So despite that fact that I am still vaguely waiting for someone to come and take it all away from me somehow... it seems that I am indeed, still pregnant!...
And all is going really well so far...
No nausea to speak of yet, a couple of seconds here and there but really nothing to mention...
My shirts no longer button up and are unlikely to for a very long time it seems, and the ever expanding bumps under them are somewhat tender (bit of an understatement) but I can live with that!
Odd sensations in my body...but then... it is doing something utterly novel in there!
So all in all.... I find myself, today, quietly very happy...
I sit in the beautiful rolling hills above Byron Bay... floor to ceiling glass windows beckon the eye towards the iridescent vivid blue of the distant ocean... rainbow birds gather in the flowering bushes... all is totally peaceful. At sunrise this morning I gazed over the hills and felt deeply connected with a sense of nature. For one of the first times in my life I felt like a part of the world and its processes, rather than an observer. My little apple pip and I are now a part of the timeless cycles of it all.... (trying to avoid hackneyed cliches but finding it impossible!)
Of course... I have not been so calm inside everyday... I have moments of utter joy, moments of utter disbelief, times of a gentle sort of confusion that this is really happening, and times of
complete terror at what lies ahead....I have been reading a book called "MotherLove - Stories about Births, Babies and Beyond" that some kind person has left in the bookshelf in this lovely house... And have scared myself into some semblance of a wee bit of understanding of the reality of the enormous, gut wrenchingly painful, messy, gooey, life shattering reality of this thing that I have blithely entered into.... I find my mind settling for a few seconds on a minimal sense of the real truth of being pregnant, giving birth, and being at the beck and call of a screaming shitting creature ...and then woosh...off it slides into vagueness again. I think it must be a very wise biological impulse that refuses to let us really understand the ickyness of it all... I mean really... who would choose to do it if we could really wrap our heads around ALL THAT PAIN not to mention the blood and shit and vomit and blah blah blah....
complete terror at what lies ahead....I have been reading a book called "MotherLove - Stories about Births, Babies and Beyond" that some kind person has left in the bookshelf in this lovely house... And have scared myself into some semblance of a wee bit of understanding of the reality of the enormous, gut wrenchingly painful, messy, gooey, life shattering reality of this thing that I have blithely entered into.... I find my mind settling for a few seconds on a minimal sense of the real truth of being pregnant, giving birth, and being at the beck and call of a screaming shitting creature ...and then woosh...off it slides into vagueness again. I think it must be a very wise biological impulse that refuses to let us really understand the ickyness of it all... I mean really... who would choose to do it if we could really wrap our heads around ALL THAT PAIN not to mention the blood and shit and vomit and blah blah blah....Women truly are incredible!
Which brings me to a point of acknowledging the wonder of my twinkle eyes.... she has been through it all with the wee twinkle blue babe...and is just now emerging, blinking, into the real world again. And yet somehow she has found it in her heart to decide that the pleasure of holding my hand is worth re-entering that cave... both a blessing and a burden, the only certainty is that it won't all be easy... but together we embark on a joyful, sticky, messy, laughter-filled, tear-filled adventure... and I am happy. :-)
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