Huge-er and Huge-er!

I'm huge.
I know I said this a while ago... what was I thinking? NOW I really am HUGE... its hard to think that I have another 4 months to go! Apparently I am currently roughly the size I would be if an errant basketball decided to seek refuge under my t-shirt.
Can my belly stretch that much more?? Already I am losing my belly button. Soft sensitive skin that has not seen the light of day ever is now making an entrance to the world of my tummy....emerging from the depths day by day.
Yes, its a miracle. Yes its incredible... Yes I am so thrilled and excited... but I gotta say - I am starting to look forward to the day this little bundle of joy gets off my back and into the real world. Sleep is more and more uncomfortable. Sitting for longer than half an hour makes my back ache. Standing? well - see my previous entry "ode to sitting"... I am not really winging... well, ok I am a bit... I am no less happy but the excitement is now tinged with the reality of the discomfort of this strange miraculous total transformation of my once familiar body.

Amidst the rustle of christmas tinsel... Amidst the santas and ear-less reindeer... quietly another special day or two came upon us.
A birthday in the midst of the frivolity... a celebration of another year in the life of a special person... and not so far from it... a year since one eccentric, late, disorganised, FUNNY, generous and creative aquarian inadvertently became a christmas elf in the life of a FUNNY, kind, organised, generous, timely, responsible and perfectly respectable Capricorn...
Many miracles are celebrated as people gather beneath a glittery adorned tree... and this is one more for the stack of brightly wrapped hopes and surprises. Who would have thought it?

the joy of parents...

So as I enter this new phase of life... the new adventure of being a parent... I have plenty of evidence of the incredible shoes I have to follow in...
my wonderful parents have once again taken out a lifetime award for dedication to the role, above and beyond the call of duty... my dear home has now a resplendent new bathroom, is well on the way to a new sparkling kitchen, new french doors and windows linking balcony and interior living areas... and joy-of-joys... no more icky green carpet in the dining and lounge rooms.
Did it cost me a fortune? Did it take me weeks of sweat? Not me...
My dear parents have spent weeks slaving in the heat to help me nest and be comfortable.
May I always be as generous, self giving and all-round fabulous as my own role models... phew... its gonna be a task and a half!

a girlie kinda family christmas...

Christmas this year was also different because it started with a bang with the gathering of the girls... ah my dear inner circle aunties...
...with much feasting and merriment we celebrated not just the season of giving, but also the joy of friendship and marked a year of our little group... One of us was heard to comment "this is more like my real family christmas!" How wonderful to have lovely people around a table - people who have all chosen to be there... to share laughter and wear silly hats and give silly (and serious) gifts and eat way too much of course!
What a fabulous way to round off the year....

a merry little christmas...

Christmas this year was very different. Usually I spend Christmas being peaceful with my parents... all very grown up - champagne and mangos for breakfast, presents, a nice swim in the ocean... but this year has seen the introduction of little people in my life, and what a joyous introduction!
The countdown to Christmas day was no longer just counted in shopping days, but in pieces of advent calendar chocolate that marked one less day til Santa comes!! A fridge door letter to Santa with pictures of a mere selection of desirable toys added to the anticipation... and on the morning, well... 5:30am has never been so exciting!
And this year another wonderful new addition... presents appeared from under the towering tree labelled "to baby".... and baby was quietly excited with her little pj's and bibs... :-)
Oh how exciting to look forward to many years of little smiles, giggles, mountains of torn paper and the glee of shiny new toys :-)

an ode to sitting

I love to sit
to take the weight off my legs and feet is a joy and a bliss
like sucking the inside out of a lindt ball...
like a cool shower on a hot day
sitting...
I sit anywhere
paint tins, shelves, steps, beds, floors, gutters
I sit with pleasure

:-)

except in a 3 hour movie... way too much of a good thing, that last two chocolates too many...
so now I look forward to lying... mmmm the joy of being horizontal... mmmm

sitting with ambivalence....
when I was young and impetuous life seemed black and white...
decisions were yes or no
indecision was excruciating - and had to be fixed
any decision was better than no decision
choices were there to be made, and then never looked back upon.
now as I grow, older and hopefully wiser...
I find that I am at once more decisive, and less decisive
I understand consequences more deeply
I have learned to look back with regret
I know that some things are no longer choices
I know that some things are just not clear
and I have learned about patience
its never easy, but it now has a place in my life
I sit with grey
so its growth, maturation
sometimes I miss the old days

So my daughter is now about the length of a ruler... she is 18cms from head to bottom, and when her long little legs are added... somehow the size of a ruler seems much bigger than just saying 30cms.... the numbers don't conjure up the same level of anxious excited awe as when I hold a ruler to my belly...
I love being pregnant... it is indeed the miraculous feeling I thought it would be... yet I still have many moments of abject terror as well... moments when it hits me - oh my heavens I AM GOING TO BE A MOTHER!! I am going to be one of THEM! I am going to have a little person who is dependant on me always and in every way.... My life will never be the same again!
I wonder how differently I would feel if I was doing this in a relationship - I guess that with a partner it might seem more like there would be someone else there to carry the slack if I was not up to it all the time... I think of my friends who are kind-of wanting children but not sure if they want to take it on... and I think of how sure I was, and am, that this is definitely what I want... and yet I am still have moments of such fear and doubt...
But then again - all great things come with fear and excitement as flip sides of the same coin... and I know that I am just one of the mothers of the world who have contemplated this miraculous journey with both joy and trepidation. And in the end I know firmly and deeply in my heart that it will all be ok...it will be hard and wonderful and lonely and thrilling and in the end... its life!

Shikibu

One thousand half loves
Must be foresaken
To follow one whole heart home.

Rumi

"You may not be able to control all of the things that happen to you in your life, but you can decide not to be reduced by them."

Dr Maya Angelou
Letter to my Daughter

Disappointment

So life is pretty good over-all... I am realising my dearest dreams... but at the same time I have a sense of fear of losing the other important things in my life... in particular, my career. I have worked hard for little recognition over the years... In the past I have not worried terribly about it, it always seemed like I had time to find my professional niche in the future. In the last year or so I have realised that actually... Its now or never. If I am going to find a sense of acknowledgement of the strong skills I have then I really need to start positioning myself now. This is important not just because I will get respect and reward, but because it will put me in a position of being able to work for change much more effectively.
Accordingly I went to work for Red Cross at a position lower than I should have... so that I could get a foot in the door with an organisation I respected and thought would be good for my CV and career development. My plan was to find my feet and then move into a more challenging role within the organisation. And in some ways this has appeared to be a good decision...there are more challenging positions within the organisation. Getting a chance at those positions however, has led to frustration and disappointment.
As an Aquarian I know that I have a rather well developed sense of fairness. Injustice and impropriety bug the hell out of me. People not following "proper" "fair" "equitable" processes really gets my goat up....
As a realist I come to terms, more and more, with the fact that life is just not fair sometimes, and the world just does people over. Its not just me... it happens everywhere... so I guess rather than focusing on disappointment when it happens, the only thing to do is to be happily surprised when it things are done well.
I am still astounded that many people who get paid lots of money to be professionally intelligent still so often manage to do such an poor job of it....

life goals...

My dear goals focussed friend will hate this... but it gave me a chuckle :-)



thanks to Letters, postcards, notes on the fridge

Almost half way!

So I am now almost half way through this incredible magical journey. I am finding the speed of time completely mind blowing... I had imagined that when I was finally pregnant the 9 months would seem to last forever... instead I find myself trying desperately to hang on to every precious moment... I am so excited to meet my daughter - but I am also loving this process of feeling her grow each day so much. I am starting to feel what I have imagined it is like to have a child and watch them grow - the incredible sense that they change and grow up every day and every moment is so precious and fleeting... one minute they are in nappies and the next they are arguing with you over wearing something waaaay too short and revealing!
Yesterday I had my second big 4-d ultrasound... technology is truly amazing... my mum and donor watched in similar awe as I while the doctor went through each and every organ in minute detail. My mum was shocked by the vivid realisation of how much can go wrong! Once upon a time a child just grew and popped out and you counted the fingers and toes and were relieved that all was well. Now I have seen the intimate workings of my child's bladder, kidneys, the individual valves of her heart, the specific sections of her brain, even her movements of her diaphragm... all in real time... and while her body is the size of my hand. Thankfully my child is indeed perfect in every way... :-) Her heart is strong and well developed, her brain plumping up nicely, her fingers and toes waving happily....
She is perfectly average in every way :-) except for one....
Word has gotten around at the ultrasound clinic... my child is a challenge to photograph... it seems she is extreeeemly active! In every ultrasound I have had the scanners have huffed in frustration at her constant movements... taking a clear photo requires a tricky quick finger! I am now duly warned that I have many sleepless nights ahead of me... it seems she is strong and independent and way too excited about life to lie still and let us just look at her peacefully. Of course there is no empirical evidence that this means she will be a get-about after she is born...but it seems a pretty consistent pattern is forming so far! Like me she seems to be of the opinion that the world is out there to be explored, and she is not wasting any time!
She is also, it seems, not destined to be a model :-) We tried hard to get some clear photos of her dear little face - but she was utterly determined to thwart us and plastered her hand firmly across her face.... "nope"...she said..."no portrait snaps - I don't got time...I got growing and kicking to do". The scanner tried jiggling my tummy, poking her firmly with the ultrasound wand...but No.... she refused to move her hand. She kicked back in rebellion but fingers remained firmly across nose and mouth....Occasionally she would lower her hand and stroke her chin thoughtfully... so I have a couple of bubba philosopher shots that are very lovely :-) I will scan and post them soon...
So it seems I have a very active and rather strong willed child to contend with....
(sigh)
Loving it of course... you go girl... I will cheer your every step - as long as you agree to do what I say at least MOST of the time... :-)
And finally my nervousness about her gender is put totally to rest. Once again it was very clear that she is indeed a girl.... The scanner confidently said "well, we never say we are 100% sure...but there is her vulva and her clitorus...so lets say we are 99% sure!".... (sorry sweetie, its so rude to be so exposed without a choice I know....)
And every day now I feel her move around more and more. As I sit here typing now she is poking me just below my belly button.... People tell me I will get sick of it eventually - but its totally thrilling at the moment!
Overall I am stunned by how incredibly fortunate I feel at the moment...