the rotunda of resistence

So I have noticed that my child seems to need to resist authority.  Heaven alone knows where she gets this from!? (shuddup you, and you too... you know who you are....)
So there are battles she chooses.  Trust me, she very rarely wins.  Its been a stretch but this passive people-pleasing wanna-be-liked aquarian has found her inner mule and I WILL WIN damn it...
And I am more able to step back from the fight and let frustration and exasperation flow around me because I have seen the pattern now.  It will not last for long... She rotates the battles.
One week its eating... tightly squeezed lips determinately stare down the spoon... No No No I will not eat.... Ok child, starve then.
The next week... its bathing.  No No No I will not have a bath or a shower.... Right, stand her in the shower screaming her lungs out while I hold her down and spray water over her once, and the next night she gives in much more easily!  (Dear Child Safety Services - really, its just noise, she is not genuinely injured, it is only her pride that is bruised... really!)
The next week its dressing.... No No No I will not take my pj's off, take my clothes off, put my pj's on, put my clothes on... little arms fused to sides... little legs straight and kicking....
Once again... holding her down and a few trips to time out later and mummy wins again.
Thank heavens I am still bigger and stronger.
And trust me - I know how to negotiate... I explain logically, I bribe, I cajole, I order... and then I disengage from the argument and apply appropriate consequences.  I get the job done.
And then its back on the rotunda for the next target of resistance.

Its a damn good thing she is cute!

Tick Tick Tick

So time she is a ticking...
Its August.
I leave for Fiji in January.
Oh god.
I have five full months.
Well actually I plan to go over in January for a couple of weeks, find a house, car, nanny etc and come back for my 40th at the end of January... before leaving for real mid February.
My littlest bestie will be born in early Feb and as I listen to the stories of his growth I cannot help but reflect that as we speed towards his entering this little happy Brisbane world, we also speed inexorably towards my time for leaving it.
I know I have been through it all in my head at length... I know its the right thing to do... but still I am nervous and I want the time to go slowly.  I want to milk the essence of every moment here in this little enjoyable life before I head off into the unknown.
Time ticks on... and on....

placentally wrong...

So I have long had a morbid and horrified fascination for the things that people do with placentas.  Ever since the strict vegetarian in my baby yoga class proudly announced that she stir-fried hers with chinese greens and it was "delicious", I have watched out for placental anecdotes with a slightly stronger "disgusted yet can't quite look away" kind of the same reaction as oh, "kids who consume their own poo" stories...
Today, thanks to "Rants from Mommyland" comes the latest gold offering...

At least its cheap!

I'm concentrating...

I pride myself on being a pretty verbal person... I know how to string a sentence together, and heaven and my friends know I like a good chat or two.  So its no real surprise that my child is handy with a noun. 
I love our conversations... she is imaginative, creative in her descriptions of things she observes, logical and entertaining... and sometimes she leaves even me a little lost for words.
Yesterday I politely requested that she come and put on warmer clothes for a promised park outing... She responded "hang on a sec' mummy, I'm concentrating on putting these blocks away"...
"I'm concentrating?" I mean sheesh... the kid is not two and a half yet. 
At least I am still bigger and stronger!
Yeah...

12wbt self inspiration moment...

I need a bit of this....

Extraordinary people have some distinctive traits:

Passionate - Courageously pursue a path they are passionate about. They draw inspiration from others and surround themselves with like-minded people.
Never give up - When an obstacle comes up, they work through it, no matter how tough it might be. They are relentless and recognise that every journey has it's speed bumps.
Resilient Mindset - An extraordinary person creates a mindset that is resilient. A mindset that works with them not against them. An internal programming that lets them know they will achieve their goal. They have an inner faith in themselves.
Disciplined - They work hard, even when they don't feel like it. They recognise that there are times to reap and times to sow. They keep going when many others would stop.
Raise the bar - They achieve and succeed. And when they reach their goals, they set new ones, growing their inner faith and inspiring others around them.

crawling along...

As is the way with those amongst us who are fallibly normal... one's commitment to one's goals waxes and wanes... and the initial rush of novelty of change does not last forever.  My weight loss journey continues, limping at times, but determinantly moving along... another kilo has finally hit the dirt... but this sodding cold weather is proving challenging to the will power and self restraint!  A bikini seems a looooong way away, and that hearty mashed potato, hot chocolate and crunchy toast beckons cruelly....
I limp along but along I do still limp... and I have a new zest for exercise that has impressed me.  Whilst I will not claim to, yet, be addicted enough to brave the freezing rain to complete my intended runs in the last couple of days (I have definite room for improvement) I have been motivated enough to regularly manage to get to a lunch time zumba class each week... even doubling up with the gym as well one day! 
I am slowly starting to change the habitual brain process which looks for an excuse not to exercise and only agrees to it if no suitable excuse can be found - and move towards a mind frame which does not accept an excuse unless it is unavoidable.    I actually look forward to my monday-wednesday morning gym routine... and my exciting gift to myself last week was not clothes, or food, but the complete set of zumba dvd's!  I was more excited about that than I have been in a long time! 
So I see that I am changing. 
And the changes are not just in relation to exercise.  My will power and general belief in myself has changed in ways that go across all areas of my life.  I know now that I can achieve my goals...and this affects me on lots of levels.  I have been facing high pressure situations at work - and not undermining myself, or doubting myself, and have been achieving successes - with much less stress level than in the past.  I have greatly reduced my fear levels about my upcoming overseas move.... trusting that I will be able to make it work for me if I maintain this positive sense of self valuing... I have switched the default setting in my brain from "i'm not sure I can do it...." to "I am pretty damn sure I can do it....".
It feels good.

my first "i love you"...

So I have been trying to encourage the angel to tell me she loves me... I know, it feels kinda wrong to coach her on that...but I figure how is she going to know that its important to tell people if I don't let her know that I like it!?   So she dutifully repeats "I love you mummy" when prompted, but I take it with a grain of the proverbial seasoning. 
One day this week I had a moment, watching her run down the hall, when I wondered if I would hear her spontaneously say those words one day.  I thought about kids with autism, and how utterly heart breaking it must be to never experience your child's love overtly expressed...
In one of those strange quirks of the universe, my ruminated wishes were answered moments later. 
We were sitting on our front step drying our hair in the sun after our morning shower.  We were chatting about something, I don't know what.... and suddenly she looked up at me, and in her eyes was such an incredibly strong and undeniable expression of love... in that moment I thought, in a split second, "Oh, she does love me!".... and then, amazingly, she said it.  She threw her face against me and snuggled in and announced "I love you!". 
It was so powerful, so genuine, so heartfelt. 
I burst into tears immediately, which caused her no small consternation... but I made sure to reasure her that mummy was very happy indeed.
:-)
These are landmark moments - not road signs, but mountains on the parenting journey.

Thats family mummy!

"knock me down with a feather" moment #309747009

So when I was pregnant I had a baby party.   I invited some close friends over, and in anticipation of the arrival of my angel daughter I wanted to create a picture for her bedroom wall that would bring together the important "aunties" in her life.  I called them the fairy god-aunties... a special group of people who would love her.
To do this I gave everyone a small canvas and laid out an array of paints and pens and brushes and collage materials etc.
And people created some gorgeous little images... full of love.
I had them velcro-dotted to a board and hung in her room when my angel was a baby... but the vecro dot's stick didn't last, and after a while I took them down to glue them properly.   Life goes on, fast forward past a lot of distraction, and this week I finally re-hung the properly glued board of clustered colourful canvases. 
And I showed the angel.... "These were painted for you when you were still in mummy's tummy".  I didn't mention the aunties idea... but I did go through and name each painting by who did it.
She seemed quite interested.
Then later in the week I was astounded, delighted and fascinated by the angel's wisdom, once again.  I followed her into her room one night and discovered her standing gazing up at the board of canvases. 
"mummy," she says "thats family!".  She then started reciting all of the names that she could remember.
bless her....
she said it again a few days later.... look mummy.... its family!
Just gorgeous.

Milestone Achieved!

So last February I blithely commented that I really needed to lose 10kg.  I said it lightly, with no conviction that I would actually be able to do it....
It seemed an insummountable mountain of a goal.
I've never achieved anything like that kind of weight loss before... of course I had also never been so large before.
And today .... Four months later...
I have lost 10kg.
This week three different people at work stopped in their tracks and commented on how much weight I had lost. It feels gooooooood.

ouch

So I know that I am no opera singer...
And I was mucking around and being a bit silly...
But it was somewhat humbling when I paused in my singing in the shower this morning to hear the angel, standing at the bathroom door, asking
"mummy are you alright?  mummy sick?"
Sigh...

let them eat carrots

Its been a rough parenting day... After being sick for a week and fussed over, its "I rule the world" week in the angel's opinion...
Its a good thing that it was lightened signficantly by one of the frequent but random moments of extreme cuteness that make me burst into spontaneous joyous laughter...
This one I have remembered to save for prosperity...
Today we lost the treasured  bed bunny at school.  Luckily I have two...but it was with concern that I asked the angel repeatedly to help me look for bunny, and eventually we gave up and left for home.
Half way home her little voice pipes up "mummy, where is bunny?"
"I don't know, we couldn't find him at school"
"mummy where is bunny?"
"I don't know, he's lost"
"mummy, where's bunny?"
"Sweetie.... (sigh) I don't know where bunny is..."
"Mummy, bunny's gone to buy carrots".

These are the moments...

hungry hungry hungry

so its week three of twelve.
and I am hungry.
Its cold...
My body wants filling yummy rich tasty food
my body wants to fill up for the winter months
my body wants to stockpile fuel
my mouth wants to eat and eat and eat
my mind argues...
"just give in to it" the inner labrador rebel calls to me...
"stick with it! you can do it" the inner cheer leader counters...
"baaaaaaaah" the inner grump shouts "I bloody want chocolate, is that a crime??"
"you know you will regret it when you stand on the scales" the inner nag directs
"one day won't hurt" whines the inner manipulator
"one day becomes many days all too easily" says the voice of experience...
no wonder it feels exhausting in here!

this is what it is all about...

doing something.

So I seem to have committed myself to embarking on another adventure...
I seem to have said Yes to going back to work in Fiji.
I seem to have said that I would uproot my comfortable life here, and move to a country where I know almost no-one, where I don't connect with the culture, where I have no support networks, where my lifestyle is unacceptable, where I will have no babysitters or support with Indi, where she will be in a totally new and unfamiliar environment and have to get used to a new day care centre with unfamiliar looking kids, new nanny, new home...where I will be doing a new and highly responsible job, and coming home to an empty house, alone.
I seem to be feeling a not insubstantial level of anxiety about this.
The job offer in Fiji came at a time when I desperately needed a way out of the stuckness of my daily life. I was feeling trapped in a ground hog day, unable to resolve several critical issues in my life, feeling empty and numb inside and knowing I needed to find myself and my passion and my enthusiasm for life again.  So I put it out there to the universe that I needed something, anything, that would get me out of my stuckness and into life again, something that would make me feel like I was living some kind of meaningful existance beyond raising my child and the day to day routines of an everyday life.
And the universe provided.  Out of the blue an email arrived in my inbox offering me an opportunity too good to refuse.  I was asked to return to the organisation I worked with before, the organisation that changed my life last time I was stuck, to the place where I found myself again last time, to the job that made me feel like I was making a difference in the world.  But this time I was asked to return as the Director... to take over from my old boss and run the show.
This is the opportunity I needed.  Exactly.  This, I have learned, is how things happen in my life when I am on my path.  Exactly the right thing happens at exactly the right time.  I just need to have the courage to go with it.  This is the way of my path... When I am not on my path everything seems hard and every way I go I come up against obstacles.  When I am on my path - great things unroll before my eyes and everything falls neatly into place.  I just need to have enough faith to put my foot forward and take the first step.
And so I knew I needed to say yes.  It wasn't easy.  I sat with indecision for months... fear of change battled with need for change.  Fear of the loss of my comfortable life battled with the need to escape my comfortable life.  The need to do something meaningful battled with my fear of being inadequate in trying to do something meaningful.  The knowledge that this opportunity represented everything I had said I wanted to do at exactly this point of my life battled with the fear that I would actually have to DO the things I said I wanted to do...
And so I said Yes.
I felt the fear... and I stepped forward anyway.
And I am still feeling the fear.
I potter along in my comfortable life, living day to day, enjoying the moments... and then in a moment I remember... I remember that in a little over 6 months I will be gone.  My daughter and I will get on an airplane and go to a foreign country and we will be alone.  I will take on a new enormous responsibility.  I will be alone in the evenings, with my sleeping child.  I won't be here to see my friends babies grow into their first years.  I won't be here to spend weekends with my family, watching Indi and her grandparents enjoy each other.  I won't be here to hold my partner's hand.
And in those moments I think "holy crap what have I done?"... and my heart rises into the back of my throat and the world around me goes a little blurry... and often I simply choose to stop thinking about it, take a deep breath and focus on the present moment... and my breathing slows back down and the tears subside and I feel some semblance of normal again.  But the anxiety stays there in the background, underneath, lurking, nibbling at my mind, chasing me in the quiet moments.
So I need to combat the anxiety - and to do this I need to stay connected with the reasons why I do want to do this.  When I focus on everything that I am losing and the risks and unknown elements I lose faith in myself and in my path.  If I am to continue to breath normally I need to keep reminding myself of what I wanted when I invited this opportunity into my life.  I need to keep remembering that this is an opportunity not a sentence.
This is my chance to make a difference in the world.  This is my chance to help people, to help a really valuable and important organisation to do really valuable and important work with people who really need it.  This is actually not about me.  It is not about my lifestyle or really my career (although it will help that too).  It is not about comfort or friends or nice cafes.  It is about something bigger.  This is about being in the world in a way which makes the world a slightly better place.  This is about living a meaningful life.  This is about living from my heart (rather than my desires).  If I wanted a comfortable life that was just about satisfying my wants, then I would stay here.... I would enjoy the cafes and the friends and the nights out when my parents babysit, and the nice days out in the nice parks with my daughter, and the good food in the supermarkets, and the wonderful pleasantness of it all.
Recently in a waiting room I read a magazine article about a girl who, at 25 years old, is living in Cambodia running an orphanage.  She has given up a comfortable young life of clubs and bars and weekends away with friends... and of building a cushy career and wearing nice clothes and meeting boys... and she is looking after kids who really need her.  And she has no intension of coming home.  She is happy.  And I was shocked.  How could she really give up a fun life at home to sacrifice in that way for the kids?  And then I was shocked at myself!  How did I become someone who was shocked by that!?  When I was her age I would have understood completely.  I would have wanted to go myself.  When I was younger than her I did go out in the world myself and want to do good.  I really really wanted to do good in the world.  I was passionate about compassion.  I lived from my heart.  And then over the years that passion faded... Somehow I started to care about good coffee and a nice lifestyle more than I cared about the poor of the world.  Somehow I started to care about looking pretty and having a pretty house and eating pretty food and buying pretty toys for my daughter.
Somehow I lost my passion.
I don't meditate anymore.
I don't know how I feel anymore.
Its no wonder I feel numb - I don't connect with my heart anymore.
So this is my chance.  This is my chance to go out in the world and find my heart again.  This is my chance to put aside my attachment to my own comfortable little life and embrace the bigger picture.  This decision to go is not about my lifestyle... it is about doing what is right, what is meaningful, what helps people, what makes a difference.
So I need to stop focusing on whether I will find nice friends or a nice house or a nice car.  I need to stop worrying about whether I will have a nice lifestyle in Fiji...
And I need to focus on the fact that this is my opportunity to be the person I once believed I could be.
My favourite quote is :
I cannot do everything, but I can still do something.... and I will not refuse to do the something I can do.  Helen Keller

This is about doing something.

Just for the kicks...

Im a thwarted restauranteur... And I love making yummy food for the angel... Such a shame she won't eat anything but jatz and pear and chocolate this week. I keep trying... More for my sake than hers!

Week One again....

So its week one of the second round of my 12 week program....
And I am happy.
I am happy because despite the little voice in my head which says "cheesecake makes me happy!", actually being healthy and strong makes me happier...
I am happy because today I did the 1km walk/run part of the fitness test at the start of this round and I realised I can run... in the past I was puffing after less than a minute of running.... but this time I found myself bounding along happily.  Its only my shin splints that prevent me from running more.  My shins hurt... they still hurt... but thats something I just need to live with.
I am happy because I have already lost 1.5kg of the 2 kg that I put on in the break between the end of the last round and the start of this one.  I must confess that I binged a wee bit... My mind played tricky tricks on me - telling me to stock up on the naughties while I could and that I would feel more motivated on the next round if I had "had my fill" of the bad stuff before I started.... silly mind! Although I am feeling pretty motivated so perhaps feeling sick from too much cake did help in some way.
I am happy because I did Zumba for the first time and this has been one of my goals for a really long time.  I have been too nervous to go to a class because I thought I would be too unfit to keep up.  This fear, combination with my natural lack of ability to follow the moves in classes, meant I keep looking at the timetables and being too embarrased to turn up.   This week I did a lunch time express class... and I loved it!  Sure I was often on the wrong leg, and I had to concentrate really hard to get my arms and legs doing different things at the same time, but once I started to get the hang of it my inner dancing demon came out and I loved it!  I am hooked, I want more!
I am happy because I am now wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans.
I am happy because my ultimate weight loss goals are in sight and seem possible.
I am happy because I am proud of myself.

12wbt Round 2

So I am writing my commitment to the next round of the 12wbt program.  I am starting again, another 12 weeks.  Once again I find myself already plagued by self doubt.  Will I give up after a couple of weeks?  Will I start cheating and let it all unravel?  Will I let life get in the way of my goals?
I'm trying to find my inner self will.  This is my commitment statement.

My commitment is to myself.  I will find my focus, and I will hold on tight to it.  I will be consistent because I will put my own needs before keeping others happy.  Being on this program is not always convenient for other people.  I can't go out for sunday breakfast, or dinner.  I can't join in with the celebration cake or drinks.  I can't fit in with other people's plans.  I can't be convenient.  This is a huge change for me... I am accustomed to not rocking the boat. 
My commitment is therefore to put myself first, my health first, my self esteme first.  I loved the last round of this program, and for the first 9 weeks I did really well.... and then I sabotaged.  I lost focus.  I started putting other people's convenience first, people pleasing and not really believing that I could be the slim attractive successful woman I once was.  I stopped putting myself first because I stopped believing that I deserved it.
My commitment is therefore to believe I can be the woman I want to be, that I can do it, that I can live my dreams.
No self limiting, no self sabotage.

Mmhmmm

Is this the face of a child who is doing good listening? (hint: mummy said don't drink the bathwater)

Owie!

Oh dear... In the time it took me to say "don't touch mummy's shaver, it's sharp"... The angel sliced the top of her thumb. There is nothing quite like the sight of copious quantities of baby blood to bring out your inner nausea monster! Anyone else's injuries inspire the stoic in me... But the angel being hurt... Shudder! She proved singularly unimpressed with the spunky "sticker" and had to be bribed to leave it on. It's just as well we had the best possible medicine... Mmmm chocolate!

Blaaaa

So I am on a two week break between 12wbt rounds... And have given myself permission to eat at will and satisfy any lingering cravings before I start another 12 weeks of committed focus. I also gave myself permission to take off the regular exercise focus and let other things in life come first... Blaaaa and bluck. I feel yuck. Although my eating has been what I would once have called normal... I feel bloated and toxic. I miss clean eating! I miss exercise!
Sheesh...

Sent from my iPhone

A slippery slope

So its week 11 of my 12 week weight loss challenge.  I feel both proud and disappointed.  I have lost an incredible 8kg... which feels so wonderful and I am so incredibly pleased with myself.  I put on clothes, and they fit.  I dress once, without having to change 4 times to find something that doesn't make me feel enormous.  I look in the mirror and I like what I see...
At the same time I am also disappointed that I have stalled.  My challenge is now to move to the next level of loss, out of my current wardrobe and into the small clothes I have packed away.  Its been too easy to rest on my laurels now.  I have lost focus and I want it back.
I have two weeks of this 12 week round to go and I recommit myself to getting and staying on track.  I then maintain myself for a few weeks, and will start a second 12 week program at the end of May. My overall goal is to lose 15kg... which will see me under 60 kg for the first time since my early 20's.
Its a hugely challenging goal and one that I already find myself doubting my capacity to achieve.  It will require an incredible amount of physical effort, but more than that is the mental work involved.  My mental image of myself is about where I am now.  I let go of the hope of ever being smaller than this again, and I am not really sure how I will get my head around it or what it will mean for me.
One thing I am sure of, having learnt it from experience... it will be achieved through consistency, with humility and not thinking I know better than the program, and by focusing on one kilo at a time.
One step at a time, up the slippery slope...

Kicking the bucket...

One of these is a cuddly bed comforter... The other is a bucket.
One, when taken into bed and held in the soft arms of a sweet slumbering child results in a sound night's sleep for mummy. The other, when insisted upon as a bed companion, on pain of screaming tantrum puke-fest, and held in an iron grip all night, results in a somewhat broken night of sleep for the consequently grumpy mummy.
Lesson learned = there is really not quite enough room in a standard cot for four soft toys, a two year old who likes to toss around a lot...and a standard household bucket.
I could happily kick that g@d-dmmmm bucket!

A new truck!

She does love her trucks! My little Tom-boy baby... Mummy was secretly pleased, in a slightly guilty sort of a way, to see her completely thrilled with her new dolly and pram though :-) today she headed up the road with grandma, pushing her baby in it's pram... Then quickly doubled back to let me know, as I lugged the weeks groceries in from the car, "mummy, I'm going to go to MY shops now... Bye!"

It's spotty wot!

My angel has a party

So we had the angel's 2nd birthday party and a merry time it was. Part way through the afternoon she came up to me and whispered "I have a fun party mummy"... And my heart was full of joy... And full it remains... I am brimming with the incredible, deep, all-encompassing, take-your-breath-away, proud-as-punch, can't-help-but-smile, gazing-goofily kind of mother love. She is my treasure... And she is a big 2!

My angel turns two!

It's my little angel's birthday and I am gripped by the certainty that she is growing up (despite still wearing 00 sized jeans!). Her pride and joy this year is a much desired scooter (after months of stealing them in the park). We have a few riding lessons to go though :-)

Last night I wore my jeans...

Last night I went out for a drink.
I wore my jeans - the tight ones, the ones I haven't been able to wear since I bought them two years ago... the ones that look hot.
I wore my black and red top, the one that I have had for years and love, the one that has hung in the wardrobe forlornly for years because I couldnt' fit into it but I didn't have the heart to part with it.
I walked into a bar, a trendy bar, and I realise now, this morning, that not once did I wonder whether people were looking with disdain at the short fat chick.  I realise not once did I feel apologetic towards my partner being seen out with me.  I realise that not once did I sit awkwardly, adjusting to cover up or minimise my tummy, boobs, flab.
It feels fantastic.
I feel proud.

Parts of shrinking me

So I vacillate between thrilled, scared and quietly determined.  I have now lost 6kg in 5.5 weeks.  I have never done anything like this before.  Previously I had set myself the goal of 1kg per month, and failed at that.  Now I am steadily cracking 1kg per week.
My shrinking self is subdivided into lots of paradoxically diverse parts.  Part of me doesn't believe its really true (I was starting to believe I would just be chubby forever).
Part of me is so f-ing loudly proud of myself.
Part of me is quietly self satisfied.
Part of me is utterly focused and determined to move mountains (literally).
Part of me is slightly terrified at the reality of actually achieving this previously unfathomable goal (12kg in 12 weeks).  What will it mean for me if I actually do this?  Will I mean I need to stop limiting myself?  That I need to start living up to the knowledge that I can actually do things when I set my mind to them?  (many of my dear friends would say that they had known this all along and point to my list of achievements, but I tend to focus more on the things I haven't done and form my self-image around them... then again, my to do list has well over 100 things on it so I accept that I may not have realism as one of my strengths... then again I do believe in setting the bar high and surprising yourself... I mean, look at me now... and thus ends a ridiculously long set of bracketed ramblings).
Part of me is tempted to self sabotage (to get back to what I was actually saying)
Part of me is confident that this time I am really changing, both mentally and physically, and I want to hold on to it so hard that my knuckles turn white.
Part of me is well, slightly numb.
Another part is kind of hungry, but it is lunchtime.

Poltergeist snapshots

I love this post from Suburban Snapshots... I couldn't have said it better myself!

 

Why Having a Toddler is Like Living in Poltergeist

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

If Poltergeist isn't one of your all-time family classics, well, your family is probably a little more balanced than mine. But really, who doesn't enjoy possessed trees, evil clowns, and angry, decomposing Native Americans? That's got quality time written all over it.

10. Items reappear out of place mere seconds after you've put them away.
9. In the dark, you sense an unwelcome presence in your room.
8. You frequently resist the urge to run screaming from your own home.
7. You're never really alone.
6. You can't escape the voices calling your name.
5. You could have sworn you just turned that light off.
4. The TV has more power over your child than you do.
3. You're often terrified by what you find under the bed.
2. A very small person keeps telling you what to do, and strangely, you keep listening.
1. You know that the only way you'll get any peace is a hotel room clear across town.

Posted by Brenna at 9:10 PM  

Where does she learn it??

Now I know that I cannot be with my child 24 hours a day... I cannot know everything she experiences... and I will never know or see every part of her rapidly expanding multifaceted personality.   I get that this is a huge growth stage, as she prepares to turn two in less than two weeks... (oh my heavens) but still, logic aside, I am constantly, pleasantly, amusingly surprised by her moments of spontaneous individuality!  Its quite an adjustment to get used to the idea that I am no longer the fountain of all her learning... the three days a week she spends in day care are obviously having quite an impact!

Tonight she was watching her evening wind down TV shows... ABC kids... and it was night-time in which ever saccharin sweet story was playing... she suddenly and very loudly announced "Its dark but I'm not scared!  I'm not scared! I'm not scared!..." (repeat). Where did that come from??

Powering along

So I am really pleased to announce that I am finally back in the sexy sixties... This is the first time since I had my angel that I have weighed in under 70kg... and I am really feeling the difference.  I also notice, oddly and strangely, that I actually feel much better after exercising!  Well there you go... I have known those words to be truth in an abstract sense - kind of like knowing that I have rhino-like creatures living in my eyelashes... but I have not really experienced it in a believable way.
The other thing that surprises me immensely is that this is the first diet that I have done during which I actually feel like I am changing my way of life, not just "doing time".  I have done lots of diets before, lots, and each time it has felt like I am just hanging in there for it to end so I can get back to "normal" eating.  And I have not seen results....
But this time I can't imagine going back to the way I was eating.  I feel so much better having had a salad for lunch rather than something oily, fatty or loaded with carbs.  I am really loving learning new ways of eating, and I think perhaps I am a convert!  I also think I will finish this with a healthy terror of going back where I was... and I plan to THROW OUT (yes, you heard me... overcome my hoarding instincts and consign to charity) my 70kg plus clothes.
5 kilos down and 7 to go.... I am almost half way to my 12 week goal.
Go me :-)

going strong....

So its now the start of week four of my 12 week body transformation challenge.  And I have lost 4kg!  If I do say so myself... I rock!   This is the first time that I have actually stuck to something, with consistency and without my usual oh-so-familiar voice of rebellion.  I am also seeing results!  this can be a double edged sword, in my past experiences, and that sword can slice one of two ways - I can either feel inspired to go on.... or I can decide I deserve a reward for good effort - and fall off the wagon completely.
This time I am pleased, again, to report that I have overcome these irrational urges and celebrated my progress... and gotten up and kept on going... go me!

Mmmm healthy!

So it's interesting how quickly habits can change... This morning was one of the rare mornings that the angel slept in... Tho before any mums get jealousy pangs let me clarify that the 7.30 'sleep in' was after a 4.30am enthusiastic (read 'loud') attempt to convince me that angels are supposed to get up when the birds do... My plan had been to rise at 6... Eat a nutritious low fat breakfast, make a nutritious low fat lunch, drop the angel to day care, hit the gym and then go to work. Buuut... This morning provided me with a perfect excuse to scrap the whole ambitious plan by presenting my bleary eyes with the brightness of 7.30 when my 'mummy mummy mummy' alarm went off.
Did I scrap it? Did I make the easier path more trodden? Nope... I got my shrinking butt in gear and ate my egg whites, prepared yummy healthy wrap fillings, did a hard hot workout at the gym and arrived at work puffed, flushed, but proud (if half an hour later than planned...).

cReflecting on capable... I realize that I spend a lot of energy trying to fit the standards and expectations of others... And not enough on being appreciative of myself the way I am.... I have a lot of great qualities... I'm generous, kind, creative, interesting, adventurous, warm, funny, patient, a great cook, a great friend and a wonderful mother... I have an open heart and mind, I am sincere, honest and courageous. I can laugh at myself and own my own stuff and take responsibility for myself. I'm smart and I learn new things fast. I have great ideas and communicate really well. I have a good sense of perspective on life, am non-judgmental and very likable. I can be wise and perceptive, and courageously honest with myself and others. These are just some of the great things about me.
Yes, my super is a mess, yes, my budgeting skills leave a bit to be desired, yes I have too much clutter in my house, and I'm a bit disorganized in some areas of life... Yes, my life goals are a bit unfocussed because I am still not really fixed on specific priorities and strategies to meet them... But I'm very capable of being a really lovely person... And that I appreciate.
Sent from my iPhone

Sick again... Booo

We've had a much better run for a while... But a cold has conquered the angel today... Boohoo baby...

Decisions

So I have two major decisions to make.
1. Will I try to have a second child?
2. Will I take the wonderful job I have been offered in Fiji... and go for 2.5 years.
I have been agonising over these decisions. They are interlinked because I would not consider moving to Fiji if I decided to try and have another child.  So I need to decide the first one before I can start to answer the second.

Capable

So I have realised that some of the people closest to me don't see me as very capable.  I understand... I don't always see myself as very capable.  I am going to change this.  I am sticking to my 12 week program... I am going to reach my goal of losing 10kg.  I am going to focus on being more capable, determined, successful in general.
I'll show them and show myself.

Day 3 of 84

So its day three of the 12 week body transformation program and I am going strong.   I have eaten 850 calories the first day, and 1050 calories the second day, and I am on track for another low day today... I know is lower than the recommended 1200 calories per day but decided that I wanted to launch an ambush on the blubber body and go in hard.  If I can adjust my appetite and energy levels to manage on this then sitting around and up to 1200 will be easier going forward.  I also wanted to have a sense of achievement and hit the scales hard in the first week...
So I am being disciplined with eating... but I knew that exercise would be the stickier issue... and on Day 1 I did not manage any exercise...the angel slept in, it rained, I was tired blah blah... excuses got in the way.  Day 2 however dawned differently and I made the effort to check the new improved local gym and see what deals the new owners were offering... and lo!  it was fabulous!  Suits me to a tee... no commitment, no contract, pay by the week and cancel any time..and only $10 a week. I love it!  Suits my commitment phobia to the ground...And they have set up 30 minute intensive workout programs around the gym...guided by firm voices and beeping machines the gym itself pushes you through a "go hard and fast" workout... for 30 minutes!  Awesome!  Just my style of working out... no time to get bored, and hey, I can do anything for 30 minutes....No classes and no childcare...but it is right near the child care centre and so I really don't have any excuses on Monday, Tuesdays and Wednesday...I just need to set my alarm, get up early and make sure I drop Indi off 45 minutes early, train hard and fast, change and head into work.... or alternatively leave work early and train before I pick her up... so now added to the assorted toys and kid snacks in the back of my car will be a bag of gym clothes ready to go...
So I am very pleased to report that I have trained both day 2 and day 3... good hard fast 30 minute workouts... and the scales are loving me.  2kg lost in two days... now they are my kind of numbers!  I am not expecting the scales to be so kind on a regular basis... we have a long love hate history to overcome... but I;m off to a running start.
So.... overcoming resistance, overcoming laziness, overcoming excuses.  I feel good, am already looking rosy cheeked and alive, and I am feeling positive and motivated.  Go me!

Occupation : baby

Every man, woman and child must complete an immigration declaration... They let me sign for her though...

Happiness is....

my brave little fish...

Its amazing to watch... not yet 2 years old and my brave little angel has merrily been teaching herself to swim.  There is a fine line between brave and over-confident, and I fear she has crossed it many times, but so far I have managed to pull her up for air each time before she passes out.  She just loves to dive head first into the water and swim!  Fortunately the little mermaid has learned to very effectively hold her breath under water.  Unfortunately she is only just starting to learn how to get her head up out of the water to take another breath.... Fortunately she has quickly gotten the idea of kicking and paddling her arms...Unfortunately she prefers to swim alone and deliberately and swiftly moves away from the helpful arms of adults to try her moves.    She's a handful, no doubt about it, but thankfully she is also smart, capable and confident.  I guess I can't ask for a lot more!

My big girl!

So my angel becomes more and more independent everyday... Despite a persistent stubborn refusal to aim for the potty, she is none-the-less very proud of her ability to put on her own shoes :)

12wbt

So my readers will know my struggle with my weight, and my ongoing search for some way of overcoming my resistence to commiting to a course of action that will make me feel good about myself.  Recently an old friend recommended the 12wbt program - Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation program.  And I like the sound of it.  Firstly it allows for adaption to a gluten free diet, which most of the popular diet programs neglect.  Secondly it is a program that I would be doing together with an on-line community, starting together and ending together - so there can be no postponing, taking a week off or do-overs.  Thirdly it is a completely prescribed program of diet and exercise, down to shopping lists.... so there is no thinking for me to do, only following instructions.  Those who know me will be chuckling, since I am the one who never follows a recipe, and demonstrates a clearly discernible pattern of resistence to authority and doing what I am told.  In this area however, I admit defeat. I need help and I need to hand over control to a higher power. I do know all about  methods to lose weight, in theory, I just don't know how to lose weight.  So I start this program with Michelle's pre-season tasks.  I have identified my goals, monthly, 3 monthly, 6 monthly and 12 monthly.  I have also acknowledged my habitual excuses, written them down, and thought up solutions or rational combatants for the excuses.  I have paid my dollars for the program, and I have made a commitment - in front of a loved one - and on-line in the forum - to making this time different.  This time I will start and finish this program.  This time I will not allow myself to continue to feel like a failure.  This makes me feel exceedingly anxious.  I have tried and failed so many times in the past that it feels impossible to imagine being different, easy to want it, hard to see it in reality.  But I think the only way I stand a chance is one day at a time.  I think I need to avoid thinking about the end goal, or about the bigger commmitments involved.  I need to think that one day at a time I will simply put one foot in front off the other and keep to the program for that day.  And if I do slip up I need to get right back on the next day instead of slipping into failure.  So today I make a commitment to today and tomorrow.  Tomorrow I am going to work, and I will not eat any chocolate or lollies all day.  Working in emergency services has been disasterous for my health.  Well meaning types have filled our work space with chocolate and lollies.  And I cannot stop at one.   And like a drug addict I have to have more.... and now I am the heaviest I have every been.  I need to learn to say no - no to others, and no to my own inner tempting voice... No.  I will not eat any sugary treats tomorrow.  None.
I will report back on how I go!

Hidden paradise....

So I am embarrassed to admit it, but I am too excited not to share it... I have discovered that there is a stunning national park, gorgeous cafe, beautiful picnic areas, scenic drive in mountain coolness, all a mere puttle from my home! Said lovely national park has been on my list of places to see for years, but I kept putting it off because it seemed a journey requiring time and planning and well, time... (which is a somewhat rare commodity around here...) but when I finally took the leap I am thrilled to discover it starts only 15 mins from my house! Sometimes it is our own minds that make things seem much harder than they really are... :)