I am a starter certainly...
I am an ideas person...
I love new adventures, opportunities, options...
I love to plan and imagine the wide open space of tomorrow land.
And I am ok with starting, head down, nose to grindstone, getting my teeth into it...
But I am not a finisher.
I hate endings... I hate the limp to the finish line.
I struggle to stay focussed, to bring home the race. When I can see what the outcomes is going to be I lose interest. I want to side track, point out that really - we all know that eventually we are going to cross that line so lets just all it now...
What I don't understand is why...
Why do I not crave the thrill of the perfect ending?
Why do I not seek to sink the final ball, sound the final horn
Why do I not desire the handshake and back pat of a job well finished?
Sometimes I think its because that is the point where I have to say "ok this is as good as it gets"
Sometimes I think its because I get bored and want new stimulation (bet thats a bit too simplistic)
Sometimes I think its a hidden mystery in me that I just don't understand...
But its annoying.And its happening now.
I am in the final 4 months of this huge life changing job - and all I want is for it to be over... done.... I don't relish the run to the end, I don't feel the desire to bust a gut to leave it in tip top shape for the next person... I just want it to be over now.
But then, stupidly, I also know that I will have a huge come down when it is. I will miss the challenge, the sense of purpose, the all consuming nature of it. I will miss the sense of accomplishment against the odds... and mostly... I will be in a world of pain trying to work out what I want to do next. Sure - I have some plans - I wouldn't be me if I didn't. But its going to take a huge amount of adjustment to let go of this and move on.
So I desperately want it to be over, but I fear it at the same time.
No wonder I don't like finishing.
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