So recently I was chatting with a good friend and she told me that I needed to "get a life"...
I assume she was joking...I bloody hope so! I repeatedly remind myself that it is only 3 weeks since I gave birth...(breath...chant - only three weeks...breath...) But she was referring to the need for me to find a way to converse for more than 10 minutes without talking about my boobs, breast feeding, or baby puke. And it struck a cord.
This is my fear... like the majority of new mothers I suppose... that my life will narrow to the degree that I won't have anything to talk about other than my child's latest adventure with body fluids.
I guess that some people are happy being obsessed with motherhood and their babies... I guess that if I was completely loving being a mother, if I was high on the bliss of it all, I might not mind being single mindedly focussed on one thing ... I wouldn't mind having not much else in life to talk about or think about. I'm torn because on the one hand I know that I want to focus just on her, that this is what she needs, and I feel terribly guilty when I am distracted from her needs and she suffers in any way. I'm torn because I wanted to be a mother who was able to make my child the centre of my life. My mother did that for me... I am trying...but I wish my heart was singing more about it.
I love her dearly - there is no doubt about that. At times her little face fills me with tenderness... and moments like sitting in bed with her sleeping on my lap in the morning sun feel like paper thin preciousness - so fragile, so quick to pass by, and so translucently joyful...
But at the same time... I am struggling to adjust to the demands and the hard work side of it all... Its not so much the physical demands, although its tiring I can manage that...its the emotional and mental demand to be constantly available, to care for her consistently, to think of her constantly...to be present and there for her whenever she needs me. I know, you don't get the good without the bad as well...but I have moments that I regret.
Some nights I lie in bed and hear her wake and subconsciously I refuse to fully wake up... I sometimes let her go until she is really insistent and starts to get distressed, and then I can finally force myself to properly wake and get up to her. And I feel terribly guilty because I imagine how awful it must be to lie in bed hungry and not be able to do anything about it...and not understand why it is happening... But each night I am starting to dread getting up to feed her more and more. I go to bed with a sinking feeling that I have to do another night...and the knowledge that this is going to go on for months yet!
I feed her from my breasts and I expected that I would love the feeling - that it would be warm and intimate and a gorgeous connection with my child...and for the first couple of weeks it was...but the joy has faded. I could not have anticipated just how physically and emotionally draining breastfeeding feels.... I don't resent feeding my child per say, but my breasts are starting to resent that they have to do it! My nipples hurt, my breasts are heavy and part of my feeling enormous all over, I have milk leaking all over me at times, especially at night... and more than that it feels psychologically very much a giving of myself to her - rather than simply feeding her.
I consider myself a very generous and giving person... and yet I realise that I am most happy to give when I feel like I am making a choice to do so... and more than resenting the giving I feel trapped by the sense of obligation to give... I made a choice to have a child, and now and forever more I must live up to that choice by giving of myself without choice.
I guess that part of the issue is that I don't get a lot back from her yet - its a bit of a one way street really... as it should be - but I hope and pray that when she is able to look at me and smile, cuddle me with affection, tell me she loves me, play games with me etc then I will start to feel more fulfilled. I guess I also need to start to build in things in my life which give back to me - which are fulfilling to me. As I start to develop a routine of my own I will also start to achieve things which give me a sense of reinforcement for myself... I find myself craving a relationship, and I know that this is also about having someone who will give back to me in an intimate way. I have so much support from my family and friends...especially my mum and dad who work constantly to give to me at the moment...and I consider myself incredibly blessed and lucky... what I crave in the wee hours though is a sense of refilling my tanks on a more intimate level. I guess that this is part of why people parent as couples!
I know that this is not unique to me... I imagine almost all new mothers go through times of resenting the demands their child makes on them... I don't blog about it thinking that I am sharing anything profound... but it helps to get it off my chest. Its not something I feel I can have a conversation with people about because I know that its not rational and I don't need logical reassurance... I just need to acknowledge it for myself. I feel a bit lighter already.
And do know that while I have times of feeling down and drained and that things are not quite as I had hoped...while I know that I expected it to be hard but its not something that I could have understood until I experienced it... I do also very much know that I am unbelievably blessed, fortunate, and lucky in a way that is rare and very precious. I keep reminding myself of this....
(and breathing....)
Hmmmm - the only thing harder than getting a group of lesbians to turn up in the same place at the same time? Trying to get a showing from a group of lesbians with children!
