my inner beauty project...

So... recently put it out to the world that I wanted to be struck speechless by beauty...
I meant that I wanted to fall in love, be blown away in awe and overcome with appreciation for another person.  I got four responses from friends.  One reminded me about the splendour of the world around me...which I had forgotten to appreciate this week.  One sought to give me faith that I would have that experience because I gave it to others - whether I knew it or not...  Which was both exceedingly surprising and reassuring.  One reminded me to look at my angel child... which reminded me that I am indeed deeply in love with her, and am indeed rendered speechless in appreciation on such a regular basis that I almost take it for granted now.  And the fourth urged me to look for it inside my own heart.  This one struck me most.
And I am reminded, once again, that I have indeed lost my perspective on what it is that I really need to do to find satisfaction.  I used to know these truths.  I used to know that if I am feeling unsatisfied in my life then it is inner development that is needed.  I used to be clear in the knowledge that my perception of the world is entirely the product of my own mind and its quality.  I used to be in the habit of knowing that my inner development is more important than any external achievement.  I used to commit time and energy to the quality of my mind rather than the trappings of my life.
And I am frustrated that I have forgotten these things.  I am sad that I am not living them.
So... At the same time as I am making a commitment to improving my outer self through healthy eating and exercise.... I am going to make a commitment to getting my insides back on track.
So... I make this commitment.  I am going to find one thing a day which inspires inner beauty to grow.  And I am going to blog about it.
I read once that it takes 21 days to change a habit - so this will be my challenge to myself.  21 days, 21 things to inspire inner beauty.  21 blog posts to record it.
How very exciting!

importance fatigue

So I do love a good challenge... and so let me preface this post by saying that behind any appearance of moaning I am actually still loving the momentous and life changing challenge that this job is delivering.  BUT... I have importance fatigue.  Everything is important... I get it... its all damn important...but sheesh - could it give a girl a break sometimes??  There is never a day when I don't have at least 5 urgent important things to attend do, and usually a lot more than 5.  And as well as all the things that I think are important, I try to be mindful of the fact that every email I get is important to the sender, all the little issues that people bug about they are important to them.  I might be tempted to ignore one, or more, because the issue is not on my importance radar - but having a positive, receptive, engaged and respectful organisational culture is...so I have to take it all as important.  Sigh.  I run, all day, trying to cover as much as I can, trying to work out which important thing is taking priority today, now, in the next hour....and  I am tired.  And I come home and my evenings and weekends are full of things that my little angel thinks are important - and so I have to be turned on her her too... and I am tired.  And I know its all important but sometimes I don't want to care so much.  And now I have a cold too...so tomorrow - I am calling in sick, I am going to stay in bed.  And I know it won't help because the important things pile will be twice as big the next day - but I am going to stay in bed all day and get better.  Because hey, thats important too.

12wbt

So my readers will know my struggle with my weight, and my ongoing search for some way of overcoming my resistence to commiting to a course of action that will make me feel good about myself.  Recently an old friend recommended the 12wbt program - Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation program.  And I like the sound of it.  Firstly it allows for adaption to a gluten free diet, which most of the popular diet programs neglect.  Secondly it is a program that I would be doing together with an on-line community, starting together and ending together - so there can be no postponing, taking a week off or do-overs.  Thirdly it is a completely prescribed program of diet and exercise, down to shopping lists.... so there is no thinking for me to do, only following instructions.  Those who know me will be chuckling, since I am the one who never follows a recipe, and demonstrates a clearly discernible pattern of resistence to authority and doing what I am told.  In this area however, I admit defeat. I need help and I need to hand over control to a higher power. I do know all about  methods to lose weight, in theory, I just don't know how to lose weight.  So I start this program with Michelle's pre-season tasks.  I have identified my goals, monthly, 3 monthly, 6 monthly and 12 monthly.  I have also acknowledged my habitual excuses, written them down, and thought up solutions or rational combatants for the excuses.  I have paid my dollars for the program, and I have made a commitment - in front of a loved one - and on-line in the forum - to making this time different.  This time I will start and finish this program.  This time I will not allow myself to continue to feel like a failure.  This makes me feel exceedingly anxious.  I have tried and failed so many times in the past that it feels impossible to imagine being different, easy to want it, hard to see it in reality.  But I think the only way I stand a chance is one day at a time.  I think I need to avoid thinking about the end goal, or about the bigger commmitments involved.  I need to think that one day at a time I will simply put one foot in front off the other and keep to the program for that day.  And if I do slip up I need to get right back on the next day instead of slipping into failure.  So today I make a commitment to today and tomorrow.  Tomorrow I am going to work, and I will not eat any chocolate or lollies all day.  Working in emergency services has been disasterous for my health.  Well meaning types have filled our work space with chocolate and lollies.  And I cannot stop at one.   And like a drug addict I have to have more.... and now I am the heaviest I have every been.  I need to learn to say no - no to others, and no to my own inner tempting voice... No.  I will not eat any sugary treats tomorrow.  None.
I will report back on how I go!