truth and no more mrs nice.

So today I have been thinking about truth and friendship. Recently I discovered that my friend has been concealing a truth from me. I understand that she did it out of a wish to protect me from being hurt by the truth, however the result is that I am much more hurt by the deception than by the truth itself. I am much more hurt by feeling disrespected, and by the loss of trust that it brings.
And I reflect on the fact that we humans do this commonly. We hide things from each other every day. We don't tell the people who are dear to us a whole range of small to big things from"that skirt makes you look fat" to "I don't love you anymore". We tell ourselves we are doing it for the other person's good, to cushion them from ugly reality, to protect our relationship with them, to avoid hurtful consequences. In reality I think that rarely is avoiding speaking the truth a selfless act. Most often, I think, it is a way of protecting ourselves from facing the challenge of being real, being honest, being nakedly our true selves. Mostly I think that, as kind people, it is painful to risk hurting others, so we protect ourselves from the anxiety by pushing truth under the nearest rug. We tell ourselves that the other person would not want to know... when really, that choice is not ours to make.

I think that real courage lies in giving people honest information and respecting that they are capable enough, strong enough, mature enough to deal with reality. I think that real trust is in trusting that other people can know you and your truth and still accept you. I think that real friendship is based on having the guts to be real with your friends. Even if it means taking the risk that they will be momentarily upset. In hiding behind telling ourselves that we are protecting other people - we are actually protecting ourselves from the work of being real.

Its not easy I know... And for me this is tied up in being "nice"... at the same time as I reflect on truth and trust, I know that the thing that most stands in the way of me being totally honest with others is usually my own compulsive niceness. My compulsion for protecting others takes the form of protecting others from my own feelings. I put the potential hurt of others before my own hurt, suck mine away inside and don't show it, so that I can care for others feelings first, not be demanding, be tolerant and understanding at all times... and it sounds all so altruistic...but in reality the other level of it is that I fear that others will reject me if I am not nice, if I show my hurt or anger or expectations or other not-nice emotion. I don't trust that others will always accept me unless I make it really easy for them...So I protect myself by protecting others by being NICE.

And I realise that NICE does not do me any favours in the long run. I have not risked the relationship, but nor have I allowed myself to be fully present in it. And nor have I honoured my own needs within in...so the relationship loses its integrity and ends up dotted with hidden landmines of unexpressed resentment. And I end up feeling like a doormat. The perils of niceness are that we don't risk the relationship in the short term, but we risk not being respected, and ultimately being badly mistreated. I find it is often true that squeaky wheels do get more attention, and the nice one staying quiet and being understanding gets pushed aside while the one who is stomping their foot and say "Hey! Thats not good enough!" gets attended to. And ultimately - who would you choose to go shopping with - the friend who always says you look good (even when you kinda know you don't) or the one who honestly tells you that the skirt doesn't suit you? Having the courage to be real is painful in the short term but the rewards are in longer term respect and quality of relationship. Sure, some friendships might not survive, but they were relationships with a mask of you - not the real you...

I realise, once again, that it is time to remind myself to take risks on moving past my habitual mask of niceness and to be more real. Just as I expect others to respect me enough to be able to hear their truths, I need to trust others enough to expect that they will accept the rich tapestry of me.