Grrrr

The angel decided that doggy needed a nappy too... Doggy is perhaps not so pleased with such an undignified arrangements!

Let go let it flow

I have just finished reading the eat pray love book. The movie had a profound affect on me because I strongly related to her sense of drowning in her world, and of feeling utterly empty. I too need a journey to rediscover my passion, my joy, my spirituality and my capacity to love.

One of the main things that has stayed with me from the book was about learning to stop fighting hard to control the world around me and my life. I find it so hard to let go of the need to control everything to make it ok... Yet because I usually have no idea of how to make things ok, or even what ok is... I just end up both messing things up further, and exhausted from the fruitless battle. After meditating in India, Elizabeth finally learns to stop searching and fighting to find meaning in the spinning universe, and to instead let go, seek a calm peaceful place inside, and let things flow from there.

So now, in a time of confusion and sadness, and as I approach the end of one year and the start of the new one, this is what I am going to try to do.

Trust, let things flow as they will, let go of the need to control everything, find what makes me feel peaceful inside and stay with that...with honouring self respect.

"When you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama."

Eckhart tolle

Sent from my iPhone

thoughts of the day

So today I read two things that made me think...
The first was a rather trippy article about weight loss and numbness... it delved way too far into hippy vibrations stuff for my taste...but prior to tottling off with the fairies it raised some ideas that really hit a nerve for me. 

The writer talks about how often women, in response to some kind of emotional trauma, become numb...in order to avoid the bad feelings we simply stop feeling anything much at all.  She says "you can’t remain numb and move forward. The two don’t work together. In order to heal, you need to feel. You need to be emotionally involved in your own life. Most people are emotionally involved in other people’s lives and an “extra” in their own life."  This last line really struck a cord for me.  This is very much how I feel that I go about life.   I come alive in relation to the things that the people I love are going through - challenges and excitments - but I am numb when it comes to my own.  I find it increasingly difficult to summon up a spark for anything about my life at the moment, and I have been searching for the reason.  Mostly I have been focussed on trying to find something to feel excited about - but at the same time I have been saying that I feel "empty", "lacking in passion", unable to see beyond the immediate future, and that I simply don't care enough about any one goal to feel terribly motivated about it.  In other words - I am numb.
And the writer of the article talks, amid the scented candle crystal healing bits, about how carrying extra weight is part of the numbing process.  It is a reciprocal cycle in that the putting on weight makes you feel more numb, and the more numb you feel the more weight you put on....
The only answer is to start feeling.  The writer offers some basic CBT tips about false self beliefs... but I think that, after 13 years as a therapist, I will need a little more than that. 
But identifying the numbness is one big step on the journey of learning to feel again.  I start to wonder if I should do this as my goal before I start the goal of losing weight.  Perhaps this is one of the keys to unravelling the broken link between goal and action?
I guess the theory would be Step 1 : Identify the numbness.  Step 2 : Unravel the reason/s for the numbness (what are the bad feelings that triggered it?)  Step 3 : Find a way to heal the bad feelings so that I don't need to retreat into numbness to manage them.  Step 4 :  Spend time rediscovering feelings, things I am passionate about, how I really feel about things, people, experiences .  Step 5 : rediscover my goals, what I really want in life, and the passion that will drive me towards those goals (as well as the belief in myself required, and the sense of being deserving of happiness).

The second thing I read today was another in the recently mentioned series of forwarded blogs from my friend.  In this I picked up two tips I thought were useful... not new ideas but good reminders. 
1. If you want to achieve a goal, have a practical daily plan of what you will need to do each day to get there.
"How much additional time will you need in an average week to pull off that resolution? Where will that time come from? Figure out now where you’ll get that time from so that you’re not stuck having to make hard choices later on which can easily drive you off the rails of your resolution".
2. Keep a diary in which you record what happened each day in the journey towards your goal.  I thought it would be useful to have a diary for A) Exercise  B) Diet   C) What helped me move towards my goal today?  D) What hindered me in moving towards my goal today?
I thought that this would be good for helping me to recognise the patterns in what gets in the way (eg sickness, weather, indi not sleeping properly so both of us being tired, other people distracting me etc)  and then I can find ways of addressing the most common ones.

a reminder...

I blogged about this at this time last year....

“Courage does not always roar — sometimes it is a quiet voice that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”

for my mirror

So perhaps one day I can replace my inner critical manipulative voice with one that says this :

Nothing feels better than losing weight.

Nothing tastes better than losing weight.

Nothing rewards more than meeting this goal.

You can do it.

In the meantime I shall write it on my bathroom mirror and remind myself daily. 

I find it fascinating that I have so much self discipline when it comes to not eating foods which contain gluten.  I can sit at a table with people eating cake which is made on flour, and there is no hesitation, no inner debate, no temptation... no matter how good it looks.  I simply don't eat it.  Its not a question... I just don't.  Yet if the cake was gluten free I would find it almost impossible to resist. 
I don't die from eating gluten.  I would feel slightly unwell... but really, I would be ok.  Yet I have total self discipline in this goal -the goal of avoiding feeling unwell from eating gluten.  This is the will-power, the self discipline, the commitment that I need to harness towards avoiding feeling fat from eating unhealthily.   I could get away with little bits of cheating with gluten, but I don't try.  And so I need to simply flick another switch in my head - like the one that is set to "no gluten" - and set myself to "no fattening foods" and "no sugar".  I did it while I had gestational diabetes... I complained about it but I did it.  And I achieved my goal - I got my insulin levels under control and had a healthy baby.   It ties in with the people pleasing aspect of me I think... in that I will inconvenience others and I will stand up to not pleasing my desires if there is an external reason which is beyond my choice - like gluten intollerance or diabetes... but I won't do it just because its my own goal.  Sounds like a self respect issue, doesn't it?.... and so I plow on... searching through the mirky depths of my own mind to unravel the self limiting beliefs and self sabotaging patterns.

So its the new year soon

So we approach the new year again.  This one seems to have come around almost a breath after the last one.  I am ashamed to admit that I have not even come close to achieving my new years resolution for last year.  It frankly terrifies me to remember how clearly committed I was to my pledge, and yet nothing at all came of it.  This time last year I pledged to myself, to my child and to my future to lose 12 kg over the year.  I now weigh exactly the same as I did at this time last year.
Where did I go wrong?  I clearly visualised the goal.  I desperately wanted it.  I created a SMART goal breakdown to ensure it was specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-framed.  I set small monthly targets and then each month, I failed to meet them.  Each month I vowed again to do better and didn't.  I can only conclude that the goal was not, in fact, achievable and realistic because it lacked something... the connection between what I wanted to achieve, and what I did on a daily basis was missing.  It was certainly not because I pigged out and lived in indulgent denial.  I ate fairly well but not brilliantly, exercised in bursts but not consistently, and over-all did a luke warm job of it that meant that while I didn't put on any more weight, nor did I lose any.
This year I need to decide how to make things different.  Simply focusing on really wanting it does not inspire me, because I did that last year and its obviously not enough.  So I ponder... what can I do differently this year?  What is it that will make things different.  I really really really need to achieve this goal.  How can I go about making it last as an abiding and successfully dominant theme for my year?
My friend has been sending me inspirational blog excerpts, bless her... and two points from these jump out at me now.  Firstly - if you want to achieve a goal you need to commit resources to it.  And this I have not done.  I have spent money and time on other things... on friends, excessive grocery shopping, generous spoiling of my child etc...but I have not sacrificed anything to prioritise my health goal.  I didn't cut back on spending in other areas in order to be able to afford a personal trainer or a gym membership.  I didn't cut back time for socialising or relaxing in order to make time to exercise.  I didn't choose my goal over anything else, I expected to be able to have it all.  I expected to simply lay my goal on top of everything else in my life and not change other things... This is one thing I could do differently.
And the second point is about limiting how many goals you try to achieve at the same time.  I have had a list of different areas of my life that are not working for me... and I have been trying to work on all of them at once.  The consequences are that I have achieved a little in a lot of areas, but nothing much in any one area.  I have improved my work situation slightly (from terrible to tolerable at the moment); I have been a reasonably good parent, although I have avoided toilet training til now and this needs to start in the new year; I have been slightly more organised with my finances, though there are a lot more budget sheets than there are outcomes; I have had months of reduced grocery bills by restricting myself to $10 a week to eat down my cupboards, but nothing has radically changed, I am still over-buying and over-stocked; I have developed some of my friendships in some ways, although I still don't spend enough time with people and feel a constant wish to see them more; I have navigated a relationship that was wonderful and challenging, but which ended partly because of protestations that I didn't invest enough of my resources into it; and many more of my themes have moved slightly...but not significantly.
So this is another area I could change.  I could simply divert almost all of my attention into one goal until it is achieved... allowing everything else to simply tick over as it has been unless there is a disaster or emergency...and then move on to the next goal.  I am impatient.  This seems frustratingly slow - and yet I need only look at the amount of achievement my previous strategies have brought to bear... and indeed - the process of achieving any outcomes while juggling too many balls can only be described as SLOOOOW whilst at the same time I feel overly busy and exhausted.
To let go of trying to achieve change in lots of areas of my life at once will not be an easy thing.  The biggest hurdle I come up against immediately, in even considering it, is my own inner judgement and fear of the judgement of others.  If I am "working on improving" an area of my life then I am in some ways excused, I believe, from the assessments of inadequacy that I constantly feel about so many areas of my life.  If I chose one goal and only focus on that one, then I have to live with the inner critical voice which tells me loud and clear that all of the other areas are simply not good enough and questions how I can continue to live like that??   But I suppose that I simply need to face that voice and let it know that each area will have their turn and go back to the one area that is my current target.  So if I am to focus on losing weight then I will no longer pressure myself to budget my finances better, keep my house tidier, spend more time with friends, be a better girlfriend, do more creative things, be a better mum, improve my career, do more in the garden, reduce my grocery spending etc etc   I bet, ironically, if I was to do this then I might find that the other areas improved all on their own.
The second hurdle will be overcoming my people pleasing tendencies.  I tend to not want to rock the boat, and to put my own goals and needs as secondary to keeping the peace with others.  Just now my mum came in to talk about what to have for dinner tonight.  She is thinking of prawn pasta.  My head tells me that pasta for dinner would not be good for me - too many carbs late in the day.  But the urge to not be difficult or cause discomfort wins and I smile and nod "that would be fine"... and this is what I do regularly.  I say "Yes" to friends, to family, to other priorities - and in the process say "No" to my own goals.
So am I really willing to take this on?  Am I really willing to make losing weight my primary priority - allowing all other areas of my life to tick along with the basics?  Am I ready to try again given the weight of all of my past failed attempts?
I am going to sit with this question until I can honestly say yes.

love... whats it all about really

I've been reflecting on love.
In all it seems an unfathomable thing.  Does it truly defy logic?  Or am I just paradoxical in love even more so than in anything else in my skwichy-which-way life?  I have loved deeply and with great faith and conviction twice in my life.  Since then, I have tried... but its never been quite the same.  Is this a natural developmental process - that one never quite loves again in the way one once loved when one was young and full of the blind optimism of  naivety?   I am asking myself several searching questions at once...
Have I been burnt too often and am I therefore too jaded to really embrace loving without reservation?
Have I changed fundamentally with having a child and therefore am unable to throw myself with abandon into relationships because its all so much more serious now?
Am I getting old and realising that with so little time left and so much still to do, its gotta be "the right choice" (if that exists)?
Am I simply ignorning a wise but subtle inner instinct that tells me that this one is not the one for me?
I would love to love, freely, wildly, joyfully...
Why then don't I just do that?
Recently a friend called me a romantic - which surprised me greatly as my faithful blog readers may recall me coming out firmly in favour of love being a thing which is created by willing logical hard work - not a rare jewel that is miraculously found.  Yet this friend's observation of me was that I am romantically waiting for Ms Perfect.  This idea galls me no end!  I want to believe that love is created not found.  Yet perhaps this is where I have been going wrong with the recent patterns of heart ache since my first two loves.  Another dear friend tells me that I am simply not discerning enough... and it has been said to me several times before that I seem to have the capacity to love anyone if I put my mind to it... my dear friend tells me it is time for me to hold out for something that feels really unequivocably right, rather than trying to squish bumpy shapes into round heart holes (not in exactly those words! But that is how it feels to me).
Perhaps I don't trust that it will ever happen that way?
Perhaps I have already found it and been too scared, jaded, scarred, issue-laden, self-protective and all that jazz to be able to appreciate it?
Perhaps its all just part of my journey and I need to stop thinking and start breathing and letting things flow and be as they will.

christmas spread at the small but happy home

This year was a quiet xmas for the angel and her wee family.  As an only child of an only child of an only child... the angel has little hope of a large rambunctious family xmas unless she marries into one. (metaphorically speaking... if I can't marry why should she?)  But it was a happy little family of four who gathered for some tasty treats on the wet but merry day. 
The day started bright and early.  The night before I had made a slight tactical error.  In the excitment of wanting to introduce her to the wonderful anticipation of christmas eve... just before bed I sat with the little angel in front of the tree and optimistically explained that under the tree were lots of presents for her, and tomorrow was christmas and she would be able to open them in the morning and see what was inside.  Predictably delayed gratification was a slightly advanced expectation for a 20 month old... and we had to have some firm words about around the theme of "NOT NOW"...
In the morning I had scaled back my expectations and had thought she would have forgotten the previous night's conversation.  At 5.30am I staggered out to make a cup of tea... her little sleepy self trailing behind me... and I was just reaching for the kettle when her footsteps rounded the corner into the living area and I was assailed by a very merry "PREEEESEEEENNNNTTSS!!!!".
And that was that really... it was all on.  Before ga ga and pa pa could emerge blinking into the light of the day she was already very happily choo choo choo-ing her new train set. 

So big!

My little angel... All tuckered out from the present excitement... And sooo big! I have to pinch myself...

Beep beep!

Guess what the angel got for Xmas?

dancing and forgetting

I went out dancing... I stayed out til the wee hours.  I forgot that I was a mummy, I forgot that I am sensible, I forgot that I have just lost a dear relationship... I smiled and I danced.  It was fun!  And then 2.30am passed, the champagne started to wear off... and I remembered.  I remembered my lost relationship and I was sad.  I remembered that I am sensible and out way too late for someone who has to be up early.  I remembered that I am a mummy...first and before all else, I'm a mummy.  So I attempted to find a taxi, in vain, got a lift, slept from 3.30am to 5.30... crawled out of bed and slipped back into my skin.  Back to being sensible mummy, still sad, very tired, but home doing what I do.

Sleepy haze

Look at this picture.... Hard to imagine that this is the child who has decided, at 20 months, to call her mother to come and play at hourly intervals through the night... Although perhaps it is fitting, since she clearly needs her day sleep!
And now I have that oh so familiar mothers dilemma. I have 2 hours of freedom. This is my rich opportunity to get stuff done... Or should I forget productivity and just have a much needed nap?
In the spirit of my new focus on being healthy first and allowing that to enhance my productivity over time... I shall nap.

Lightening the load

I am on a learning curve at the moment. After one and a half years of just getting by and focussing on the adjustment of becoming a mummy... I have become increasingly frustrated by a sense of not going anywhere or achieving anything beyond the day to day tasks of life. I admit it's only a few months since I finished my last degree study... And yes, it's been a busy and challenging period of time as I have attempted to negotiate a new relationship and simultaneously address life long family issues...oh and be a single working mum... But my expectations are higher than that, and it's time to make some changes. Recently I took a look on the mirror and noticed that my hair, habitually worn pulled scruffily back, has become a huge waist long weight on my shoulders. By simply not cutting it I have allowed it to become a heavy and cumbersome presence. This seemed rather symbolic - so in the spirit of my new focus... It was time to do something about it.
Phew... My head feels kilos lighter!

Bitten baby bits!

When you grow a little person in your tummy your dna gets reprogrammed... Suddenly your over-riding and under-pinning purpose in life is to see that little bitsy smile, and to protect them from all and any exposure to pain. Its an unconscious conditioned response like pmt chocolate cravings or not wearing stripes and plaid together. There is nothing quite like the gut dropping nausea of seeing your little precious bundle hurt... And tonight I managed to wound my angel in none other than her "special place"!! Owie! You can imagine the belly flops that were my reaction to unwrapping her towel, while wondering why she was complaining so much about being carried out of the bathroom, and finding this vicious hair torture implement attached to her delicates! Oooh my eyes water just thinking about it! Thank you evolution for the resilient short memories of babies...

Gratuitous cute #1467428

Cup of hot tea?

One of my angel's favorite activities at the moment is helping make mummy a cup of hot tea. Tis a play I encourage heartily and I look forward with great glee to the day I can finally be brought one in bed in the morning. Why else the sleepless nights and vomit stains?? She is doing well, making progress...but still requires a degree of supervision :-)

News of the day : neatness is not genetic

Those who know and love me will be aware that I have what I consider to be a healthy approach to neatness. I don't like things to get out of control, I like relative order in some areas of life and home, but other areas hit a fairly low level on the life priority scales. Frankly I think that there are more important things to do in life. As long as things are not dirty...a little disheveled natural state of being in less visible areas is not the end of the world when there are playful creative learning sharing things to do. Yet somehow I have bred a child with a very particular aversion to dirt. With the exception of chocolate on her face, which clearly doesn't count coz she can't see it, she is very concerned about the presence of "dirty" on hands or feet, hates to have a stray hair on her (I agree, ug!) and is a most considerate and concerned citizen when it comes to tidying up the sand left behind by those messy messy boys in the park...

Bloody sick.....

Tonsillitis and conjunctivitis, come on kids... I don't want to play any more!

Not her finest moment!

My angel is sick, she has a miserable cold and ear infection... It's hideous to the point of vomiting green martian goo in the wee hours :-( the joys of being mummy are really being tested, again... She hasn't wanted to eat anything for days... So this afternoon I set her up in front of Yo Gabba Gabba (mummy approved songs like "why lie? We like you better when you tell the truth!) and gave her a chocolate bickie treat... Apparently that went down well :-) she's all style and grace...

I wanted to go to Cuba

So I wanted to escape... to run off to metaphorically join the circus, and literally join an agricultural cooperative farm in Cuba.  It was to be the opening swan-song of my EPL (eat, pray, love) adventure.  Sadly, tis not to be.  Seems the Visa situation is prohibitive.  I am disappointed - but am I also relieved?

award winning words??

It seems that a rather nice sounding woman from Norway has given my little blog her "cherry on the top award"... I find it rather interesting to think of strange people, sometimes people who are very different from me, reading my blog... In reality I don't think I have a lot of readers... I have 19 followers, which is minuscule in blogging terms, and a handful of browsing friends who let me know that they read my ramblings.... So I figure that my blog is largely a diary for me - a collection of thoughts and images through time, which allow me to look back on over the years and re-capture moments.  A museum, if you will, of my memorable moments in life. 
But I was very touched to discover that my little blog is one of this person's five favourite blogs. 
She wrote
3. Wanderlust, I really enjoy reading about the everyday life of this blogger. Nice blog with many good pictures :) The blog can be found here. A cherry on top award is awarded to you from me :)
Thanks "Small'n' Big"... I appreciate the kindness!

Skimming stones

So I've been feeling stuck... There are things in my life that need to change, and I don't know how to do it. Everything is interconnected... If I change one thing everything else is effected....and unravels... Every option has pros and cons...
I went to see Eat Pray Love and I cried all the way through... I cried because I heard the parts of her story that were mine.  Once upon a time I had passion.  Once upon a time I cared deeply about the wrongs of the world.  Once upon a time I was determined to make a difference.  Now I can't remember the last time I cared deeply about anything.  I hear myself complaining more than celebrating... I hear myself being small, thinking small....
I have moments that move me to my depths... they are all around my child.  When I watch her sleep.  When she takes my hand to walk forward.  When she absent-mindedly plays with my fingers.  When I watch her play when she doesn't know I am watching.  When she rubs my nose with her nose. When her little voice calls "mummy?" when she can't see me.  When she says "lub you mummy".  These moments and a thousand more make my heart swell and make me feel alive.
But the rest of the time... life flows around me.... feelings tickle me, itch me slightly...but don't rock my world.  I feel like things pass me in superficial ways...like skipping stones.
I want to be filled with feeling again.  I want to breath in the richness of a moment.  I want to dive right in to the pool.

Diva's birthday feast!

The creative efforts of friends combine to make a memorable meal that symbolizes the symbiosis of four different flavours of women, balancing each other into a friendship feast.

My big girl...

My angel...
Independent strong-willed kind loving funny wild dramatic generous stubborn adventurous curious smart gentle spontaneous charming sociable willful cheeky active brave stubborn creative excitable willing... Did I mention stubborn?

My heart is full of beauty...

Perfection...

Question...

As a parent, do you ever get past the crippling fear that somehow something is going to take the precious little angel away from you...
Its a constant fear, like the theme music of my life, it underlies and sets the mood for every moment of every day.
I feel so incredibly unbelievably lucky.  I know that it is at once so normal, so common, for people to have children... and at the same time, I know that it is an unfathomable and breath-taking miracle and it could burst like a bubble at any moment.

As a parent, do you just get used to the fear?

I do it myself...

So the day is here... My baby no longer needs me... She now goes down the big slide all by herself... And again...and again...

score 100!

So today I scored a goal..
Shhhh secretly quietly I have been working towards meeting little personal goals.   I haven't told anyone because frankly I am sick of egg on my face when life takes me in other directions...
But today is not one of those days.
A few weeks ago, frustrated by clutter of both the internal and external types, I set myself the goal of getting rid of 100 things by the end of the month. 
And here we are... the last day of the month... and my "out" pile has well over 100 things in it. 
Really I am only scratching the surface of the cleansing process that needs to continue...
So perhaps I will do this goal again...
But in the meantime - Yippee for me!  I'm off to the Salvos with the bags.

My little artist!

My angel has a new chalk board, and she loooooves it :-) recently she has been obsessively asking us to draw fish with her... But today she drew her own! My little artist! Her first non -squiggle! Although perhaps the regular scrawls are actually blue prints for her master plan and we regular humans are just too silly to notice. She is also learning to write A B C and today did an A and a B that any doctor would have been happy with. I am expecting her to be forging notes to day care any day now :-)

It's cliched, but so true... There is truly nothing more beautiful...

Taking steps...

So I am taking steps forward... For some time now I have felt an increasing frustration with not achieving goals... This is essentially interconnected with my deeper sense of confusion over feeling utterly disconnected from any sense of passion for anything. Apart from my angel, of course, nothing feels like it sets my heart on fire. I feel no real engagement with anything except the abiding sense of stuckness and dissatisfaction that has come to characterize my days... I find myself complaining more and more, and I sit listening to myself wondering who on earth this person is and how I can get far away from her... I am not who I am at the moment... I seem to have drifted aimlessly until suddenly I realize I have been in a rip and am way out at sea, far from the solid ground of me... So I am taking steps... I am setting out on that timeless quest... To rediscover me.

Garden goodies...

I love my garden... Earthy, rich, grounding, abundant, joyful... The primal pleasure of growing food goes beyond the logical and into a soft gentle place inside... It just feels good...

Perspective

My angel was a trial today... She projectile vomited half way through her morning nap, which was hardly deliberate but annoying just the same... Then if course there was no chance if going back to sleep... So all day she has been short tempered, easily frustrated and screechy... She does screechy very well indeed. It is ear splitting and makes me feel like my bones are rubbing together in a sort of nails on a board sort of a way... Exceedingly irritating! And since she was feeling out of sorts she wanted to be on top of me all the time, and to have everything I had... My tea, my diet coke, my phone, my keys... You get the picture... Grrrr.... I got grumpy. And then she dropped a heavy toy on
my toe and I snapped and yelled at her. She looked up at me with such sad little eyes and said "sorry"....and my heart broke audibly."crack!".
And then I got the news that a friends baby died last night... Sudden cot death at 14 months old. I simply cannot, nor want to, imagine the horror.
And suddenly my day is put starkly firmly into perspective... Good night kisses felt extra sweet tonight.

Sent from my iPhone

let them eat cake

I feel like a cake that everyone wants a piece of... I slice myself into little bits, but somehow there is never enough to go around... and the slices get smaller until they become crumby and then no-one is happy anyway.  And at the end of the day, the one who goes hungry is me.  Several people have suggested that I need to make difference choices, but perhaps they mean I should choose to give them more cake and let someone else miss out.  Or perhaps there is some secret understanding, a flash of insight that I am currently lacking that will somehow make sense of how stuck and choice-less I feel. 
All I really want is to keep everyone happy... Is that such a bad thing?  Perhaps not... but it seems impossible.

technology!

I have discovered the world of mobile blogging!  woohoo... prepare for the re-emergence of wanderlust-mamma :-)  I'm back baby!

My Christmas elf...

This $6 Christmas tree was the latest in a long line of devices to enable the child to remain happily in her stroller a little longer while mummy does shopping... Until she tired of it after 10 mins so we dumped it sneakily behind a plus women's rack... A metal one I mean :-)

moments of friendship

So recently I had the joyous opportunity to spend an evening with good friends... friends who are near and far came together for organic gluten free corn chips and some cheesy deliciousness, but the real treat was the simple delight of sitting in a room with people who I love and who love me... people with whom I share a history and a language.  We speak and know that the others will understand.... we refer to past moments and laugh without having to explain... we reflect on this time last year, and the year before... secure in the knowledge that we will reflect on this moment some time next year.  We don't see each other often enough anymore... but this had no impact in the moment, it was like we were always together only with a little added excitement.  These are people who have seen me at my ugliest (morphine swollen post cesarean), my most elated (morphine swollen post cesarean), my funkiest and my droopiest... I have revealed my secrets, held others hearts and hands, agonised and celebrated...
I listened, laughed, learned... but mostly luxuriated in the simple pleasure of friendship.

moments of gorgeousness...

So  my angel is growing and blossoming every day... She is learning new words, understanding new concepts, and frankly shocking, surprising and delighting her mum with her journey of becoming her own little person in the world...

There are so many moments which gleam as jewels in the treasure chest of this parenting experience... I keep forgetting them and so I want to record some here...

Like the day that she demanded the jug of water I was using to fill the iron.  When I refused she got her little fingers up onto the table and yanked the place mat that the jug was sitting on, bringing the lot crashing down.  I was cranky, and told her to go away while I cleaned up the spilled water.... She tottled off with a terribly serious face and plonked herself down in her princess tent.  After a new minutes I heard a little voice from the tent "Naughty, naughty, naughty"....

Or the day she tottled across the grass, picked a little tiny flower and brought it gleefully to her mummy!

Or the day she snuggled herself down in bed when I tucked her in... beamed up and me and said "Happy Baby, Night-night!"

and of course all of the other thousand times that she comes to me with arms extended asking "Mummy, cuddle?!"

So many glistening moments that make the sleepless nights seem insignificant.

the resounding silence

So I am aware, well aware, that my blogging has dropped off.   I regret this... I keep stockpiling little stories and anecdotes, or taking pictures that I would like to upload... but somehow time gets away from me!  And then I hesitate because to break the silence with some moment of relative inconsequence seems somehow inappropriate... yet the ball must roll somehow and here I am, giving it a kick...
(not my real legs... sadly!)

I thought I would create context by reproducing facebook updates from the quiet times...You see I can facebook from my iphone, my dear new iphone (post toilet incident of previous blog post)... so I have time to do that when, oh, I am on the toilet... (although I still shudder involuntarily when I bring the precious iphone within a few metres of the drop zone)...

Voiceless I roam, mouthing silent complaints at the sleeping child... 'I say' said the dumb mum to the deaf child...

Tuesday at 20:10 via Facebook for iPhone

...Is observing, with some concern, the obvious joy of doing a poo and then sitting resolutely on it... Ah the simple pleasures of toddlerdom... 

Monday at 07:46 via Facebook for iPhone

...Is shattered... Utterly... Yet the to-do list beckons... Boo! Leave me be oh darned list! Tis the first night of junior masterchef!

12 September at 19:56 via Facebook for iPhone

 

...Is sort of enjoying my cold stopping my morning exercise routine, but is being guilt tripped by Burt and Ernie doing aerobics... Sneaky kids tv!

12 September at 07:34 via Facebook for iPhone

 ...Is lying in bed nursing a cold, listening to the rain, luxuriating in the silence of the sleeping child, playing iPhone games... Not so bad at all!!'

10 September at 10:35 via Facebook for iPhone

 

09 September at 22:30

mummy's reward for making such an adorable one... ruthlessness in the pursuit of cuteness... waa haa haa

07 September at 23:45

 

Is wondering how to find sunshine on the inside... Blue skies above, drizzle within.

07 September at 11:31 via Facebook for iPhone

 

Where does one buy those cleverly disguised animal backpack child leads??? 1 hour in dfo, one shoplifting runaway child, several new grey hairs for mummy... It's either restraints or hibernation....

05 September at 19:57 via Facebook for iPhone

Is tired but the joy of seeing the absolute wonder in the little angel eyes at her first fireworks show was so worth it....

05 September at 06:58 via Facebook for iPhone 

is off to buy spring seedlings :-)

29 August at 14:24

 

 

You get the idea... I've been sick, I've been loving that kid to within an inch of her pooey bottom life, I've been planting seedlings and embracing spring, despite the odd drizzly day...

Its life, its my life, apparently.  Last week I looked in the mirror and realised that I am about to turn 39... even now my finger hesitates hopefully over the 2 instead of the 3... can I not be 29 again??   I feel more like 28 than 38... Yet somehow my youth is behind me and this... this odd, bubbling along, plodding by, bumping up and down path is THE path... this is THE LIFE that I live!  I spent my youth wondering what THE LIFE I LIVE would be like... and suddenly I realise that this is it.  This is "WHAT I DO"... I work in a semi-meaningful job... I have some pretty nice friends... I have a dear dear little child... I date and make relationships work.... I live in a pretty nice house.  None of it is remarkable, none of it is terrible... its all pretty damn nice and sometimes I feel incredibly lucky and blessed but most of the time I just, well, roll along with it.  I think I thought my life would be somehow more dramatic...more sensational, more... well, more.  

I'm not sure what, if anything, I would want to change... and yet somehow... its like a drink that I swallow in my thirst but don't really taste... it just slips on by and then it is gone... and I want another glass that i can sip and savour and really get the full experience of.... I want another life so that I can live all the options, all the potentials, all the choices.  I have made some pretty adventurous choices in my life, yet also some pretty safe and tame ones.  There is always more that I could, should, would do... and yet... life slips on by and I find myself turning 39.

 

Well actually, my birthday is not really until January so at least I have plenty of time to wallow in angst before then.... oh and think of it... it will then be the count down to 40!  What peaks and troughs I can plow in the move towards that most powerful life marker! 

On with life then! 

the best bl#&$dy feeling ever

So I might be doing the dishes, getting distracted by the kids show on TV, drying my hair or eating something... and I hear, or don't hear, the patter of little feet... and then there she is... looking up at me grinning... a smile of pure joy.  And the reason - just because I am there.  Just coz I am her mum and she thinks I am pretty fantastic.  She looks at me and smiles with her whole face radiating happiness... and in that moment my heart stops for a beat... my breath becomes superfluous... everything in the world contracts into that moment which is at once over in a brief millisecond and at the same time ever-lasting.... my world dissolves into her smile.... and its the best bloody feeling I've ever known.

of giving and receiving...

So I was pondering...
Generosity - what does it really mean?  Or rather... In order to be generous do we have to give without hope or expectation of receiving?  Perhaps there are different layers of generosity - there is that which gives selflessly with no thought or desire for return or reciprocation... There is that which gives openly and with willingness to self sacrifice, however does expect something in balance - a sort of "I'll scratch your itch because I trust that when I need you to, you will scratch mine back"... and then perhaps there is that which says I will give to you, but on my terms and in the ways that suit me.
Which is the better?  Clearly the first is the more noble... yet it is exceedingly rare and somewhat hard to practice in daily life... and there is the slight downside that people may not trust you and think you are mad, or you end up broke and burnt out.  The second seems the most practical - but is it really generosity? 
These are the thoughts that I ponder... but now I hear my child wake and I am off to practice the first sort - except its not really... because I get soooo much back from her.... its not selfless at all!

mummy's perogative :-)

So I made this precious incredible little miracle... surely I am allowed to have some fun with it??

Discovering my inner Pauline

So my angel has reached the age where discipline has become a necessary theme in our relationship.  I am passionately committed to having a child who has good social skills, clear limits and a proper sense of awe for her mother's authority.  Unfortunately I gave birth to a dear sweet poppet who is an Aries, with a Taurus rising and a Virgo moon.  The kid's got guts.  "Stubborn" simply does not describe it.   Sure she smiles angelically while she looks her mother in the eye and gleefully defies her, but this is just not cutting the mustard - it may work on Ga-Ga... but Mummy is not falling for it, damn it!   Unfortunately I am an Aquarian with Cancer rising and a Pisces moon.  You don't get much more airy, watery, soft, gentle, "lets talk about it" than that.  So it is taking a super-human effort to be the B-O-S-S.   Already "NO" has become relatively meaningless... I have spoken it firmly, shouted it, growled it, and repeated it ad-nauseum.  She uses it exceedingly well, but she ignores everyone else's use of it.  (perhaps because we frequently ignore her use of it as well...)  So I have taken a stand with the day care centre and adopted their words... I figure this will help with consistency, and it will be doubly reinforced, and well, it seems to work better.
Now I just need to find a way to not feel like a joke, and to not use a nasty nasal accent, while I am saying "STOP - I DON'T LIIIIIIKE IT"!

(for anyone who doesn't get it... google Pauline Hanson... or enjoy this video)