Indigo Wednesday (29th)

Saying good bye to stella... no longer will her little wet nose sneak into little toes...

bye stella...

So finally the time came to farewell a dear friend... it was a really agonising decision to make and the process has been drawn out over many many months...
My dear puppy, the irrepressible Ms Stella, has moved to Sydney to live with her other mother...
She will be sadly missed...but I know that it is the right decision for all of us at the moment. I will miss her little nose on the bed in the morning, signing deeply into my face and bouncing the edge of the bed..."Mummy, is it time to get up yet??" I will miss her head resting in my lap at the table for a scratch. I will miss her soft brown eyes gazing at me in concern if I seemed upset. I will miss her exuberant excitement when I came home, as she bounded in circles around me and ran up and down the stairs three times in glee. I will miss her lying on my feet just to be as close as she could be to me...
Its the end of a 7 year love affair... She has been my side kick, my shadow, my companion, my comfort on so many lonely nights and fun days...
I pass her on to Marina knowing that there she will also be loved and cherished...and by someone who is not juggling a baby at the same time.
See you again my dear puppy... your unconditional unwavering love has been cherished, and you will always be in my heart...

my eyes are green

Today I am a wee bit humbled...
Today I realise that sometimes the world looks very much one way to me... in my mind the sky is green...and I ponder and I plot and I built an inner world around my belief that the way that I see the sky is the only "right" way to see the sky... and I build my emotional castles on the foundation that the sky is green....
and then one day...I realise... perhaps the sky is blue? It might have been a flash of insight, it might have been a wise word from another... but I realise that my eyes have been green, not necessarily the sky.
So I am humbled. I am reminded that there are colours that are in the world, and colours that are in your own eyes, and sometimes it is very hard to tell the difference. Or perhaps there are no colours in the world at all, and everything is all about how I see it in the moment.
So I remind myself to be humble, to remember that my way is rarely the only way, and only sometimes the best way...
Its a relief to let go.

I hope I pray... 29/7

If I try really really hard I just know I will find a way to get both hands in my mouth at once!

Indigo Tuesday (28th)

My little angel has decided she is going to be a supermodel when she grows up... we are sure that short will be the new black by then!...
And she is practising her best supermodel tantrum..."where are my glasses, these paparazzi are killing me!"

Indigo Sunday 26th

We love just chillin' on the change table... its our favourite place for a chat!

ready for love

’never a lip is curved with pain
that can't be kissed into smile again.’
-brete harte







Thanks to le love





I am ready for love. Love has given me a bit of a rough ride for the last few years. I have loved but they have been loves that have been liberally mixed with pain. They have been relationships which have taught me much about myself, and been strong growth experiences...but as is so often the case with "growth experiences" they are not necessarily happy ones. It commonly seems that it is through pain that we learn the most. Buddhism teaches us that it is our enemies who are our best friends, as it is the people we find most difficult who have the best potential to teach us to be better people ourselves. In this way I think that over the last few years I must definitely have been on a steep self improvement curve! I have learned that the judgement or criticism of another does not define who I am, only I do that. I have learned that shaping myself to meet another person's needs does not secure their love and respect. I have learned that being endlessly forgiving does not lead to sustainable harmony. I have learned that it is impossible to fundamentally change another person's way of being and behaving, no matter how patiently I try to teach them different ways of relating. I have learned that it is only through respecting myself that I will gain the respect of another.
I promise this to myself : One day I will stand up in front of the person I love at the time and I will say "I'm sorry, but that is simply not good enough for me. I deserve better and I will not be with you under these circumstances" and if it doesn't change - I will honour myself enough to walk away.
I am ready for love, for a love which not only accepts me as I am - but which celebrates me as I am. I am ready for a love in which I feel wonderful, in which I feel that I am seen as wonderful. I am ready for a love which will fight for me, rather than just tolerate me. I am ready for a love which will highlight my strengths and compliment my weaknesses. I am ready for a love which strives to understand me fully. I am ready for a love that will accept my generosity and revel in it. I am ready for a love which finds me interesting, fun, and funny. I am ready for a lover who really enjoys my company, and who really wants to be with me, no matter what, no excuses, no "buts", no obstacles to overcome, no persuasiveness required.
I am ready to be loved.

Once upon a time, in the last few years, I wrote these words to a lover. They didn't come true then, but I am patient, and I am ready for them to come true in the future :

I know exactly what I want. I want to feel loved, unconditionally, unequivocally, from the tip of my nose to the tip of my toes... to the moon and back. And I want to love someone with all my heart, for all of their strengths and their vulnerabilities, without doubt, without fear, without complication and "what ifs" and "maybe". And I will happily compromise pretty much anything else to feel this way. So if you can love me - wholly and completely, irrationally, forsaking all else for love, for all my imperfections that make me perfect, with all that you have in your heart.... If you can find it in you to be that person who just loves me... well, then I can love you madly and totally, loyally and deeply, to joyfully stand by your side in life despite all and through all.
At the end of the day its really quite simple actually.

Indigo Blessing (Sat 25th)

We were so fortunate to be able to introduce Indigo to wonderful Geshe Tashi Tsering. It was with Geshe-la wise help that we navigated the complications of the pregnancy... and it was joyful today to be able to have a special blessing from Geshe-la while he is in Australia.
Indi was quite the little ms popular with the Geshe's and monks and nuns, and her little face shone with joy as she was cooed and clucked over by an aray of maroon robed smiling faces :-) She then sat peacefully through 2.5 hours of teachings and meditations, joining in and singing happily along with the prayers...
And the news is good - no particular obstacles on the horizon for this much loved little one :-)

confessions

I am an aquarian. My sign is very fond of change...we stagnate if things stay the same for too long. But I realise that I am not a fan of ALL change... I like to think of myself as a flexible go with the flow kinda girl - but I realise that I am actually very fond of being in control. When change is imposed on me from outside, and I can do nothing about it, then I find it really challenging... it bugs me...

Indigo Friday 24th

My angel has discovered the joy of conversation and certainly seems to take after me... she gabbles and googles and squeals and babbles for hours! This morning we sat in bed together for a gorgeous hour or so, just having a good chin wag. :-)
She is pretty wise for a baby :-)

today I close a door

today I close a door that has stood ajar for too long
today I wipe a spill that has tripped my step too often
today I shine light upon a shadow
today a cleansing shower cools my skin
today I stretch limbs stiffened by paralysis
today I see the old sun bring forth a new morning
today I come blinking into the sunlight
today I look behind me and turn away from the past
today I look ahead and see ways where there was mist
today I replace old thoughts with new ideas
today I close a door that has stood ajar for too long

sneaky extra

she falls asleep on my lap more deeply than anywhere else...when I move her gently she knows...she stirs and complains.
Tonight however I try an experiment and I move her onto the bed with my teddy bear... so far so good!
I will let her sleep until she is ready to feed more...

Indigo Wednesday (22nd)

She wakes and calls for me... and I am there. She feeds from my breast, and softly she dozes off. Without waking her mouth opens and finds me and she drinks, knowing, trusting that I am there. She slips again into sleep, secure, loved, held.

Surely this is the quintessential love.

acting out a picture of being happy

Today a friend articulated for me a thought that I have never really been able to put into words before. She said to me that I needed to put my energy into finding for myself some moments of pure joy, not where I like the picture of myself doing something, but where I am actually absorbed in being happy doing what I are doing in the moment...

And I know exactly what she is talking about... too often I do things not because I am drawn to how they actually make me feel, but because I like the idea of me doing them...

Perhaps the moments of actual happiness are hard to find because they cannot be constructed from the outside, they can only be experienced from within and then replicated.

So I will take time over the next weeks to notice the moments when I am simply happy - not acting out an idea of happiness.

Indigo Tuesday (21st)

Peaceful morning moments... Our daily routine is that the first feed of the day is in bed with mummy... then she dozes off in my lap and its one of my very favourite times of the day. The soft winter sun through the window washes over her as the day brightens. She is so peaceful and the world is quiet and beautifully gentle.

double death

Katie Greenwood found out the pidjin word for death- "dae" is the same as the pidjin word for love - only multiplied by 2- "daedae"..and is frankly, unsurprised.

So I happened across this on my facebook updates...and it really struck me. Today I am thinking about the death of love. Today I am thinking about the power of love, a power akin to the power of death. Today I am thinking about the death of the past.

When love dies it feels like a death. There is grief for the loss of the loved one in your life, there is grief for the loss of the dream of the future, there is grief for the loss of all the things associated with the loved one - those things that actually existed and those which had the potential to exist.

to love is to die die

indigo monday (20st)

We LOVE bathtime!

sunshine

Every so often something comes along that knocks me, that makes me sad... and for a time it seems like a cloud has passed over the sun and my world is consumed by the shadow of a perceived misfortune...

Sometimes I think for a time that I cannot control this - after-all, who can move clouds by sheer will alone? However I realise that evaporating the clouds which obscure my sunshine is not the only way to smile again. I hold the memories of the sunshine moments, and I can recreate them.

I can remind myself of all the beauty that surrounds me, although I may not be able to clearly see it in that moment.... I know it is still there, and by remembering I bring it back into my vision, seeing it in my mind and the clouds no longer have the power to obscure its presence in my life.

I am surrounded by beauty...
I have the most wonderful child who laughs happily most of the day...and who looks at me with a look so full of love, so adoring, so beautifully innocently full of joy to see me...it is like nothing I have ever experienced before.

I have wonderful parents who are so unwaveringly there for me and for my child. They care for me, share with me, give to me and try so hard to add to my happiness in any way that they can. I am so fortunate!

I have many dear dear friends who fill my days with their well wishes, who remind me every day that I am loved, that I am important to them, that I am never alone while they are around.

I have a gorgeous home where flowers bloom and green trees shade me, beautiful rooms accommodate me spaciously, and everything works to make my life work smoothly.

I have the time and resources to live comfortably and to be able to be generous to others. I can reach out my hand to a friend in need, I can invite a friend who is ill to stay with me, I can invite a friend who needs support to move in with me, I can call, I can text, I can cook for people and I can give thoughtful gifts to those I care about to let them know that they are loved by me.

I have my health and my strength which allow me to make the most of every moment, to run and to play, to build and to rest when the day is done.

I have my intelligence which allows me to reach my goals, to understand myself and my world, to enjoy the sunshine of my days, and to grow and mature and learn.

My world is full of beauty - and I choose to see it.

Indigo Sunday (19th)

And "daddy" came to visit...

Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal.
Arthur Schopenhauer

Indigo Saturday (18th)

My angel is ever increasing her sense of wonder at the world, as her perspective increases and her understanding grows...

Indigo Friday (17th)

My puffy pink princess is chasing lions! (and frogs and giraffes)... what fun!

Indigo Thursday (16th)

If only feeding her was easier... its such an archetypal moment :-)

Indigo Wednesday (15th)

In the silence and dark of the night... I feed her and she falls back to sleep in my arms while still drinking... quiet, intimate, and totally trusting... my heart swells with the simple truth of the moment.

truth and no more mrs nice.

So today I have been thinking about truth and friendship. Recently I discovered that my friend has been concealing a truth from me. I understand that she did it out of a wish to protect me from being hurt by the truth, however the result is that I am much more hurt by the deception than by the truth itself. I am much more hurt by feeling disrespected, and by the loss of trust that it brings.
And I reflect on the fact that we humans do this commonly. We hide things from each other every day. We don't tell the people who are dear to us a whole range of small to big things from"that skirt makes you look fat" to "I don't love you anymore". We tell ourselves we are doing it for the other person's good, to cushion them from ugly reality, to protect our relationship with them, to avoid hurtful consequences. In reality I think that rarely is avoiding speaking the truth a selfless act. Most often, I think, it is a way of protecting ourselves from facing the challenge of being real, being honest, being nakedly our true selves. Mostly I think that, as kind people, it is painful to risk hurting others, so we protect ourselves from the anxiety by pushing truth under the nearest rug. We tell ourselves that the other person would not want to know... when really, that choice is not ours to make.

I think that real courage lies in giving people honest information and respecting that they are capable enough, strong enough, mature enough to deal with reality. I think that real trust is in trusting that other people can know you and your truth and still accept you. I think that real friendship is based on having the guts to be real with your friends. Even if it means taking the risk that they will be momentarily upset. In hiding behind telling ourselves that we are protecting other people - we are actually protecting ourselves from the work of being real.

Its not easy I know... And for me this is tied up in being "nice"... at the same time as I reflect on truth and trust, I know that the thing that most stands in the way of me being totally honest with others is usually my own compulsive niceness. My compulsion for protecting others takes the form of protecting others from my own feelings. I put the potential hurt of others before my own hurt, suck mine away inside and don't show it, so that I can care for others feelings first, not be demanding, be tolerant and understanding at all times... and it sounds all so altruistic...but in reality the other level of it is that I fear that others will reject me if I am not nice, if I show my hurt or anger or expectations or other not-nice emotion. I don't trust that others will always accept me unless I make it really easy for them...So I protect myself by protecting others by being NICE.

And I realise that NICE does not do me any favours in the long run. I have not risked the relationship, but nor have I allowed myself to be fully present in it. And nor have I honoured my own needs within in...so the relationship loses its integrity and ends up dotted with hidden landmines of unexpressed resentment. And I end up feeling like a doormat. The perils of niceness are that we don't risk the relationship in the short term, but we risk not being respected, and ultimately being badly mistreated. I find it is often true that squeaky wheels do get more attention, and the nice one staying quiet and being understanding gets pushed aside while the one who is stomping their foot and say "Hey! Thats not good enough!" gets attended to. And ultimately - who would you choose to go shopping with - the friend who always says you look good (even when you kinda know you don't) or the one who honestly tells you that the skirt doesn't suit you? Having the courage to be real is painful in the short term but the rewards are in longer term respect and quality of relationship. Sure, some friendships might not survive, but they were relationships with a mask of you - not the real you...

I realise, once again, that it is time to remind myself to take risks on moving past my habitual mask of niceness and to be more real. Just as I expect others to respect me enough to be able to hear their truths, I need to trust others enough to expect that they will accept the rich tapestry of me.

Indigo Tuesday 14th

As she grows she loves socialising... sitting up and having a chat! Ah, she takes after her mumma :-)

Indigo Monday (13th)

She may be an only child of an only child, but the family love that surrounds her is rich and full... now we need only prevent her from being too spoilt when she is older!

Indigo Sunday (12th)

My angel has discovered the idea of sticking her entire hand in her mouth... she has not, however, discovered the co-ordination required to turn her hand around and keeps trying to get it in from the back of her thumb first! Its very frustrating and frequently leads to tears...poor sweetie. Every so often she manages to get a finger or two in and its pure joy for a moment!

bizarre phone connections...

This morning as I sipped my latte in a local cafe with a friend, gurgling smiling baby on my knee...(ah just as I always imagine it would be!) a quite bizarre text conversation interrupted my chatting... It went something like this...

(Beep) Text from an unknown number :
"Heard you have a bub. Congrats. When you are settled at home let me know and I will come visit. I am taking leave in a couple of weeks, maybe I can bring you lunch one day"

My response :
"Hi :-) Sorry but I don't have your number in my phone... That's a lovely thought, thank you...but who are you?

(Beep)
Alana

(Beep)
You dope

(Beep)
Wrong person I think

My response :
Well I am confused as hell! I did just have a baby... I am rhianon...Really can't place who you are though...who were you thinking I was?

(Beep) "Sorry that is completely bizarre. I am pretty sure I don't know you. But that is weird, I was trying to contact my friend Nat who has just had a baby"

My response :
No worries! Good luck with finding Nat and feel free to bring me lunch too! :-)

Now what are the odds of that!!

Thursday 9th

Elephants are my favourite... (My mummy says so!)

Wednesday 8th

So my little angel is three months old today!
I didn't get a photo yesterday but here are two today to make up for it... My little girl is looking so grown up!
And just in case anyone thinks she smiles all the time... she does have her moments of utter distress, and she has just learned to tantrum! Its gorgeous, she kicks her little legs and yells and yells until she chokes herself!
Here is her "I don't want to get out of the bath" moment...

a photo a day...Monday 6th

So I was thinking that I might try and post a photo of Indigo every day for a month. I am so enjoying watching her change and develop and become more and more of a little person, her own little person... so a picture a day might give some sense of how fast she is changing and growing!
So to celebrate - here are three photos from today.
In a couple of days she will be three months old... very exciting! And a little daunting to realise how quickly time goes past... she will be all grown up before I know it!
I often wish I could go forward in time, just for while, and then come back. I would love to be able to go forward and see what she will be like as a toddler, as a child who talks and has a rich personality... and then come back to enjoy this baby time. Ah well... one step at a time! :-)

baby shark :-)

So I am a girl who believes in not getting sucked into the world of working just for money, who knows being rich doesn't in itself make one happy, who believes that one should work for the good of people and the world, not for ones own indulgences, who tries to rise above superficial consumerism... thats when it comes to work life of course...
when it comes to spending on having a fun diverse comfortable jet setting life ...well, its a bit of another story!
So... if I am to continue to be a poorly paid humanitarian, I must train the child to earn the bucks it seems. Is it too soon to teach her to be a poker shark, do you think? Thanks mel!

no sex pots around here...

So it seems that I am not sexy :-(
This week I read one of those horoscope specials in a magazine in the airport newsagency. Browsing and reading without paying ($8.20 for a magazine???) I read that aquarians are not usually sex objects - rather they give off an air of detached friendliness...Hmmm
It got me thinking...and I had to agree. I don't think I am sexy! I think perhaps once a upon a time, long long ago...in my early 20's I had a sexy stage. But now - I did a bit of a survey of friends and it was confirmed. I am "nice". Gads. Nice. shit.
And I would kind of like to be able to work out how to get myself into some kind of relationship in the future...I'd like find a slightly older bed partner than the one who occasionally finds her way in to my doona at the moment... And how am I to do this if I am not sexy??? By stunning people with my niceness? Bah.
How does one be more sexy? without being tacky I mean... No point in thinking plunging necklines - that is more likely to frighten than attract at the moment. No I think sexy has to be more of an attitude, an air, a poise....
Hmmm
i think i am screwed... way too nice...

ch-ch-ch-changes...

So my little girl is growing up!
Already that little wee fragile newborn has become a strong active happily little girl. She has passed the milestone of first smiles with flying colours and gummy joy... she now will poke her tongue out at you if you do it first...(manners come much later!) and occasionally she will wave too!
And now my little one has discovered standing up... not one to be a wallflower, she seems to think that sitting is highly over-rated when she could be dancing!

“ Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath."

Michael Caine

My Dad

My dad is such a source of learning for me...
He can frustrate me so intensely that I become a person I don't want to be, and behave in ways that I don't want to behave... I can get angry, snappy, ungrateful, cold, ungenerous...
Yet at the same time he can move me in ways that prompt me to be more patient, more understanding, less self focused, more humbled and incredibly grateful.
My dad knows just how to infuriate me, he can be mind-numbingly stubborn and our fights can go on for hours and get nowhere... yet he also quietly and unassumingly does a hundred little (and big) things to show his love. These hundred little things can get swept away in a bitter wave of frustration with the more annoying of his little habits...but when I step back to see the big picture - the little habits pale into insignificance in the brightness of his good heart.
My mum is an angel of generosity, working tirelessly to look after me, my baby, and my dad. She is funny and charming and almost endlessly patient. And while she drives me mad sometimes... its easy to admire my mum, to hug her and thank her for being so wonderful... Yet one of her fantastic traits is also that she is able, a lot of the time, to look beyond dad's behavioural eccentricities to see the warm and vulnerable heart beneath.
Sometimes I forget to look beyond. Sometimes I react and treat him as though the surface annoyances are all there are. Sometimes I don't show him that I remember the good stuff too...
So I want to remind myself to take the time to remember all the good bits, and to let the incredibly generosity of my dad's heart balance the times when he seems small minded in his actions... to remember the countless times that his advice has been invaluable in the moments when I find his opinions so disagreeable... to recall the thousand incredibly wonderful things he has done for me in the times when he does things that drive me mad.
My dad has given up his home for weeks and weeks to come and live with me and support me with my baby... this has given me the courage to know that can cope with being a mum.
My dad brings me cups of tea in bed in the mornings and asks how my night was and how the baby is today... this makes me know that no matter how hard it has been - I am not alone.
My dad spent hours, without his proper tools, building me a table for the baby bath so that he could surprise me with it on my birthday. He then went on to build everything else I needed, to put in hooks where I wanted them, to work every day to make the things I think I need.
My dad gives me large amounts of his hard earned money...striving to make sure that his impulsive head strong and often impractical daughter will always be safe and secure.
My dad knew that despite my best intentions I was unlikely to be able to find the time and energy to build the veggie garden I wanted - so he did it for me, digging for hours in the mucky compost, pulling out weeds, building garden beds... even though he didn't think I would find the time and energy to look after it and he would probably have to do that too.
My dad nursed my sick herbs back to life and every time I bring home new ones, I turn my back and he pots them with care before I have time to notice...
My dad sits and plays with my baby daughter for hours so that I can shower, dress, do other things... even when he would like to do other things... my dad smiles his private soft smile for her, and shows his private soft side to make her giggle, and calms her when she is distressed.
My dad sits quietly out of the way when I talk away to everyone else... not interrupting... giving space...
My dad rubs my neck when I ask him, or cracks my back when it is sore
My dad is attentive and notices that I need a drink when I am breast feeding, so he brings me one when I have forgotten
My dad nags me about my health and my diet and whether I have exercised today... not because he wants to make me feel bad (which is sometimes how I react) but because he cares
My dad knows a lot of stuff about how to do stuff, having spent a life time working it out for himself. He loves offering advice and help, but he also gets hurt when people get annoyed at him for it... so often he stays quiet for fear of offending people without meaning to. He would love to be respected for his knowledge but he has learned not to push it - except with his family who will love him anyway.
My dad desperately wants to make the right choices so he spends weeks obsessing about doing the right thing eg choosing paint colours for the house. He doesn't understand why other people don't seem to care as much as he does...
My dad gets in and gets things done. He notices what needs doing, and quietly, in his own world and his own way, goes about getting them done.
My dad hates being wrong... and will only go down fighting when he is.
My dad tries his best and takes it to heart when he is found to have fallen short of expectations...he finds it really hard to admit this to others because he hates to admit it to himself.
My dad would be more generous, more sharing of his knowledge and skills, more open and warm if only people would accept him as he is and take what he offers in the spirit it is intended... but he doesn't always know how to get his message across in a way that people will be open to.
I could go on and on but I won't because I have achieved what I wanted, I have reminded myself to look for the person behind the behaviour, to remember the motivation behind the action, to look for the good and to appreciate the wonderful.
Thanks Dad...

thinking big to be little

So I have joined a Gym. I debated with myself for at least a whole day about whether or not this was a good idea... $600 is a big hole in the single parent on unpaid maternity leave budget... I was torn between two views. On one hand I really should go to the gym to lose the 10kg I need to lose to get to my desired post pregnancy size and prevent myself from having to once again buy a whole new wardrobe. Oh and there are the health benefits of course, and if I am not going to develop Type 2 Diabetes for real I really need to keep my weight under control. So the $600 is an investment in my health, and the fact that I can barely afford it should be a good motivator to make the most of it.
On the other hand - its a huge waste of money if I don't get motivated to go regularly - and perhaps I should be realistic about how challenging it will be as a new mum, once my parents return to their home, to actually get to the gym on a regular basis (even though they have child care in the mornings)... This is the view that others impressed upon me - implying that I had wasted my money as I was most unlikely to actually get value from it.
In reflecting on this however... I realised that to not take out the membership was to accept in advance that I am most likely to be slack, so to not give myself the chance to be different. In the end I decided that it was worth it to me to invest $600 in my positive potential, rather than to save the money and allow myself to wallow in excuses of "realism".
And this brings to mind a recent discussion with a friend about the new female CEO of Westpac. This woman managed to work as a bank teller, have a toddler and triplets, and do an MBA... and to continue to rise through the ranks until she is now arguably one of Australia's most successful women. I wonder how many well meaning people said to her "hey - you have triplets and a toddler, give yourself a break...don't try and do an MBA... give up work... don't take that promotion...be realistic about what you can acheive...." And what would have happened if she had listened, had dropped her expectations, had opted for an easier life... would she be happier? she certainly wouldn't be the first female CEO of Westpac.
And I think of myself - how often I limit myself from "doing too much" - not because I want to but because of the well meaning advice of others ringing in my ears. I admit - I am fairly disorganised and can be unmotivated, vague and a time waster... but I also tend to work to the limits I set myself - if I think its too hard, unrealistic, then I don't manage it. If believe in myself and my ability to do more, achieve more, take on more - then I may get stressed at times but at the end of the week I feel proud of what I have acheived. Rather than feeling relaxed, I feel empowered.
So I am adjusting my focus again - towards assuming that I CAN do things until proven otherwise, rather than assuming it will be too hard and cutting myself off at the pass.
So I joined the gym. I am not going to listen to my well meaning friends who tell me to give myself a break, I have just had a baby blah blah... I am going to get there as often as I can.
I am also for uni again this semester, I have started a vegie garden as I had planned, and am considering going back to work one day a week before the end of the 6 months I had taken off. I may get stressed at times, I may get tired at times... but I will moving forward, achieving...

smiles!

they make it all worth it!

tired!

I dream of sleeping...
When awake I find myself randomly fantasising about 8 solid hours of sleep...
And I have a wonderful child who sleeps for 1-4 hours at a time... I pity the people whose babies don't sleep more than half an hour - I think it must induce insanity!
I find that sleep deprivation makes me feel like I am made of egg shell or paper stretched over a frame... I am more fragile... moving through life as though everything is normal. yet easily buffeted by the little things. Moods consume me more. Things seem more serious. Irrational moments of dismay crop up here and there for no reason. I forget where I am going, what I am doing, or what I was looking for...
Recently I needed to go to the bottle shop at Ashgrove Coles to get some wine that was on special for my dad. I got in the car thinking "Ashgrove Coles" . I imagined how to get there, planned my route and how long it would take... I drove off, parked in the shopping centre car park, got out and walked up to the bottle shop... and standing outside I suddenly realised I was at Paddington Woolworths. I went back to the car, got in and drove to Ashgrove Coles....

So yawn away little one... I know the feeling!

thanks mum and dad!

So I am very lucky really... I can tell how very difficult being a single mum must be... so far however, I have had an incredible support team, and indi has been surrounded by loving arms always happy to be there for a cuddle or a burp... Dad is the hiccup whisperer and mum the burp queen...

Love is made not found

So my little girl is growing and changing...she is moving from inanimate doll, sleeping and eating and not responding to the world much.... to animated little girl. She smiles and makes eye contact and gazes at interesting objects. She also voices her wants and needs in no uncertain terms :-)
As she interacts more I find myself getting to know her more... and as this happens I find I am starting to feel the layers of love that felt missing in the early days. I had expected to feel a deep and strong love for her right away - like a "good" mother should. I was secretly concerned that, while I felt love for her on an unthinking level, after the excitement of the first few days I didn't feel the overwhelming, heart-full, singing inside love that I had imagined... I didn't feel "in love" with her....and I had moments of looking at her and feeling nothing at all.
As she changes however I realise that there is the initial instinctive love that is there just because it needs to be, this is more subtle and transient... and then there is the deeper love that comes from actually getting to know her as a little person...and this is the love that is growing over time. This is the love of knowing this little person intimately, of loving the way she expresses her individuality, of loving the way she becomes her individuality.
Phew.... its a relief!
This fits neatly within my belief that true love is made not found. We don't suddenly meet the person we will love deeply and truly. The special loves in our lives are something we create through effort, through willingness to be open to a person and the richness of who they are, through being prepared to open our lives to another and share our deepest intimacies, through making the effort to observe another person, to really understand them and their world, and through taking the time and creating the space in our hearts to love. We don't just bump into this in the street - we make it happen when we are able, willing and open to it. Special love is baked when all or most of the ingredients are in the bowl...not picked up off the shelf pre-packaged. Deep love is not heat and eat, it is not microwavable, and we cannot dial for home delivery :-) This is what I think... and it gives me hope because I don't have to wait for the perfect dish to be served to me... I am the cook. :-)