its all about team work...

latest words of little angel delight... "mum, can you please help me pick up the pretend milk?" Me : "have you made a mess sweetie?" "yes can you please help me... its about team work mummy"...

another shining milestone...

So my kid has learned the fine art of subterfuge it seems.... this afternoon she came running to me to beg me to come and take care of the wasp flying around in her room... As I entered her room she suddenly realised I would see the open packet of lollies on her bed.... She did a quick swivel, positioned herself in front of the lollies and declared "oh, its ok mum, there is nothing wrong here".... at least she admitted, when confronted, that she was trying to hide the lollies. At which point I let her eat them because she was just too damn cute.

making an angel smile

 

So there are a great many things that I would like to do in life... so many that I most often find myself tangled in the web of choices and rendered immobile by the limitless options... But in the last month or so I have realised, more than ever, that there is really only one path that matters most.  I have a great many things that I would like to be doing with my life - if I was just thinking about me.  Thus far I have pulled myself in knots trying to tick off the good parent goal on my list and as many others as possible at the same time.  This New Year I realise that actually the thing that really makes me happy is making this little face smile.  In the end I can put aside my stressing about which is the most meaningful path to take and whether to save the world or be an artist or study or grow vegetables...because in the end there is only one litmus test to pass - do my choices make my angel happy?  and all the rest is compromise.

2013

Well "Hi There" 2013...  What have you got in store for me then?
2012 was a mammoth year... It's been tough in many ways but....and I am trying to avoid sounding cliched but hey, if you can't get away with it on new year when can you? ... I really do feel that it's been transformative.  I have had to reach inside myself and find reserves, draw on them, push myself to see what I can do, stand on my own two feet with no-one else to blame or fall back on, and bloody grow up.  I feel like a very different person this New Year's Eve.  Some years pass with barely a ruffle of the feathers and we ask ourselves "Hey!?...What happened to that whole year?"  This was not one of those years.
It's been a tough slog at times but I'm not complaining about that... Hard work is its own reward in so many ways.... And this year is no different.  I have grown as a person and even while whinging I have relished the challenges... I think the hardest part of this year has been my loss of optimism.  Entirely separately to the actual events in my own life... I have found myself watching the world around me in increasing horror.  I have found myself tossed by a flood of despair over the deeply unfair and unjust and just plain evil state of humanity.  I stepped out of my comfort zone in a big way this year... And I gotta say... I did not like what I saw.  I thnk deep down I always believed that somehow there was a balance of good and evil in the world, that injustice was eventually righted, and stupidity eventually educated with patience and perspective.  I have lost that belief this year.  In 2012 I realised that the world really is intent on self destruction and that the bad people are in power, and that all around the world there is unspeakable horror happening every day and NO ONE IS STOPPING IT!
So 2012 threatened to suck me into a dark place of despair at the futility of trying to make the world a better place...and without that...I don't know what is left to motivate me to keep on keeping on.  I would sit by my daughters bed side watching her sleep and find myself filled with fear for her future, and wracked with frustrated powerlessness...
But like a bubble in a glass... I won't go down... I will find a way up again somehow.  The only way I can think of is by making 2013 my year of spirituality and inner balance.  I let my inner balance get sorely drained by lack of sleep, poor health habits and pure dogged determination to ignore anything but external obligations this year... 2013 I will change this.  I need to find my way back to a deeper sense of meaning in the suffering of life, and some sense of what the hell to do about it.... And to do that I need some inner quiet and wellbeing.  So this year is my year of reaching deeper to find the ultimate truths and sit within them.
So that's my journey this year... What is yours?

So what next then....

So I have 8 months left on my I contract saving a little piece of the world, and I am determined that when that time comes I shall move on..., which begs the question... To where shall I move? I'm once again at a cross roads... Which may well be the most salient feature of my career... I took this current CEO malarkey as a chance to make a difference in the world again, to feel valuable and valued, to push myself to grow and develop new skills... And of course to boost my career options. It certainly has done all of these things except that I remain unconvinced on the last point. I am sure that it has indeed boosted my career options immeasurably.... What I am less sure on is whether I want them boosted anymore.
If I am to capitalize on the boost I have to make sure that my next job is also a very senior management role....which necessarily means long hours, stress and preasure, and quite probably comtinued sacrifices in my health, social life and parenting.....and that is where the collage starts to come unstuck... I see little pieces of the picture start to flutter in the breeze because I find myself very unsure that this is actually the path I want to take.
I was determined to make a name for myself, to angle myself into the roles that would give me enough power to overcoming my abiding sense of frustration with the injustices of the world... I also, to be honest, wanted to earn a decent amount of money so that I could have an independent sense of pride in my own financial achievements... But now I am looking at the pay-offs in reality and it's not a picture that I feel comfortable hanging on my wall.
I am a parent...and while I love it, it doesn't fulfil me entirely... But still, I don't want to compromise the quality and enjoyment that is so abundant in my relationship with my daughter. I see myself putting work before her too often and I do not like it, not one little bit.  I see her frustration and sadness and hear her anger at my puter's invasion in her life and then the pride of financial independence feels pretty lame.  I feel the frustration of being too tired, stressed and distracted to properly teach my daughter to swim, to write her name, to sing songs and take joy in life outside DVDs and the wish to feel less frustrated at the state of world is kind of slammed into perspective... . If I can't do my little part well I figure I have no business taking on the big picture.... And at the same  time I also increasingly despair at the state of the world.... As I age and lose my sense of optimistic naivity I see the horrors mounting, the sheer madness taking grip more extremely, the endlessness of the bad news and I realize that I can sacrifice my own joys, my child's joys, and the chances of actually making any dint in the overall misery of the world is zip to zilch.  
And I realize also that I am a person who needs people... I need a strong sense of connectedness with others, and damn it, I want a partner... I want a person to hold my hand, share my joys, and to lean on me when it's their time.  I want someone that my life comes back to.  I want love in my life... I've been seeking it, and scared of it, for a long time.  I want to face the fear and I want to grow old with plans for the future that stand on two feet...or four....you know what I mean... I CAN do it alone, but I don't want to. I need to stand still for a while and let myself connect with others.... I need to unbusy my life enough to fit good people in.
So here I am on  a threshold of future greatness...and I am not sure that I want it. I think I want a simpler life, a smaller life that is like the tardis... Small and inconspicuous on the outside,  but huge and surprisingly amazing on the inside.... I want to live green, clean and simple. I want to meditate and be peaceful inside.... I want to teach my daughter to grow her own food and to treasure the bugs precious lives.  And I am not a person who can do it all... So I think I choose simple, I choose love, I choose friendship, I choose to sacrifice some of my grand dreams to build the smaller ones properly.... I think!

2012 I kick your ass....

It's coming to the end of the year that was 2012.... To say "it's been quite a year" is sort of like saying that the Category 5 Cylcone Evan that ended my working year was "quite a windy day". In fact, my year was actually a whole lot like that cyclone... Wild, unpredictable, hard work, exhausting, damaging and powerful.... Life feels a lot like its been flying past me in the 200 odd kms an hour breezes.  I have 8 months left on my contract and I can't wait to finish and come home.... But of course I have to come to terms with what that means and what it says about the person I have become.   The simple answer would be to say that I've grown soft and want an easier life... But I don't think it's that. If I peel back the onion I realize it's more about seeking something that's missing for me in this life that I thought I wanted.  I have dreamed of being the intrepid aid worker... Making a difference in the world... And I expected it to be hard work... But something is missing in it for me.... It's not giving me the deep satisfaction that I sought... And I realize that is about connectedness. I feel like an outsider there... I don't belong, I don't have a community....

Phew.... funding fun

So its been a hellish couple of months facing the imminent loss of our funding.  The end of our current funding came and went, and I was forced into the unenviable task of giving termination notices to 75 people who are more like a big family than a work force.  Perhaps its different when its people who are working from their hearts, counsellors and social workers who are giving of themselves in their work every day, for crappy wages, because they believe in the value of the work that they do... Perhaps it always sucks to have to fire people, regardless of who they are or what they do.   In any case these lovely people moved me with their ability to smile through their tears and stay focused on supporting each other through this personal and professional crisis.
Its been a roller coaster last few weeks with glimmers of hope regularly dashed on the rocks of economic pragmatism and realisation of our own insignificance in the bureaucracy of aid.
BUT at the last minute... we were snatched from the jaws of defeat by a sudden turn around and as of 3pm yesterday we suddenly have enough funding to keep going.  PHEW... we will lose a few staff, and things will be tight... but most of the staff will still have jobs, and most of our essential work will continue... we will even get to expand slightly in some areas.  We will restructure, be meaner and leaner, but ideally we will work better and smarter as a result.
And I am thus remaining in the tropics for my full term... another year under the palm trees... a bitter sweet prospect.  And at least I don't have to look for a job in QLD at the moment!  (PS the only silver lining in the horror of Qld slash and burn politics is that it did make me feel a little better about our funding struggles!)

cold shower season

 

So its officially cold shower season...
Some people measure seasons by the way the garden blooms, some by seasonal fruits.  Some people measure by the calendar and some by memories of seasons past...
Me, I measure the start of summer by the point at which I stop using the hot water tap.  And we are certainly there... phew...

an angel's best friend...

So my professional life is really really crap at the moment... thats the truth.
but I thank the stars and my own perseverance for the little person in my life who brings me such joy despite the horror of the rest.
This morning I sat at my computer for a few moments while I prepared myself for the day and she pottered around creating her universe of interactive imagination for the morning...
And a little voice broke through my thoughts
"Hmmmm I wonder where my best friend mummy is?  I had better go and find her..."
And in that moment I was not the CEO of a doomed NGO that has lost its funding base... I was not the over tired, not sleeping, burnt out shell of a person that I feel like a lot of the time.
I was an angel's best friend.
Melting priceless moments.

lookin' like mummy...

She is looking more like me as she grows older... its such a strange feeling!  There are differences, and then there are momentary looks... quite surreal!

a weekend....

So I took the weekend off.  I am surprised at myself, and I am feeling rather guilty indeed.  But I took the whole weekend off.  I know, I know... it shouldn't be such a big deal, self care is important...yudda yudda... I know all of that.  But still, I am stunned that I did it.  I took the whole weekend off.  Even now - I sat down to do work, and I didn't.  What's in a weekend?  Well... I think its both a sign of my complete mental burn out, and a remedy.  I am not entirely sure if I am attempting to fix my broken brain by taking the weekend off...or if I am incapable of anything else because my brain is broken.
Once upon a time I thought I was pretty invincible.  I wanted to save the world...and I figured I had it in me if I could just find an opportunity to prove it.  I am was the girl who believed that.  I had always been pretty successful at the stuff I did, so I figured that would carry me through.  But I am learning that I have limits.  I am old and I am tired.  I have limits and I am no longer sure that I have it in my to save the world.  I think perhaps its time to throw in the towel.  I have another year here, and a very large mess to fix.  And when I am done, I think perhaps I am done.  Maybe then I can rest on my laurels and tell myself that I didn't save the world, but I did do good in a little part of it, and thats enough.  I don't want to work with gang raped infants in Liberia.  I don't want to work with women burning themselves in Afganistan.  I don't think I have it in me to do the things I am passionate about changing.  I wish I did...but I fear that I don't.  I don't have any clue what on earth I am going to do with the rest of my life... but I am starting to be pretty sure that I won't spend it saving the world.  I think its time for me.  I think its time for me to find a little piece of happiness and try and hold onto it.  I think its time to stop trying to look around the corner all the time...time to stop looking for the big thing that will make my life mean something.  I think its time to meditate more, to work on saving my inner world.  I think its time to accept that I am not the person that I thought I might be, I am not the one who saves the world.  I'm tired.  I'm old... and I want a home.  I want a love.  I want peace.  I want to find joy instead of struggling through each day.
So I took the weekend off.  And yes, I feel guilty.  No platitudes or rationalisations please - I am allowed to feel guilty about neglecting the work that was due and the part of myself that did want to do it.  I feel guilty because I am torn between two options, both of which I want - a productive work weekend and a weekend off.  Either choice would have left me regretting the other.    But I made a choice.  I drank cocktails and swam with my angel.  I read Sherlock Holmes instead of writing proposals.  I watched Weeds and Greys Anatomy instead of doing statistics.
I am burnt out... and I hope I find my energy and drive again tomorrow... but for now... I am going to bed to enjoy the last of my weekend off.

putting myself back together

slowly coming out of the haze of mental burn out is like trying to find all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that have been scattered in the bottom of the toy box.  Until all the pieces are in place and the picture recreated there is a pervasive anxiety provoked by the fear that some of the best bits are lost forever in the same parallel universe as all those black socks....

dark days

crumbling, slipping, nails tearing at the earth as it slides past...
these are dark days that are leading to darker places
alone, bewildered, overwhelmed
angry tears of frustration pile up in the box like holiday mail...

priorities

So I am feeling kind of torn.  On the one hand I am fighting tooth and nail to protect the services that I believe in, the organisation that has grown over 18 years, the staff who have given their all for the psychosocial wellbeing of our clients... on the other hand I am not entirely unsympathetic when I am told that the health funding is going into preventing babies from dying of pneumonia (common here) and gastro (too common also) and adults in their prime dying of diabetes, or having limbs amputated...and that until the very basic levels of health care are in place to keep people alive, mental health just doesn't figure on the agenda.  It kind of takes the wind out of my fight.  I will keep on keeping on, but you know, just saying...

angry

I feel like I spent my life in phases of anger versus numbness. I have stages when I don't think about the rampant inequity, the abuses, the torture, the greed, the stupidity, the damn injustice of the world.... in those stages I manage to stay pretty numb and just focus on my little piece of the world and making it a little happier...I only focus on my friends, the people I love, my garden, my home, fun outings and entertainment... and then I remember. And then I walk around with a pit of anger and frustration in my belly... I rage inside at the horror of the world and my own powerlessness to change it. I try to change my little piece of the world and make it a little fairer, but still I feel deeply angry and overwhelmed by the state of things... This is an angry stage.

facing the impossible and staring the F*cker down...

Its crisis time in my world.  Its a turning point where everything we have worked for is set to crumble...
An AUSAID quirk threatens the existence of our whole organisation...
My heart is blue and heavy, my head is weary and worried, my back is tight and I am mentally rehearsing the speech I give when I tell all of my staff that we can no longer pay their wages...
And at the same time...I am coming out fighting.  In the next three weeks we need to achieve the impossible if we are to survive.... and damn it... my fighting spirit is coming out.  I will win this damn it.  Those suits are not going to unravel 18 years of blood sweat and tears with one ill conceived funding decision... I will work harder than ever, longer, better than ever...and we will win....

21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #21

21.  Finish what I begin.
ARG!  I have never been good at finishing... I avoid endings.  Relationships, assignments, jobs, sentences...I don't like full stops.  I avoid going to bed at night, my fridge is full of jars with the last bit still in them, my shelves are full of half read books and my life is driven by the next new challenge rather than finishing the one I am living at the time... I am a huge fan, you may have noticed, of the "..."  I like to leave things open, open to the possibility of continuation...
I was planning on finishing my 21 posts on inner beauty with a retrospective of the other 20 posts, under the them "learn from the past"...but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I noticed I was avoiding it... And I realised - this typifies one of my great life challenges.  I love beginning, and avoid ending.
This has been a double edged sword.
In some situations it has brought me rewards - I have hung on, with patience and fortitude, and the rewards have been that things and people are still in my life that wouldn't have been otherwise...this blog is one example!
On the other side of the sword it has meant that I have left things unresolved, hung on too long, left doors open that should have been closed, been cowardly, and this has sometimes brought sadness and frustration to myself and other affected people.
And the big downside is the blow that it strikes to my sense of accomplishment in life.  I don't finish things - I get to the very last stage, and I lose momentum.  Diets, tasks, goals... so often just short of accomplished.  I am so often "going well" until I am not anymore.
I have spent many many hours, and a lot of therapy money, trying to work on this in myself.  What is my resistance to finishing?  Is it addiction to the joy of new beginnings, do I get bored, do I fear admitting that is "as good as it gets", do I feel inadequate and always hope for more time to meet expectations, was I never really committed to the outcome??...blah blah blah....I think its time to stop asking the question "why" and just start doing it.
So as I FINISH this challenge, I acknowledge that it was tempting to either never post the 21st post... or to keep going, to decide to go to 100..... but I wouldn't finish it and it would be another thing on my list of unfinished self challenges - so I won't.
I have enjoyed this, and I have learned from it, and now it is finished.  I do feel slightly more beautiful on the inside for undertaking this process... and I have reinvigorated my sense of commitment to self improvement.
My new self challenge... JFI.  "Just Finish It".

21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #20

20.  Take the first little step.
So I have been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work that I am having to face in the next three weeks. And I have been avoiding it... I fill my time with the hundred little issues that come through in emails...and I avoid the big bastards.  And the anxiety is building...
Last night I took a small step towards achieving... and it felt good.  And now, I am going to take another small step... and soon - I know - I will feel less paralysed and more engaged... and then, I will be in the swing.  Taking one small step can make a big difference.
This goes for everything in life - growing as a person, relationships, health, parenting, life goals... its all about taking the first step... and moving forward... trusting that these little steps will, indeed, sometimes make a big difference.

21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #19

19. Embracing age



I love this.  And I love being 40.  I am not so keen on life running out...but I love being older.  I love feeling like a grown up.  I love feeling worthy of respect and not fighting to overcome the stigma of youthful inexperience.  I love having a history.  I love looking back at all I have learned and how it has shaped who I have become.  I love not stressing about how I look any more, because I am more than that.
I am more than ok, for now, with ageing.
I am loving focussing on the inner beauty of who I am.

21 inner beauty inspirations #18

18.  Stay inspired.  Stay focused.   Look at the big picture.