a pregnant pause....

So I ponder...

How life changes...

Once upon a time, not so long ago, I swam with rainbow coloured tropical fish...
I drank decorated cocktails
I wore floral frocks, slept naked under a fan, and it was too hot for anything but the strappiest of sandals...

Now...
I shiver in flannel pajamas
Swim daily in traffic
Drink coffee
and wear my new black knee high boots....

The boots are gorgeous, and a symbol...
I'm not a run-away on a tropical island anymore. This is real life now.

And in 48-72 hours time I might be pregnant.
I swim through my days and I can't think about the reality of the situation. I start to hyperventilate if I allow theory to get into bed with reality... as soon as the fingers of my mind start to tickle a sense of the enormity of what I am doing my heart seizes and I can't breath...

Its not just the simple fact that once I am pregnant my entire life and every aspect of my future will be radically different... its that rolled up with the hugeness of the responsibility and commitment involved in being a parent....plus the realisation of something that has been my constant obsession and desire for the last 20 years. Sometimes I have feared that I have held onto the dream of a child to make everything else in my life ok somehow... but the closer I get to the dream becoming a reality the less it seems to be about that. I am no longer sure what it is about... I am running blind on the feeling that this is the only thing that makes sense, the only choice that feels so right that it does not feel like a choice I am making... it feels more like simply allowing a process to come to fruition.

All I can do is trust.
and wait
and hope
and breath...