My Dad

My dad is such a source of learning for me...
He can frustrate me so intensely that I become a person I don't want to be, and behave in ways that I don't want to behave... I can get angry, snappy, ungrateful, cold, ungenerous...
Yet at the same time he can move me in ways that prompt me to be more patient, more understanding, less self focused, more humbled and incredibly grateful.
My dad knows just how to infuriate me, he can be mind-numbingly stubborn and our fights can go on for hours and get nowhere... yet he also quietly and unassumingly does a hundred little (and big) things to show his love. These hundred little things can get swept away in a bitter wave of frustration with the more annoying of his little habits...but when I step back to see the big picture - the little habits pale into insignificance in the brightness of his good heart.
My mum is an angel of generosity, working tirelessly to look after me, my baby, and my dad. She is funny and charming and almost endlessly patient. And while she drives me mad sometimes... its easy to admire my mum, to hug her and thank her for being so wonderful... Yet one of her fantastic traits is also that she is able, a lot of the time, to look beyond dad's behavioural eccentricities to see the warm and vulnerable heart beneath.
Sometimes I forget to look beyond. Sometimes I react and treat him as though the surface annoyances are all there are. Sometimes I don't show him that I remember the good stuff too...
So I want to remind myself to take the time to remember all the good bits, and to let the incredibly generosity of my dad's heart balance the times when he seems small minded in his actions... to remember the countless times that his advice has been invaluable in the moments when I find his opinions so disagreeable... to recall the thousand incredibly wonderful things he has done for me in the times when he does things that drive me mad.
My dad has given up his home for weeks and weeks to come and live with me and support me with my baby... this has given me the courage to know that can cope with being a mum.
My dad brings me cups of tea in bed in the mornings and asks how my night was and how the baby is today... this makes me know that no matter how hard it has been - I am not alone.
My dad spent hours, without his proper tools, building me a table for the baby bath so that he could surprise me with it on my birthday. He then went on to build everything else I needed, to put in hooks where I wanted them, to work every day to make the things I think I need.
My dad gives me large amounts of his hard earned money...striving to make sure that his impulsive head strong and often impractical daughter will always be safe and secure.
My dad knew that despite my best intentions I was unlikely to be able to find the time and energy to build the veggie garden I wanted - so he did it for me, digging for hours in the mucky compost, pulling out weeds, building garden beds... even though he didn't think I would find the time and energy to look after it and he would probably have to do that too.
My dad nursed my sick herbs back to life and every time I bring home new ones, I turn my back and he pots them with care before I have time to notice...
My dad sits and plays with my baby daughter for hours so that I can shower, dress, do other things... even when he would like to do other things... my dad smiles his private soft smile for her, and shows his private soft side to make her giggle, and calms her when she is distressed.
My dad sits quietly out of the way when I talk away to everyone else... not interrupting... giving space...
My dad rubs my neck when I ask him, or cracks my back when it is sore
My dad is attentive and notices that I need a drink when I am breast feeding, so he brings me one when I have forgotten
My dad nags me about my health and my diet and whether I have exercised today... not because he wants to make me feel bad (which is sometimes how I react) but because he cares
My dad knows a lot of stuff about how to do stuff, having spent a life time working it out for himself. He loves offering advice and help, but he also gets hurt when people get annoyed at him for it... so often he stays quiet for fear of offending people without meaning to. He would love to be respected for his knowledge but he has learned not to push it - except with his family who will love him anyway.
My dad desperately wants to make the right choices so he spends weeks obsessing about doing the right thing eg choosing paint colours for the house. He doesn't understand why other people don't seem to care as much as he does...
My dad gets in and gets things done. He notices what needs doing, and quietly, in his own world and his own way, goes about getting them done.
My dad hates being wrong... and will only go down fighting when he is.
My dad tries his best and takes it to heart when he is found to have fallen short of expectations...he finds it really hard to admit this to others because he hates to admit it to himself.
My dad would be more generous, more sharing of his knowledge and skills, more open and warm if only people would accept him as he is and take what he offers in the spirit it is intended... but he doesn't always know how to get his message across in a way that people will be open to.
I could go on and on but I won't because I have achieved what I wanted, I have reminded myself to look for the person behind the behaviour, to remember the motivation behind the action, to look for the good and to appreciate the wonderful.
Thanks Dad...