go you firemen....

and in a note of amusement through the haze of sickness... you may recall the recent inclusion of a photo I found particularly bemusing...
Well my dear friend has provided a translation of the mystery words...

Apparently it says "Firemen excepted"

Ah... now it all makes sense....
Those crazy Europeans....

blah... time flies..

I am sick...blah... sometimes I relish sick days... lying in bed, snuggled up with nothing to do and nowhere to go... a time out of the merry-go-round to just contemplate one's place in the world...
Not this time. This time I have waaaay too much to do...
Ye Ol Opportunity knocking has foiled my best laid plans to have a quiet, relaxed, low stress life... and now life has laid me out.. blast and botheration!

Blah.

And such is the drop in anxiety levels for the second insemination attempt that I almost lost track of the days... and suddenly - bomph... Its Day 10 already.... So tomorrow the game show starts again with early morning blood tests... and I'll have number 28 for an elevated LH level thanks Eddy... here we go again!

The girls in my life...

Two homes...
Two sets of loving eyes...
Lots of opportunity to practice saying the mummy "no" even when confronted by those adorable faces :-)
How wonderful to be so surrounded by love :-)

And my herbs are growing beautifully too :-)

Inspirational Words #99958470087

Am home sick... brain addled.... but gazing at these inspirational words that hang on the wall beside my spunky new "home office"... and in my usual spirit of sharing... this is what they say...

The Paradox of Our Age

We have bigger houses but smaller families
more convenience but less time
We have more degrees, but less sense
more knowledge but less judgement
more experts, but more problems
more medicines, but less healthiness
We've been all the way to the moon and back
but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour
We built more computers to hold more information
to produce more copies than ever
but have less communication
We have become long on quantity
but short on quality
These are times of fast foods
but slow digestion
Tall men but short character
Steep profits but shallow relationships
It is a time when there is much in the window
but nothing in the room...

I can relate... as I find myself drawn back into western developed lifestyles. Today I found myself looking at ebay trying to think of something to buy. Gads! At least this week I donated to the education fund of a Nepalese boy who's father is going through alcohol rehab, and I bought a soccer ball and two whistles for an East Timorese youth awareness through sports program. A small attempt to karmically balance the purchase of my sexy black boots...

Someone who read my blog called me "terribly earnest"... I took it as a great compliment... I like to think a bit. I know I don't think deeply enough, read enough papers, watch world news often enough, learn enough or act on my beliefs enough... but at least I am earnest in moments... :-)

From the mouths of babes...

Ah the joys of a 2.5 year old.... going on 35....

Some of her one-liners have us in stitches ...

Tonight her mother asked her not to draw on her hand please....

To which she responds "Mummy, you are not speaking nicely to me... I like you to speak nicely please".

Last week she was splashing water out of the bath despite being told not to... to which mummy says "M... you are being a child!"

and of course you can guess the response...

"but mummy... I am a child!"

Goddess of the pointy bits

My friend sent me a picture of her favourite fertility goddess... for good luck...
She is fabulous....!
She is a Neolithic Yarmukian fertility goddess from the 6th millenium B.C.E. Over 8000 years old!
Awesome... I will honour and praise her accordingly...

Although I must say...
For aesthetic appreciation I think I will ALSO pay homage to a more modern fertility focussed female... Our sense of feminine beauty seems to have evolved somewhat over the last 8000 years... and well, lets just say... progress can be a wonderful thing... bring it on I say!

Not this time...

So I am officially not pregnant... nature has taken its course... and I am out of limbo...
I expected that I might feel sad, that I may grieve the lost phantom pregnancy... actually I feel fine. The abiding sense is more one of relief to know the state of play rather than constantly analysing every nether-zone twinge...
My wonder-boy donor is back from overseas today and charmingly encouraging as always :-) He's happily counting down to trying again in 2 short weeks...

It seems my life is now divided into 2 week chunks... 2 weeks til ovulation, then 2 weeks to find out the results... and on it goes... until of course life becomes divided into trimesters :-)

In the meantime I am practicing as hard as I can with the edibly gorgeous wee blue-eyed babe... relishing broken sleep nights with heart-rending buba coughs echoing in baby-monitors... and the wonderful wafting scents of night vomits...

And twinkle blue eyed mamma and I have passed the 4 month mark with a cosy night of apple crumble and crackling fire... putting proof to the pudding of the delights of complimentary opposites.

I had planned to take life easy at the moment... I had planned to simplify life...eat, sleep, exercise... focus on making my inner world a nurturing cave of womb-y wonderfulness...
Well... I guess I am doing that... but of course at the same time my life is doing its usual streeeeeetch to fit more and more of the tantilisingly rich experiences that cross my path...
I have just taken on another work contract until the end of June - with Red Cross Emergency Services developing a toolkit for managing spontaneous volunteers in disasters... Its terribly exciting!
So lets see now... thats 3 jobs, renovating my house, enjoying a new relationship, learning to parent, planting two gardens, building decks, having a faaaabulous social life, singing in a african choir, starting to study again, spending time with my dog, oh and getting pregnant....
What fun!

Progress Report...

So its an odd limbo-like time...

In my intellect I know that I have done three pregnancy tests and they have all been negative (yes I did leave several days between them... am not completely out of control...).
But... I have spent the last few days nauseous, and two days throwing up.... Is is stress? Is it psychosomatic? Am I pregnant but not showing up on the tests? (not uncommon)
My cycle is now one day late....
My mind knows it is highly improbably that I am pregnant and that any moment now I should experience the signs of nature taking its course and know that I am on the pathway to trying again in two weeks....
My head knows this...
My heart is holding onto the little wee chance that maybe maybe....
Silly ol heart... :-)
breathing...
being patient....
breathing.......
hmmm

I know I will be fine either way. I am surrounded by buckets of love and support... I have the most fantastic donor conceivable (he has even been nauseous in sympathy)... and while I have moments of just wanting it all to be clear now... I am loving the journey... its like waiting for Christmas :-)

Purple Hats...

I remember reading this years ago and it stayed in my mind ever since, but somehow I never found a copy of it again... I am sure many of you have read it over the years... but my dear friend Jen sent me a copy this week and I love it just as much as I remembered....

Purple Hats....


Age 3 She looks at herself and sees a Queen

Age 8 She looks at herself and sees Cinderella

Age 15 She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister ('Mum, I can't go to school looking like this!')

Age 20 She looks at herself and sees 'too fat / too thin / too short / too tall / too straight / too curly' - but decides she's going out anyway

Age 30 She looks at herself and sees 'too fat / too thin / too short / too tall / too straight / too curly' - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway

Age 40 She looks at herself and sees 'clean' and goes out anyway

Age 50 She looks at herself and sees 'I am' and goes wherever she wants to

Age 60 She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore - goes out and conquers the world

Age 70 She looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability and goes out to enjoy life

Age 80 Doesn't even bother to look - just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world


Maybe we should put on that purple hat earlier...

planting seeds...

Today I planted my potted herb garden... it was good to get my hands in the dirt... oregano, basil, parsley, dill, chives... all shiny new babies in rich fertile new lives...

Today I got an email from my on-line subscription to natural fertility tips... It was acknowledging that Mothers Day can be a bit emotionally laden for women who are trying to get pregnant. The email letter was as wonderfully encouraging as usual and talked about remembering that being a mother is more than just having a child...
A mother isn’t just a woman who has children. One definition of the word “mother” is “ a woman who creates, originates, or founds something.”

And so there you go... I planted seeds, fostered new life... created something new that will bring about many delicious nurturing flavourful meals in the future...

Trying to keep things in perspective...

And in other news ...

So lest we think that I am uni-dimensional... obsessed...one track minded.... (which of course I am)... I thought I would share some moments from OTHER aspects of my life besides the great journey to the fountain of new life...

Life plops along happily on all fronts... I went to Melbourne last week for training for work... I don't know if its just me, perhaps I am odd, but I get an inordinate thrill from being a travelling corporate person. I am sure that the thrill wears off relatively quickly for those who flounce across the countryside regularly... but trip trapping along with my little case on wheels, in a suit (and new black boots of course), hailing a taxi and making my way to a "very important meeting" in a strange city - well it just fair fills me with "chuff". Little ol me - well she is important enough to be flown across the states to participate in something work-like... he he. And I got to stay in my very own anonymous hotel room... he he... And besides being a moment of enjoying the thrill of being a real grown up professional person, I also got to see friends Zo and Jacqui for a spontaneous moment of catch up (ah small things amuse... being able to say "hey, I'm in town for work...lets have dinner!)

I had a wonderful reunion with the lovely Julie and spunky Sharon, vols from Fiji... wine and merriment by evening and during the day a chance to show Julie some of the gorgeous sides of Brisbane, including the views from Mt Cootha... there is nothing like getting up above a city... not only does it give a fantastic overview of a place rather than car window snapshots...it is also wonderful for the mental perspective on life... I find my mind expands, flies across the skies... and I see at once how small and how huge life really is...

And... on the home front... I am indulging my little known tastes for manual labour :-) Not only did I manage to single handedly assemble my new computer station (HOURS!!!) but my twinkle eyes and I have been building a deck. Yes! Tis true! I have photos to prove it! I hammer! I measure! I administer decking oils! Ahhhhhh hardware..... mmmmmm It may surprise those who have not yet been exposed to that side of my personality...but, if I am honest, I must admit... I am a girl who just luuuurves her powertools :-)

And well... work? It plods along relatively happily - more paperwork than client contact... but I am enjoying lower stress levels.. as a woman in my condition should :-)

Oh ok - stuff it - its pointless... I really can't focus on anything else....

Am I?
Aren't I?
Am I?
Aren't I?

...

The power of the mind...

So I can't tell you how often in the last 2 days I have felt nauseas...
I don't feel pregnant... not that I know what pregnant feels like... but I am acutely aware of every sensation anywhere south of my belly button... every bubble and gurgle is noticeable to me. Every queezy tickle might be meaningful :-)
Its crazy I know...
Two weeks to wait til I get a result.

Its so tempting to try and have a gut feeling about what the result is going to be... I search inside myself for some sense, some premonition, some subtle awareness... but its pointless because I get lost in the layers of inner manipulation... If I don't feel pregnant is it because I am not pregnant or because I don't want to get my hopes up... If I do feel pregnant is it because I am or because I am deluding myself on the rather long odds that I will be one of the people who gets pregnant first try... So I am telling myself that I am giving up on trying to guess...
Yeah...
Right....

A rose by any other name...

Courtesy of the BBC news...

Campaigners on the Greek island of Lesbos are to go to court in an attempt to stop a gay rights organisation from using the term "lesbian".

The islanders say that if they are successful they may then start to fight the word lesbian internationally.

The issue boils down to who has the right to call themselves Lesbians.

Is it gay women, or the 100,000 people living on Greece's third biggest island - plus another 250,000 expatriates who originate from Lesbos?

The man spearheading the case, publisher Dimitris Lambrou, claims that international dominance of the word in its sexual context violates the human rights of the islanders, and disgraces them around the world.

He says it causes daily problems to the social life of Lesbos's inhabitants.

Injunction sought

In court papers, the plaintiffs allege that the Greek government is so embarrassed by the term Lesbian that it has been forced to rename the island after its capital, Mytilini.

An early court date has now been set for judges to decide whether to grant an injunction against the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece and to order it to change its name.

A spokeswoman for the group has described the case as a groundless violation of freedom of expression, and has pledged to fight it.

The term lesbian originated from the poet Sappho, who was a native of Lesbos. Sappho expressed her love of other women in poetry written during the 7th Century BC.

* * * * * * *

Now come on really.... its like a group of merry hearted people suing the gay movement for erroneously using term "gay" when they are really not all that happy-go-lucky :-)

Just take the women's tourist dollars and let it go... what's in a name really....

All sprogged up...

Well it has happened :-) The long awaited and much anticipated introduction of swimmers to egg...
The first time... like an innocent damsel no longer a virgin... I am pleased to announce that attempt No 1 is done :-)

On Thursday I had a scan... and lo... It may have been the acupuncture...it may have been sheer good luck...it may have been destined that I give it a shot at an aquarian child... what ever the reason, I got a peep at a mighty fine lookin' follicle... my uterus lining looked juuuust right... and my egg poised and primed...

So the next morning...into the car I leapt, with gay abandon (as they say), merrily thumped the steering wheel and sang badly and loudly along with the radio, and sloooowly navigated the long weekend traffic to the source, the fountain, the hallowed halls of the donor. I must again emphasise the wonderousness of this man... my hero... his kindness and patience and generosity and calm acceptance of the icky technicalities render him indeed a saint in my world..(and my mum thinks he's pretty hot stuff too:)...

Now really it should have been awkward...it should have been embarrassing, it should at least have made me blush a little... but such is the fabulousness of this wonderful man and the rightness of it all that it all felt very relaxed and natural :-) We had a cuppa and a chat as we examined the specimen jars and planned our steps... we had a giggle or two for sure...but mostly just nattered away as though we were mates planning a movie or something... And then I went for a walk and sat under a tree with a bush turkey while he did his "business"... came back in a while and we had another cuppa and a friendly chat over the jar of the juice of life...as we waited for it to liquify enough for the syringe... and then he went for a walk and I navigated the mechanics of creating a pathway to the miracle of life...then he came back and we chatted while I lay on the floor with my legs in the air :-) and then I went home...

I don't feel pregnant... I don't feel any different really... it still feels very surreal...

And tomorrow morning I am going back for more...

How exciting :-)