bloody cold and for a really long time.... and then expected to suddenly do strenuous exercise?? In the word of Micky Blue Eyes... "forgedaboudid"...
Soooo given that I am OLD... and the poor shivering sperm... my chances of pregnancy in using this method are oooh, less than 20%. Apparently. Humph.
Sooooo here are my choices... wait 6 months and then take a slim chance.... (the only slim thing around here at the moment!)
or - wait 6 months and then do IVF.... which increases my chance to a chubbier 40%.... Buuuuut.... I cast no aspersions on others... but I am struggling to get my head around the idea of creating a dish full of little embryos and then flushing the unused ones..... just doesn't sit well in my heart....
or - use American sperm.... apparently they pay donors... so apparently college dudes are queuing around the block to disseminate their wee swimmers.... so there they can be really picky and only take...well... the cream of the crop.... roughly the top .9%.... only the super athletic little fellas who say "cold? pah, what's a bit of freezing between friends...lemme at that egg". Now I dunno about you... but I saw a show recently about college dudes queuing up to be in college porn too... and I gotta tell you.... it was not attractive. And sure - you get a photo, and they agree to be contactable when the child is 18... but seriously ? what is the chance of tracking down some yankie somewhere in America and saying hey... I am the fruit of your prodigious swimmers... tell me about yourself !! And of course... its expensive.... olympic swimmers don't come cheap (he he).
Or ... go the turkey baster at home.... as if I didn't feel alone enough in all this - now I don't even get to have a doctor holding my hand! Gees. And I gotta do all that oocky stuff myself... The lovely doctor was so clean and neat.... sigh.

So... Step one.... decision making.
Sigh. Never was good at them...

Stay tuned...
Feel free to comment....

Monday, December 17, 2007

Ah Dalesford....


So I escaped...
After the overwhelming over-stimulation of the big city... I ran away and had a blissful 5 days in gorgeous Dalesford... A picturesque stone cottage, surrounded by daisies and roses... over looking a little pool of water with a family of ducks piddle-paddling around... kangaroos munching across the banks... pine trees swaying in the breeze sending wafts of clean scent through the air... evenings cool enough for the deeply peaceful crackle of an open fire... good company, great food, tasty red wine, music and conversation... my idea of a heavenly moment....
And as I meditated on the grass, by the water, near the ducks and surrounded by flowers... I had a beautiful moment in which the world dissolved into energy molecules, and I realised that everything around me, from the trees to the gentle breeze that passed over my skin was the made of the same energy, just in different forms... and I was a part of everything and all was part of me...
Thank you Dalesford for helping me find inner balance again... Thank you to my lovely friend Zohar for her overflowing generosity and for making it all happen....

Eat-fest... rediscovering the joy of cooking...



So I am expanding in size remarkably...






But I have rediscovered the joy of cooking... ah the simple bliss of a supermarket! ah the ingredients! The things that are taken for granted in this civilized world of finger snapping availability... Its enough to turn a girl to pots, and into a pot!
Ah the delights... lentil and caramelised onion patties with roasted capsicum and minted yogurt.... buckwheat crepes with asparagus, goats cheese, and shakshuka... crispy tangy green salad with gooseberries and cucumber... I have been eating my way around the country.... mmmmm I think I am hungry again....

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Where ever I go...there I am...

Over the last 5 weeks I have not spent more than 5 nights in one place... Its no wonder I have times of feeling dislocated, lacking a sense of belonging anywhere... but today I picked up a frangipani and put it in my hair, just like I did in Fiji... and I realised in that moment that the physical place is immaterial... I am still the same self...the same woman who wore frangipani's in her hair in the tropical heat... though the outside world keeps rapidly changing around me, all of my experiences, thoughts, strengths... the things that make me the person I am...they all come with me. Though my senses are full of difference, inside is an oasis of constancy. My past is not lost, all is stored and becomes a part of me... and I carry it forward on my journey. This was comforting to me.
(of course in a big picture sense the self is constantly changing and evolving, and in a Buddhist sense the self does not inherently exist... :-) but for this moment I am happy with a sense of the constancy of my inner world in comparison to my outer!)

Saturday, December 8, 2007

The Gals Reunited...


How lovely it has been to see my AVI pals in Sydney and in Melbourne... such a fantastic link to the other world, the past... to remind me that all that was really real.
Like all memories of experiences, good and bad, things that once absorbed and filled my mind and time now start to slip and slide away into the fog of remembrance... its unstoppable, no matter how much we want to hold onto things... time moves inexorably on and the only constant is change.
A good thing to remember when the going gets tough, though almost impossible.... all things pass and when they are past they gradually, unavoidably, sneakily lose solidity, become opaque then transparent... then a gentle sense of something that once was but it no more. Such is the nature of experience... for better or worse....only the now has any real hold.
Still.... thanks for the memories wonderful women... and may we create many more nows!

We are family, I got all my.... um.... cousins... and me....


Hey Look!
I have Family! wow....
A novel experience in the life of an only child of an only child... The few family members I have are customarily spread across the western world... Family Christmases are pretty small in my world. My cousin's wedding was, hopefully, my only experience of being at the "family table"... with the exception of course of the wedding of my 81 year old Grandfather a few years ago. I'm afraid on that occasion the incredulity of the event rather dwarfed the sensation of "family-ness". Throughout my life I have listened to people gushing, moaning, disregarding, celebrating, and generally living the experience of being part of a diverse family group. As I grow older my sense of contrast grows stronger... I simply cannot imagine what it is like to have siblings, to be part of a big network, a clan.... so it was delightful to be part of my gorgeous cousin's wedding... and aren't they gorgeous... the blushing groom, the stunning bride, her brother and his child and wife, and my uncle and aunt... yep... real live family all under one roof.... wow.

welcome home mum!



Someone was very happy to see me! And how happy I was to get me some good ol' sloppy stella kisses :-)

Its "Art" Beryl...


I was happily in time for the Bondi to Bronte sculpture walk in Sydney just after I arrived.... Always a fabulous experience to combine a natural world that is art in its purest sense, I think, with the odd creations of people. Some were quirky, some were strange, some worked with the land and some...well... points for trying :-)
The one that interested me most was a set of three photos printed on glass panels... each was a photo of the exact coastline view behind the panel. It was such a deliciously obvious yet wonderfully novel comment, and I could relate strongly to the experience. I know that I often invest much more of my energy into an image of an experience than I do to directly experiencing the moment. I see something and somehow I cannot fully experience it unless I capture its image... and I look more closely at my photos of a thing than I do at the thing itself. The created image is like an intermediary that makes the enormity of real experience digestible, gives it to me in a packaged, capsuled form that is easier to swallow...easier for my mind to accept... it is framed, held, reduced, made into something that I control, store, shelve rather than something intangible that flows over and through me. We see so much of the world through a lens, its also familiarly comfortable... we sit and watch the world on TV, DVD, in a boxed format... Somehow reality is just too big and uncontrollable... we can't edit it or switch it off.... Unfortunately I didn't take a photo of the photos though :-)

Peas on Earth... he he

From shore to shining shore...


What a difference a wave makes... its such a dramatically different mood on an Australian beach compared to the shores of my tropical sojourn. The beach at my parents place is wild, wind swept... it makes you feel small and fragile against a back drop of the enormity of nature. After the gentle lap of Fiji's warm soft waters, brimming with tame fish that sparkle as they feed from your fingers, the contrast coming to the cliffs of Moffat Beach made it hard to reconcile that I stood by the same pacific waters. These water molecules that tossed themselves ruthlessly and relentlessly against the rocks til the seeming solidity gave way in acquiescence to a greater power, these were the very same drops that nurtured me as I paddled and pottered in the arm chair peace and clarity of my island retreats. Its a confusing sense of interconnectedness and contrasting juxtaposition of sensation at the same time.
In the soft still waters of Fiji it was easy to feel big, I felt welcomed and swam secure in my place in the prettiness that seemed there for my pleasure... Whereas returning to home shores reminds me again ... I'm a small puny bit of flotsam, irrelevant and transient in the greater play of nature.