lookin' like mummy...

She is looking more like me as she grows older... its such a strange feeling!  There are differences, and then there are momentary looks... quite surreal!

a weekend....

So I took the weekend off.  I am surprised at myself, and I am feeling rather guilty indeed.  But I took the whole weekend off.  I know, I know... it shouldn't be such a big deal, self care is important...yudda yudda... I know all of that.  But still, I am stunned that I did it.  I took the whole weekend off.  Even now - I sat down to do work, and I didn't.  What's in a weekend?  Well... I think its both a sign of my complete mental burn out, and a remedy.  I am not entirely sure if I am attempting to fix my broken brain by taking the weekend off...or if I am incapable of anything else because my brain is broken.
Once upon a time I thought I was pretty invincible.  I wanted to save the world...and I figured I had it in me if I could just find an opportunity to prove it.  I am was the girl who believed that.  I had always been pretty successful at the stuff I did, so I figured that would carry me through.  But I am learning that I have limits.  I am old and I am tired.  I have limits and I am no longer sure that I have it in my to save the world.  I think perhaps its time to throw in the towel.  I have another year here, and a very large mess to fix.  And when I am done, I think perhaps I am done.  Maybe then I can rest on my laurels and tell myself that I didn't save the world, but I did do good in a little part of it, and thats enough.  I don't want to work with gang raped infants in Liberia.  I don't want to work with women burning themselves in Afganistan.  I don't think I have it in me to do the things I am passionate about changing.  I wish I did...but I fear that I don't.  I don't have any clue what on earth I am going to do with the rest of my life... but I am starting to be pretty sure that I won't spend it saving the world.  I think its time for me.  I think its time for me to find a little piece of happiness and try and hold onto it.  I think its time to stop trying to look around the corner all the time...time to stop looking for the big thing that will make my life mean something.  I think its time to meditate more, to work on saving my inner world.  I think its time to accept that I am not the person that I thought I might be, I am not the one who saves the world.  I'm tired.  I'm old... and I want a home.  I want a love.  I want peace.  I want to find joy instead of struggling through each day.
So I took the weekend off.  And yes, I feel guilty.  No platitudes or rationalisations please - I am allowed to feel guilty about neglecting the work that was due and the part of myself that did want to do it.  I feel guilty because I am torn between two options, both of which I want - a productive work weekend and a weekend off.  Either choice would have left me regretting the other.    But I made a choice.  I drank cocktails and swam with my angel.  I read Sherlock Holmes instead of writing proposals.  I watched Weeds and Greys Anatomy instead of doing statistics.
I am burnt out... and I hope I find my energy and drive again tomorrow... but for now... I am going to bed to enjoy the last of my weekend off.

putting myself back together

slowly coming out of the haze of mental burn out is like trying to find all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that have been scattered in the bottom of the toy box.  Until all the pieces are in place and the picture recreated there is a pervasive anxiety provoked by the fear that some of the best bits are lost forever in the same parallel universe as all those black socks....

dark days

crumbling, slipping, nails tearing at the earth as it slides past...
these are dark days that are leading to darker places
alone, bewildered, overwhelmed
angry tears of frustration pile up in the box like holiday mail...

priorities

So I am feeling kind of torn.  On the one hand I am fighting tooth and nail to protect the services that I believe in, the organisation that has grown over 18 years, the staff who have given their all for the psychosocial wellbeing of our clients... on the other hand I am not entirely unsympathetic when I am told that the health funding is going into preventing babies from dying of pneumonia (common here) and gastro (too common also) and adults in their prime dying of diabetes, or having limbs amputated...and that until the very basic levels of health care are in place to keep people alive, mental health just doesn't figure on the agenda.  It kind of takes the wind out of my fight.  I will keep on keeping on, but you know, just saying...