So I cruise along... my days pass in a blur of work and friends and partner and child and "whats for dinner?" and "what can I get done while I don't feel nauseous?"... and mostly I stop and smile in random moments and realise I am pretty happy over all...and I think - wow - how did I get here? Is this my life?
Is this life? I'm not saving the world... but I guess I am living a life... I guess that this is what life is, huh?... do a job, preferably one that has some meaning in it somewhere... get a family and raise them to be as balanced as possible, and spend a significant proportion of time thinking about what is for dinner, cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner, and writing a shopping list for the next dinner...
Then there is planning what clothes to wear to work, buying bigger waisted clothes to wear to work, remembering to do a load of washing, doing some ironing in the ads of some TV show, or perhaps slumping on the couch watching something stupid on TV because I am too tired to get up and go to bed ...too tired from all the nothingness I busied myself with today.
and then I try to think of something interesting to blog about... the excitement in my week this week is planning to see a movie, nothing life changing, just a movie that will be vaguely more entertaining than slumping in front of the TV.
On some level I know that something profound is happening inside me... I am growing a person...And I feel overwhelmed with the enormity of it often... bloody miracle that it is... but my days are wrapped in such normality... domesticity...
I contemplate months and years spent washing a child's clothes, preparing a child's food, cleaning a child's room, working to pay for a child.... and if I am lucky perhaps doing all the same things for a partner. I realise that this is how many many people pass their lives. And happily... just hoping that nothing will go wrong to change it...
And I know that somehow, someway, somewhere.... I need to find something more... Is this the existential angst of the privileged? Of course it is... millions of people would kill, literally, for this life I have so easily fallen into.... and yet I, from my lofty perch of prosperity... I wonder... is this really all there is? I have just been interviewing women from hideous war torn countries about their intensely awful experiences, and their profound learnings, in escaping from violence and persecution... and I feel strongly that I am betraying these women by not appreciating what I have... and yet somehow... I feel the emptiness anyway....
What could I do? My art used to fulfil me - but now I wonder what on earth is the point of investing hours and days creating a picture to hang on a wall... Meditation - well, that takes more discipline than I can muster at the moment, though of course it would be good for me. Health and Fitness - not really vain enough to care overly as long as my body works ok... not enough to fulfill me on any deeper level... Music - mere entertainment, usually used to stop me from thinking too much... Work - so far I have found that the chances to do something that really makes a difference are few and far between - and they tend to require large sacrifices in other areas of life...its either go to some backwood village in the middle of nowhere and do something that really changes the lives of a handful of people... or its take your place in the machine where even when working for a large humanitarian agency it feels like a weeny teeny fraction of what I do in my day actually makes any difference to anyone's life.
On one level I am happy - I have nothing really to complain about - life is giving me such an abundance of granted wishes....
On another level I am bored stiff.
Wadda ya do.... Wish for a crisis just to stay entertained? Wish things were not so easy and normal so that I could be fighting for something? Wish that I was in some backwoods village staring suffering in the eyes?
I just don't know...
Och life... whats it all about anyway...
6 comments:
I have stumbled upon this blog and I have to make one comment. I think it would be of great benefit to you (and your child if all goes well) that within your existential explorations you take some time to reflect upon the fact that you are far from the first person to have a child,and about 99.9999999999% of them seem to get on with the job (and a lot of their other duties which appear to be rather more demanding) with none of the fanfare or indulgence.
wow... ok... my first reaction to this comment was to wonder what had motivated such a scathing comment... some level of bitterness in the writers own life? My second reaction was to seek to defend myself... I mean... hello! I am busily getting on with working two jobs, both meaningfully contributing to improving people's lives the best I can, renovating a house, learning to co-parent a 3 year old, building a relationship with a loving partner, gardening, editing 2 different books for friends, caring for my home and dog, maintaining positive supportive friendships and family relationships etc etc.... but then I figured that the person who wrote this has obviously not taken the time to read back through my blog far enough to get a better sense of who I am as a person...
and and they are unlikely to read this response anyway...so I am really only benefiting myself in taking the time to defend myself. Firstly - the fanfare.... I prefer to call it excitement about the miracle of life - it has been hard won, awaited for about 15 years... and damn it - I think its worth fanfare even if only in my own little blog world. And indulgence?? well I fully own that fact that seeking higher meaning in life is indeed an indulgence of the privileged few for whom the necessities in life are pretty much met and we move higher up Maslow's heirarchy of needs. My quest in life is to contribute to making the world a better place... I have done this so far through being a loving friend and partner to those near me, being a counsellor and welfare worker for more than a decade, by being an aid worker, and, in some little way - one of the ways I do it also is by blogging about my thoughts in the hope that some reader somewhere might get something from it that they can relate to... or learn from... even if they disagree. So to the anonymous sledger... whether you were well meaning or not... I hope you learned a little more about yourself from the experience. Thanks for commenting... I learned a little more about myself from answering you.
PS Its true that many people get on with life without fanfare or indulgence. Its also true that many people hardly ever take the time to think much at all.
Hi Rhi,
Well honey it looks like the blogosphere has given you a little smack up the side of the head!
If the anonymous blogger checks in - Yes this blog is indulgent, ALL blogs are indulgent, they're offerings of humanity, fraility, vulnerability and dichotomy which INDULGE the valid human need to share and be seen/heard. Rhianon may not be the first woman to ever bear a child but this is the first time She has ever had a child and no amount of anecdotal information could ever prepare any woman for an experience that is UNIQUELY HERS...... so 'anonymous' kindly sod off and stumble upon a sharp object!.......
Keep writing babe!
Ah Rhi,
Only you could take a defensive position armed with 3000 words. Never short in your world sweetie ;-)
That just made my day. I have been struggling with joining the My Space You tube generation. Wondering if I should. Wondering what it would be like to be open to any one who cares to look and comment. I thought I was being an old fuddy duddy and that my fears were unfounded. It appears I was right all along. I think I'll stick to emails and letter writing for a little bit longer. I think I have enough people to judge me that I know without inviting bitter strangers to have a go as well.
Ah dear... far be it for me to chase anyone away from blogging... it is indeed a strange phenomenon but one I enjoy immensely. Ah I wish people would leave a name - even an alias... to the latest anon... are you the same anon as the first one? Perhaps not... but please know that I meant what I said about being grateful for the first comment even if I don't agree with it. I think that many of the issues of the world are caused in part by people's apathy in terms of willingness to engage in critical thinking. If we refuse to enter a debate we lose precious opportunities to learn and grow. I believe that true learning does not come from reading a book or watching a documentary - it comes from engaging in dialogue, in clarifying whilst defending your views or perhaps changing them in response to feedback from others. The alternative we can see only too well in the small minded ignorant yet very fixed attitudes of so many people - people who form an idea and then stick to it, refusing to be open to argument or influence. Sadly these seem to be a voting majority in some areas...but I digress....
I welcome and enjoy feedback, in what ever form it is. In overcoming miffed pride I grow as a person... Blogging occasionally allows me the chance to do that... but then again - mostly its just a bit of fun really. Perhaps don't give up on the new-fangled cyber world... it can be just great!
Post a Comment