Nature in its infinite wisdom....

Blah...
I am trying to stay in a place of peacefulness and acceptance...
I have not done another pregnancy test after the negative test earlier this week broke my heart again. I have a little bottle of intense concentrated "wanting" wrapped up inside me. most of the time I just have to keep it tightly stoppered or the vapourous clouds swirl out and fill me up, pervading my days and the space around me. To others I suppose I seem relatively normal on the outside... one could be forgiven for thinking that my life is rolling along as relatively smoothly...that other things are important to me...that I am not overly worrying... which is all true.... while the cork is in the bottle tighly sealing in the fumes of longing....
On Tuesday this week I cracked the seal a little... I sensed life turning, twisting out of my control.... I wanted, I wanted, I wanted.... I wanted a miracle to hold onto. But no. No little blue line. A tiny drop of ink that is so little but would mean so much. Hope, a future, new beginnings, everything being different and shiny and full of dreams come true.
So for now.... I'm trying my best to shove that cork back in, wrap it in cloth... and breath. Let nature takes its course...try not to shake my fist at her and shout "come on damn you! I deserve this one little piece of happiness!"