holy crap

Ok so now I am getting really scared...
Holy crap - I am going to be a mother... this little baby is kicking around like mad... she is making herself felt as a strong little entity... and I am counting down the weeks until I give birth. And it feels like finally a sense of reality is kicking in - I was focussed on getting pregnant - then I was focussed on staying pregnant - then I was focussed on the physicality of being pregnant... and now all of a sudden I am realising that in 15 or less short weeks I am going to be a mother. For the rest of my life.
I hold tight to the knowledge that once upon a time, and for a long time, I was really really sure that I wanted this. I hold tight to the knowledge that I do know, under the fear, that I am capable of being a good mum. I hold tight to the fact that once I knew these things because... at the same time as feeling so incredibly familiar - this process also feels so incredibly unfathomably ridiculously surreal. I find myself, at random moments, thinking "oh my god, what was I thinking?!!".... I find myself completely overwhelmed by the reality that there is no way back now! And my life is never going to be the same again. Recently I was driving away from dropping M off at day care and I suddenly realised that - very soon - that is going to be my life - I am going to be one of those mothers... and almost had to stop the car and throw up because, just for a moment, the reality was too much for me.
God I hope those birth hormones are good.