imaginary friends...

So we have new house guests… Charlie and Lola and Lota have come to stay… mostly Indi likes to play with Charlie, and he is very pleased with her when she does good things, like having a shower when asked, or packing up her toys… and he doesn’t mind at all when we sneak up on him when he is having a nap on mummy’s bed and jump on him.

He’s that kind of imaginary friend.

 

woosh, what was that? time passing??

So we reach the end of what felt like a really long time in Australia but has actually been a rushed, busy, exhausting, blink and you miss it trip to home shores.  Its been quite disruptive and disconcerting to be honest.  It has been long enough to feel like we have lost touch with Fiji, long enough that I feel I should have been able to achieve a lot, long enough to start feel attached to things here again, long enough that, lulled into a false sense of security, I let my guard down and let time pass unchecked.   And now we are at the end and I wonder where the time went - I have achieved less than half of the things I wanted to do here, and less than a quarter of the work I wanted to get done.  It feels like I have been running the whole time and just now I realise I have been running lost in circles.  I know I have been busy all the time, certainly I don't feel at all relaxed.  And yet I look back and cannot for the life of me work out what I did all the time.
Frustrating!

Back in the motherland

So we ran away... we ran away from water and no power and stress and potential illness and the general chaos of it all.  We got caught up in the hype of fleeing tourists and we booked urgent flights. We escaped to parental sanctuary... working internet, nice meals, hot water, sunshine and child care.   So we find ourselves suddenly and surprisingly in the motherland.  We had planned a brief one week trip home that would have been a whirl of socialising, but now have a three week span at home and while the little angel is enjoying the luxury of grandma on tap, I am instead spending my time feeling guilty about not being at work, and working as much as I can from here.  Of course I am seeing friends as well, but we haven't been away long enough to make that feel really special, more a pleasant surprise.
And I miss my home.. I miss our little home, our newly growing friendships, our little plants and the routines we were just settling in to.  I feel dislocated here - everything is very familiar and yet not comforting.  It doesn't feel like "home"... it feels like the place we used to live.
So I work ... I work on gathering donations to freight over to flood devastated families, I work on planning and supporting the teams who are doing the real work.... I feel connected when I am working...
The time is flying and yet it feels strangely bubble-like...
I feel like I am already slipping into what I now think of as my "developing country persona".  I like myself in developing countries.  I am different, I am more real, I care less about my appearance, my hair, what people think of me.  I care more about people, real experiences, personal and mental development, quality use of time, observing and listening rather than talking, experiencing rather than owning, and fighting for what I believe in rather than living numb.  I like myself more in this persona but it also makes me feel disconnected from other people, from my "home" culture.  This persona is more about aloneness, about going my own way, about living my path rather than sharing my journey.
I find myself feeling single for the first time in a very long time - with sadness and relief.  I tell myself that all I need to do is follow my path and everything will be ok - because this is how I truly feel... and I know that I am on my path for the first time in a long time - and it feels good.  Yet at the same time I am slightly concerned for myself as I trudge further into my 40th year of life - single, solo, alone.  Am I too focused on my own journey to allow myself to experience my own family, partnership, togetherness?  By taking this path am I sentencing myself to being a lonely spinster mother?  Will I start to live through and smother my child?  Will I be that interesting but eccentric old lady whose child has grown and gone out to live her own life and who now has lots of interesting stories but no-one to listen to them?  Will I regret these choices as an old lonely lady who had lots of love to give but never quite found a way to give it to a life lover?  Will I become bitter, uncompromising, set in my ways, impossible to be in a relationship with?  Will I continue to chose to live in places and ways that make relationships almost certainly not an option?
These are the questions that bubble under the surface as I sit the lounge room of this very pleasant "old home" of mine... I could have stayed here and chosen a much simpler easier life... and yet as I sit here now I know .... I am doing exactly what I need to be doing, and this is not where I need to be.
I have my fingers crossed that somehow my path takes me to a place where I can have the best of both worlds.

52 reasons why you shouldn’t date an aid worker...

the world is full of water

so we are surrounded by water... falling endlessly, I wonder how the sky can hold such an amount and continue to drop it relentlessly.  Thankfully we are some of the lucky ones and our home is not submerged, we are only without power.  But we are more than lucky, we are privileged and wealthy, and we can escape to the local hotel and their generator and avoid the suffering reality of all around us.  While many have lost their homes, livelihoods and cherished few possessions, again, we bemoan the minor inconveniences of cold showers and kids who want to watch DVD's and don't understand why the On button doesn't work.  We have food, we have money and we are dry.  Blessed are we and may we stay this way!

the moods of an angel...

dark days indeed

So today the christian right wing achieved political power in my home state. I feel so incredibly sick and sad as I watch the progressive world I thought I lived in be over taken by forces of hate masquerading as religion.  I thought that as we evolved as a culture we would develop into a more aware, more accepting, less judgemental, more kind species.   I thought it was there was a law of inexorable growth of wisdom.  But I was wrong.  I look around the world and I see humanity going backwards at a rate of knots.  I see hard won freedoms being taken away, I see acceptance withdrawn, I see people embracing hate and turning away from equality.  It distresses me greatly, makes me feel powerless, makes me want to search for a pocket where I can be protected and yet it also makes me want to fight. 
The worst part is that it is making me so angry - and I don't want to become like them... I don't want to be infected by hate... and yet to sit here and take it - to be told that I am an abomination, that my beautiful child is an abomination, abused by me for being created by me - it makes me sick in my stomach and I want to scream and shout at them... but I won't let them make me like them... I won't allow their hate to infect me - that is the only control I can hold on to in these dark days indeed.
In the country I live in at the moment people keep inviting me to come to their churches.  I politely decline... "Its not for me" I politely respond.  What I want to say it something more along the lines of :
"No, I will not come to your church.  I will not sit in a room and smile and play nice with people who believe that I am an abomination - people who would self-righteously condemn my beautiful child to eternity in hell for the perceived sins of her mother.  I will not sit with people who believe that my act of creating that perfect miracle child was an act of abuse of she who I love and protect with my life.  I will not put myself in a room with people who worship a book which is filled with hatred and judgement and down-right weird-ass-shit.  I will not accept that you can disregard the parts of that book which you find inconvenient as you cut your hair, eat your prawns and do your gardening on a Sunday afternoon, but that you will hold onto a line which condemns my family and I to a life of being treated as though we are less than human.  I will not accept the lies you tell when you say that God loves all his children, when you say you live by his words, but you add your own subtext (except the gay ones).  
When your church stands up for not just the equal rights of all, but the equal value of all in the world - regardless of gender, age, race, sexuality, ability or any other defining factor other than the goodness of their hearts and the kindness of their actions, then I would consider coming to one of your services.  When your church respects me I may learn to respect it.  You let me know when that happens and invite me then.  Until then I would like you to look me in the face and tell me that I am evil, that your church is right and I am wrong... you tell me to my face that I am going to burn in the fires of hell for eternity for practicing love, compassion, openness and acceptance of everyone - including my lover.  Look me in the face and tell me I should embrace a church which practices hate, perpetuates fear and promotes judgementalism.  Look me in the face and tell me I am wrong"
Thats what I want to say....

Now I know what I am worth...

Humbling child quote for today...

As she zips up her little suitcase and heads for the door she says...

"Bye mummy, I am going to the airport to get the airplane... Bye-bye and thanks for getting the money mummy"..

letting go, letting suffer

so yes, I am somewhat protective of my angel... I am a single parent, and I am her world.  Whilst she has a higher level of verbal ability than many teenagers, I keep reminding myself that she is only 2.  That she is three in a couple of weeks is something I am yet to come to terms with, but in the meantime, I keep telling myself that she is only little and this whole moving countries business is a lot for a little person to deal with.  I wrap my life around her and my perception of her needs in an effort to cushion her, to protect her from anything except joy... As a single parent now living in a foreign country with little support and a demanding full time job, that approach is proving tricky.  Plagued by guilt if she so much as whimpers, I have convinced myself that, having dragged her away from home and security, its my job now to make it as wonderful an experience as I can and ensure that she does not suffer at all for my decision.
This is not working so well for me.
At the same time as she is undoubtably my own personal world - outside our door there is a big world that also needs some attention.  Yesterday a good friend called and gave me a pep talk and I appreciate it.  She reminded me that my angel has a really good life over all... compared to the vast majority of children in the world she is truly blessed.   She can have no doubt that she is deeply loved, she is abundantly cared for, nurtured in all possible ways, and provided with an endless supply of stimulating entertainment.  She rarely has to complain because she almost always is provided with pleasurable experiences.
So in the context of that - its ok for me to disappoint her sometimes.  Sometimes she wants to stay home and play and I need to go to work.  Its ok for her to be upset and annoyed - thats life afterall.  I am often upset and annoyed that I have to go to work instead of relaxing at home - but I have learned that in life, we don't always get what we want, and rewards require sacrifice.  This is what I need to teach her also.  I don't need to feel guilty for letting her down and not meeting her immediate desires.   When I drop her at day care and walk away hearing her cry behind me  I am not being a cruel abandoning mum, I am giving her an opportunity to learn independence.  When I teach her that she is not my only priority I am helping her understand that the world does not revolve around her.  When I push her into new challenging situations I am building her resilience, her strength, and her courage.
Its ok for me to stop entirely protecting her from discomfort.  I need to refocus - moving away from keeping her "happy" all  the time... and towards keeping her healthy and safe, even if she disagrees with my decisions and voices her discontent at times.
In my job now I am doing really important meaningful work.  She does not understand this, but in time she will.  My work requires me to travel, to be available for longer hours than in past roles, to balance my home and work life with more care and less emotive prioritising.  Indi is going to have to cope with this or I may as well resign myself to a life of nurturing her at the cost of my own goals in life, and probably producing a fragile, inflexible, tyrannical child who expects to be at the center of the world around her.
So I convince myself to be brave, to face my guilt head on, to prioritise the big picture, and to deal with it - just as I want her to learn to do.

what we think we become...

What we think we become... I have been repeating those words to myself when I feel overwhelmed and start to slide into the spiral of negative thinking that leads me into the "I can't do this" place.  I am following my dream and I know I am in the right place... I do know that in my guts... and I knew it would be hard work and that I would have to really push myself to achieve my potential.  That is one of the reason I really wanted to do this adventure.  And so I am not surprised that it is hard... that I am finding myself struggling... I am hampered by several things...I hate going to bed early and my angel is waking with the sun at 5:30am - so I am constantly tired.  When I am tired by normally poor short term memory becomes a liability.  And thirdly - I am really much more interested in playing with my child and doing enjoyable things than in working.  This has not always been the case for me - before having a child I was very committed and really enjoyed working hard.  Now not so much... I am also used to working 3 days a week and so jumping up to a full time position is reminding me how much I love weekends and evenings to myself ie not doing the work I need to do to really get on top of this new challenge and stop treading water and bluffing my way through.
As we think we become... I need to start shaping my attitude and approach by setting my intention clearly, and using my thoughts to motivate instead of undermine...
Phew.
Tomorrow...

the lows and the highs...

So today I was tired... I was hot... The novelty of this CEO business is wearing off to reveal a lot of really hard work that I have to actually do... I'm in a foreign country without any support or help... and today the child really started to bug me... she threw tantrums in the shops, she hid from me in the supermarket, she demanded treats, she ran into people with her mini shopping cart, she grabbed things from the shelves and refused to put them back, she refused to get in her car seat, she argued about everrrrryyyyttthhhing... and yes, mummy got cranky... picture me standing in the supermarket in a country famed for deep christian values and for loving children, gripping a recalcitrant wrist and fuming "Jesus Christ Child, you are driving me mad!"  I don't think it went down well...

But then this evening as I was putting her to bed I was so tired that I lay down with her for a while... and she was deeply concerned... "Mummy, are you tired?" and started stroking my face gently... and then she threw her arms around me and nuzzled in and exclaimed "Mummy, I love you!... You are my best friend"... and went on to repeat that, interspersed with more cuddles and gentle strokes, about a dozen times... What a treat to end the day with - better than chocolate!

My little angel heading off to the swimming pool... where did my baby disappear to?
So it seems that I, once again, underestimated this incredible child.  I thought that uprooting her from all she had ever known, sticking all our stuff on a plane, unloading her in a strange house, in a strange country, sending her to a strange new school and surrounding her with unfamiliar faces and languages and lifestyles...well I thought that might just cause her some concern.
It seems I was wrong.  Not only have her legs grown, longer and browner, so too has her mind.  Rather than retreating into regression or rebellion, my angel has blossomed... she has lapped up the stimulation and matured into a ridiculously sensible, capable and even more charming child.
She has coped with cherished grandma leaving with hardly a murmur, she understands that she had to go home on the airplane to look after papa.  She has taken ownership of her room and leads people by the hand to see her new furnishings.  People are surprised when she knows the names of all her colours - little do they know the complexity she shows behind the scenes.
The examples are numerous but one I recall today...
I have wanted a nanny - being protective under-estimating mum I anticipated a challenge leaving her for the first time with a stranger - especially one who looked different and spoke differently.
So I explained that we were going to meet some ladies who would come and play with her while mummy did some work... I simply said she should tell me if she would like to play with them.   I'm not foolish enough to assume I could make a decision like this!
She met the first one... engaged with her immediately, tested out her painting skills and then took her hand and walked with her to buy an ice cream.  She approved.
Then it was time to meet the second one the next day.  She refused to get dressed.
"I don't want to put my pants on"
Why?  I asked...
"Because I am feeling nervous"  (how does a 2 year old know what nervous means??)
"Why are you nervous?  I asked... "Is it about the lady coming"
"Yes... because I think that I just want to play with O"  (the first lady)...
Ah ....
So clearly the choice was made... she dutifully spent an hour educating the second contender on the methods of bird feeding and play dough squeezing... but her heart wasn't in it.
I think it helped that contender 1 is named after a certain favoured cartoon piggy.
And no, she is not called Peppa, thankfully, or I think I would be facing the world's youngest self-emancipation and adoption motion.

our new home

stepping into another new life

So here I am… living in Fiji again.  After well over a year of anxious anticipation, I find myself thrust suddenly into living the life I tried so hard to project into and imagine.  I find myself walking streets, driving roads, and hearing voices that are so familiar that they feel safe and comfortable.  And at the same time, despite the familiarity, everything feels totally different to the last time that I was here…I feel different. 

The last time I moved here I was lost, clutching at straws, hoping for an opportunity to find myself by taking radical action in the chaotic disintegration of my life.   This time I stood still, I thought, I weighed the possibilities… I was happy where I was and yet… I chose to step forward into a new endeavour.  While there were unknowns and fears of course, I stepped deliberately and thoughtfully forward from a place of balance and self awareness.  I stepped forward with a deep sense that I was stepping onto my life path.

Being here in Fiji this time feels, unexpectedly and yet unsurprisingly like I am finally, after a long time of being slightly out of kilter, at exactly the right place and right time in my life.  I am doing exactly the right thing… I know it in my bones. 

So yes, the job is going to be hugely challenging.  And yes, there will be times when I am terribly lonely.  And yes, there will be times when I realise what it is to truly be alone as a parent, no family, no supports, no networks, in a foreign country…  But at the same time as this, I know that this is what I need to be doing.  I want to face these challenges, and I actually trust completely that although it will be hard, I will be up to it. 

An iconic childhood moment!

It's moments like these indeed...

Tartle

On a random stroll through internet land I stumbled over a list of untranslatable words.... and I found a word that sums up one of the deep anxieties of my life.  After several years of sleep deprivation this condition has only been exacerbated.... my memory capacity is best described as mush.... and it is one of my greatest sources of nerves about my new adventure... 

At least this gave me a chuckle... damn that Scottish heritage!   

Perhaps I can start a TA (Tartle Anonymous) support group...

Tartle

Scottish – The act of hesitating while introducing someone because you’ve forgotten their name. (Altalang.com)
 (Thanks http://jlowsjunk.blogspot.com.au)

Turning 40

So last week I turned 40... in the midst of hustle and bustle and chaos... a milestone snuck on past.  I say this because I chose not to make a big fuss of it, not too much... a minimal "me" style gathering that started out as a few friends having breaky and turned into roughly 35 people taking over half a restaurant for the morning... but as I said, not too much of a fuss.  So it did sneak on past on the outside as it was subsumed in the surrounding craziness of life and toddlers and babies and moving countries and all that... On the inside I am vaguely aware, in the quieter moments, that a milestone has, and is, occurring. On the inside I think something significant is actually sifting.  Its not an epiphany... Its not a revelation or a grand event... but a subtle shift in the way I see myself and my life.  The best way I can describe it is as a coming together of themes... a settling of ideas into a comfortable place within.  Some of the things that have fitted together into the jigsaw of my "self" include the following...

My dear friend gave me a special present on my birthday.... it is a ring that spins and as it turns it reminds me of the words "what we think we become".... and as I turn 40 this sums up a profound mental shift... Its time to stop waiting for life to somehow miraculously show me who I can be... its time to just be it... and I will do this with my thoughts.  If I want to be a grown up, respected, successful, strong, capable, clear, motivated, self disciplined, confident...then it is time for me to start believing in myself and to see myself in those ways.  For too much of my life I have secretly believed that I was "play acting" being a grown up, and waited for the miracle to happen that would make me what I wanted to be.  At 40 its time to take responsibility, stop waiting and start being.

In the lead up to my 40th people kept asking me if I was having a big party... and I didn't want to.  I didn't want to drink and be silly... but I wanted something significant to mark the milestone.   After tossing the dilemma around in my head for a while I realised what I needed.  I didn't want to manufacture a way of marking the milestone, I didn't want to create an "event".... I wanted turning 40 to be marked by a way of living my life.  And so I realised - what better way to celebrate turning 40 than to live my dream?   I chose to celebrate my 40th year of life by believing in myself enough to move overseas and be the CEO of an NGO in a developing country.  This has been my dream for as long as I can remember.  This has been what my career and my life has been building up to.  So as I turn 40 I choose to believe in myself enough to have the courage to step forward into the future I have earned.   I choose to believe that I can do this, despite the voices in my head that loudly doubt I can... despite the fear that I will fail, that I will fall short of expectations, that I will prove to everyone that I am not really as good as people may think I am... despite the knowledge that it will be hard, lonely at times, scary, and challenging on so many levels... despite it all, I choose to live my 40th year achieving my life goal and living the life I have chosen.

As I turn 40 I watch the grey hairs multiplying on my head... and I choose to embrace them.  I choose to stop thinking that I am a little girl on the inside, in a grown up body.  I choose to bring my inside world to match my outside reality and realise that I am mature, capable, strong... I don't need looking after, I don't need guiding, I don't need parenting.... As I turn 40 I choose to step forth from my supports and stand alone and strong.

As I turn 40 I choose to believe that I have a right and a responsibility for my own person.  I choose to stop seeking to please others and give myself permission to set boundaries, be unapologetic about what is right for me, put my own needs and future as my priority and choose clarity over confusion.  I choose to move away from tying myself in knots to suit others and start allowing others to be responsible for their own feelings by being responsible to my own.  I choose to stop waiting for others to look after me and resenting them when they don't.  I choose to be true to myself because I am a good person - and its ok to be me!   I recognise that I am half way through my life span and I choose not to spend the later half of my life unsure of who I am and what I want because I am too focusing on everyone else.

As I turn 40 I refocus on my life goal of being Useful.  I choose to step away from a comfortable life at home because I want my life to be useful.  I want my life to have meant something in the world.  I choose to believe that in small ways I can make a difference in people's lives, and therefore in the collective state of the world, because I can make myself useful.  I choose not to prioritise the "happy passing of time" of a lifestyle of cafes, indulgences, fashion and fancy.  I choose to take the road less travelled, the harder path of being someone who does something in life.  I choose to take a step in creating a life that I will look back on with satisfaction.  I have periods of my life that are like this, sharply etched by meaningful experiences, and great grey patches in between where time just passed in a cloud of diversion.   I choose to climb the mountain trail to where the air is clear and the colours are bright.  I choose to live strongly.

So I stand at a cross roads, and I have chosen my way forward.... I know that I am walking this path...what matters now is how I walk it.  And I choose to walk it as a 40 year old.  And this makes me happy.

eBay me

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
So I've been packing up, sorting, and attempting to get rid of stuff... Some things I've given away, some I have chucked, and some I have sold.... Last week I pondered the dilemma of the junk that was too big to put in the bin. The thought of a trip to the dump was unappealing... So in a light bulb moment I hit on the idea of putting the junk on eBay for 99 cents...in the hope that someone would take it all away for me....
And lo!
Success!
Not only will some lovely people come and get my junk... But for one broken old oven, a mixer that doesn't work, and an ancient video player... these saviours are going to pay me the princely sum of $255...
Niiiiiice....

Denial

Denial is a funny old thing... It wraps you in a downie blanket of apparent comfort...but after a moment of luxuriating you realize that the doona is prickly, a little too hot, slightly suffocating....
Yet here I sit, watching daytime TV, pretending I don't have a house to pack, a life to sort, a life to leave behind...and a new life to begin.

Seven work days... Goodbye red cross

I have seven work days left... I have loved working for red cross in so many ways... Of course I bitch and moan about the management...but then... I've done that in every job I have ever had (which makes it extra terrifying to be standing on the threshold of BEing the management!). For all the boss blundering however, I still feel proud each and every day I put on my red and white lanyard and security tags....
So recently I did have a momentary rush of emotion at the thought of ending this four year journey....
And then it passed....
And I went back to being numb and stressed...
How I hope my new role lives up to all I hope it will be... And how I hope I don't discover that the nerves were in fact sensible and I am in fact woefully unprepared and unsuitable.... Breathing breathing breathing....

The countdown

And so Christmas has come and gone and so has the start of the new year... And with it my mental deadline of the countdown to going... I told myself that until New Year I still had plenty of time... And now 2012 has arrived and the countdown has started. 46 days....

a snippit of the angel's mind...

So many magical moments.... I am, like most parents, constantly amazed and amused by what the angel says, and how it shows her mind to be working.  Perhaps enhanced by the fact that the angel's verbal skills seem to be her strongest ability, she takes my breath away on a daily basis with the way she articulates quite complex, sometimes profound, sometimes hilarious concepts.  Sadly.... one of the side effects of almost three years of sleep deprivation, oh and packing up my home, moving countries, changing jobs, christmas, other babies being born, and turning 40 all at the same time (phew) is an almost total loss of short term memory.
So often I am bowled over by one of her little utterances, but don't have the presence of mind to stop and write it down and they are lost forever....
Today I have remembered one... its not one of the more stunning ones... but since my computer happened to by accessible I thought I would record it :-)

Angel :  You are big mummy.
Me : Yes, I am bigger than you (trying not to take it as a commentary on my gradual reversal of my recent weight loss) 
Angel : I'm growing bigger mummy
Me : Yes, yes you are...
Angel : Are you growing bigger too mummy?
Me : (sigh) Yes honey, unfortunately I seem to be...
Angel : Hmmm Is it fun being bigger mummy?


Its not profound... but shows a developmental ability to compare between herself and others (and to have a concept of her own seperate uniqueness) and a curiousity about the future (will it be fun when I am bigger?)...

Go little angel... set your mind aflight... and yes, I trust that it will be a lot of fun when you are bigger :-)

Another fabulous first...

Life with a little angel is full of firsts...  first smiles, first "I love you"'s, first night in a big girl bed, and many more.  This month we experienced another... Our first sit on Santa's knee.  I thought she would be nervous, I thought she might refuse, I thought she might even shed a tear.... but no, the plucky angel thought the whole thing was quite a charming adventure!
And she certainly has embraced the idea of Santa once she realised he is the source of presents under the tree!  She has a ready list of what she is expecting of Santa... and has taken to approaching his image on her hung stocking and enthusiastically encouraging him to remember what she would like and where she would like it...(bubbles and glitter pens, under the tree please!)

2 months

Two months to go until I leave for the next chapter of my life...
The time is rushing past.  I alternate between carrying on life as normal, and moments of suddenly grasping the enormity of what lies ahead... of all I leave behind and all I go to.
Its more than I can hold in my head in this moment.
I know that in the grand scheme of terminal illnesses, world wars and natural disasters, merely moving countries and take on a huge new job is not such a big thing...
But in my world right now it seems pretty big.

Growing Growing Growing... wee!

So my angel is growing growing growing... She crawled, she walked, she talked, and now she pees!
We tried toilet training several times over this year... but she wasn't ready.  She knew the theory but the practice was messy.
But this week, suddenly, she's got it!
We have had almost a week with minimal accidents...she puts her wees in the potty regularly, holds on until she can get to the potty... and now she even pees in the toilet too.
Its a big step - and a big adjustment for me.  Being a mum has integrally involved changing nappies... its an iconic time.  A little girl in big girl knickers is a whole different story!  She is really not my baby anymore... and I am sooo proud of her!

My Silver Space

So I have realised recently how profoundly I am influenced by others expectations of me.  I feel acutely the judgements of others when I don't meet their expectations.  Some people affect me more profoundly than others... and over-all the result is an overwhelming urge to flee, and the almost complete loss of a stable sense of who I am - and that its ok to be me!
I am not like other people... I do things differently to other people... I know that some things about me are sometimes frustrating, confusing or concerning to others - but I happen to, when I am outside of the influence of others judgements, like myself the way I am.
So I have visualised for myself a Silver Space... it is my space... space to be myself free of others judgements.  In my silver space I don't feel guilty, I don't feel inadequate... With love I allow others to be who they are and be different to me... and I don't need to take on any pressure to be like them or to feel bound by their expectations.
In my Silver Space I am free.

Learning to Love

 My Angel is learning to love...
When she was small, smaller than now, she loved in the moment.  She loved the people who were in front of her...the people who played with her... and when they were gone she moved on to the next person or diversion.
But recently... she is learning to love people and stay loving them.  She remembers, she misses people.  She has her favourites.  She thinks about them when they are not there.  She is excited and looks forward to seeing them.  She doesn't engage with strangers as easily - she wants "her people"...
She knows who she loves.

neglect

It seems I have been neglecting my blog...
Tis true... I admit it. 
Why?  A combination of factors...
I am busy... yep...
I have an iphone... and my mobile blogging isn't working...
My angel loves computers so I need to hide my laptop...
I became conscious that both a) people were reading my blog and it affected them... and b) not all that many people were reading my blog.
I got hooked on the postsecret app and wasted lots of time reading random strangers secrets...
I have a to-do list that is so long that I am either a) busy or b) avoiding activity by lying on the couch dozing or losing my mind in vacuous television.
I started having only a night or two a week to myself, and hoarded my down time jealously...
I had a hundred little things to say and no way to express the big things.
But I am back...
Thanks for your patience!

Donna's story

I've been reading Donna's Story.... Each day for the month of September, cancer awareness month, Donna's amazing mum is telling another chapter of the 31 month story of Donna's illness.  Its so beautifully, simply, unashamedly, honestly written and it moves me to tears. 
This story taps into my greatest fear... the anticipatory fear I had before I had my child, the fear that grips me every night before I go to sleep and every day in every precious perfect moment of childish sticky yumminess.  The fear is always there... sometimes echoing loudly around a mind absorbed by it... sometimes silently tick-tocking, keeping time in the background of life. 
I fear that I am too lucky, that my chances of actually having the perfect little girl I always wanted are so slim that really, something's gotta go wrong to take it all away.  I feel like I am constantly living on borrowed time, making the most of every day before the dream turns on a dime and becomes a nightmare.  Every day I check my daughters beautiful creamy skin for unexplained bruises.  Every day I listen to her speach for slurring.  Every day I watch her balance, her fine motor skills.  Every day I monitor her moods, her growth and learning.  Every day I wait and I fear... and I hope like hell that I will look back in 20 years and laugh that I had this fear....  Of course then I will have a thousand other fears to keep me amused.
But the up-side of this fear is that it makes me a better mum.  In the moments when I am tired, distracted, would love to have time to myself, frustrated, angry, and all the other less favourable moods that go along parenting a toddler I have in the back of my mind the reminder that I want to make sure I make the most of every moment.  I don't ever want to have the worst happen and look back and wish I had appreciated her more when I had her.  The knowledge that everything we love in life is fragile and imperminent is a continual teaching to me to be more patient, make more effort, be more attentive, less selfish, to give with all my heart and take joy in every rewarding smile. 
Thank you, Donna's mum, for helping me be a better mum and a better person.

counting down the days

So I am mere days away from my third and final round of the 12wbt.  And sheesh, I ain't looking forward to it.  Yes I want the results... I need to lose another 8-10 kg to feel really really HOT.  And I really would like to feel really really HOT in a bikini on the beach in tropical paradise.  Not sure who I will be impressing... but there is always that HOT chick in the mirror to check out.
I know these diets are supposed to be a permanent life change... not just a short term weight loss fix.  And absolutely - a lot of things have changed for me in a way that is not just a 12 week whirlwind romance relationship with change.  I have actually started to want to go to the gym and zumba and stuff without jumping at any excuse not to.  I definitely trust that it makes me feel good... and that is a big attitudinal shift.  I am also much more aware of portion sizes and daily calorie intake amounts, even if I don't always stick to it.  But as for the program being a permanent way of life... not likely.  I am afraid that I am still in the mindset of wanting to dive headfirst into a cheesecake as soon as the 12 weeks are up.  And I am still in the unfortunate mindset of "making the most of it" between rounds of the program.
Thus, I have put on 2 kg between each round of the program.  So I lost 8, put on 2, lost 5, put on 1.5... meaning I sit here 9.5 kg lighter - but having done the hard yards to lose 13kg!  Bugger!
So I am going to give it another red hot shot.  I am not really sure that I want to... not really sure where I am going to dig out the motivation... and not really sure that my love affair with chocolate that has blossomed in the last few weeks is really ready for the graveyard.
I'm giving up so much at the moment - packing up my house, giving away my things, leaving my ex-lover behind, leaving my job, leaving friends and family, leaving my routines and my parks and my cafes and my whole relatively happy little lifestyle... I seriously have to break up with my mate freddo too??
Sheesh