the lows and the highs...

So today I was tired... I was hot... The novelty of this CEO business is wearing off to reveal a lot of really hard work that I have to actually do... I'm in a foreign country without any support or help... and today the child really started to bug me... she threw tantrums in the shops, she hid from me in the supermarket, she demanded treats, she ran into people with her mini shopping cart, she grabbed things from the shelves and refused to put them back, she refused to get in her car seat, she argued about everrrrryyyyttthhhing... and yes, mummy got cranky... picture me standing in the supermarket in a country famed for deep christian values and for loving children, gripping a recalcitrant wrist and fuming "Jesus Christ Child, you are driving me mad!"  I don't think it went down well...

But then this evening as I was putting her to bed I was so tired that I lay down with her for a while... and she was deeply concerned... "Mummy, are you tired?" and started stroking my face gently... and then she threw her arms around me and nuzzled in and exclaimed "Mummy, I love you!... You are my best friend"... and went on to repeat that, interspersed with more cuddles and gentle strokes, about a dozen times... What a treat to end the day with - better than chocolate!

My little angel heading off to the swimming pool... where did my baby disappear to?
So it seems that I, once again, underestimated this incredible child.  I thought that uprooting her from all she had ever known, sticking all our stuff on a plane, unloading her in a strange house, in a strange country, sending her to a strange new school and surrounding her with unfamiliar faces and languages and lifestyles...well I thought that might just cause her some concern.
It seems I was wrong.  Not only have her legs grown, longer and browner, so too has her mind.  Rather than retreating into regression or rebellion, my angel has blossomed... she has lapped up the stimulation and matured into a ridiculously sensible, capable and even more charming child.
She has coped with cherished grandma leaving with hardly a murmur, she understands that she had to go home on the airplane to look after papa.  She has taken ownership of her room and leads people by the hand to see her new furnishings.  People are surprised when she knows the names of all her colours - little do they know the complexity she shows behind the scenes.
The examples are numerous but one I recall today...
I have wanted a nanny - being protective under-estimating mum I anticipated a challenge leaving her for the first time with a stranger - especially one who looked different and spoke differently.
So I explained that we were going to meet some ladies who would come and play with her while mummy did some work... I simply said she should tell me if she would like to play with them.   I'm not foolish enough to assume I could make a decision like this!
She met the first one... engaged with her immediately, tested out her painting skills and then took her hand and walked with her to buy an ice cream.  She approved.
Then it was time to meet the second one the next day.  She refused to get dressed.
"I don't want to put my pants on"
Why?  I asked...
"Because I am feeling nervous"  (how does a 2 year old know what nervous means??)
"Why are you nervous?  I asked... "Is it about the lady coming"
"Yes... because I think that I just want to play with O"  (the first lady)...
Ah ....
So clearly the choice was made... she dutifully spent an hour educating the second contender on the methods of bird feeding and play dough squeezing... but her heart wasn't in it.
I think it helped that contender 1 is named after a certain favoured cartoon piggy.
And no, she is not called Peppa, thankfully, or I think I would be facing the world's youngest self-emancipation and adoption motion.

our new home

stepping into another new life

So here I am… living in Fiji again.  After well over a year of anxious anticipation, I find myself thrust suddenly into living the life I tried so hard to project into and imagine.  I find myself walking streets, driving roads, and hearing voices that are so familiar that they feel safe and comfortable.  And at the same time, despite the familiarity, everything feels totally different to the last time that I was here…I feel different. 

The last time I moved here I was lost, clutching at straws, hoping for an opportunity to find myself by taking radical action in the chaotic disintegration of my life.   This time I stood still, I thought, I weighed the possibilities… I was happy where I was and yet… I chose to step forward into a new endeavour.  While there were unknowns and fears of course, I stepped deliberately and thoughtfully forward from a place of balance and self awareness.  I stepped forward with a deep sense that I was stepping onto my life path.

Being here in Fiji this time feels, unexpectedly and yet unsurprisingly like I am finally, after a long time of being slightly out of kilter, at exactly the right place and right time in my life.  I am doing exactly the right thing… I know it in my bones. 

So yes, the job is going to be hugely challenging.  And yes, there will be times when I am terribly lonely.  And yes, there will be times when I realise what it is to truly be alone as a parent, no family, no supports, no networks, in a foreign country…  But at the same time as this, I know that this is what I need to be doing.  I want to face these challenges, and I actually trust completely that although it will be hard, I will be up to it. 

An iconic childhood moment!

It's moments like these indeed...

Tartle

On a random stroll through internet land I stumbled over a list of untranslatable words.... and I found a word that sums up one of the deep anxieties of my life.  After several years of sleep deprivation this condition has only been exacerbated.... my memory capacity is best described as mush.... and it is one of my greatest sources of nerves about my new adventure... 

At least this gave me a chuckle... damn that Scottish heritage!   

Perhaps I can start a TA (Tartle Anonymous) support group...

Tartle

Scottish – The act of hesitating while introducing someone because you’ve forgotten their name. (Altalang.com)
 (Thanks http://jlowsjunk.blogspot.com.au)

Turning 40

So last week I turned 40... in the midst of hustle and bustle and chaos... a milestone snuck on past.  I say this because I chose not to make a big fuss of it, not too much... a minimal "me" style gathering that started out as a few friends having breaky and turned into roughly 35 people taking over half a restaurant for the morning... but as I said, not too much of a fuss.  So it did sneak on past on the outside as it was subsumed in the surrounding craziness of life and toddlers and babies and moving countries and all that... On the inside I am vaguely aware, in the quieter moments, that a milestone has, and is, occurring. On the inside I think something significant is actually sifting.  Its not an epiphany... Its not a revelation or a grand event... but a subtle shift in the way I see myself and my life.  The best way I can describe it is as a coming together of themes... a settling of ideas into a comfortable place within.  Some of the things that have fitted together into the jigsaw of my "self" include the following...

My dear friend gave me a special present on my birthday.... it is a ring that spins and as it turns it reminds me of the words "what we think we become".... and as I turn 40 this sums up a profound mental shift... Its time to stop waiting for life to somehow miraculously show me who I can be... its time to just be it... and I will do this with my thoughts.  If I want to be a grown up, respected, successful, strong, capable, clear, motivated, self disciplined, confident...then it is time for me to start believing in myself and to see myself in those ways.  For too much of my life I have secretly believed that I was "play acting" being a grown up, and waited for the miracle to happen that would make me what I wanted to be.  At 40 its time to take responsibility, stop waiting and start being.

In the lead up to my 40th people kept asking me if I was having a big party... and I didn't want to.  I didn't want to drink and be silly... but I wanted something significant to mark the milestone.   After tossing the dilemma around in my head for a while I realised what I needed.  I didn't want to manufacture a way of marking the milestone, I didn't want to create an "event".... I wanted turning 40 to be marked by a way of living my life.  And so I realised - what better way to celebrate turning 40 than to live my dream?   I chose to celebrate my 40th year of life by believing in myself enough to move overseas and be the CEO of an NGO in a developing country.  This has been my dream for as long as I can remember.  This has been what my career and my life has been building up to.  So as I turn 40 I choose to believe in myself enough to have the courage to step forward into the future I have earned.   I choose to believe that I can do this, despite the voices in my head that loudly doubt I can... despite the fear that I will fail, that I will fall short of expectations, that I will prove to everyone that I am not really as good as people may think I am... despite the knowledge that it will be hard, lonely at times, scary, and challenging on so many levels... despite it all, I choose to live my 40th year achieving my life goal and living the life I have chosen.

As I turn 40 I watch the grey hairs multiplying on my head... and I choose to embrace them.  I choose to stop thinking that I am a little girl on the inside, in a grown up body.  I choose to bring my inside world to match my outside reality and realise that I am mature, capable, strong... I don't need looking after, I don't need guiding, I don't need parenting.... As I turn 40 I choose to step forth from my supports and stand alone and strong.

As I turn 40 I choose to believe that I have a right and a responsibility for my own person.  I choose to stop seeking to please others and give myself permission to set boundaries, be unapologetic about what is right for me, put my own needs and future as my priority and choose clarity over confusion.  I choose to move away from tying myself in knots to suit others and start allowing others to be responsible for their own feelings by being responsible to my own.  I choose to stop waiting for others to look after me and resenting them when they don't.  I choose to be true to myself because I am a good person - and its ok to be me!   I recognise that I am half way through my life span and I choose not to spend the later half of my life unsure of who I am and what I want because I am too focusing on everyone else.

As I turn 40 I refocus on my life goal of being Useful.  I choose to step away from a comfortable life at home because I want my life to be useful.  I want my life to have meant something in the world.  I choose to believe that in small ways I can make a difference in people's lives, and therefore in the collective state of the world, because I can make myself useful.  I choose not to prioritise the "happy passing of time" of a lifestyle of cafes, indulgences, fashion and fancy.  I choose to take the road less travelled, the harder path of being someone who does something in life.  I choose to take a step in creating a life that I will look back on with satisfaction.  I have periods of my life that are like this, sharply etched by meaningful experiences, and great grey patches in between where time just passed in a cloud of diversion.   I choose to climb the mountain trail to where the air is clear and the colours are bright.  I choose to live strongly.

So I stand at a cross roads, and I have chosen my way forward.... I know that I am walking this path...what matters now is how I walk it.  And I choose to walk it as a 40 year old.  And this makes me happy.

eBay me

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
So I've been packing up, sorting, and attempting to get rid of stuff... Some things I've given away, some I have chucked, and some I have sold.... Last week I pondered the dilemma of the junk that was too big to put in the bin. The thought of a trip to the dump was unappealing... So in a light bulb moment I hit on the idea of putting the junk on eBay for 99 cents...in the hope that someone would take it all away for me....
And lo!
Success!
Not only will some lovely people come and get my junk... But for one broken old oven, a mixer that doesn't work, and an ancient video player... these saviours are going to pay me the princely sum of $255...
Niiiiiice....

Denial

Denial is a funny old thing... It wraps you in a downie blanket of apparent comfort...but after a moment of luxuriating you realize that the doona is prickly, a little too hot, slightly suffocating....
Yet here I sit, watching daytime TV, pretending I don't have a house to pack, a life to sort, a life to leave behind...and a new life to begin.

Seven work days... Goodbye red cross

I have seven work days left... I have loved working for red cross in so many ways... Of course I bitch and moan about the management...but then... I've done that in every job I have ever had (which makes it extra terrifying to be standing on the threshold of BEing the management!). For all the boss blundering however, I still feel proud each and every day I put on my red and white lanyard and security tags....
So recently I did have a momentary rush of emotion at the thought of ending this four year journey....
And then it passed....
And I went back to being numb and stressed...
How I hope my new role lives up to all I hope it will be... And how I hope I don't discover that the nerves were in fact sensible and I am in fact woefully unprepared and unsuitable.... Breathing breathing breathing....

The countdown

And so Christmas has come and gone and so has the start of the new year... And with it my mental deadline of the countdown to going... I told myself that until New Year I still had plenty of time... And now 2012 has arrived and the countdown has started. 46 days....

a snippit of the angel's mind...

So many magical moments.... I am, like most parents, constantly amazed and amused by what the angel says, and how it shows her mind to be working.  Perhaps enhanced by the fact that the angel's verbal skills seem to be her strongest ability, she takes my breath away on a daily basis with the way she articulates quite complex, sometimes profound, sometimes hilarious concepts.  Sadly.... one of the side effects of almost three years of sleep deprivation, oh and packing up my home, moving countries, changing jobs, christmas, other babies being born, and turning 40 all at the same time (phew) is an almost total loss of short term memory.
So often I am bowled over by one of her little utterances, but don't have the presence of mind to stop and write it down and they are lost forever....
Today I have remembered one... its not one of the more stunning ones... but since my computer happened to by accessible I thought I would record it :-)

Angel :  You are big mummy.
Me : Yes, I am bigger than you (trying not to take it as a commentary on my gradual reversal of my recent weight loss) 
Angel : I'm growing bigger mummy
Me : Yes, yes you are...
Angel : Are you growing bigger too mummy?
Me : (sigh) Yes honey, unfortunately I seem to be...
Angel : Hmmm Is it fun being bigger mummy?


Its not profound... but shows a developmental ability to compare between herself and others (and to have a concept of her own seperate uniqueness) and a curiousity about the future (will it be fun when I am bigger?)...

Go little angel... set your mind aflight... and yes, I trust that it will be a lot of fun when you are bigger :-)

Another fabulous first...

Life with a little angel is full of firsts...  first smiles, first "I love you"'s, first night in a big girl bed, and many more.  This month we experienced another... Our first sit on Santa's knee.  I thought she would be nervous, I thought she might refuse, I thought she might even shed a tear.... but no, the plucky angel thought the whole thing was quite a charming adventure!
And she certainly has embraced the idea of Santa once she realised he is the source of presents under the tree!  She has a ready list of what she is expecting of Santa... and has taken to approaching his image on her hung stocking and enthusiastically encouraging him to remember what she would like and where she would like it...(bubbles and glitter pens, under the tree please!)

2 months

Two months to go until I leave for the next chapter of my life...
The time is rushing past.  I alternate between carrying on life as normal, and moments of suddenly grasping the enormity of what lies ahead... of all I leave behind and all I go to.
Its more than I can hold in my head in this moment.
I know that in the grand scheme of terminal illnesses, world wars and natural disasters, merely moving countries and take on a huge new job is not such a big thing...
But in my world right now it seems pretty big.

Growing Growing Growing... wee!

So my angel is growing growing growing... She crawled, she walked, she talked, and now she pees!
We tried toilet training several times over this year... but she wasn't ready.  She knew the theory but the practice was messy.
But this week, suddenly, she's got it!
We have had almost a week with minimal accidents...she puts her wees in the potty regularly, holds on until she can get to the potty... and now she even pees in the toilet too.
Its a big step - and a big adjustment for me.  Being a mum has integrally involved changing nappies... its an iconic time.  A little girl in big girl knickers is a whole different story!  She is really not my baby anymore... and I am sooo proud of her!

My Silver Space

So I have realised recently how profoundly I am influenced by others expectations of me.  I feel acutely the judgements of others when I don't meet their expectations.  Some people affect me more profoundly than others... and over-all the result is an overwhelming urge to flee, and the almost complete loss of a stable sense of who I am - and that its ok to be me!
I am not like other people... I do things differently to other people... I know that some things about me are sometimes frustrating, confusing or concerning to others - but I happen to, when I am outside of the influence of others judgements, like myself the way I am.
So I have visualised for myself a Silver Space... it is my space... space to be myself free of others judgements.  In my silver space I don't feel guilty, I don't feel inadequate... With love I allow others to be who they are and be different to me... and I don't need to take on any pressure to be like them or to feel bound by their expectations.
In my Silver Space I am free.

Learning to Love

 My Angel is learning to love...
When she was small, smaller than now, she loved in the moment.  She loved the people who were in front of her...the people who played with her... and when they were gone she moved on to the next person or diversion.
But recently... she is learning to love people and stay loving them.  She remembers, she misses people.  She has her favourites.  She thinks about them when they are not there.  She is excited and looks forward to seeing them.  She doesn't engage with strangers as easily - she wants "her people"...
She knows who she loves.

neglect

It seems I have been neglecting my blog...
Tis true... I admit it. 
Why?  A combination of factors...
I am busy... yep...
I have an iphone... and my mobile blogging isn't working...
My angel loves computers so I need to hide my laptop...
I became conscious that both a) people were reading my blog and it affected them... and b) not all that many people were reading my blog.
I got hooked on the postsecret app and wasted lots of time reading random strangers secrets...
I have a to-do list that is so long that I am either a) busy or b) avoiding activity by lying on the couch dozing or losing my mind in vacuous television.
I started having only a night or two a week to myself, and hoarded my down time jealously...
I had a hundred little things to say and no way to express the big things.
But I am back...
Thanks for your patience!

Donna's story

I've been reading Donna's Story.... Each day for the month of September, cancer awareness month, Donna's amazing mum is telling another chapter of the 31 month story of Donna's illness.  Its so beautifully, simply, unashamedly, honestly written and it moves me to tears. 
This story taps into my greatest fear... the anticipatory fear I had before I had my child, the fear that grips me every night before I go to sleep and every day in every precious perfect moment of childish sticky yumminess.  The fear is always there... sometimes echoing loudly around a mind absorbed by it... sometimes silently tick-tocking, keeping time in the background of life. 
I fear that I am too lucky, that my chances of actually having the perfect little girl I always wanted are so slim that really, something's gotta go wrong to take it all away.  I feel like I am constantly living on borrowed time, making the most of every day before the dream turns on a dime and becomes a nightmare.  Every day I check my daughters beautiful creamy skin for unexplained bruises.  Every day I listen to her speach for slurring.  Every day I watch her balance, her fine motor skills.  Every day I monitor her moods, her growth and learning.  Every day I wait and I fear... and I hope like hell that I will look back in 20 years and laugh that I had this fear....  Of course then I will have a thousand other fears to keep me amused.
But the up-side of this fear is that it makes me a better mum.  In the moments when I am tired, distracted, would love to have time to myself, frustrated, angry, and all the other less favourable moods that go along parenting a toddler I have in the back of my mind the reminder that I want to make sure I make the most of every moment.  I don't ever want to have the worst happen and look back and wish I had appreciated her more when I had her.  The knowledge that everything we love in life is fragile and imperminent is a continual teaching to me to be more patient, make more effort, be more attentive, less selfish, to give with all my heart and take joy in every rewarding smile. 
Thank you, Donna's mum, for helping me be a better mum and a better person.

counting down the days

So I am mere days away from my third and final round of the 12wbt.  And sheesh, I ain't looking forward to it.  Yes I want the results... I need to lose another 8-10 kg to feel really really HOT.  And I really would like to feel really really HOT in a bikini on the beach in tropical paradise.  Not sure who I will be impressing... but there is always that HOT chick in the mirror to check out.
I know these diets are supposed to be a permanent life change... not just a short term weight loss fix.  And absolutely - a lot of things have changed for me in a way that is not just a 12 week whirlwind romance relationship with change.  I have actually started to want to go to the gym and zumba and stuff without jumping at any excuse not to.  I definitely trust that it makes me feel good... and that is a big attitudinal shift.  I am also much more aware of portion sizes and daily calorie intake amounts, even if I don't always stick to it.  But as for the program being a permanent way of life... not likely.  I am afraid that I am still in the mindset of wanting to dive headfirst into a cheesecake as soon as the 12 weeks are up.  And I am still in the unfortunate mindset of "making the most of it" between rounds of the program.
Thus, I have put on 2 kg between each round of the program.  So I lost 8, put on 2, lost 5, put on 1.5... meaning I sit here 9.5 kg lighter - but having done the hard yards to lose 13kg!  Bugger!
So I am going to give it another red hot shot.  I am not really sure that I want to... not really sure where I am going to dig out the motivation... and not really sure that my love affair with chocolate that has blossomed in the last few weeks is really ready for the graveyard.
I'm giving up so much at the moment - packing up my house, giving away my things, leaving my ex-lover behind, leaving my job, leaving friends and family, leaving my routines and my parks and my cafes and my whole relatively happy little lifestyle... I seriously have to break up with my mate freddo too??
Sheesh