Facing Fear

So today I had an appointment with a very interesting man.
He is a meditator, chinese herbalist, accupunturist, counsellor and GP. And boy does he know how to push buttons.
I went to see him to talk about feeling tired and stressed and run down, and to get some advice on re-focussing my energy on positive fertility and preparing myself physically and mentally for becoming pregnant.
I cried...
Lots....
How easy it is to escape into the mind when the heart is heavy. Retreating to my head has been the way I have been coping with the constant fear in my heart... Mostly I fear not being able to bring a child into my womb and life. At the same time I fear having a child and the awesome change and responsibility that brings, however that fear seems easier to sit with. I feel paralysed by fear that I will get stuck on a merry-go-round of failed attempts rather than being on a journey to a destination.
In my head I know I am fighting the odds.
In my heart I am full of fear.
Dr C said that the process of becoming pregnant is a dialogue between me and a future child who is deciding if the time is right to come to me. All I could think was "oh no - I can't talk to them, what if they say No!?"
When I moved back from Fiji I was focussed, grounded... this time was supposed to be all about creating a happy, fertile, strong place for a child to be conceived.
Instead I fill my head to avoid the fear in my heart... My body aches with the tension I carry... I am so tired everyday... I am engaged in a constant battle to distract myself from the one thing I want to be thinking about yet can't bear to think about.

This morning I was lying in bed, mentally preparing for the day, and I found myself thinking "oh I hope I am not pregnant... I have too much to do". A second later I realised what I had said in my mind, and I was shocked and horrified at myself! And deeply saddened. It shows how far north my priorities have shifted while I wasn't paying attention. I was trying so hard not to be consumed by it all that I have lost focus.

The positive thing is that I now see this more clearly and am determined to refocus.
My body and my heart are the most important things right now... I can't think a baby into being... but I can redirect my energy into creating a happy place inside me.