being healthy makes me happy??

I thought chocolate made me happy... I thought laying on the couch made me happy... I thought not thinking about being unhealthy made me happy...
Turns out I have been wrong.  My readers may have picked up a melancholic theme to my blog in recent days.  Today I experienced my first burst of happy hearted singing and dancing around the house in some months... Today I felt high on life.  Today I actually felt really happy.
Turns out that being healthy actually makes me feel happy.  For the last three days I have been eating clean and lean, I have started exercising, and I have lost 1 kg already.  Today I did a big run at the gym to do my pre-diet fitness test (currently sitting on 9.35 mins to do 1km on the treadmill with a 5 incline).  I also did a bunch of free weights while I was there (and the cute trainer doing weights in front of me didn't hurt).
After I finished I did feel nauseous for a while, but I knew it was just the lactic acid moving around my system.
And then, I felt like dancing...singing... laughing....
And then I felt truly happy.
Its a great start to putting myself and my health first again.

counting down the days

So I am mere days away from my third and final round of the 12wbt.  And sheesh, I ain't looking forward to it.  Yes I want the results... I need to lose another 8-10 kg to feel really really HOT.  And I really would like to feel really really HOT in a bikini on the beach in tropical paradise.  Not sure who I will be impressing... but there is always that HOT chick in the mirror to check out.
I know these diets are supposed to be a permanent life change... not just a short term weight loss fix.  And absolutely - a lot of things have changed for me in a way that is not just a 12 week whirlwind romance relationship with change.  I have actually started to want to go to the gym and zumba and stuff without jumping at any excuse not to.  I definitely trust that it makes me feel good... and that is a big attitudinal shift.  I am also much more aware of portion sizes and daily calorie intake amounts, even if I don't always stick to it.  But as for the program being a permanent way of life... not likely.  I am afraid that I am still in the mindset of wanting to dive headfirst into a cheesecake as soon as the 12 weeks are up.  And I am still in the unfortunate mindset of "making the most of it" between rounds of the program.
Thus, I have put on 2 kg between each round of the program.  So I lost 8, put on 2, lost 5, put on 1.5... meaning I sit here 9.5 kg lighter - but having done the hard yards to lose 13kg!  Bugger!
So I am going to give it another red hot shot.  I am not really sure that I want to... not really sure where I am going to dig out the motivation... and not really sure that my love affair with chocolate that has blossomed in the last few weeks is really ready for the graveyard.
I'm giving up so much at the moment - packing up my house, giving away my things, leaving my ex-lover behind, leaving my job, leaving friends and family, leaving my routines and my parks and my cafes and my whole relatively happy little lifestyle... I seriously have to break up with my mate freddo too??
Sheesh

12wbt

So my readers will know my struggle with my weight, and my ongoing search for some way of overcoming my resistence to commiting to a course of action that will make me feel good about myself.  Recently an old friend recommended the 12wbt program - Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation program.  And I like the sound of it.  Firstly it allows for adaption to a gluten free diet, which most of the popular diet programs neglect.  Secondly it is a program that I would be doing together with an on-line community, starting together and ending together - so there can be no postponing, taking a week off or do-overs.  Thirdly it is a completely prescribed program of diet and exercise, down to shopping lists.... so there is no thinking for me to do, only following instructions.  Those who know me will be chuckling, since I am the one who never follows a recipe, and demonstrates a clearly discernible pattern of resistence to authority and doing what I am told.  In this area however, I admit defeat. I need help and I need to hand over control to a higher power. I do know all about  methods to lose weight, in theory, I just don't know how to lose weight.  So I start this program with Michelle's pre-season tasks.  I have identified my goals, monthly, 3 monthly, 6 monthly and 12 monthly.  I have also acknowledged my habitual excuses, written them down, and thought up solutions or rational combatants for the excuses.  I have paid my dollars for the program, and I have made a commitment - in front of a loved one - and on-line in the forum - to making this time different.  This time I will start and finish this program.  This time I will not allow myself to continue to feel like a failure.  This makes me feel exceedingly anxious.  I have tried and failed so many times in the past that it feels impossible to imagine being different, easy to want it, hard to see it in reality.  But I think the only way I stand a chance is one day at a time.  I think I need to avoid thinking about the end goal, or about the bigger commmitments involved.  I need to think that one day at a time I will simply put one foot in front off the other and keep to the program for that day.  And if I do slip up I need to get right back on the next day instead of slipping into failure.  So today I make a commitment to today and tomorrow.  Tomorrow I am going to work, and I will not eat any chocolate or lollies all day.  Working in emergency services has been disasterous for my health.  Well meaning types have filled our work space with chocolate and lollies.  And I cannot stop at one.   And like a drug addict I have to have more.... and now I am the heaviest I have every been.  I need to learn to say no - no to others, and no to my own inner tempting voice... No.  I will not eat any sugary treats tomorrow.  None.
I will report back on how I go!