So what next then....

So I have 8 months left on my I contract saving a little piece of the world, and I am determined that when that time comes I shall move on..., which begs the question... To where shall I move? I'm once again at a cross roads... Which may well be the most salient feature of my career... I took this current CEO malarkey as a chance to make a difference in the world again, to feel valuable and valued, to push myself to grow and develop new skills... And of course to boost my career options. It certainly has done all of these things except that I remain unconvinced on the last point. I am sure that it has indeed boosted my career options immeasurably.... What I am less sure on is whether I want them boosted anymore.
If I am to capitalize on the boost I have to make sure that my next job is also a very senior management role....which necessarily means long hours, stress and preasure, and quite probably comtinued sacrifices in my health, social life and parenting.....and that is where the collage starts to come unstuck... I see little pieces of the picture start to flutter in the breeze because I find myself very unsure that this is actually the path I want to take.
I was determined to make a name for myself, to angle myself into the roles that would give me enough power to overcoming my abiding sense of frustration with the injustices of the world... I also, to be honest, wanted to earn a decent amount of money so that I could have an independent sense of pride in my own financial achievements... But now I am looking at the pay-offs in reality and it's not a picture that I feel comfortable hanging on my wall.
I am a parent...and while I love it, it doesn't fulfil me entirely... But still, I don't want to compromise the quality and enjoyment that is so abundant in my relationship with my daughter. I see myself putting work before her too often and I do not like it, not one little bit.  I see her frustration and sadness and hear her anger at my puter's invasion in her life and then the pride of financial independence feels pretty lame.  I feel the frustration of being too tired, stressed and distracted to properly teach my daughter to swim, to write her name, to sing songs and take joy in life outside DVDs and the wish to feel less frustrated at the state of world is kind of slammed into perspective... . If I can't do my little part well I figure I have no business taking on the big picture.... And at the same  time I also increasingly despair at the state of the world.... As I age and lose my sense of optimistic naivity I see the horrors mounting, the sheer madness taking grip more extremely, the endlessness of the bad news and I realize that I can sacrifice my own joys, my child's joys, and the chances of actually making any dint in the overall misery of the world is zip to zilch.  
And I realize also that I am a person who needs people... I need a strong sense of connectedness with others, and damn it, I want a partner... I want a person to hold my hand, share my joys, and to lean on me when it's their time.  I want someone that my life comes back to.  I want love in my life... I've been seeking it, and scared of it, for a long time.  I want to face the fear and I want to grow old with plans for the future that stand on two feet...or four....you know what I mean... I CAN do it alone, but I don't want to. I need to stand still for a while and let myself connect with others.... I need to unbusy my life enough to fit good people in.
So here I am on  a threshold of future greatness...and I am not sure that I want it. I think I want a simpler life, a smaller life that is like the tardis... Small and inconspicuous on the outside,  but huge and surprisingly amazing on the inside.... I want to live green, clean and simple. I want to meditate and be peaceful inside.... I want to teach my daughter to grow her own food and to treasure the bugs precious lives.  And I am not a person who can do it all... So I think I choose simple, I choose love, I choose friendship, I choose to sacrifice some of my grand dreams to build the smaller ones properly.... I think!

2012 I kick your ass....

It's coming to the end of the year that was 2012.... To say "it's been quite a year" is sort of like saying that the Category 5 Cylcone Evan that ended my working year was "quite a windy day". In fact, my year was actually a whole lot like that cyclone... Wild, unpredictable, hard work, exhausting, damaging and powerful.... Life feels a lot like its been flying past me in the 200 odd kms an hour breezes.  I have 8 months left on my contract and I can't wait to finish and come home.... But of course I have to come to terms with what that means and what it says about the person I have become.   The simple answer would be to say that I've grown soft and want an easier life... But I don't think it's that. If I peel back the onion I realize it's more about seeking something that's missing for me in this life that I thought I wanted.  I have dreamed of being the intrepid aid worker... Making a difference in the world... And I expected it to be hard work... But something is missing in it for me.... It's not giving me the deep satisfaction that I sought... And I realize that is about connectedness. I feel like an outsider there... I don't belong, I don't have a community....

Phew.... funding fun

So its been a hellish couple of months facing the imminent loss of our funding.  The end of our current funding came and went, and I was forced into the unenviable task of giving termination notices to 75 people who are more like a big family than a work force.  Perhaps its different when its people who are working from their hearts, counsellors and social workers who are giving of themselves in their work every day, for crappy wages, because they believe in the value of the work that they do... Perhaps it always sucks to have to fire people, regardless of who they are or what they do.   In any case these lovely people moved me with their ability to smile through their tears and stay focused on supporting each other through this personal and professional crisis.
Its been a roller coaster last few weeks with glimmers of hope regularly dashed on the rocks of economic pragmatism and realisation of our own insignificance in the bureaucracy of aid.
BUT at the last minute... we were snatched from the jaws of defeat by a sudden turn around and as of 3pm yesterday we suddenly have enough funding to keep going.  PHEW... we will lose a few staff, and things will be tight... but most of the staff will still have jobs, and most of our essential work will continue... we will even get to expand slightly in some areas.  We will restructure, be meaner and leaner, but ideally we will work better and smarter as a result.
And I am thus remaining in the tropics for my full term... another year under the palm trees... a bitter sweet prospect.  And at least I don't have to look for a job in QLD at the moment!  (PS the only silver lining in the horror of Qld slash and burn politics is that it did make me feel a little better about our funding struggles!)

cold shower season

 

So its officially cold shower season...
Some people measure seasons by the way the garden blooms, some by seasonal fruits.  Some people measure by the calendar and some by memories of seasons past...
Me, I measure the start of summer by the point at which I stop using the hot water tap.  And we are certainly there... phew...

an angel's best friend...

So my professional life is really really crap at the moment... thats the truth.
but I thank the stars and my own perseverance for the little person in my life who brings me such joy despite the horror of the rest.
This morning I sat at my computer for a few moments while I prepared myself for the day and she pottered around creating her universe of interactive imagination for the morning...
And a little voice broke through my thoughts
"Hmmmm I wonder where my best friend mummy is?  I had better go and find her..."
And in that moment I was not the CEO of a doomed NGO that has lost its funding base... I was not the over tired, not sleeping, burnt out shell of a person that I feel like a lot of the time.
I was an angel's best friend.
Melting priceless moments.