So I have 8 months left on my I contract saving a little piece of the world, and I am determined that when that time comes I shall move on..., which begs the question... To where shall I move? I'm once again at a cross roads... Which may well be the most salient feature of my career... I took this current CEO malarkey as a chance to make a difference in the world again, to feel valuable and valued, to push myself to grow and develop new skills... And of course to boost my career options. It certainly has done all of these things except that I remain unconvinced on the last point. I am sure that it has indeed boosted my career options immeasurably.... What I am less sure on is whether I want them boosted anymore.
If I am to capitalize on the boost I have to make sure that my next job is also a very senior management role....which necessarily means long hours, stress and preasure, and quite probably comtinued sacrifices in my health, social life and parenting.....and that is where the collage starts to come unstuck... I see little pieces of the picture start to flutter in the breeze because I find myself very unsure that this is actually the path I want to take.
I was determined to make a name for myself, to angle myself into the roles that would give me enough power to overcoming my abiding sense of frustration with the injustices of the world... I also, to be honest, wanted to earn a decent amount of money so that I could have an independent sense of pride in my own financial achievements... But now I am looking at the pay-offs in reality and it's not a picture that I feel comfortable hanging on my wall.
I am a parent...and while I love it, it doesn't fulfil me entirely... But still, I don't want to compromise the quality and enjoyment that is so abundant in my relationship with my daughter. I see myself putting work before her too often and I do not like it, not one little bit. I see her frustration and sadness and hear her anger at my puter's invasion in her life and then the pride of financial independence feels pretty lame. I feel the frustration of being too tired, stressed and distracted to properly teach my daughter to swim, to write her name, to sing songs and take joy in life outside DVDs and the wish to feel less frustrated at the state of world is kind of slammed into perspective... . If I can't do my little part well I figure I have no business taking on the big picture.... And at the same time I also increasingly despair at the state of the world.... As I age and lose my sense of optimistic naivity I see the horrors mounting, the sheer madness taking grip more extremely, the endlessness of the bad news and I realize that I can sacrifice my own joys, my child's joys, and the chances of actually making any dint in the overall misery of the world is zip to zilch.
And I realize also that I am a person who needs people... I need a strong sense of connectedness with others, and damn it, I want a partner... I want a person to hold my hand, share my joys, and to lean on me when it's their time. I want someone that my life comes back to. I want love in my life... I've been seeking it, and scared of it, for a long time. I want to face the fear and I want to grow old with plans for the future that stand on two feet...or four....you know what I mean... I CAN do it alone, but I don't want to. I need to stand still for a while and let myself connect with others.... I need to unbusy my life enough to fit good people in.
So here I am on a threshold of future greatness...and I am not sure that I want it. I think I want a simpler life, a smaller life that is like the tardis... Small and inconspicuous on the outside, but huge and surprisingly amazing on the inside.... I want to live green, clean and simple. I want to meditate and be peaceful inside.... I want to teach my daughter to grow her own food and to treasure the bugs precious lives. And I am not a person who can do it all... So I think I choose simple, I choose love, I choose friendship, I choose to sacrifice some of my grand dreams to build the smaller ones properly.... I think!
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