Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
doing something.
So I seem to have committed myself to embarking on another adventure...
I seem to have said Yes to going back to work in Fiji.
I seem to have said that I would uproot my comfortable life here, and move to a country where I know almost no-one, where I don't connect with the culture, where I have no support networks, where my lifestyle is unacceptable, where I will have no babysitters or support with Indi, where she will be in a totally new and unfamiliar environment and have to get used to a new day care centre with unfamiliar looking kids, new nanny, new home...where I will be doing a new and highly responsible job, and coming home to an empty house, alone.
I seem to be feeling a not insubstantial level of anxiety about this.
The job offer in Fiji came at a time when I desperately needed a way out of the stuckness of my daily life. I was feeling trapped in a ground hog day, unable to resolve several critical issues in my life, feeling empty and numb inside and knowing I needed to find myself and my passion and my enthusiasm for life again. So I put it out there to the universe that I needed something, anything, that would get me out of my stuckness and into life again, something that would make me feel like I was living some kind of meaningful existance beyond raising my child and the day to day routines of an everyday life.
And the universe provided. Out of the blue an email arrived in my inbox offering me an opportunity too good to refuse. I was asked to return to the organisation I worked with before, the organisation that changed my life last time I was stuck, to the place where I found myself again last time, to the job that made me feel like I was making a difference in the world. But this time I was asked to return as the Director... to take over from my old boss and run the show.
This is the opportunity I needed. Exactly. This, I have learned, is how things happen in my life when I am on my path. Exactly the right thing happens at exactly the right time. I just need to have the courage to go with it. This is the way of my path... When I am not on my path everything seems hard and every way I go I come up against obstacles. When I am on my path - great things unroll before my eyes and everything falls neatly into place. I just need to have enough faith to put my foot forward and take the first step.
And so I knew I needed to say yes. It wasn't easy. I sat with indecision for months... fear of change battled with need for change. Fear of the loss of my comfortable life battled with the need to escape my comfortable life. The need to do something meaningful battled with my fear of being inadequate in trying to do something meaningful. The knowledge that this opportunity represented everything I had said I wanted to do at exactly this point of my life battled with the fear that I would actually have to DO the things I said I wanted to do...
And so I said Yes.
I felt the fear... and I stepped forward anyway.
And I am still feeling the fear.
I potter along in my comfortable life, living day to day, enjoying the moments... and then in a moment I remember... I remember that in a little over 6 months I will be gone. My daughter and I will get on an airplane and go to a foreign country and we will be alone. I will take on a new enormous responsibility. I will be alone in the evenings, with my sleeping child. I won't be here to see my friends babies grow into their first years. I won't be here to spend weekends with my family, watching Indi and her grandparents enjoy each other. I won't be here to hold my partner's hand.
And in those moments I think "holy crap what have I done?"... and my heart rises into the back of my throat and the world around me goes a little blurry... and often I simply choose to stop thinking about it, take a deep breath and focus on the present moment... and my breathing slows back down and the tears subside and I feel some semblance of normal again. But the anxiety stays there in the background, underneath, lurking, nibbling at my mind, chasing me in the quiet moments.
So I need to combat the anxiety - and to do this I need to stay connected with the reasons why I do want to do this. When I focus on everything that I am losing and the risks and unknown elements I lose faith in myself and in my path. If I am to continue to breath normally I need to keep reminding myself of what I wanted when I invited this opportunity into my life. I need to keep remembering that this is an opportunity not a sentence.
This is my chance to make a difference in the world. This is my chance to help people, to help a really valuable and important organisation to do really valuable and important work with people who really need it. This is actually not about me. It is not about my lifestyle or really my career (although it will help that too). It is not about comfort or friends or nice cafes. It is about something bigger. This is about being in the world in a way which makes the world a slightly better place. This is about living a meaningful life. This is about living from my heart (rather than my desires). If I wanted a comfortable life that was just about satisfying my wants, then I would stay here.... I would enjoy the cafes and the friends and the nights out when my parents babysit, and the nice days out in the nice parks with my daughter, and the good food in the supermarkets, and the wonderful pleasantness of it all.
Recently in a waiting room I read a magazine article about a girl who, at 25 years old, is living in Cambodia running an orphanage. She has given up a comfortable young life of clubs and bars and weekends away with friends... and of building a cushy career and wearing nice clothes and meeting boys... and she is looking after kids who really need her. And she has no intension of coming home. She is happy. And I was shocked. How could she really give up a fun life at home to sacrifice in that way for the kids? And then I was shocked at myself! How did I become someone who was shocked by that!? When I was her age I would have understood completely. I would have wanted to go myself. When I was younger than her I did go out in the world myself and want to do good. I really really wanted to do good in the world. I was passionate about compassion. I lived from my heart. And then over the years that passion faded... Somehow I started to care about good coffee and a nice lifestyle more than I cared about the poor of the world. Somehow I started to care about looking pretty and having a pretty house and eating pretty food and buying pretty toys for my daughter.
Somehow I lost my passion.
I don't meditate anymore.
I don't know how I feel anymore.
Its no wonder I feel numb - I don't connect with my heart anymore.
So this is my chance. This is my chance to go out in the world and find my heart again. This is my chance to put aside my attachment to my own comfortable little life and embrace the bigger picture. This decision to go is not about my lifestyle... it is about doing what is right, what is meaningful, what helps people, what makes a difference.
So I need to stop focusing on whether I will find nice friends or a nice house or a nice car. I need to stop worrying about whether I will have a nice lifestyle in Fiji...
And I need to focus on the fact that this is my opportunity to be the person I once believed I could be.
My favourite quote is :
I cannot do everything, but I can still do something.... and I will not refuse to do the something I can do. Helen Keller
This is about doing something.
I seem to have said Yes to going back to work in Fiji.
I seem to have said that I would uproot my comfortable life here, and move to a country where I know almost no-one, where I don't connect with the culture, where I have no support networks, where my lifestyle is unacceptable, where I will have no babysitters or support with Indi, where she will be in a totally new and unfamiliar environment and have to get used to a new day care centre with unfamiliar looking kids, new nanny, new home...where I will be doing a new and highly responsible job, and coming home to an empty house, alone.
I seem to be feeling a not insubstantial level of anxiety about this.
The job offer in Fiji came at a time when I desperately needed a way out of the stuckness of my daily life. I was feeling trapped in a ground hog day, unable to resolve several critical issues in my life, feeling empty and numb inside and knowing I needed to find myself and my passion and my enthusiasm for life again. So I put it out there to the universe that I needed something, anything, that would get me out of my stuckness and into life again, something that would make me feel like I was living some kind of meaningful existance beyond raising my child and the day to day routines of an everyday life.
And the universe provided. Out of the blue an email arrived in my inbox offering me an opportunity too good to refuse. I was asked to return to the organisation I worked with before, the organisation that changed my life last time I was stuck, to the place where I found myself again last time, to the job that made me feel like I was making a difference in the world. But this time I was asked to return as the Director... to take over from my old boss and run the show.
This is the opportunity I needed. Exactly. This, I have learned, is how things happen in my life when I am on my path. Exactly the right thing happens at exactly the right time. I just need to have the courage to go with it. This is the way of my path... When I am not on my path everything seems hard and every way I go I come up against obstacles. When I am on my path - great things unroll before my eyes and everything falls neatly into place. I just need to have enough faith to put my foot forward and take the first step.
And so I knew I needed to say yes. It wasn't easy. I sat with indecision for months... fear of change battled with need for change. Fear of the loss of my comfortable life battled with the need to escape my comfortable life. The need to do something meaningful battled with my fear of being inadequate in trying to do something meaningful. The knowledge that this opportunity represented everything I had said I wanted to do at exactly this point of my life battled with the fear that I would actually have to DO the things I said I wanted to do...And so I said Yes.
I felt the fear... and I stepped forward anyway.
And I am still feeling the fear.
I potter along in my comfortable life, living day to day, enjoying the moments... and then in a moment I remember... I remember that in a little over 6 months I will be gone. My daughter and I will get on an airplane and go to a foreign country and we will be alone. I will take on a new enormous responsibility. I will be alone in the evenings, with my sleeping child. I won't be here to see my friends babies grow into their first years. I won't be here to spend weekends with my family, watching Indi and her grandparents enjoy each other. I won't be here to hold my partner's hand.
And in those moments I think "holy crap what have I done?"... and my heart rises into the back of my throat and the world around me goes a little blurry... and often I simply choose to stop thinking about it, take a deep breath and focus on the present moment... and my breathing slows back down and the tears subside and I feel some semblance of normal again. But the anxiety stays there in the background, underneath, lurking, nibbling at my mind, chasing me in the quiet moments.
So I need to combat the anxiety - and to do this I need to stay connected with the reasons why I do want to do this. When I focus on everything that I am losing and the risks and unknown elements I lose faith in myself and in my path. If I am to continue to breath normally I need to keep reminding myself of what I wanted when I invited this opportunity into my life. I need to keep remembering that this is an opportunity not a sentence.
This is my chance to make a difference in the world. This is my chance to help people, to help a really valuable and important organisation to do really valuable and important work with people who really need it. This is actually not about me. It is not about my lifestyle or really my career (although it will help that too). It is not about comfort or friends or nice cafes. It is about something bigger. This is about being in the world in a way which makes the world a slightly better place. This is about living a meaningful life. This is about living from my heart (rather than my desires). If I wanted a comfortable life that was just about satisfying my wants, then I would stay here.... I would enjoy the cafes and the friends and the nights out when my parents babysit, and the nice days out in the nice parks with my daughter, and the good food in the supermarkets, and the wonderful pleasantness of it all.
Recently in a waiting room I read a magazine article about a girl who, at 25 years old, is living in Cambodia running an orphanage. She has given up a comfortable young life of clubs and bars and weekends away with friends... and of building a cushy career and wearing nice clothes and meeting boys... and she is looking after kids who really need her. And she has no intension of coming home. She is happy. And I was shocked. How could she really give up a fun life at home to sacrifice in that way for the kids? And then I was shocked at myself! How did I become someone who was shocked by that!? When I was her age I would have understood completely. I would have wanted to go myself. When I was younger than her I did go out in the world myself and want to do good. I really really wanted to do good in the world. I was passionate about compassion. I lived from my heart. And then over the years that passion faded... Somehow I started to care about good coffee and a nice lifestyle more than I cared about the poor of the world. Somehow I started to care about looking pretty and having a pretty house and eating pretty food and buying pretty toys for my daughter.
Somehow I lost my passion.
I don't meditate anymore.
I don't know how I feel anymore.
Its no wonder I feel numb - I don't connect with my heart anymore.
So this is my chance. This is my chance to go out in the world and find my heart again. This is my chance to put aside my attachment to my own comfortable little life and embrace the bigger picture. This decision to go is not about my lifestyle... it is about doing what is right, what is meaningful, what helps people, what makes a difference.
So I need to stop focusing on whether I will find nice friends or a nice house or a nice car. I need to stop worrying about whether I will have a nice lifestyle in Fiji...
And I need to focus on the fact that this is my opportunity to be the person I once believed I could be.
My favourite quote is :
I cannot do everything, but I can still do something.... and I will not refuse to do the something I can do. Helen Keller
This is about doing something.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Just for the kicks...
Week One again....
So its week one of the second round of my 12 week program....
And I am happy.
I am happy because despite the little voice in my head which says "cheesecake makes me happy!", actually being healthy and strong makes me happier...
I am happy because today I did the 1km walk/run part of the fitness test at the start of this round and I realised I can run... in the past I was puffing after less than a minute of running.... but this time I found myself bounding along happily. Its only my shin splints that prevent me from running more. My shins hurt... they still hurt... but thats something I just need to live with.
I am happy because I have already lost 1.5kg of the 2 kg that I put on in the break between the end of the last round and the start of this one. I must confess that I binged a wee bit... My mind played tricky tricks on me - telling me to stock up on the naughties while I could and that I would feel more motivated on the next round if I had "had my fill" of the bad stuff before I started.... silly mind! Although I am feeling pretty motivated so perhaps feeling sick from too much cake did help in some way.
I am happy because I did Zumba for the first time and this has been one of my goals for a really long time. I have been too nervous to go to a class because I thought I would be too unfit to keep up. This fear, combination with my natural lack of ability to follow the moves in classes, meant I keep looking at the timetables and being too embarrased to turn up. This week I did a lunch time express class... and I loved it! Sure I was often on the wrong leg, and I had to concentrate really hard to get my arms and legs doing different things at the same time, but once I started to get the hang of it my inner dancing demon came out and I loved it! I am hooked, I want more!
I am happy because I am now wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans.
I am happy because my ultimate weight loss goals are in sight and seem possible.
I am happy because I am proud of myself.
And I am happy.
I am happy because despite the little voice in my head which says "cheesecake makes me happy!", actually being healthy and strong makes me happier...
I am happy because today I did the 1km walk/run part of the fitness test at the start of this round and I realised I can run... in the past I was puffing after less than a minute of running.... but this time I found myself bounding along happily. Its only my shin splints that prevent me from running more. My shins hurt... they still hurt... but thats something I just need to live with.
I am happy because I have already lost 1.5kg of the 2 kg that I put on in the break between the end of the last round and the start of this one. I must confess that I binged a wee bit... My mind played tricky tricks on me - telling me to stock up on the naughties while I could and that I would feel more motivated on the next round if I had "had my fill" of the bad stuff before I started.... silly mind! Although I am feeling pretty motivated so perhaps feeling sick from too much cake did help in some way.
I am happy because I did Zumba for the first time and this has been one of my goals for a really long time. I have been too nervous to go to a class because I thought I would be too unfit to keep up. This fear, combination with my natural lack of ability to follow the moves in classes, meant I keep looking at the timetables and being too embarrased to turn up. This week I did a lunch time express class... and I loved it! Sure I was often on the wrong leg, and I had to concentrate really hard to get my arms and legs doing different things at the same time, but once I started to get the hang of it my inner dancing demon came out and I loved it! I am hooked, I want more!
I am happy because I am now wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans.
I am happy because my ultimate weight loss goals are in sight and seem possible.
I am happy because I am proud of myself.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
12wbt Round 2
So I am writing my commitment to the next round of the 12wbt program. I am starting again, another 12 weeks. Once again I find myself already plagued by self doubt. Will I give up after a couple of weeks? Will I start cheating and let it all unravel? Will I let life get in the way of my goals?
I'm trying to find my inner self will. This is my commitment statement.
My commitment is to myself. I will find my focus, and I will hold on tight to it. I will be consistent because I will put my own needs before keeping others happy. Being on this program is not always convenient for other people. I can't go out for sunday breakfast, or dinner. I can't join in with the celebration cake or drinks. I can't fit in with other people's plans. I can't be convenient. This is a huge change for me... I am accustomed to not rocking the boat.
My commitment is therefore to put myself first, my health first, my self esteme first. I loved the last round of this program, and for the first 9 weeks I did really well.... and then I sabotaged. I lost focus. I started putting other people's convenience first, people pleasing and not really believing that I could be the slim attractive successful woman I once was. I stopped putting myself first because I stopped believing that I deserved it.
My commitment is therefore to believe I can be the woman I want to be, that I can do it, that I can live my dreams.
No self limiting, no self sabotage.
I'm trying to find my inner self will. This is my commitment statement.
My commitment is to myself. I will find my focus, and I will hold on tight to it. I will be consistent because I will put my own needs before keeping others happy. Being on this program is not always convenient for other people. I can't go out for sunday breakfast, or dinner. I can't join in with the celebration cake or drinks. I can't fit in with other people's plans. I can't be convenient. This is a huge change for me... I am accustomed to not rocking the boat.
My commitment is therefore to put myself first, my health first, my self esteme first. I loved the last round of this program, and for the first 9 weeks I did really well.... and then I sabotaged. I lost focus. I started putting other people's convenience first, people pleasing and not really believing that I could be the slim attractive successful woman I once was. I stopped putting myself first because I stopped believing that I deserved it.
My commitment is therefore to believe I can be the woman I want to be, that I can do it, that I can live my dreams.
No self limiting, no self sabotage.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Mmhmmm
Owie!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Blaaaa
So I am on a two week break between 12wbt rounds... And have given myself permission to eat at will and satisfy any lingering cravings before I start another 12 weeks of committed focus. I also gave myself permission to take off the regular exercise focus and let other things in life come first... Blaaaa and bluck. I feel yuck. Although my eating has been what I would once have called normal... I feel bloated and toxic. I miss clean eating! I miss exercise!
Sheesh...
Sheesh...
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, May 2, 2011
A slippery slope
So its week 11 of my 12 week weight loss challenge. I feel both proud and disappointed. I have lost an incredible 8kg... which feels so wonderful and I am so incredibly pleased with myself. I put on clothes, and they fit. I dress once, without having to change 4 times to find something that doesn't make me feel enormous. I look in the mirror and I like what I see...
At the same time I am also disappointed that I have stalled. My challenge is now to move to the next level of loss, out of my current wardrobe and into the small clothes I have packed away. Its been too easy to rest on my laurels now. I have lost focus and I want it back.
I have two weeks of this 12 week round to go and I recommit myself to getting and staying on track. I then maintain myself for a few weeks, and will start a second 12 week program at the end of May. My overall goal is to lose 15kg... which will see me under 60 kg for the first time since my early 20's.
Its a hugely challenging goal and one that I already find myself doubting my capacity to achieve. It will require an incredible amount of physical effort, but more than that is the mental work involved. My mental image of myself is about where I am now. I let go of the hope of ever being smaller than this again, and I am not really sure how I will get my head around it or what it will mean for me.
One thing I am sure of, having learnt it from experience... it will be achieved through consistency, with humility and not thinking I know better than the program, and by focusing on one kilo at a time.
One step at a time, up the slippery slope...
At the same time I am also disappointed that I have stalled. My challenge is now to move to the next level of loss, out of my current wardrobe and into the small clothes I have packed away. Its been too easy to rest on my laurels now. I have lost focus and I want it back.
I have two weeks of this 12 week round to go and I recommit myself to getting and staying on track. I then maintain myself for a few weeks, and will start a second 12 week program at the end of May. My overall goal is to lose 15kg... which will see me under 60 kg for the first time since my early 20's.
Its a hugely challenging goal and one that I already find myself doubting my capacity to achieve. It will require an incredible amount of physical effort, but more than that is the mental work involved. My mental image of myself is about where I am now. I let go of the hope of ever being smaller than this again, and I am not really sure how I will get my head around it or what it will mean for me.
One thing I am sure of, having learnt it from experience... it will be achieved through consistency, with humility and not thinking I know better than the program, and by focusing on one kilo at a time.
One step at a time, up the slippery slope...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Kicking the bucket...
One of these is a cuddly bed comforter... The other is a bucket.
One, when taken into bed and held in the soft arms of a sweet slumbering child results in a sound night's sleep for mummy. The other, when insisted upon as a bed companion, on pain of screaming tantrum puke-fest, and held in an iron grip all night, results in a somewhat broken night of sleep for the consequently grumpy mummy.
Lesson learned = there is really not quite enough room in a standard cot for four soft toys, a two year old who likes to toss around a lot...and a standard household bucket.
I could happily kick that g@d-dmmmm bucket!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
A new truck!
My angel has a party
Friday, April 8, 2011
My angel turns two!
It's my little angel's birthday and I am gripped by the certainty that she is growing up (despite still wearing 00 sized jeans!). Her pride and joy this year is a much desired scooter (after months of stealing them in the park). We have a few riding lessons to go though :-)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Last night I wore my jeans...
Last night I went out for a drink.I wore my jeans - the tight ones, the ones I haven't been able to wear since I bought them two years ago... the ones that look hot.
I wore my black and red top, the one that I have had for years and love, the one that has hung in the wardrobe forlornly for years because I couldnt' fit into it but I didn't have the heart to part with it.
I walked into a bar, a trendy bar, and I realise now, this morning, that not once did I wonder whether people were looking with disdain at the short fat chick. I realise not once did I feel apologetic towards my partner being seen out with me. I realise that not once did I sit awkwardly, adjusting to cover up or minimise my tummy, boobs, flab.
It feels fantastic.
I feel proud.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Parts of shrinking me
So I vacillate between thrilled, scared and quietly determined. I have now lost 6kg in 5.5 weeks. I have never done anything like this before. Previously I had set myself the goal of 1kg per month, and failed at that. Now I am steadily cracking 1kg per week.My shrinking self is subdivided into lots of paradoxically diverse parts. Part of me doesn't believe its really true (I was starting to believe I would just be chubby forever).
Part of me is so f-ing loudly proud of myself.
Part of me is quietly self satisfied.
Part of me is utterly focused and determined to move mountains (literally).
Part of me is slightly terrified at the reality of actually achieving this previously unfathomable goal (12kg in 12 weeks). What will it mean for me if I actually do this? Will I mean I need to stop limiting myself? That I need to start living up to the knowledge that I can actually do things when I set my mind to them? (many of my dear friends would say that they had known this all along and point to my list of achievements, but I tend to focus more on the things I haven't done and form my self-image around them... then again, my to do list has well over 100 things on it so I accept that I may not have realism as one of my strengths... then again I do believe in setting the bar high and surprising yourself... I mean, look at me now... and thus ends a ridiculously long set of bracketed ramblings).
Part of me is tempted to self sabotage (to get back to what I was actually saying)
Part of me is confident that this time I am really changing, both mentally and physically, and I want to hold on to it so hard that my knuckles turn white.
Part of me is well, slightly numb.
Another part is kind of hungry, but it is lunchtime.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Poltergeist snapshots
I love this post from Suburban Snapshots... I couldn't have said it better myself!
Why Having a Toddler is Like Living in Poltergeist
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
If Poltergeist isn't one of your all-time family classics,
well, your family is probably a little more balanced than mine. But
really, who doesn't enjoy possessed trees, evil clowns, and angry,
decomposing Native Americans? That's got quality time written all over
it.
10. Items reappear out of place mere seconds after you've put them away.
9. In the dark, you sense an unwelcome presence in your room.
8. You frequently resist the urge to run screaming from your own home.
7. You're never really alone.
6. You can't escape the voices calling your name.
5. You could have sworn you just turned that light off.
4. The TV has more power over your child than you do.
3. You're often terrified by what you find under the bed.
2. A very small person keeps telling you what to do, and strangely, you keep listening.
1. You know that the only way you'll get any peace is a hotel room clear across town.
10. Items reappear out of place mere seconds after you've put them away.9. In the dark, you sense an unwelcome presence in your room.
8. You frequently resist the urge to run screaming from your own home.
7. You're never really alone.
6. You can't escape the voices calling your name.
5. You could have sworn you just turned that light off.
4. The TV has more power over your child than you do.
3. You're often terrified by what you find under the bed.
2. A very small person keeps telling you what to do, and strangely, you keep listening.
1. You know that the only way you'll get any peace is a hotel room clear across town.
Where does she learn it??
Now I know that I cannot be with my child 24 hours a day... I cannot know everything she experiences... and I will never know or see every part of her rapidly expanding multifaceted personality. I get that this is a huge growth stage, as she prepares to turn two in less than two weeks... (oh my heavens) but still, logic aside, I am constantly, pleasantly, amusingly surprised by her moments of spontaneous individuality! Its quite an adjustment to get used to the idea that I am no longer the fountain of all her learning... the three days a week she spends in day care are obviously having quite an impact!
Tonight she was watching her evening wind down TV shows... ABC kids... and it was night-time in which ever saccharin sweet story was playing... she suddenly and very loudly announced "Its dark but I'm not scared! I'm not scared! I'm not scared!..." (repeat). Where did that come from??
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Powering along
So I am really pleased to announce that I am finally back in the sexy sixties... This is the first time since I had my angel that I have weighed in under 70kg... and I am really feeling the difference. I also notice, oddly and strangely, that I actually feel much better after exercising! Well there you go... I have known those words to be truth in an abstract sense - kind of like knowing that I have rhino-like creatures living in my eyelashes... but I have not really experienced it in a believable way.
The other thing that surprises me immensely is that this is the first diet that I have done during which I actually feel like I am changing my way of life, not just "doing time". I have done lots of diets before, lots, and each time it has felt like I am just hanging in there for it to end so I can get back to "normal" eating. And I have not seen results....
But this time I can't imagine going back to the way I was eating. I feel so much better having had a salad for lunch rather than something oily, fatty or loaded with carbs. I am really loving learning new ways of eating, and I think perhaps I am a convert! I also think I will finish this with a healthy terror of going back where I was... and I plan to THROW OUT (yes, you heard me... overcome my hoarding instincts and consign to charity) my 70kg plus clothes.
5 kilos down and 7 to go.... I am almost half way to my 12 week goal.
Go me :-)
The other thing that surprises me immensely is that this is the first diet that I have done during which I actually feel like I am changing my way of life, not just "doing time". I have done lots of diets before, lots, and each time it has felt like I am just hanging in there for it to end so I can get back to "normal" eating. And I have not seen results....
But this time I can't imagine going back to the way I was eating. I feel so much better having had a salad for lunch rather than something oily, fatty or loaded with carbs. I am really loving learning new ways of eating, and I think perhaps I am a convert! I also think I will finish this with a healthy terror of going back where I was... and I plan to THROW OUT (yes, you heard me... overcome my hoarding instincts and consign to charity) my 70kg plus clothes.5 kilos down and 7 to go.... I am almost half way to my 12 week goal.
Go me :-)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
going strong....
This time I am pleased, again, to report that I have overcome these irrational urges and celebrated my progress... and gotten up and kept on going... go me!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Mmmm healthy!
Did I scrap it? Did I make the easier path more trodden? Nope... I got my shrinking butt in gear and ate my egg whites, prepared yummy healthy wrap fillings, did a hard hot workout at the gym and arrived at work puffed, flushed, but proud (if half an hour later than planned...).
Sunday, February 27, 2011
cReflecting on capable... I realize that I spend a lot of energy trying to fit the standards and expectations of others... And not enough on being appreciative of myself the way I am.... I have a lot of great qualities... I'm generous, kind, creative, interesting, adventurous, warm, funny, patient, a great cook, a great friend and a wonderful mother... I have an open heart and mind, I am sincere, honest and courageous. I can laugh at myself and own my own stuff and take responsibility for myself. I'm smart and I learn new things fast. I have great ideas and communicate really well. I have a good sense of perspective on life, am non-judgmental and very likable. I can be wise and perceptive, and courageously honest with myself and others. These are just some of the great things about me.
Yes, my super is a mess, yes, my budgeting skills leave a bit to be desired, yes I have too much clutter in my house, and I'm a bit disorganized in some areas of life... Yes, my life goals are a bit unfocussed because I am still not really fixed on specific priorities and strategies to meet them... But I'm very capable of being a really lovely person... And that I appreciate.
Sent from my iPhone
Yes, my super is a mess, yes, my budgeting skills leave a bit to be desired, yes I have too much clutter in my house, and I'm a bit disorganized in some areas of life... Yes, my life goals are a bit unfocussed because I am still not really fixed on specific priorities and strategies to meet them... But I'm very capable of being a really lovely person... And that I appreciate.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sick again... Booo
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Decisions
1. Will I try to have a second child?
2. Will I take the wonderful job I have been offered in Fiji... and go for 2.5 years.
I have been agonising over these decisions. They are interlinked because I would not consider moving to Fiji if I decided to try and have another child. So I need to decide the first one before I can start to answer the second.
Capable
So I have realised that some of the people closest to me don't see me as very capable. I understand... I don't always see myself as very capable. I am going to change this. I am sticking to my 12 week program... I am going to reach my goal of losing 10kg. I am going to focus on being more capable, determined, successful in general.
I'll show them and show myself.
I'll show them and show myself.
Day 3 of 84
So I am being disciplined with eating... but I knew that exercise would be the stickier issue... and on Day 1 I did not manage any exercise...the angel slept in, it rained, I was tired blah blah... excuses got in the way. Day 2 however dawned differently and I made the effort to check the new improved local gym and see what deals the new owners were offering... and lo! it was fabulous! Suits me to a tee... no commitment, no contract, pay by the week and cancel any time..and only $10 a week. I love it! Suits my commitment phobia to the ground...And they have set up 30 minute intensive workout programs around the gym...guided by firm voices and beeping machines the gym itself pushes you through a "go hard and fast" workout... for 30 minutes! Awesome! Just my style of working out... no time to get bored, and hey, I can do anything for 30 minutes....No classes and no childcare...but it is right near the child care centre and so I really don't have any excuses on Monday, Tuesdays and Wednesday...I just need to set my alarm, get up early and make sure I drop Indi off 45 minutes early, train hard and fast, change and head into work.... or alternatively leave work early and train before I pick her up... so now added to the assorted toys and kid snacks in the back of my car will be a bag of gym clothes ready to go...
So I am very pleased to report that I have trained both day 2 and day 3... good hard fast 30 minute workouts... and the scales are loving me. 2kg lost in two days... now they are my kind of numbers! I am not expecting the scales to be so kind on a regular basis... we have a long love hate history to overcome... but I;m off to a running start.
So.... overcoming resistance, overcoming laziness, overcoming excuses. I feel good, am already looking rosy cheeked and alive, and I am feeling positive and motivated. Go me!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Occupation : baby
my brave little fish...
Friday, February 11, 2011
My big girl!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
12wbt
So my readers will know my struggle with my weight, and my ongoing search for some way of overcoming my resistence to commiting to a course of action that will make me feel good about myself. Recently an old friend recommended the 12wbt program - Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation program. And I like the sound of it. Firstly it allows for adaption to a gluten free diet, which most of the popular diet programs neglect. Secondly it is a program that I would be doing together with an on-line community, starting together and ending together - so there can be no postponing, taking a week off or do-overs. Thirdly it is a completely prescribed program of diet and exercise, down to shopping lists.... so there is no thinking for me to do, only following instructions. Those who know me will be chuckling, since I am the one who never follows a recipe, and demonstrates a clearly discernible pattern of resistence to authority and doing what I am told. In this area however, I admit defeat. I need help and I need to hand over control to a higher power. I do know all about methods to lose weight, in theory, I just don't know how to lose weight. So I start this program with Michelle's pre-season tasks. I have identified my goals, monthly, 3 monthly, 6 monthly and 12 monthly. I have also acknowledged my habitual excuses, written them down, and thought up solutions or rational combatants for the excuses. I have paid my dollars for the program, and I have made a commitment - in front of a loved one - and on-line in the forum - to making this time different. This time I will start and finish this program. This time I will not allow myself to continue to feel like a failure. This makes me feel exceedingly anxious. I have tried and failed so many times in the past that it feels impossible to imagine being different, easy to want it, hard to see it in reality. But I think the only way I stand a chance is one day at a time. I think I need to avoid thinking about the end goal, or about the bigger commmitments involved. I need to think that one day at a time I will simply put one foot in front off the other and keep to the program for that day. And if I do slip up I need to get right back on the next day instead of slipping into failure. So today I make a commitment to today and tomorrow. Tomorrow I am going to work, and I will not eat any chocolate or lollies all day. Working in emergency services has been disasterous for my health. Well meaning types have filled our work space with chocolate and lollies. And I cannot stop at one. And like a drug addict I have to have more.... and now I am the heaviest I have every been. I need to learn to say no - no to others, and no to my own inner tempting voice... No. I will not eat any sugary treats tomorrow. None.
I will report back on how I go!
I will report back on how I go!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Hidden paradise....
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Dealer baby
Mummy gratefully returned bed for a few more moments of shut eye when grandma made her appearance, and I was much more cheerful when awoken the second time by the angel bearing gifts. Our barren vine had borne one little fruit offering and the angel had practiced saying "passionfruit" all the way from the garden, only to present me gleefully with the round precious gift of "here mummy, a sack-a-crack!"
:-)
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Global Reading...
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
|
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Good helping!
The angel is very much a typical girl in that her language and fine motor skills developed much faster than her gross motor skills... She can talk beautifully, draw well, knows almost all of the alphabet, but bless her, she can't drive to save herself... The boy next door (bnd) is 3 weeks younger than her, and very much a boy... He runs, jumps, climbs and powers around on his bike.
Today the angel wanted a turn on the "motorbike" (she loves cars, motorbikes, trucks and airplanes at the moment!). She barely made it move though, she was eating snail's dust really... Bnd kindly decided to teach her and they spent a merry while with him showing her how to steer, how to go fast, and how to do a u-turn... while the mummies coo-ed in glee!
I suspect they will be the terrible two by their birthdays!
Today the angel wanted a turn on the "motorbike" (she loves cars, motorbikes, trucks and airplanes at the moment!). She barely made it move though, she was eating snail's dust really... Bnd kindly decided to teach her and they spent a merry while with him showing her how to steer, how to go fast, and how to do a u-turn... while the mummies coo-ed in glee!
I suspect they will be the terrible two by their birthdays!
The artist budding...
Friday, December 31, 2010
Grrrr
Let go let it flow
I have just finished reading the eat pray love book. The movie had a profound affect on me because I strongly related to her sense of drowning in her world, and of feeling utterly empty. I too need a journey to rediscover my passion, my joy, my spirituality and my capacity to love.
One of the main things that has stayed with me from the book was about learning to stop fighting hard to control the world around me and my life. I find it so hard to let go of the need to control everything to make it ok... Yet because I usually have no idea of how to make things ok, or even what ok is... I just end up both messing things up further, and exhausted from the fruitless battle. After meditating in India, Elizabeth finally learns to stop searching and fighting to find meaning in the spinning universe, and to instead let go, seek a calm peaceful place inside, and let things flow from there.
So now, in a time of confusion and sadness, and as I approach the end of one year and the start of the new one, this is what I am going to try to do.
Trust, let things flow as they will, let go of the need to control everything, find what makes me feel peaceful inside and stay with that...with honouring self respect.
"When you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama."
Eckhart tolle
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
thoughts of the day
So today I read two things that made me think...
The first was a rather trippy article about weight loss and numbness... it delved way too far into hippy vibrations stuff for my taste...but prior to tottling off with the fairies it raised some ideas that really hit a nerve for me.
The writer talks about how often women, in response to some kind of emotional trauma, become numb...in order to avoid the bad feelings we simply stop feeling anything much at all. She says "you can’t remain numb and move forward. The two don’t work together. In
order to heal, you need to feel. You need to be emotionally involved in
your own life. Most people are emotionally involved in other people’s
lives and an “extra” in their own life." This last line really struck a cord for me. This is very much how I feel that I go about life. I come alive in relation to the things that the people I love are going through - challenges and excitments - but I am numb when it comes to my own. I find it increasingly difficult to summon up a spark for anything about my life at the moment, and I have been searching for the reason. Mostly I have been focussed on trying to find something to feel excited about - but at the same time I have been saying that I feel "empty", "lacking in passion", unable to see beyond the immediate future, and that I simply don't care enough about any one goal to feel terribly motivated about it. In other words - I am numb.
And the writer of the article talks, amid the scented candle crystal healing bits, about how carrying extra weight is part of the numbing process. It is a reciprocal cycle in that the putting on weight makes you feel more numb, and the more numb you feel the more weight you put on....
The only answer is to start feeling. The writer offers some basic CBT tips about false self beliefs... but I think that, after 13 years as a therapist, I will need a little more than that.
But identifying the numbness is one big step on the journey of learning to feel again. I start to wonder if I should do this as my goal before I start the goal of losing weight. Perhaps this is one of the keys to unravelling the broken link between goal and action?
I guess the theory would be Step 1 : Identify the numbness. Step 2 : Unravel the reason/s for the numbness (what are the bad feelings that triggered it?) Step 3 : Find a way to heal the bad feelings so that I don't need to retreat into numbness to manage them. Step 4 : Spend time rediscovering feelings, things I am passionate about, how I really feel about things, people, experiences . Step 5 : rediscover my goals, what I really want in life, and the passion that will drive me towards those goals (as well as the belief in myself required, and the sense of being deserving of happiness).
The second thing I read today was another in the recently mentioned series of forwarded blogs from my friend. In this I picked up two tips I thought were useful... not new ideas but good reminders.
1. If you want to achieve a goal, have a practical daily plan of what you will need to do each day to get there.
"How much additional time will you need in an average week to pull off that resolution? Where will that time come from? Figure out now where you’ll get that time from so that you’re not stuck having to make hard choices later on which can easily drive you off the rails of your resolution".
2. Keep a diary in which you record what happened each day in the journey towards your goal. I thought it would be useful to have a diary for A) Exercise B) Diet C) What helped me move towards my goal today? D) What hindered me in moving towards my goal today?
I thought that this would be good for helping me to recognise the patterns in what gets in the way (eg sickness, weather, indi not sleeping properly so both of us being tired, other people distracting me etc) and then I can find ways of addressing the most common ones.
The first was a rather trippy article about weight loss and numbness... it delved way too far into hippy vibrations stuff for my taste...but prior to tottling off with the fairies it raised some ideas that really hit a nerve for me.
And the writer of the article talks, amid the scented candle crystal healing bits, about how carrying extra weight is part of the numbing process. It is a reciprocal cycle in that the putting on weight makes you feel more numb, and the more numb you feel the more weight you put on....
The only answer is to start feeling. The writer offers some basic CBT tips about false self beliefs... but I think that, after 13 years as a therapist, I will need a little more than that.
But identifying the numbness is one big step on the journey of learning to feel again. I start to wonder if I should do this as my goal before I start the goal of losing weight. Perhaps this is one of the keys to unravelling the broken link between goal and action?
I guess the theory would be Step 1 : Identify the numbness. Step 2 : Unravel the reason/s for the numbness (what are the bad feelings that triggered it?) Step 3 : Find a way to heal the bad feelings so that I don't need to retreat into numbness to manage them. Step 4 : Spend time rediscovering feelings, things I am passionate about, how I really feel about things, people, experiences . Step 5 : rediscover my goals, what I really want in life, and the passion that will drive me towards those goals (as well as the belief in myself required, and the sense of being deserving of happiness).
The second thing I read today was another in the recently mentioned series of forwarded blogs from my friend. In this I picked up two tips I thought were useful... not new ideas but good reminders.
1. If you want to achieve a goal, have a practical daily plan of what you will need to do each day to get there.
"How much additional time will you need in an average week to pull off that resolution? Where will that time come from? Figure out now where you’ll get that time from so that you’re not stuck having to make hard choices later on which can easily drive you off the rails of your resolution".
2. Keep a diary in which you record what happened each day in the journey towards your goal. I thought it would be useful to have a diary for A) Exercise B) Diet C) What helped me move towards my goal today? D) What hindered me in moving towards my goal today?
I thought that this would be good for helping me to recognise the patterns in what gets in the way (eg sickness, weather, indi not sleeping properly so both of us being tired, other people distracting me etc) and then I can find ways of addressing the most common ones.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
for my mirror
So perhaps one day I can replace my inner critical manipulative voice with one that says this :
In the meantime I shall write it on my bathroom mirror and remind myself daily.
I find it fascinating that I have so much self discipline when it comes to not eating foods which contain gluten. I can sit at a table with people eating cake which is made on flour, and there is no hesitation, no inner debate, no temptation... no matter how good it looks. I simply don't eat it. Its not a question... I just don't. Yet if the cake was gluten free I would find it almost impossible to resist.
I don't die from eating gluten. I would feel slightly unwell... but really, I would be ok. Yet I have total self discipline in this goal -the goal of avoiding feeling unwell from eating gluten. This is the will-power, the self discipline, the commitment that I need to harness towards avoiding feeling fat from eating unhealthily. I could get away with little bits of cheating with gluten, but I don't try. And so I need to simply flick another switch in my head - like the one that is set to "no gluten" - and set myself to "no fattening foods" and "no sugar". I did it while I had gestational diabetes... I complained about it but I did it. And I achieved my goal - I got my insulin levels under control and had a healthy baby. It ties in with the people pleasing aspect of me I think... in that I will inconvenience others and I will stand up to not pleasing my desires if there is an external reason which is beyond my choice - like gluten intollerance or diabetes... but I won't do it just because its my own goal. Sounds like a self respect issue, doesn't it?.... and so I plow on... searching through the mirky depths of my own mind to unravel the self limiting beliefs and self sabotaging patterns.
Nothing feels better than losing weight.
Nothing tastes better than losing weight.
Nothing rewards more than meeting this goal.
You can do it.
In the meantime I shall write it on my bathroom mirror and remind myself daily.
I find it fascinating that I have so much self discipline when it comes to not eating foods which contain gluten. I can sit at a table with people eating cake which is made on flour, and there is no hesitation, no inner debate, no temptation... no matter how good it looks. I simply don't eat it. Its not a question... I just don't. Yet if the cake was gluten free I would find it almost impossible to resist.
I don't die from eating gluten. I would feel slightly unwell... but really, I would be ok. Yet I have total self discipline in this goal -the goal of avoiding feeling unwell from eating gluten. This is the will-power, the self discipline, the commitment that I need to harness towards avoiding feeling fat from eating unhealthily. I could get away with little bits of cheating with gluten, but I don't try. And so I need to simply flick another switch in my head - like the one that is set to "no gluten" - and set myself to "no fattening foods" and "no sugar". I did it while I had gestational diabetes... I complained about it but I did it. And I achieved my goal - I got my insulin levels under control and had a healthy baby. It ties in with the people pleasing aspect of me I think... in that I will inconvenience others and I will stand up to not pleasing my desires if there is an external reason which is beyond my choice - like gluten intollerance or diabetes... but I won't do it just because its my own goal. Sounds like a self respect issue, doesn't it?.... and so I plow on... searching through the mirky depths of my own mind to unravel the self limiting beliefs and self sabotaging patterns.
So its the new year soon
So we approach the new year again. This one seems to have come around almost a breath after the last one. I am ashamed to admit that I have not even come close to achieving my new years resolution for last year. It frankly terrifies me to remember how clearly committed I was to my pledge, and yet nothing at all came of it. This time last year I pledged to myself, to my child and to my future to lose 12 kg over the year. I now weigh exactly the same as I did at this time last year.
Where did I go wrong? I clearly visualised the goal. I desperately wanted it. I created a SMART goal breakdown to ensure it was specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-framed. I set small monthly targets and then each month, I failed to meet them. Each month I vowed again to do better and didn't. I can only conclude that the goal was not, in fact, achievable and realistic because it lacked something... the connection between what I wanted to achieve, and what I did on a daily basis was missing. It was certainly not because I pigged out and lived in indulgent denial. I ate fairly well but not brilliantly, exercised in bursts but not consistently, and over-all did a luke warm job of it that meant that while I didn't put on any more weight, nor did I lose any.
This year I need to decide how to make things different. Simply focusing on really wanting it does not inspire me, because I did that last year and its obviously not enough. So I ponder... what can I do differently this year? What is it that will make things different. I really really really need to achieve this goal. How can I go about making it last as an abiding and successfully dominant theme for my year?
My friend has been sending me inspirational blog excerpts, bless her... and two points from these jump out at me now. Firstly - if you want to achieve a goal you need to commit resources to it. And this I have not done. I have spent money and time on other things... on friends, excessive grocery shopping, generous spoiling of my child etc...but I have not sacrificed anything to prioritise my health goal. I didn't cut back on spending in other areas in order to be able to afford a personal trainer or a gym membership. I didn't cut back time for socialising or relaxing in order to make time to exercise. I didn't choose my goal over anything else, I expected to be able to have it all. I expected to simply lay my goal on top of everything else in my life and not change other things... This is one thing I could do differently.
And the second point is about limiting how many goals you try to achieve at the same time. I have had a list of different areas of my life that are not working for me... and I have been trying to work on all of them at once. The consequences are that I have achieved a little in a lot of areas, but nothing much in any one area. I have improved my work situation slightly (from terrible to tolerable at the moment); I have been a reasonably good parent, although I have avoided toilet training til now and this needs to start in the new year; I have been slightly more organised with my finances, though there are a lot more budget sheets than there are outcomes; I have had months of reduced grocery bills by restricting myself to $10 a week to eat down my cupboards, but nothing has radically changed, I am still over-buying and over-stocked; I have developed some of my friendships in some ways, although I still don't spend enough time with people and feel a constant wish to see them more; I have navigated a relationship that was wonderful and challenging, but which ended partly because of protestations that I didn't invest enough of my resources into it; and many more of my themes have moved slightly...but not significantly.
So this is another area I could change. I could simply divert almost all of my attention into one goal until it is achieved... allowing everything else to simply tick over as it has been unless there is a disaster or emergency...and then move on to the next goal. I am impatient. This seems frustratingly slow - and yet I need only look at the amount of achievement my previous strategies have brought to bear... and indeed - the process of achieving any outcomes while juggling too many balls can only be described as SLOOOOW whilst at the same time I feel overly busy and exhausted.
To let go of trying to achieve change in lots of areas of my life at once will not be an easy thing. The biggest hurdle I come up against immediately, in even considering it, is my own inner judgement and fear of the judgement of others. If I am "working on improving" an area of my life then I am in some ways excused, I believe, from the assessments of inadequacy that I constantly feel about so many areas of my life. If I chose one goal and only focus on that one, then I have to live with the inner critical voice which tells me loud and clear that all of the other areas are simply not good enough and questions how I can continue to live like that?? But I suppose that I simply need to face that voice and let it know that each area will have their turn and go back to the one area that is my current target. So if I am to focus on losing weight then I will no longer pressure myself to budget my finances better, keep my house tidier, spend more time with friends, be a better girlfriend, do more creative things, be a better mum, improve my career, do more in the garden, reduce my grocery spending etc etc I bet, ironically, if I was to do this then I might find that the other areas improved all on their own.
The second hurdle will be overcoming my people pleasing tendencies. I tend to not want to rock the boat, and to put my own goals and needs as secondary to keeping the peace with others. Just now my mum came in to talk about what to have for dinner tonight. She is thinking of prawn pasta. My head tells me that pasta for dinner would not be good for me - too many carbs late in the day. But the urge to not be difficult or cause discomfort wins and I smile and nod "that would be fine"... and this is what I do regularly. I say "Yes" to friends, to family, to other priorities - and in the process say "No" to my own goals.
So am I really willing to take this on? Am I really willing to make losing weight my primary priority - allowing all other areas of my life to tick along with the basics? Am I ready to try again given the weight of all of my past failed attempts?
I am going to sit with this question until I can honestly say yes.
Where did I go wrong? I clearly visualised the goal. I desperately wanted it. I created a SMART goal breakdown to ensure it was specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-framed. I set small monthly targets and then each month, I failed to meet them. Each month I vowed again to do better and didn't. I can only conclude that the goal was not, in fact, achievable and realistic because it lacked something... the connection between what I wanted to achieve, and what I did on a daily basis was missing. It was certainly not because I pigged out and lived in indulgent denial. I ate fairly well but not brilliantly, exercised in bursts but not consistently, and over-all did a luke warm job of it that meant that while I didn't put on any more weight, nor did I lose any.
This year I need to decide how to make things different. Simply focusing on really wanting it does not inspire me, because I did that last year and its obviously not enough. So I ponder... what can I do differently this year? What is it that will make things different. I really really really need to achieve this goal. How can I go about making it last as an abiding and successfully dominant theme for my year?
My friend has been sending me inspirational blog excerpts, bless her... and two points from these jump out at me now. Firstly - if you want to achieve a goal you need to commit resources to it. And this I have not done. I have spent money and time on other things... on friends, excessive grocery shopping, generous spoiling of my child etc...but I have not sacrificed anything to prioritise my health goal. I didn't cut back on spending in other areas in order to be able to afford a personal trainer or a gym membership. I didn't cut back time for socialising or relaxing in order to make time to exercise. I didn't choose my goal over anything else, I expected to be able to have it all. I expected to simply lay my goal on top of everything else in my life and not change other things... This is one thing I could do differently.
And the second point is about limiting how many goals you try to achieve at the same time. I have had a list of different areas of my life that are not working for me... and I have been trying to work on all of them at once. The consequences are that I have achieved a little in a lot of areas, but nothing much in any one area. I have improved my work situation slightly (from terrible to tolerable at the moment); I have been a reasonably good parent, although I have avoided toilet training til now and this needs to start in the new year; I have been slightly more organised with my finances, though there are a lot more budget sheets than there are outcomes; I have had months of reduced grocery bills by restricting myself to $10 a week to eat down my cupboards, but nothing has radically changed, I am still over-buying and over-stocked; I have developed some of my friendships in some ways, although I still don't spend enough time with people and feel a constant wish to see them more; I have navigated a relationship that was wonderful and challenging, but which ended partly because of protestations that I didn't invest enough of my resources into it; and many more of my themes have moved slightly...but not significantly.
So this is another area I could change. I could simply divert almost all of my attention into one goal until it is achieved... allowing everything else to simply tick over as it has been unless there is a disaster or emergency...and then move on to the next goal. I am impatient. This seems frustratingly slow - and yet I need only look at the amount of achievement my previous strategies have brought to bear... and indeed - the process of achieving any outcomes while juggling too many balls can only be described as SLOOOOW whilst at the same time I feel overly busy and exhausted.
To let go of trying to achieve change in lots of areas of my life at once will not be an easy thing. The biggest hurdle I come up against immediately, in even considering it, is my own inner judgement and fear of the judgement of others. If I am "working on improving" an area of my life then I am in some ways excused, I believe, from the assessments of inadequacy that I constantly feel about so many areas of my life. If I chose one goal and only focus on that one, then I have to live with the inner critical voice which tells me loud and clear that all of the other areas are simply not good enough and questions how I can continue to live like that?? But I suppose that I simply need to face that voice and let it know that each area will have their turn and go back to the one area that is my current target. So if I am to focus on losing weight then I will no longer pressure myself to budget my finances better, keep my house tidier, spend more time with friends, be a better girlfriend, do more creative things, be a better mum, improve my career, do more in the garden, reduce my grocery spending etc etc I bet, ironically, if I was to do this then I might find that the other areas improved all on their own.
The second hurdle will be overcoming my people pleasing tendencies. I tend to not want to rock the boat, and to put my own goals and needs as secondary to keeping the peace with others. Just now my mum came in to talk about what to have for dinner tonight. She is thinking of prawn pasta. My head tells me that pasta for dinner would not be good for me - too many carbs late in the day. But the urge to not be difficult or cause discomfort wins and I smile and nod "that would be fine"... and this is what I do regularly. I say "Yes" to friends, to family, to other priorities - and in the process say "No" to my own goals.
So am I really willing to take this on? Am I really willing to make losing weight my primary priority - allowing all other areas of my life to tick along with the basics? Am I ready to try again given the weight of all of my past failed attempts?
I am going to sit with this question until I can honestly say yes.
love... whats it all about really
I've been reflecting on love.
In all it seems an unfathomable thing. Does it truly defy logic? Or am I just paradoxical in love even more so than in anything else in my skwichy-which-way life? I have loved deeply and with great faith and conviction twice in my life. Since then, I have tried... but its never been quite the same. Is this a natural developmental process - that one never quite loves again in the way one once loved when one was young and full of the blind optimism of naivety? I am asking myself several searching questions at once...
Have I been burnt too often and am I therefore too jaded to really embrace loving without reservation?
Have I changed fundamentally with having a child and therefore am unable to throw myself with abandon into relationships because its all so much more serious now?
Am I getting old and realising that with so little time left and so much still to do, its gotta be "the right choice" (if that exists)?
Am I simply ignorning a wise but subtle inner instinct that tells me that this one is not the one for me?
I would love to love, freely, wildly, joyfully...
Why then don't I just do that?
Recently a friend called me a romantic - which surprised me greatly as my faithful blog readers may recall me coming out firmly in favour of love being a thing which is created by willing logical hard work - not a rare jewel that is miraculously found. Yet this friend's observation of me was that I am romantically waiting for Ms Perfect. This idea galls me no end! I want to believe that love is created not found. Yet perhaps this is where I have been going wrong with the recent patterns of heart ache since my first two loves. Another dear friend tells me that I am simply not discerning enough... and it has been said to me several times before that I seem to have the capacity to love anyone if I put my mind to it... my dear friend tells me it is time for me to hold out for something that feels really unequivocably right, rather than trying to squish bumpy shapes into round heart holes (not in exactly those words! But that is how it feels to me).
Perhaps I don't trust that it will ever happen that way?
Perhaps I have already found it and been too scared, jaded, scarred, issue-laden, self-protective and all that jazz to be able to appreciate it?
Perhaps its all just part of my journey and I need to stop thinking and start breathing and letting things flow and be as they will.
In all it seems an unfathomable thing. Does it truly defy logic? Or am I just paradoxical in love even more so than in anything else in my skwichy-which-way life? I have loved deeply and with great faith and conviction twice in my life. Since then, I have tried... but its never been quite the same. Is this a natural developmental process - that one never quite loves again in the way one once loved when one was young and full of the blind optimism of naivety? I am asking myself several searching questions at once...
Have I been burnt too often and am I therefore too jaded to really embrace loving without reservation?
Have I changed fundamentally with having a child and therefore am unable to throw myself with abandon into relationships because its all so much more serious now?
Am I getting old and realising that with so little time left and so much still to do, its gotta be "the right choice" (if that exists)?
Am I simply ignorning a wise but subtle inner instinct that tells me that this one is not the one for me?
I would love to love, freely, wildly, joyfully...
Why then don't I just do that?
Recently a friend called me a romantic - which surprised me greatly as my faithful blog readers may recall me coming out firmly in favour of love being a thing which is created by willing logical hard work - not a rare jewel that is miraculously found. Yet this friend's observation of me was that I am romantically waiting for Ms Perfect. This idea galls me no end! I want to believe that love is created not found. Yet perhaps this is where I have been going wrong with the recent patterns of heart ache since my first two loves. Another dear friend tells me that I am simply not discerning enough... and it has been said to me several times before that I seem to have the capacity to love anyone if I put my mind to it... my dear friend tells me it is time for me to hold out for something that feels really unequivocably right, rather than trying to squish bumpy shapes into round heart holes (not in exactly those words! But that is how it feels to me).
Perhaps I don't trust that it will ever happen that way?
Perhaps I have already found it and been too scared, jaded, scarred, issue-laden, self-protective and all that jazz to be able to appreciate it?
Perhaps its all just part of my journey and I need to stop thinking and start breathing and letting things flow and be as they will.
christmas spread at the small but happy home
The day started bright and early. The night before I had made a slight tactical error. In the excitment of wanting to introduce her to the wonderful anticipation of christmas eve... just before bed I sat with the little angel in front of the tree and optimistically explained that under the tree were lots of presents for her, and tomorrow was christmas and she would be able to open them in the morning and see what was inside. Predictably delayed gratification was a slightly advanced expectation for a 20 month old... and we had to have some firm words about around the theme of "NOT NOW"...
In the morning I had scaled back my expectations and had thought she would have forgotten the previous night's conversation. At 5.30am I staggered out to make a cup of tea... her little sleepy self trailing behind me... and I was just reaching for the kettle when her footsteps rounded the corner into the living area and I was assailed by a very merry "PREEEESEEEENNNNTTSS!!!!".
And that was that really... it was all on. Before ga ga and pa pa could emerge blinking into the light of the day she was already very happily choo choo choo-ing her new train set.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
So big!
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
dancing and forgetting
I went out dancing... I stayed out til the wee hours. I forgot that I was a mummy, I forgot that I am sensible, I forgot that I have just lost a dear relationship... I smiled and I danced. It was fun! And then 2.30am passed, the champagne started to wear off... and I remembered. I remembered my lost relationship and I was sad. I remembered that I am sensible and out way too late for someone who has to be up early. I remembered that I am a mummy...first and before all else, I'm a mummy. So I attempted to find a taxi, in vain, got a lift, slept from 3.30am to 5.30... crawled out of bed and slipped back into my skin. Back to being sensible mummy, still sad, very tired, but home doing what I do.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Sleepy haze
And now I have that oh so familiar mothers dilemma. I have 2 hours of freedom. This is my rich opportunity to get stuff done... Or should I forget productivity and just have a much needed nap?
In the spirit of my new focus on being healthy first and allowing that to enhance my productivity over time... I shall nap.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Lightening the load
Phew... My head feels kilos lighter!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Bitten baby bits!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)