My friend

I have a friend.  I have a friend who inspires me.  She is not perfect.  She is not superwoman (much as she may like to think she is).  And life has not been kind to her along her path.  My friend has defied the odds by having some really really crap stuff happen in her life.  The kind of crap that you tell yourself just should not all happen to one person... its just not fair.  The reason my friend inspires me though, is because somehow she keeps on going.  Because she can tell me about the latest massive crisis in her life, one which once again threatens every part of her life, and in the next breath tell me about the fabulous tomato soup she made from her veggie garden.  My friend inspires me to try to be a better person, a stronger, more together person.  When I feel sorry for myself, when I feel a bit "why me-ish", I remember her and I pick myself up, slap myself gently about the ears and remind my petulant self that life could be harder, much harder.  Knowing my friend has given me an incredible appreciation for how incredibly fortunate I am every day of my life.  Knowing my friend has given me the opportunity to let go of thinking about how things could be better, more, stronger, different... and to appreciate things just as they are.  Knowing my friend has helped me let go of excuses for why my life is not different, and to focus on the awareness that I have chosen to make my life just as it is... it has not just happened to me, and nothing prevents me from making it different apart from my own choices.  My friend has faced the crap and chosen to make her life just as she wants it to be anyway.  My friend thinks she can, so she can.  My friend is on a constant drive to be better, do better, live better... even when the life's storms buffet her in their gales of misfortune.  My friend recycles, conserves water, makes her own food from scratch instead of buying processed products, grows her own fruit and veggies, runs a water-tight budget, has chickens, landscapes her property, works full time in a high powered job, studies, invests wisely, plans for the future, raises an adorable child single handedly, looks after her extended family, is always there for her friends, and excels at all she does.  All this while bravely facing the extremes of life's battles - battles which would fell we lesser folk in one blow.  My friend is slightly intimidatingly accomplished, yet human, humble and real.
I think back on my years as a counsellor and about the way that most of my clients brought in lives destroyed by much lesser obstacles than she has faced.  I think about people I know, and myself, and how we take our woes so seriously... yet my friend who faces such a multitude of them somehow keeps smiling, doesn't give in, lives in the moment and keeps on keeping on.
Thank you my friend - for being my friend, and for reminding me that the nature of our experiences are so much a product of perspective.  Thank you, my friend, for sharing your lion heart with me.

wecome to blog land, a strange and wonderful place

So recently I have been discovering the strange landscape of the blog world.  I had no concept of blogging as a phenomenon when I started writing this one.  I started so that I could share travel photos with friends in a creative format.  I then kept going because I discovered that I enjoyed the process of sharing my personal life journey for several different reasons.  Firstly because I hoped that if I shared it, and others found it somehow useful or inspiring or thought provoking, then it would give a layer of meaning to my meanderings through the valleys and peaks of this strange journey of life I find myself upon.  Secondly it helped me to process and understand my own thoughts and feelings better because, unlike a personal journal, when blogging I had to consider not just my own thoughts but how others may react or see them.  In stepping back a little and restructuring my thinking into blog format I was able to step back emotionally and experience a change in perspective on the issue.  Thirdly it allows me a creative outlet in times when my daily hours are somewhat occupied by the demands and chores of life. In this way blogging is "my time" in a very public way.  Fourthly I blog so that the people I know who read it can know a little of where I am up to without me needing to have long and involved phone conversations with each of them individually.  Its a strange new cyber world, but reading each others blogs is sometimes our most personal interaction over the week. 
Since the birth of my child I have straddled the divide between blogging as a forum for sharing of thoughts and ideas, and blog-boasting about how cute my kid is.  This is a fifth reason for blogging - it is a collection of images of the important times in my life that are held together for safe-keeping (as safe as cyber world is). 
Recently I have become more interested and connected to reading other "professional" blogs.  I was somewhat surprised and interested to realise that there is a whole culture of bloggers out there... there is blog-language, common and successful blog-formats, and a competition to secure followers/subscribers.  And the blogs are highly professional, representing huge hours of work and a significant commitment to creating a popular product.  They are fun and funny, and there are even awards for all different types - including the MADS - the Mums and Dads blogging awards for people who write with great wit and humanity about the trials and tribulations of the parenting experience. 
I am not in that league in the slightest.  My blog is lacking in theme, patchy, messy and too personal.  I swing between personal sharing in journal style, to holiday snaps, to kid snaps, to philosophising, to requoting things of interest that I find on-line...
But its mine, and so it is like me... contradictory, colourful, genuine, messy, distracted, sometimes funny (oh yes I am!) sometimes sad, thoughtful, reactive, passionate, loving, unclear of what it wants to be in life but somehow plodding forward and working it out as it goes along.
Recently I have noticed some subscribers to my blog who I don't know... and I found this terribly thrilling!  Half of my friends in the real world don't bother to read my scribblings so I am honoured that anyone out there in blogger land would take the time.  To all those who read me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart - you make it all worth while.  I want to tell you that I will try to be more consistent, to stick to a theme, to become more professional and refined...but really - its likely to go the way of my recent weight loss pledge - and the less said about that the better at the moment!
Smiles to all

procrastination tips

So I logged in to the website of my university to submit a request for extension on my final assignment... the house of sickness is not a conducive work space at the moment, sadly...
And I discovered, in my fevered flipping through pages looking for the elusive link to the multi-page contact, conditions, documentation and rational paper that must be completed for said 1 week extension (it takes longer to do the application than it would to do the assignment) that the university newsletter features an article on how to overcome procrastination...
Ah!  This should be good for a read!  If nothing else its another great way to procrastinate actually doing any work!  Ah what gems of wisdom it contained...
Such pearls as
Consider “What would I say to a friend if they were in my shoes?”  - well thats easy... I'd say "Get the hell out of my new red knee high boots"... (I love them!) and take my boots out for coffee to console them...
And then there is the case scenario of talking yourself into study instead of going to bed...

You might like to challenge favourite excuses... For example,
“The truth is I’m tired"”.
“My old unhelpful conclusion is that I’m better off doing my assignment later”.
“I can dispute this. I am tired but if I delay this assignment it will worry me all night
and I probably won’t sleep well”.
My new helpful conclusion is that I’ll make a start tonight, just for ten minutes. I’ll
be relieved and probably sleep better.”

In my case I am at his point usually already asleep with my desk carving a lovely new tattoo style scar in my forehead and my drool sticking the O and I together on my keyboard... (I entirely blame my poor spelling on this!).
Sod it - I am going to bed.
Night!

Procrastination

Prooooooocraaaaaaaaastination!

I have a uni assignment due next week... its a biggie...
I have been working hard, on refining my procrastination skills.... I have cleaned out my angel's drawers and packed away the next round of too smalls... I have baked a tray of berry mini-cheesecakes to take to a dinner party that I am not required to take anything to and at the house of people I don't know.... I have washed every piece of clothing that even thought about being dirty, including the sheets off the spare bed and all the tea towels...I have read an entire novel for the first time since having a baby....I have watched four episodes of charmed on DVD...I have invited a friend for dinner and prepared homemade pesto from the basil in my garden instead of doing something quick and easy.... I have cleaned the stove, watered the garden, repacked the baby bag, arranged to go out for lunch with a friend, sent texts to everyone I know, helped my flower with her work, bought large amounts of groceries I don't need.... etc etc etc  And thats before I even make a start on listing all the wonderful abundance of mummyhood tasks that have now entered my procrastination repertoire...anything that is for the child can be justified before study!
I have, this time, stopped short of alphabetising my spices... but hey, now I have blogging!
(hmmm those spice jars are a little untidy...)
Grrrrr

stuff my kid ruined...

Today I spent a bleary but amusing half an hour perusing the blog "shit my kids ruined"... click to check it out...After the last couple of days its about all my brain can cope with - and it did make me feel better!

...And I realised that I have a perfect example in my sink...

My poor saucepans have taken a beating over years in my kitchen...but this one is one of the best.  Caused by Indi throwing up in bed while I was finally taking a moment to make some food for myself...

http://www.shitmykidsruined.com/

gratuitous cuteness #1987404

it makes the puke-fest sort of bearable...
my child is pretty smart... but not a genius... I am terribly adoring of her, but I am realistic enough to know that she is developing normally...good at some things, a bit challenged by others... she's not special but she is special to me... but there is one thing that I claim as an exulted talent.  She may not be saying full sentences, she may not be walking yet...but she pukes like a trooper... this child has the capacity to fill buckets - if she happened to have one conveniently positioned when she does her sudden exorcist impressions (which has never happened).  She is a fountain... an unusual garden feature though it may be, she could give the stone frog with a hose up his bum a definite run for his money.  The kid can chuck.  We all have our talents...I am hoping this one stays hidden soon!

Let them eat dirt!

Recently I had the opportunity to make good on one of my life long parenting philosophies... many have gone by the way-side in the foggy reality of surviving day to day as a working, studying solo-mum.... (not single, but solo parenting...) My resolution to give her no sugar until she was two lasted mere days from when she started on solids...actually... if I am honest, I think jam was the very first thing she tasted... booooo.  And my resolution to not let her watch TV? hmmmmmm lets not even talk about that one!  (TV? If you are listening... I love you! you have nothing to fear!) ... And the list goes on... May my McDonalds boycott last, if nothing else does!
But one of the things I have always said was that kids should eat dirt.  I am a firm believer in building the immune system - I survived the wilds of the third world with only a few life-threatening mishaps... and have a tummy of iron to show for it (perhaps that explains why it weighs so much on the scales!).  I don't believe in sanitising, disinfecting, protecting from natural germs... the unnatural man-made ones yes...but good old fashioned dirt should be on any healthy kid's menu I say...

And so it was with glee that I overcame my instinctive mummy caution bells, and sat and giggled at my baby as she explored the rich gooey gritty yumminess of our vegie garden... organic of course! (I did refuse the kind offer to share!)

gratuitous cuteness #1987403

play...

my angel has learned to play!  and I am loving the magical experience of watching a little person discover herself in her world... simplicity.... perfection.

the real me?

Today I read my dear thoughtful wise friend's blog.... and in it she wrote this :

Sometimes, it feels like the most selfish act in the world to be true to myself – to that invisible magnetic force that pulls me inexorably to the future I am supposed to have. In fact it is the most selfless act I have in my arsenal. I can’t be true to anyone else if I can’t be true to me.

Reading this was like a hug for my heart.  The first line epitomises one of my deepest struggles in life.  It impacts in my relationships time and time again.  Over and over I am reminded by others, by myself, by books, by counsellors...that my first and only true responsibility is to being real and being authentic.  Why then to I continue to feel so guilty about it?  "Sometimes it feels like the most selfish act in the world to be true to myself".... and being selfish is not being true to myself... so what do I do when I am caught between two versions of "truth of self" - the one which says that being firmly true to oneself without seeking to accommodate the needs of others is selfish - and the other which agrees with my friend that "I cannot be true to anyone else if I can't be true to me". 
The unfortunate lesson I have learned is that by trying to follow the first I usually end up tying myself in knots and hurting the very people I have worked so hard to honour.  In trying to walk the tightrope of honouring others needs and wishes and holding on to my own - I so often fall into the precipice of pleasing no-one.  This confuses me greatly. 
I wonder now as I write if I can unpack a little further and find a deeply held belief that somehow my authentic self is unacceptable to others.  Perhaps what feels like fear of selfishness is actually fear of being rejected for being selfish/real.  Perhaps its all about fear of being real because others will not like the real me.  Perhaps this is what needs to change.... so that when I am real and authentic - I can also be confident that the real me is someone that others will respect, like, and want to know more about. 

So I realise my journey is not so much about the struggle between being "good" and being "real" but more about believing that the real me is good.
It would be such a relief to let go of the struggle...

tardy blogger...

I am guilty of being a tardy blogger! Somehow my life has taken on epic proportions... the free moment that I used to spend blogging have evaporated into a hazy place of "where has that time gone?"  And I know the answer... of course there is the baby who is now toddling and getting more and more time consuming... of course there is work, which has been extra demanding but also proportionately rewarding in recent times... of course there is the study, which is hotting up for final assessments.... of course there is the social life, which is slowly getting itself back on track after a period of prickly ouchy bits... of course there is the vegie garden, the home, the chores, the daily duties of life that seem to multiply with each passing year (now I know why older people seem to do so many chores...its another of the scourges of aging!).... but mostly.... I am in love.  Love, that wonderful delicious sucker of time and thought....
So apologies readers... hang in there... I'll work on that balance thing!