knowing what I want...

“Courage does not always roar — sometimes it is a quiet voice that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”

So today I read the The Thin Pink Line blog (listed on the right) and the entry was about knowing what you want.  I vaguely expected pop-psychology about "going out there and grabbing your potential" but actually a lot of it range distinctly true, like a nudge from a good friend... in particular this paragraph struck a cord for me :

You may have clarity about what you want in one aspect of your life, but not another.  Or, like many women, you may not know at all.   Instead, you go along with the program to keep the peace and not make any waves.  The causes of not knowing are varied, but almost always relate to being for others and not oneself.

I have been accused of not knowing what I want in life.  I fought the accusation - claiming that it was not that I didn't know, but that I wanted to remain flexible and open to lots of different options.  Hmmm.  I do believe in flexibility and being able to roll with inevitable change...but at the same time I realise that there is more to it than that.  I have spent much of my life torn between two conflicting messages... the buddhist message to care more for others than for myself, and the contemporary societal message to ensure that I look after my own needs and don't allow them to be subjugated to the needs of others.  I waver between obedience to each at different times, and usually err on the side of the former.  The result of this is that I am a consummate peace-keeper and yet am constantly frustrated by the lack of sense of achievement in my life, by the lack of goals and sense of direction, and the consequential lack of commitment to any particular path.  I read back over an old journal tonight, and found that I repeatedly have described myself as having a sense of lack of ownership of my life, a sense that my life was something that happened to me, rather than something I authored.  I constantly feel surprised by where I end up, and unclear about how I got there - let alone where I am going to from there.

I am striving to change this.  I am seeking a way to bring together the two messages such that I can separate from others long enough to develop a clear vision of who I want to be and what I want in life, and then can return to caring for others along the path to that vision.  Its a lonely job, the job of a road builder... but I have a vision of myself in 5 years time having a strong sense of achievement and clarity - and I want to make that vision a reality.  And if I have foggy times I will have the courage to try again tomorrow.