21 inner beauty inspirations #1

1. Taking a genuine interest in others...
I notice how often conversations with others are exchanges of self focussed stories, rather than genuine conversations which unravel the superficial and get to the heart of a friend's state of being.  I notice how much having young children at the table influences the superficiality of friendships - its much harder to get into an in depth discussion about the more personal aspect of a friend's experiences of life when really, you can only listen with half a brain, and watch with one eye.  I notice how many of my friendships are now based on these half focussed interactions in which story telling is the default because you can do that while multi-tasking and it doesn't require eye contact.
So I ask myself - how can I return to a way of being in which I am able to take a genuine interest in others in the context of their lives?  I reflect on the people I love best, and they are all people who are able to do that - who make me feel like they are really truly interested in what I am thinking, feeling, doing, experiencing...and why that is.  These are the people I miss most, the people I most want to talk to after a hard day, and the people who I am most interested in learning more about.
I am genuinely interested and caring of other people in my life - how can I express and foster that more - to both enhance this inner beauty, and to connect better with the inner beauty of others.
I can :
1. take time to call instead of text.
2. text out of the blue because I am thinking of a friend - and ask them how they are
3. send emails instead of reading about people's lives on facebook and assuming I know whats going on for them
4. randomly contact people I haven't spoken to in years but still think fondly of
5. ask ask ask tell instead of tell ask tell...  a rich conversation has both parties present and included - not all focussed on the other - but I will try to make it less than 25% about me, and the rest about them...questions, reflections, actually asking about the things I am interested in.  Sometimes I hold back out of not wanting to be seen as prying...but its time to put that fear aside and ask.  After-all - I love it when people are interested enough to ask me, and I trust my friends to have boundaries around not feeling pressured to talk about things that they are not comfortable sharing.
6.  Listen, really listen.  The most important part - no point asking and not really paying attention to the answer... when the interest is genuine the listening is a given.
By maintaining focus on others I become the friend I want to be.
And true friends are beautiful.

cReflecting on capable... I realize that I spend a lot of energy trying to fit the standards and expectations of others... And not enough on being appreciative of myself the way I am.... I have a lot of great qualities... I'm generous, kind, creative, interesting, adventurous, warm, funny, patient, a great cook, a great friend and a wonderful mother... I have an open heart and mind, I am sincere, honest and courageous. I can laugh at myself and own my own stuff and take responsibility for myself. I'm smart and I learn new things fast. I have great ideas and communicate really well. I have a good sense of perspective on life, am non-judgmental and very likable. I can be wise and perceptive, and courageously honest with myself and others. These are just some of the great things about me.
Yes, my super is a mess, yes, my budgeting skills leave a bit to be desired, yes I have too much clutter in my house, and I'm a bit disorganized in some areas of life... Yes, my life goals are a bit unfocussed because I am still not really fixed on specific priorities and strategies to meet them... But I'm very capable of being a really lovely person... And that I appreciate.
Sent from my iPhone

Friendship

So some time ago I blogged about friendship...(here).... I wrote about the ever changing enigma that friendship is to me.  As an Aquarian it is typical that my friends are the centre of my world... and deeply important to me... and this is very much the case for me.  I struggle however... sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the joy of feeling surrounded by dear dear people that I cherish, flooded with the richness of friendship, feeling wrapped in its warm hug.  Other times I feel terribly alone.  I feel that for all the effort I make, the sense of connectedness that I so crave is elusive, transient, like sand - hard to keep a hold on.  I fear aloneness deeply... I fear the loss of friendship... I fear being abandoned, misunderstood, judged and cast aside by my friends.... So when people hurt me, put me out, demand of me in ways that I find difficult, I tend to push it aside, ignore it, move through it - the friendship is more important to me... However I find it so deeply distressing when others do not do the same.  When I find out that someone I consider a friend is upset, offended, put out by me...when they are closed to me, rejecting, push me away... this breaks my heart.  I will literally lie awake all night worrying... I feel like my guts are torn... I become deeply unsettled, confused, saddened... It seems that friendship is a double edged sword in my life - at once my life-blood, my breath, my joy de vivre...and at the same time the source of my darkest moments.  

Being friends means being there for each other at all times, whether it's good or bad. A friend needs to be very understanding and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Ideally the meaning of friendship is sharing unconditional love for each other. However this is not an ideal world; therefore some form of expectations are allowed, but that has a limit too. The purpose and meaning of friendship is to make life's burdens lighter for our friends and not make them heavier.

trust in truth

So recently I accused my friend of hurting me, when actually I had hurt myself, my friend was merely an unwilling participant in the process...In response to my hurt, my friend became hurt. And eggshells were broken in attempts to avoid more hurt. And it reminds me again that at the end of the day, it is honesty and trust that matters - even when it hurts. Through honesty comes growth. Surviving pain can bring depth and strength to individuals and to friendships.

So recently I wrote this to my friend. And I wrote it to myself...

"I have learned the hard way that when we act, in life, it is impossible to avoid hurting others, and ourselves, at times. Yet the alternative, paralysing non-action, is unthinkable and unworkable. No matter how hard we try not to hurt anyone, to avoid any pain, we crush ants under our feet with each step and when we are honest with the world there will be times when our words and actions poke others in their soft tender parts. This does not mean, as tracy said, that we should ever stop being honest (when it is not intentionally malicious of course).
Every action has a consequence, sometimes many, and what matters most is how we deal with those consequences - we cannot spend life avoiding risks, we can only strengthen our capacity to survive them, and to learn from them. Often it is through pain that the greatest learning and growth comes.

The fear of pain can be much more debilitating than pain itself. Pain passes eventually, fear lasts a lifetime.

So I say live in truth, trust others to be able to handle your truth, and know that you and others have the strength within to survive and even flourish."