2012 I kick your ass....

It's coming to the end of the year that was 2012.... To say "it's been quite a year" is sort of like saying that the Category 5 Cylcone Evan that ended my working year was "quite a windy day". In fact, my year was actually a whole lot like that cyclone... Wild, unpredictable, hard work, exhausting, damaging and powerful.... Life feels a lot like its been flying past me in the 200 odd kms an hour breezes.  I have 8 months left on my contract and I can't wait to finish and come home.... But of course I have to come to terms with what that means and what it says about the person I have become.   The simple answer would be to say that I've grown soft and want an easier life... But I don't think it's that. If I peel back the onion I realize it's more about seeking something that's missing for me in this life that I thought I wanted.  I have dreamed of being the intrepid aid worker... Making a difference in the world... And I expected it to be hard work... But something is missing in it for me.... It's not giving me the deep satisfaction that I sought... And I realize that is about connectedness. I feel like an outsider there... I don't belong, I don't have a community....