Donna's story

I've been reading Donna's Story.... Each day for the month of September, cancer awareness month, Donna's amazing mum is telling another chapter of the 31 month story of Donna's illness.  Its so beautifully, simply, unashamedly, honestly written and it moves me to tears. 
This story taps into my greatest fear... the anticipatory fear I had before I had my child, the fear that grips me every night before I go to sleep and every day in every precious perfect moment of childish sticky yumminess.  The fear is always there... sometimes echoing loudly around a mind absorbed by it... sometimes silently tick-tocking, keeping time in the background of life. 
I fear that I am too lucky, that my chances of actually having the perfect little girl I always wanted are so slim that really, something's gotta go wrong to take it all away.  I feel like I am constantly living on borrowed time, making the most of every day before the dream turns on a dime and becomes a nightmare.  Every day I check my daughters beautiful creamy skin for unexplained bruises.  Every day I listen to her speach for slurring.  Every day I watch her balance, her fine motor skills.  Every day I monitor her moods, her growth and learning.  Every day I wait and I fear... and I hope like hell that I will look back in 20 years and laugh that I had this fear....  Of course then I will have a thousand other fears to keep me amused.
But the up-side of this fear is that it makes me a better mum.  In the moments when I am tired, distracted, would love to have time to myself, frustrated, angry, and all the other less favourable moods that go along parenting a toddler I have in the back of my mind the reminder that I want to make sure I make the most of every moment.  I don't ever want to have the worst happen and look back and wish I had appreciated her more when I had her.  The knowledge that everything we love in life is fragile and imperminent is a continual teaching to me to be more patient, make more effort, be more attentive, less selfish, to give with all my heart and take joy in every rewarding smile. 
Thank you, Donna's mum, for helping me be a better mum and a better person.

trust in truth

So recently I accused my friend of hurting me, when actually I had hurt myself, my friend was merely an unwilling participant in the process...In response to my hurt, my friend became hurt. And eggshells were broken in attempts to avoid more hurt. And it reminds me again that at the end of the day, it is honesty and trust that matters - even when it hurts. Through honesty comes growth. Surviving pain can bring depth and strength to individuals and to friendships.

So recently I wrote this to my friend. And I wrote it to myself...

"I have learned the hard way that when we act, in life, it is impossible to avoid hurting others, and ourselves, at times. Yet the alternative, paralysing non-action, is unthinkable and unworkable. No matter how hard we try not to hurt anyone, to avoid any pain, we crush ants under our feet with each step and when we are honest with the world there will be times when our words and actions poke others in their soft tender parts. This does not mean, as tracy said, that we should ever stop being honest (when it is not intentionally malicious of course).
Every action has a consequence, sometimes many, and what matters most is how we deal with those consequences - we cannot spend life avoiding risks, we can only strengthen our capacity to survive them, and to learn from them. Often it is through pain that the greatest learning and growth comes.

The fear of pain can be much more debilitating than pain itself. Pain passes eventually, fear lasts a lifetime.

So I say live in truth, trust others to be able to handle your truth, and know that you and others have the strength within to survive and even flourish."