Last night I wore my jeans...

Last night I went out for a drink.
I wore my jeans - the tight ones, the ones I haven't been able to wear since I bought them two years ago... the ones that look hot.
I wore my black and red top, the one that I have had for years and love, the one that has hung in the wardrobe forlornly for years because I couldnt' fit into it but I didn't have the heart to part with it.
I walked into a bar, a trendy bar, and I realise now, this morning, that not once did I wonder whether people were looking with disdain at the short fat chick.  I realise not once did I feel apologetic towards my partner being seen out with me.  I realise that not once did I sit awkwardly, adjusting to cover up or minimise my tummy, boobs, flab.
It feels fantastic.
I feel proud.

Parts of shrinking me

So I vacillate between thrilled, scared and quietly determined.  I have now lost 6kg in 5.5 weeks.  I have never done anything like this before.  Previously I had set myself the goal of 1kg per month, and failed at that.  Now I am steadily cracking 1kg per week.
My shrinking self is subdivided into lots of paradoxically diverse parts.  Part of me doesn't believe its really true (I was starting to believe I would just be chubby forever).
Part of me is so f-ing loudly proud of myself.
Part of me is quietly self satisfied.
Part of me is utterly focused and determined to move mountains (literally).
Part of me is slightly terrified at the reality of actually achieving this previously unfathomable goal (12kg in 12 weeks).  What will it mean for me if I actually do this?  Will I mean I need to stop limiting myself?  That I need to start living up to the knowledge that I can actually do things when I set my mind to them?  (many of my dear friends would say that they had known this all along and point to my list of achievements, but I tend to focus more on the things I haven't done and form my self-image around them... then again, my to do list has well over 100 things on it so I accept that I may not have realism as one of my strengths... then again I do believe in setting the bar high and surprising yourself... I mean, look at me now... and thus ends a ridiculously long set of bracketed ramblings).
Part of me is tempted to self sabotage (to get back to what I was actually saying)
Part of me is confident that this time I am really changing, both mentally and physically, and I want to hold on to it so hard that my knuckles turn white.
Part of me is well, slightly numb.
Another part is kind of hungry, but it is lunchtime.

learning to dance #2

To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful. This is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking.

Agnes De Mille

Dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another.

Author Unknown

What does it mean to dance with your heart?

Over the last few years I have had experiences which have been rewarding, up-lifting, affirming and empowering. I have discovered new strengths within myself, I have ventured far outside my comfort zones and I have discovered new worlds. I have succeeded and I have been proud of myself. I have grown up, grown stronger and grown wiser.

At the same time, over the last few years, I have had experiences which have challenged me, which have brought self doubt into my heart, which have made me feel like I am not good enough, not successful enough, not pretty enough, not clever enough, not capable enough, not fun enough, just not enough.

In leaving behind these times and looking forward I realise that its a very long time since I have danced in my heart. To dance in your heart is, I think, to feel beautiful, to feel proud of who you are, to feel full of celebration for the moment you are living, to feel loved, to feel richly alive and full of positive confidence for the next step. To dance in your heart is to know that your life is worth dancing about...

Tonight I heard a song which went something like this :

I hope you dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

you get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger

may you never take one single breath for granted

god forbid love ever leave you empty handed

may you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

when ever one door closes I hope one door opens

promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

dance....

I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

never settle for the path of least resistance

life might mean taking chances but they're worth taking

loving might be a mistake but its worth making

don't let some helping heart leave you bitter

when you come close to selling out reconsider

give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope I dance again one day soon.