In all it seems an unfathomable thing. Does it truly defy logic? Or am I just paradoxical in love even more so than in anything else in my skwichy-which-way life? I have loved deeply and with great faith and conviction twice in my life. Since then, I have tried... but its never been quite the same. Is this a natural developmental process - that one never quite loves again in the way one once loved when one was young and full of the blind optimism of naivety? I am asking myself several searching questions at once...
Have I been burnt too often and am I therefore too jaded to really embrace loving without reservation?
Have I changed fundamentally with having a child and therefore am unable to throw myself with abandon into relationships because its all so much more serious now?
Am I getting old and realising that with so little time left and so much still to do, its gotta be "the right choice" (if that exists)?
Am I simply ignorning a wise but subtle inner instinct that tells me that this one is not the one for me?
I would love to love, freely, wildly, joyfully...
Why then don't I just do that?
Recently a friend called me a romantic - which surprised me greatly as my faithful blog readers may recall me coming out firmly in favour of love being a thing which is created by willing logical hard work - not a rare jewel that is miraculously found. Yet this friend's observation of me was that I am romantically waiting for Ms Perfect. This idea galls me no end! I want to believe that love is created not found. Yet perhaps this is where I have been going wrong with the recent patterns of heart ache since my first two loves. Another dear friend tells me that I am simply not discerning enough... and it has been said to me several times before that I seem to have the capacity to love anyone if I put my mind to it... my dear friend tells me it is time for me to hold out for something that feels really unequivocably right, rather than trying to squish bumpy shapes into round heart holes (not in exactly those words! But that is how it feels to me).
Perhaps I don't trust that it will ever happen that way?
Perhaps I have already found it and been too scared, jaded, scarred, issue-laden, self-protective and all that jazz to be able to appreciate it?
Perhaps its all just part of my journey and I need to stop thinking and start breathing and letting things flow and be as they will.
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