I notice how often conversations with others are exchanges of self focussed stories, rather than genuine conversations which unravel the superficial and get to the heart of a friend's state of being. I notice how much having young children at the table influences the superficiality of friendships - its much harder to get into an in depth discussion about the more personal aspect of a friend's experiences of life when really, you can only listen with half a brain, and watch with one eye. I notice how many of my friendships are now based on these half focussed interactions in which story telling is the default because you can do that while multi-tasking and it doesn't require eye contact.
So I ask myself - how can I return to a way of being in which I am able to take a genuine interest in others in the context of their lives? I reflect on the people I love best, and they are all people who are able to do that - who make me feel like they are really truly interested in what I am thinking, feeling, doing, experiencing...and why that is. These are the people I miss most, the people I most want to talk to after a hard day, and the people who I am most interested in learning more about.
I am genuinely interested and caring of other people in my life - how can I express and foster that more - to both enhance this inner beauty, and to connect better with the inner beauty of others.
I can :1. take time to call instead of text.
2. text out of the blue because I am thinking of a friend - and ask them how they are
3. send emails instead of reading about people's lives on facebook and assuming I know whats going on for them
4. randomly contact people I haven't spoken to in years but still think fondly of
5. ask ask ask tell instead of tell ask tell... a rich conversation has both parties present and included - not all focussed on the other - but I will try to make it less than 25% about me, and the rest about them...questions, reflections, actually asking about the things I am interested in. Sometimes I hold back out of not wanting to be seen as prying...but its time to put that fear aside and ask. After-all - I love it when people are interested enough to ask me, and I trust my friends to have boundaries around not feeling pressured to talk about things that they are not comfortable sharing.
6. Listen, really listen. The most important part - no point asking and not really paying attention to the answer... when the interest is genuine the listening is a given.
By maintaining focus on others I become the friend I want to be.
And true friends are beautiful.
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