no sex pots around here...

So it seems that I am not sexy :-(
This week I read one of those horoscope specials in a magazine in the airport newsagency. Browsing and reading without paying ($8.20 for a magazine???) I read that aquarians are not usually sex objects - rather they give off an air of detached friendliness...Hmmm
It got me thinking...and I had to agree. I don't think I am sexy! I think perhaps once a upon a time, long long ago...in my early 20's I had a sexy stage. But now - I did a bit of a survey of friends and it was confirmed. I am "nice". Gads. Nice. shit.
And I would kind of like to be able to work out how to get myself into some kind of relationship in the future...I'd like find a slightly older bed partner than the one who occasionally finds her way in to my doona at the moment... And how am I to do this if I am not sexy??? By stunning people with my niceness? Bah.
How does one be more sexy? without being tacky I mean... No point in thinking plunging necklines - that is more likely to frighten than attract at the moment. No I think sexy has to be more of an attitude, an air, a poise....
Hmmm
i think i am screwed... way too nice...

ch-ch-ch-changes...

So my little girl is growing up!
Already that little wee fragile newborn has become a strong active happily little girl. She has passed the milestone of first smiles with flying colours and gummy joy... she now will poke her tongue out at you if you do it first...(manners come much later!) and occasionally she will wave too!
And now my little one has discovered standing up... not one to be a wallflower, she seems to think that sitting is highly over-rated when she could be dancing!

“ Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath."

Michael Caine

My Dad

My dad is such a source of learning for me...
He can frustrate me so intensely that I become a person I don't want to be, and behave in ways that I don't want to behave... I can get angry, snappy, ungrateful, cold, ungenerous...
Yet at the same time he can move me in ways that prompt me to be more patient, more understanding, less self focused, more humbled and incredibly grateful.
My dad knows just how to infuriate me, he can be mind-numbingly stubborn and our fights can go on for hours and get nowhere... yet he also quietly and unassumingly does a hundred little (and big) things to show his love. These hundred little things can get swept away in a bitter wave of frustration with the more annoying of his little habits...but when I step back to see the big picture - the little habits pale into insignificance in the brightness of his good heart.
My mum is an angel of generosity, working tirelessly to look after me, my baby, and my dad. She is funny and charming and almost endlessly patient. And while she drives me mad sometimes... its easy to admire my mum, to hug her and thank her for being so wonderful... Yet one of her fantastic traits is also that she is able, a lot of the time, to look beyond dad's behavioural eccentricities to see the warm and vulnerable heart beneath.
Sometimes I forget to look beyond. Sometimes I react and treat him as though the surface annoyances are all there are. Sometimes I don't show him that I remember the good stuff too...
So I want to remind myself to take the time to remember all the good bits, and to let the incredibly generosity of my dad's heart balance the times when he seems small minded in his actions... to remember the countless times that his advice has been invaluable in the moments when I find his opinions so disagreeable... to recall the thousand incredibly wonderful things he has done for me in the times when he does things that drive me mad.
My dad has given up his home for weeks and weeks to come and live with me and support me with my baby... this has given me the courage to know that can cope with being a mum.
My dad brings me cups of tea in bed in the mornings and asks how my night was and how the baby is today... this makes me know that no matter how hard it has been - I am not alone.
My dad spent hours, without his proper tools, building me a table for the baby bath so that he could surprise me with it on my birthday. He then went on to build everything else I needed, to put in hooks where I wanted them, to work every day to make the things I think I need.
My dad gives me large amounts of his hard earned money...striving to make sure that his impulsive head strong and often impractical daughter will always be safe and secure.
My dad knew that despite my best intentions I was unlikely to be able to find the time and energy to build the veggie garden I wanted - so he did it for me, digging for hours in the mucky compost, pulling out weeds, building garden beds... even though he didn't think I would find the time and energy to look after it and he would probably have to do that too.
My dad nursed my sick herbs back to life and every time I bring home new ones, I turn my back and he pots them with care before I have time to notice...
My dad sits and plays with my baby daughter for hours so that I can shower, dress, do other things... even when he would like to do other things... my dad smiles his private soft smile for her, and shows his private soft side to make her giggle, and calms her when she is distressed.
My dad sits quietly out of the way when I talk away to everyone else... not interrupting... giving space...
My dad rubs my neck when I ask him, or cracks my back when it is sore
My dad is attentive and notices that I need a drink when I am breast feeding, so he brings me one when I have forgotten
My dad nags me about my health and my diet and whether I have exercised today... not because he wants to make me feel bad (which is sometimes how I react) but because he cares
My dad knows a lot of stuff about how to do stuff, having spent a life time working it out for himself. He loves offering advice and help, but he also gets hurt when people get annoyed at him for it... so often he stays quiet for fear of offending people without meaning to. He would love to be respected for his knowledge but he has learned not to push it - except with his family who will love him anyway.
My dad desperately wants to make the right choices so he spends weeks obsessing about doing the right thing eg choosing paint colours for the house. He doesn't understand why other people don't seem to care as much as he does...
My dad gets in and gets things done. He notices what needs doing, and quietly, in his own world and his own way, goes about getting them done.
My dad hates being wrong... and will only go down fighting when he is.
My dad tries his best and takes it to heart when he is found to have fallen short of expectations...he finds it really hard to admit this to others because he hates to admit it to himself.
My dad would be more generous, more sharing of his knowledge and skills, more open and warm if only people would accept him as he is and take what he offers in the spirit it is intended... but he doesn't always know how to get his message across in a way that people will be open to.
I could go on and on but I won't because I have achieved what I wanted, I have reminded myself to look for the person behind the behaviour, to remember the motivation behind the action, to look for the good and to appreciate the wonderful.
Thanks Dad...

thinking big to be little

So I have joined a Gym. I debated with myself for at least a whole day about whether or not this was a good idea... $600 is a big hole in the single parent on unpaid maternity leave budget... I was torn between two views. On one hand I really should go to the gym to lose the 10kg I need to lose to get to my desired post pregnancy size and prevent myself from having to once again buy a whole new wardrobe. Oh and there are the health benefits of course, and if I am not going to develop Type 2 Diabetes for real I really need to keep my weight under control. So the $600 is an investment in my health, and the fact that I can barely afford it should be a good motivator to make the most of it.
On the other hand - its a huge waste of money if I don't get motivated to go regularly - and perhaps I should be realistic about how challenging it will be as a new mum, once my parents return to their home, to actually get to the gym on a regular basis (even though they have child care in the mornings)... This is the view that others impressed upon me - implying that I had wasted my money as I was most unlikely to actually get value from it.
In reflecting on this however... I realised that to not take out the membership was to accept in advance that I am most likely to be slack, so to not give myself the chance to be different. In the end I decided that it was worth it to me to invest $600 in my positive potential, rather than to save the money and allow myself to wallow in excuses of "realism".
And this brings to mind a recent discussion with a friend about the new female CEO of Westpac. This woman managed to work as a bank teller, have a toddler and triplets, and do an MBA... and to continue to rise through the ranks until she is now arguably one of Australia's most successful women. I wonder how many well meaning people said to her "hey - you have triplets and a toddler, give yourself a break...don't try and do an MBA... give up work... don't take that promotion...be realistic about what you can acheive...." And what would have happened if she had listened, had dropped her expectations, had opted for an easier life... would she be happier? she certainly wouldn't be the first female CEO of Westpac.
And I think of myself - how often I limit myself from "doing too much" - not because I want to but because of the well meaning advice of others ringing in my ears. I admit - I am fairly disorganised and can be unmotivated, vague and a time waster... but I also tend to work to the limits I set myself - if I think its too hard, unrealistic, then I don't manage it. If believe in myself and my ability to do more, achieve more, take on more - then I may get stressed at times but at the end of the week I feel proud of what I have acheived. Rather than feeling relaxed, I feel empowered.
So I am adjusting my focus again - towards assuming that I CAN do things until proven otherwise, rather than assuming it will be too hard and cutting myself off at the pass.
So I joined the gym. I am not going to listen to my well meaning friends who tell me to give myself a break, I have just had a baby blah blah... I am going to get there as often as I can.
I am also for uni again this semester, I have started a vegie garden as I had planned, and am considering going back to work one day a week before the end of the 6 months I had taken off. I may get stressed at times, I may get tired at times... but I will moving forward, achieving...

smiles!

they make it all worth it!

tired!

I dream of sleeping...
When awake I find myself randomly fantasising about 8 solid hours of sleep...
And I have a wonderful child who sleeps for 1-4 hours at a time... I pity the people whose babies don't sleep more than half an hour - I think it must induce insanity!
I find that sleep deprivation makes me feel like I am made of egg shell or paper stretched over a frame... I am more fragile... moving through life as though everything is normal. yet easily buffeted by the little things. Moods consume me more. Things seem more serious. Irrational moments of dismay crop up here and there for no reason. I forget where I am going, what I am doing, or what I was looking for...
Recently I needed to go to the bottle shop at Ashgrove Coles to get some wine that was on special for my dad. I got in the car thinking "Ashgrove Coles" . I imagined how to get there, planned my route and how long it would take... I drove off, parked in the shopping centre car park, got out and walked up to the bottle shop... and standing outside I suddenly realised I was at Paddington Woolworths. I went back to the car, got in and drove to Ashgrove Coles....

So yawn away little one... I know the feeling!

thanks mum and dad!

So I am very lucky really... I can tell how very difficult being a single mum must be... so far however, I have had an incredible support team, and indi has been surrounded by loving arms always happy to be there for a cuddle or a burp... Dad is the hiccup whisperer and mum the burp queen...

Love is made not found

So my little girl is growing and changing...she is moving from inanimate doll, sleeping and eating and not responding to the world much.... to animated little girl. She smiles and makes eye contact and gazes at interesting objects. She also voices her wants and needs in no uncertain terms :-)
As she interacts more I find myself getting to know her more... and as this happens I find I am starting to feel the layers of love that felt missing in the early days. I had expected to feel a deep and strong love for her right away - like a "good" mother should. I was secretly concerned that, while I felt love for her on an unthinking level, after the excitement of the first few days I didn't feel the overwhelming, heart-full, singing inside love that I had imagined... I didn't feel "in love" with her....and I had moments of looking at her and feeling nothing at all.
As she changes however I realise that there is the initial instinctive love that is there just because it needs to be, this is more subtle and transient... and then there is the deeper love that comes from actually getting to know her as a little person...and this is the love that is growing over time. This is the love of knowing this little person intimately, of loving the way she expresses her individuality, of loving the way she becomes her individuality.
Phew.... its a relief!
This fits neatly within my belief that true love is made not found. We don't suddenly meet the person we will love deeply and truly. The special loves in our lives are something we create through effort, through willingness to be open to a person and the richness of who they are, through being prepared to open our lives to another and share our deepest intimacies, through making the effort to observe another person, to really understand them and their world, and through taking the time and creating the space in our hearts to love. We don't just bump into this in the street - we make it happen when we are able, willing and open to it. Special love is baked when all or most of the ingredients are in the bowl...not picked up off the shelf pre-packaged. Deep love is not heat and eat, it is not microwavable, and we cannot dial for home delivery :-) This is what I think... and it gives me hope because I don't have to wait for the perfect dish to be served to me... I am the cook. :-)