I've been reading Donna's Story.... Each day for the month of September, cancer awareness month, Donna's amazing mum is telling another chapter of the 31 month story of Donna's illness. Its so beautifully, simply, unashamedly, honestly written and it moves me to tears.
This story taps into my greatest fear... the anticipatory fear I had before I had my child, the fear that grips me every night before I go to sleep and every day in every precious perfect moment of childish sticky yumminess. The fear is always there... sometimes echoing loudly around a mind absorbed by it... sometimes silently tick-tocking, keeping time in the background of life.
I fear that I am too lucky, that my chances of actually having the perfect little girl I always wanted are so slim that really, something's gotta go wrong to take it all away. I feel like I am constantly living on borrowed time, making the most of every day before the dream turns on a dime and becomes a nightmare. Every day I check my daughters beautiful creamy skin for unexplained bruises. Every day I listen to her speach for slurring. Every day I watch her balance, her fine motor skills. Every day I monitor her moods, her growth and learning. Every day I wait and I fear... and I hope like hell that I will look back in 20 years and laugh that I had this fear.... Of course then I will have a thousand other fears to keep me amused.
But the up-side of this fear is that it makes me a better mum. In the moments when I am tired, distracted, would love to have time to myself, frustrated, angry, and all the other less favourable moods that go along parenting a toddler I have in the back of my mind the reminder that I want to make sure I make the most of every moment. I don't ever want to have the worst happen and look back and wish I had appreciated her more when I had her. The knowledge that everything we love in life is fragile and imperminent is a continual teaching to me to be more patient, make more effort, be more attentive, less selfish, to give with all my heart and take joy in every rewarding smile.
Thank you, Donna's mum, for helping me be a better mum and a better person.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
counting down the days
So I am mere days away from my third and final round of the 12wbt. And sheesh, I ain't looking forward to it. Yes I want the results... I need to lose another 8-10 kg to feel really really HOT. And I really would like to feel really really HOT in a bikini on the beach in tropical paradise. Not sure who I will be impressing... but there is always that HOT chick in the mirror to check out.
I know these diets are supposed to be a permanent life change... not just a short term weight loss fix. And absolutely - a lot of things have changed for me in a way that is not just a 12 week whirlwind romance relationship with change. I have actually started to want to go to the gym and zumba and stuff without jumping at any excuse not to. I definitely trust that it makes me feel good... and that is a big attitudinal shift. I am also much more aware of portion sizes and daily calorie intake amounts, even if I don't always stick to it. But as for the program being a permanent way of life... not likely. I am afraid that I am still in the mindset of wanting to dive headfirst into a cheesecake as soon as the 12 weeks are up. And I am still in the unfortunate mindset of "making the most of it" between rounds of the program.
Thus, I have put on 2 kg between each round of the program. So I lost 8, put on 2, lost 5, put on 1.5... meaning I sit here 9.5 kg lighter - but having done the hard yards to lose 13kg! Bugger!
So I am going to give it another red hot shot. I am not really sure that I want to... not really sure where I am going to dig out the motivation... and not really sure that my love affair with chocolate that has blossomed in the last few weeks is really ready for the graveyard.
I'm giving up so much at the moment - packing up my house, giving away my things, leaving my ex-lover behind, leaving my job, leaving friends and family, leaving my routines and my parks and my cafes and my whole relatively happy little lifestyle... I seriously have to break up with my mate freddo too??
Sheesh
I know these diets are supposed to be a permanent life change... not just a short term weight loss fix. And absolutely - a lot of things have changed for me in a way that is not just a 12 week whirlwind romance relationship with change. I have actually started to want to go to the gym and zumba and stuff without jumping at any excuse not to. I definitely trust that it makes me feel good... and that is a big attitudinal shift. I am also much more aware of portion sizes and daily calorie intake amounts, even if I don't always stick to it. But as for the program being a permanent way of life... not likely. I am afraid that I am still in the mindset of wanting to dive headfirst into a cheesecake as soon as the 12 weeks are up. And I am still in the unfortunate mindset of "making the most of it" between rounds of the program.
Thus, I have put on 2 kg between each round of the program. So I lost 8, put on 2, lost 5, put on 1.5... meaning I sit here 9.5 kg lighter - but having done the hard yards to lose 13kg! Bugger!So I am going to give it another red hot shot. I am not really sure that I want to... not really sure where I am going to dig out the motivation... and not really sure that my love affair with chocolate that has blossomed in the last few weeks is really ready for the graveyard.
I'm giving up so much at the moment - packing up my house, giving away my things, leaving my ex-lover behind, leaving my job, leaving friends and family, leaving my routines and my parks and my cafes and my whole relatively happy little lifestyle... I seriously have to break up with my mate freddo too??
Sheesh
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