Eyes open love...

So my blue-eyed friend has a new blog... and her first post was about love... She asked if you ever feel the same way about later loves as you did about your first intense falling in love experience....
and I posted an answer to her... and I liked it... so I thought I would put it on here as well...

To my twinkly sad eyed friend I said :

"I think that there are two kinds of love at least. There is the intense "rush" love... and there is a gentler love that grows out of mutual respect and genuine affection and caring. I think that the second can be just as powerful as the first, but its intensity sneaks up on you in the quiet moments after you have allowed it the time and space to blossom in its own way. I think of the first as "eyes closed" love and the second as "eyes open" love... because in the first you see no wrong, no doubt, no risk... in the second you see it all as it really is, and love anyway."

I think that eyes closed love must eventually become eyes open love to survive and thrive...
And I think that eyes open love can grow in many places when the ground is fertile and the conditions are right...
I also think that "head-over heals throw caution to the wind damn it all" love can be dangerous... wonderful... but perilous....and it is never the same after the first time you go through it and come out the other side bruised.

More words to live by...

Living with integrity means:

Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships.
Asking for what you want and need from others.
Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.
Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.
Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.

Barbara De Angelis


...spending my work hours finding inspirational quotes... I figure as a happier worker I will be more productive tomorrow ... thats my theory and I am running with it :-)

I like this quote... With each passing relationship over the last couple of years I have emerged with a stronger and stronger sense of the futility of bending myself to fit what I think someone else wants me to be. Its such a hard pattern to overcome... I slippy-slide into it so easily... Being a bit of a plasticine person at the best of times... I am a transient evolving ever adapting kind of organism... the upside is that I assimilate easily into any environment and thrive indiscriminately... the downside is that my fluidity makes me flow into shapes that end up being impossible to maintain...and confusingly insubstantial. Sometimes I get lost in going with the flow and end up in the wrong place...

My concern is : how do I balance the above with my core belief that "it is better to be kind than to be right..." Ah of course... silly me... because being kind needs to be seen in the "longer term good" context rather than just what appeases people in the now.

Thinking out aloud...

Right then... off to do some work :-)

Words to live by....

Marie Curie:
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

James Thurber:
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.


Sounds good to me :-)

Peering in through the looking glass...

So I have been watching myself...
When I first started working as a counsellor, many moons ago...back in the days when people permed instead of straightening... I took it upon myself that I should be able to live the principles that I was aiming to foster in my clients... I figured I "should" be able to rationalise my way out of pretty much any emotional jungle... I mean, as the map holder I admonished myself that it didn't bode well for the party if I got lost myself... So I pummelled and prodded myself into a sort of odd intellectualised rationalised being... I bored myself stupid with terribly controlled and "appropriate" responses to life's pickled beetroot stains and... of course... eventually internally combusted in a big messy gooey heap.
Soooo then I took a stand with myself and, in my way, gave myself a bloody good talking to about being bloody human not a robotic representation of psychotherapeutic theorising... and I made a decision. No longer would I even attempt to be perfectly sane, perfectly rational, perfectly controlled. I realised that it was through my own messy humanity that I was able to approach helping others from a place of authenticity...and it sure did take the pressure off. I decided not to "work" 24 hours a day... I decided that outside of professional hours I would deliberately be as "human" as I needed to be.... and if that was tough going - well I could always see a counsellor myself! Which I did periodically... and I gotta say - life was a WHOLE lot more fun. I pouted when I wanted to, I chucked tantrums when people gave me the shits, I was nutty as a anaphalactic's nightmare when the mood struck me. And its been working for me ever since! Long live the authentic human being! (As my terribly terribly wise friend Kath would say...)

So as I have travelled along through life's hiccups and hurrahs...things have developed, as things do. Now I find that I exist in my emotional world in a kind of split way. I have my internal counsellor - and my internal client... I still allow myself to feel what I feel in a real way...but the same time I step back and observe myself with as much empathic understanding as I can. Its odd and yet comforting and it seems to work. I know I am being petulant, for example, - but I let the mood be, and it passes... kind of like meditation - when you stop fighting the distracted thoughts and just let them arise and fall away...well, they stop battling for total mental domination (wouldn't it be nice if it worked for world politics!).

So I see myself now... and I know that I am grieving... Grieving my little blue eyed family that are mine no more... I feel it and I observe it at the same time...A living kind of curvacious hazel eyed grief cycle...
At first I felt numb (shock)... then I kept thinking that it would all work out somehow and was not really so bad (denial).... then when I kept noticing my depleted key ring I faced facts and in flooded "anger"... (damn it...I deserve so much better than this!). And as I felt my anger I knew that it would pass and that soon, after a brief foray into the temptation to try and bargain my way out of this (perhaps I can find a way to fix things??)... I would need to feel sad (no matter how much one tries to "maintain the rage" it passes as it should)... this morning I felt my sadness start to trickle in.... so I am sitting with it (patting it on the shoulder, making it a cup of tea)...and in it and outside it at the same time... and I know that the next stage is acceptance and moving on... so I am looking forward to that.
And in the nature of it being familiar territory - I know what a grief cycle is and how it works, I know that its a process and it will pass and its normal - and in feeling that I have a map to go by... well, it makes it all less overwhelming and scary.
I know these paths, sure they are bumpy and tough going sometimes... but I have been here before and I am not afraid.

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”

Clarity

In clarity comes peace.

What is "Fun"?

"A source of amusement, enjoyment or pleasure; Enjoyment or amusement; Playful, often noisy, activity; enjoyable, amusing"

Recently I was asked "Are you a fun person?".... and I was taken aback! I stammered! ah...How does one answer that? I would have said "absolutely"... but I had to stop and think... where is the evidence?
A wee squiz through recent blog entries has revealed a strong theme of seriousness and introspection pervading my mind and heart. Ok, so its been a bloody rough few months... I've been through a pretty crappy pile of inner do-do in recent days. Actually, come to think of it... there have been moments of joy and excitement in the last 6-8 months, but apart from that its been a pretty rocky couple of years. Am I fun? Sheesh! Give a girl a chance to crawl out from under life's debris for a minute....

What the hell is "fun" anyway? Is it DOING fun stuff?... getting out and about, having adventures, exploring new horizons, being spontaneous and tossing oneself into the rich sauce of life's pudding? Is it BEING funny?..making jokes, silly voices, witty one-liners and amusing anecdotes? Is it bringing diversity and difference to a dinner table? Is it challenging thought and provoking stimulating ideas? Sheesh....

I suspect perhaps, whilst undoubtably a loveable, sensitive, loyal and caring person... I am perhaps not that fun?? Heavens to Betsy can it be true? Really?? That just doesn't sit right with my sense of my true nature... I sure feel like I "have fun" in life... does that count?

How to answer this question..It plagues me!
So I have started a survey. And to you my dear friends I put the question... give it to me straight (or gay, as the case may be...), squirt me with the grape juice of your reflective judgement, hit me with the good stuff baby...

I mean, if I'm gonna bring some burping, squirting, noisy, stinky blob into the world and turn it into a sparkling social genius - I gotta be able to teach it the really important things in life...

SO I ask you...
Am I fun?
What makes a person fun?

If you want some tips...

How to Be a Fun Person to Be Around

and

How to be More Fun / How to be Less Boring

and the story folds again....

...So many months passed since the first chapter of the story...as the girl made her way down her pathway, through the trees and flowers. And she had many adventures. And as she travelled holding hands with two pairs of twinkly blue eyes, she found she learned lots about new ways of seeing the world... and she learned some new ways of walking on the pathway too... And some of these ways were wonderfully inspiring and made her heart burst into rainbow bird song... And some new ways felt odd and awkward, and she bumped her toes on rocks she hadn't seen before...
Sometimes she felt like dancing and the twinkly eyes danced with her merrily... and sometimes she felt like dancing but when she reached out her hands her little blue eyed friends were not there...and she missed them.
But she kept on walking, sometimes skipping, sometimes dragging her feet. In the times when she dragged her feet the trees around seemed very big and dark and frightening... but then the sunshine would break through... and she and her twinkle blue eyed companions would be vibrant in the warmth of its light. And around her along the path were her sisters too...old family and new... and on the days when the blue eyes would go dark... she would hold out her hands and feel them caught up by dear dancing fingers and the big hearts of her sisters would shine through the darkness to help her find her way...
Then the path became more bumpy for a while... and the girl found that she slowed down...that she stopped admiring the flowers so often because she had to watch for the rocks under her toes... and while she was on the soft silky smooth parts of the path her feet had softened and become sensitive... and now they bruised on the bumps. The girl kept putting one foot in front of the other... but she missed dancing.
And the girl saw her path turning and twisting... and then it branched. Which way should she go? And she saw her beautiful twinkly blue eyed friends disappearing down one pathway hand in hand... not looking back.... and she wanted to call out "wait"... but it seemed that they didn't hear her, not really, they were focussed on the path ahead.

And the girl stopped still and her heart wept.

Nature in its infinite wisdom....

Blah...
I am trying to stay in a place of peacefulness and acceptance...
I have not done another pregnancy test after the negative test earlier this week broke my heart again. I have a little bottle of intense concentrated "wanting" wrapped up inside me. most of the time I just have to keep it tightly stoppered or the vapourous clouds swirl out and fill me up, pervading my days and the space around me. To others I suppose I seem relatively normal on the outside... one could be forgiven for thinking that my life is rolling along as relatively smoothly...that other things are important to me...that I am not overly worrying... which is all true.... while the cork is in the bottle tighly sealing in the fumes of longing....
On Tuesday this week I cracked the seal a little... I sensed life turning, twisting out of my control.... I wanted, I wanted, I wanted.... I wanted a miracle to hold onto. But no. No little blue line. A tiny drop of ink that is so little but would mean so much. Hope, a future, new beginnings, everything being different and shiny and full of dreams come true.
So for now.... I'm trying my best to shove that cork back in, wrap it in cloth... and breath. Let nature takes its course...try not to shake my fist at her and shout "come on damn you! I deserve this one little piece of happiness!"

An ode to friendship

I sit typing on y friend's coputer with a broken letter m
Being in a state of angst and flux in y own life I have sought refuge in the armchair of y dear friendship. When I oved back to brisbane I had an overriding sense of being in the right place and doing the right thing... It felt like a homecoming of sorts... a settling... like settling into your own bed at home on the first night back after a long hard work trip away. Its odd and yet so comforting at the same time. And the most wonderful thing about it - the thing that both creates and reinforces the feelings, is the friendship I have found here.
Last night was a breathing out after a long week of stress, sleeplessness, nervous tension.... y life is turning on its axis and I fled to the arms of dear friends... where I felt received, held and nurtured. I dozed off in an armchair surrounded by chatter, kindness, good food, music, red wine, chocolate and genuine smiles.... what more could I possibly ask for on a cold and emotionally blustery night.
Thank you my dear friends...those who were here last night and those who have called and texted and sent me love in so many beautiful ways.... Thank you from the depths of my heart. If I do nothing ore today than just appreciate and love you back... it will be a good day :-) and I am doing that in bucket loads!!!

Great entertainment!

Oh my - inspiring and hilarious!! GO MATT!!

Where the hell is Matt?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY

And the out-takes made me chuckle out loud...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tT8jA_pps3o&feature=user


thanks to my wonderful donor for sending me this to cheer me up after another negative pregnancy test...
Not counting my chickens as its not quite two weeks yet...but it seems the hen may not have laid again this time...

images to remind us how lucky we are...

So if you are feeling like putting things into perspective in life....

CLICK HERE... TALES FROM THE CRATES
http://dfunkdamager.blogspot.com/2008/07/brutal-new-york-19651995.html

Very moving images which made me feel very glad to be me living my life... and not in one of these photos.

Here are some samples....

More thoughts on love...

So still I find myself pondering the mystery of love...

I think that when you fight with someone and you find yourself more sad for them than for yourself...that must be love.

I think when you find the courage to stay, even when you know you don't need to... that is love.

"The more I give to thee, the more I have.'' - William Shakespeare
Some people see the putting of others needs before their own as a sign of weakness, of compromise, of submissiveness or lack of self esteem. I think it is the most wonderful love possible when it is bestowed on a worthy recipient who will both respect and cherish the gift.

But I guess that sometimes, for some people, love is not enough.

"To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten." - Anonymous

What is love?

So I have been pondering...
The great eternal mystery...
Tonight I watched a DVD "Feast of Love"... "A meditation on love and its various incarnations, set within a community of friends in Oregon. and is described as an exploration of the magical, mysterious and sometimes painful incarnations of love."

I find myself torn when it comes to love - on the one hand I believe that love is a force beyond us, beyond rationality... its a karmic connection... a sense of the world changing shape around two people so that things just make sense in a new way.
On the other hand I have a more pragmatic sense that love is often over romanticised... we grow up believing that we are princesses who will one day find our perfect other halves... but in reality love is made not found... it is born of a willingness to love... it is never perfect, often painful, its wonderful and hard and full of joy and fear and longing and hope and growth and courage.

This quote resonates for me in some ways... "Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it...It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more." - Erica Jong

and I like this little one "Love is friendship set on fire." - unknown

I agree in some ways that "We love because it's the only true adventure." - Nikki Giovanni

And this one rings cynical but true : "Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." - Peter Ustinov

And in the comedy of this there is truth... "To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down." - Woody Allen,

And this one reminds me loving someone is not necessarily about finding that someone special, but it is about seeing the special in someone...

"To laugh often and love much... to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to give one's self... this is to have succeeded." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The mind determines what is possible. The heart surpasses it.'' - Pilar Colinta. Sometimes love surprises intellect... and leaves it in the dust trail...

Random musings on love...
No answers...
Just thoughts...

Difference and Similarity

What is my focus in life?
Aquarians are known for their fascination with the unusual, the interesting, the different. Apparently...
Apparently we tend to collect a motley crew of odd and diverse friends...
Apparently we tend to be drawn towards and interested in the unusual and unique in life....
I have been thinking quite a bit about difference recently... I have been thinking about the confronting experience of standing in the face of another's difference and holding onto yourself, without fear of losing yourself, without self or other judgement, without seeking to merge or find homeostasis... and in the face of that difference the challenge is to find its strength... and to find your own strength... and to find a place where the two meet in harmony to create a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts...
I realise that biologically we are probably programmed to seek similarity... its a survival instinct... things that are like us are A) less likely to eat us... B) useful to hide amongst from other things that would like to eat us... C) more likely to help us find the things we like to eat and D) more likely to have sex with us.
Yet at the same time it is biodiversity that ensures our survival as a global community... once we move beyond the survival of just ourselves, and beyond the survival of just our species... it is difference that is necessary for the survival of all....
So in the small picture it seems to be similarity that ensures our survival, but in the big picture it is difference that we need.

Difference is unavoidable...
What matters is how we view the difference...
Whether we compete or collaborate...
Whether we are challenged or supported by it...
Whether we allow it to compliment us and elevate us, or condemn and belittle us...
Whether we reject it, tolerate it or celebrate it...

the we inside of me...

I love this video...

Jill Bolte Taylor's talk

Its fascinating...

Brain researcher Jill Bolte Taylor studied her own stroke as it happened -- and has become a powerful voice for brain recovery.

Whats in a name?

I grew up with a name I didn't like...
I didn't really notice when I was young of course... but as I got older I started to cringe when introducing myself... I waited for the inevitable looks of puzzlement, and the same stupid questions... over and over...
I cringed in doctors offices or anywhere that called you by name... they always mispronounced my name... I used to feel people staring at me wondering about my unusual name
I started to try out different names... trying them on for size... trying to find something that felt like me...
When I found Rhianon I was thrilled - it just fitted...

Choosing a name for another person is a huge responsibility. A name is both merely a label, and an essential aspect of a person's identity... its nothing and everything...

So I have been thinking about children's names for all of my adult life... playing with them in my mouth... and now as I start to get closer to the reality of having a child I of course start thinking more seriously about it... My dad says I am being premature, but hey...these are the fun bits right? More fun than all the doctors and needles and syringes...

So I am tossing around some ideas... all feedback welcome - though of course ultimately its gotta feel right coming out of my mouth... and I will possibly throw all ideas out the window in the face of the real little person - they may come with their own name written all over them...

So for a boy...the current favourite is

Jackson Tomas Vichta

and a girl...

Sara Isabella Vichta
or
Saraya Bella Vichta
or
Sara Sophia Vichta

What do you think?

three is a lovely number....

So where am I today?
On the sunshine coast... I went in to my clinic yesterday for a blood test to see how far off my ovulation would be... hoping it might be on Sunday - since that would have suited my social schedule :-) But lo... I got the call at lunch time to say that my eggs were primed and ready to pop... so in the car I jumped and down the long highway I sped... and onto the floor of my donors lounge room I plopped... and try three is underway :-)
So now I sit attempting to "work from home" with the full glory of the ocean spread before me outside of the windows of my parents beachside apartment... and somehow the little details of life seem insubstantial.

I had a beautiful moment this time... aside from the technicalities of negotiating the jar and syringe :-) As I lay on the floor with my feet up, resting my hands gently on my belly... I was doing as my my wonderful chinese healer recommended and projecting love through my hands into my organs... and suddenly in my hands I could feel a child... I could feel a round soft head, a bundled up little body... I could feel her/his weight against my fingers and belly... and I slipped into a semi-dream like state simply enjoying the sensation...
Just lovely...

Try three feels much happier than try two... and much less anxious than try one... as with friends and wise women, they just get more lovely with the passing of time :-)